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- Member Since 21st Jan, 2014
- offline last seen April 22nd
Kind_Of_A_Rarity
Just another fanfic writer. Nothing big, yet...
Kind_Of_A_Rarity
Joined 21st Jan, 2014 ·
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what?
Any critique will be greatly appreciated! Be as harsh as possible, I can take it! :D
I know something is wrong, but I don't know what. Please tell me!
This is an... interesting premise I guess. I'm curious why Discord wants them to think he's genuinely buying into the stealing story. Or is it even the same Discord? He did say "my" world... does "my world is about to become your own" really mean "I'm going to send you to my world" though?
Hi. I'm Blue Blaze. I saw your story through the link you've provided at the group Authors Helping Authors. Here's what I think of your overall story:
--Score--
Content (Does the story match the tags? Were the chapters confusing and hard to follow? Were plot elements explained enough? Are the characters flat?): 3/10
Pacing (Are the chapters too short of a length compared to how far they advance the plot? It the plot advancing too fast? Is there an ebb and flow to your story?): 4/10
Grammar/Formatting (Not explaining this one): 9/10
What I liked: The story concept is a bit more original then the average HiE riff raff. The story has enough explanation to tell the reader what is going on and moves slow enough for the reader to follow properly what events are occurring. The characters are distinguishable when they turn into ponies, which is quite a common problem in HiE fics with more that one human character. The plot had a clear direction and there is quite a good hook in the first chapter. Why did they get pulled into the pony world? Why were they arrested? What are they being accused of? Those are definitely the kinds of questions you want your reader to be asking. They give more of a reason for the reader to keep reading the story. It adds tension, a very importing element in story writing.
What I didn't like: The way you introduced the human characters is unoriginal and has been done all too many times before. You gave no introduction of who they were, you just added people to your story, gave them a gender and a name and rolled with it. You need to give us something to remember them by! Clothing, mannerisms, anything! The only way the reader can keep track of who's who is because you only have four human characters: The main character, the other guy and the other two girls. If your readers cannot recall who is which then you have a very big problem on your hands. Also you named your main character, 'Anon'. This is a personal beef of mine, but if you put the main character as 'Anon', that tells me, the reader, that you either could not settle for a good name for the main character or this is a self insert, and I'm leaning towards the latter option. Whether or not is is a self insert, give the main character a proper name! Names are everything! They are one of the most important things in writing! You either remember someone by name or by their actions, and since the human characters have done nothing notable so far, we need to know their names. Don't name your main character Anon.
With all that said, your pacing is poor. The story goes through a thousand words describing the human world and characters, then goes immediately to the pony world. I know this is FiM fiction and you want to get to the main event as fast as possible, but please, slow down. You sped through the beginning of the story so quickly that your characters come off as bland and you have no concept of who they are except that they're friends in high school who are also Bronies. Give them life, give them character! Who is Kevin? Why is he Anon's friend? Why should I care about Kevin's role in this story? Who is Krystin? Why is she Anon's Friend? Why do I have to care for any of these characters if I cannot connect with them in some level, shape, way or form? You haven't got characters here, you've gotten placeholders for real life people that you have yet to write into this story. Heck, you don't even have to tell us outright who they are, you can reveal them slowly through their actions and decisions. Show us, don't tell us.
Final Thoughts: This could be a story that I would look forward to every chapter too, but you're approaching it incorrectly. The characters are cookie cutter, the plot it not there yet and the pacing's way too fast past cool. I know there's only one chapter posted of this so far, so not too much has happened so far, but you need to think about what you're typing on the screen.
What's Left: Please take a look at my story, Ignis. It's an alternate universe sci-fi sort of fic that has a human running around with ponies as rebels against New Canterlot's irresponsible government. The link will take you to Google Docs, as I haven't published the story yet. I'm trying to get pre-readers for the project, so the chapter might change after you read it the first time. I'm looking for any kind of feedback, if that's possible. Comments are enabled, but I would prefer you PM me your thoughts and opinions on my story, as I don't log into Google that often.
Why do I have to add so many stories to read later so I can read them?
InstantFave !!!
Hi guys. I'm here with some sad news. It is simply too much work for me to be working on two stories at once and, to be honest, I'm more interested in my other story "My Little Life: The Beginning." That said, I won't simply be giving up this story. I still believe it's a great idea with amazing potential and I think some other people might be interested in seeing how this story unfolds.
So there you go. Anybody who thinks they would want to take up this story, message me and I will give you the story. I'll be deleting this story in a week if nobody claims it, so hurry up! It will be first come, first serve, so message me by next Friday (September 26) or lose your chance.
Sorry, guys. I know a lot of you were interested in this, but I'm just too busy to keep this story updated.
You know what? Screw it. I'm going to regret this, but I'm re-working this entire thing. I'll start the first chapter again and re-make it from scratch. I love this story idea too much and I'm not giving up on something I love.