• Member Since 6th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Goldymarg


Hikari ni nare!

E

“Yeah...doc, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Is this happening because of some repressed feelings or whatever? I didn't really think that whole thing with dresses and being photographed was really important.”

For at least half a year to this day, Rainbow Dash had been experiencing blackouts in her memory. At first they only lasted thirty minutes to an hour, but now they were capable of lasting for days on end. And whenever she came back to her senses, she could never recall where she was, or what she was doing. Only the tiredness in her legs and her strained voice were a reminder that someone or something had been controlling her. And to think, it all started with such an idle thought. A pure, innocent thought that endlessly built up inside the recesses of her mind, until it took a life of it's own.

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Written and submitted for EqD's Writer's Training Grounds #015 with the prompt, "Thanks to her uncanny eye for detail on the wing, Rainbow Dash glimpses something she should never have seen."

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 13 )

.....what the fuck? :rainbowderp: that was...surprising :coolphoto:

4216326
Ah, this kind of reaction makes me smile :twilightsmile:

Oh my gosh........whelp didn't see that one coming (awesome story tho)

4217576
And thank you for reading ~

4217606 you're welcome tho I think it should be I who should be thanking you :pinkiehappy:

That was REALLY unexpected :coolphoto:

You said in the EQD WTG post that you were reviewing all the stories in that post. So, as an author who regularly posts in there, I'm taking you by your word and returning a favor and review your story.

This story... Well, there's nothing much to be said. Nothing groundbreaking or absolutely horrid. Sure, the twist was nice, but it didn't have the impact it deserved. Why? Well, Rainbow was a bit right, the therapist was a bit pointless. It just outright told the audience, "Hey you have X problem." The twist to the problem, again, is a nice thought, but knowing the name of the problem diminished the impact. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just a case of show don't tell. Although you told the reader, it was told through a natural setting, so it's not too bad. But through showing, like maybe Rarity seeing Photo Finish flying through the sky as fast as Rainbow Dash, that would give the idea more oomph.

Otherwise, not much else. Grammar isn't a problem, you don't have an absolutely horrid writing style, the only nit-picky thing I would say is to indent your paragraphs.

Yeah, if you take anything from this, indent your paragraphs. It makes a visual difference. There's a button in Fimfiction you can press after highlighting everything that does it for you, or you can manually indent each paragraph with Tab. Either way, take some time to do it.

4229697
I'll admit the idea wasn't as fleshed out as I wanted, but that's what happens when I spend a mere 6 hours total writing something :ajsleepy:
I feel as though I'm at my best when I don't have the weight of a deadline to worry about. That said, (and I'm aware that it requires major overhauling as of right now) my pride and joy is Ancient Legacy.

Also, I plan on keeping my word and going through every single WTG entry this week. Not closing the tab on chrome till' I've left my mark, even if said mark is from some regular guy who's bad at writing comprehension :fluttershyouch:

Er mah gerd.

Mind. Blown.

At first I thought it was gonna about Rainbow Dash...and how she always dresses in style...

I think you've got something here. You should continue on w/ this. See how far you can take it.

This really needs some kind of sequel

6385509
I'm sorry to say, but it's doubtful. Since this was sort of just an idle thought of mine, I haven't wanted to expand on it any further. I have too many other ideas I want to get out on paper, given the amount of stories I've written thus far :applejackunsure:

6385796 Well in that case hopefully someone expands on this version of the "Rainbow Dash is Photo Finish" mini meme.
At the very least, I'd like to see a prequel about the first time it happened.

Well, that escalated quickly. :coolphoto: Very good! Have a Flutteryay!:yay:

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