• Published 17th Apr 2014
  • 751 Views, 15 Comments

CMIE: ChaosMaker In Equestria - DarkMatterGod90



Harmony, Chaos and an Immature, arrogant, Multi-verse crossing, boastful yet has the powers to prove them, ChaosMaker. Enough said! Enjoy

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Oh look! Little Lulu's back! And she's all grown up!

Author's Note:

I'm gonna start off by saying: Please don't hold secrets and criticisms from me. Not knowing I have a flaw in my story is beyond unacceptable! Grammar errors, Boring plot stories, Cliche characters, etc. Point it out and I'll try to see it fixed. Although, keep in mind, that pointing out that Marcus is OP is completely what i wanted him to be.
Yeah! Got a problem with me?! I'll skin you alive if I so much as see something insulting to me!
Calm down, Marcus... Anyway, No offense and pressure! Start reading!

Location: Canterlot
Time: 1 day before Summer Sun Celebration

It was a beautiful day in Canterlot. Not a frown in sight as far as the eye can see. A certain Lavender unicorn mare came to view The mare trotted with a saddlebag carrying a rather thick and large book. Her name was Twilight Sparkle. And she is also a bookworm/Nerd/Egghead(whichever you prefer). But back to the matter at hoof. Twilight was then approached by three mares. On the left was Lemon Hearts, On the middle was Twinkleshine and on the right was Minnuette.

The mares grinned at her. "There you are, Twilight! Moondancer is having a little get-together in the west castle courtyard. You wanna come?" Twinkleshine asked. The mares smiled at twilight excitedly but was replaced with a frown when twilight replied. "Oh, sorry, girls..." She smiled sheepishly. "I've got a lot of studying to catch up on." With a final sheepish smile, Twilight then proceeded to run off.

Twinkleshine sighed, obviously disappointed form the mare's answer. "Does that pony do anything except study? I think she's more interested in books than friends."

"I know I've heard of the elements of harmony." Twilight muttered to herself, running past two mares, whom one waved. She then entered the royal library. Oblivious to the presence of a purple scaled baby dragon.

Twilight then pushed the doors open, thereby pushing the young dragon out of the way. "Spike! Spike! Spike?" Twilight called for her assistant. Spike, the purple dragon who got pushed from the door earlier, could only groan as his head swirled.

"There you are! Quick find me that old copy of Predictions and Prophecies." Twilight saw her assistant with a crushed present practically stabbed to his tail. "What's that for?". Spike looked behind him and frowned seeing his present crushed. "Well, it was a gift for Moondancer, but..." Some stuff fell from former the gift. Twilight lightly glared at her. "Oh Spike, you know we don't have time for that sort of thing." She said while scavenging from the pile of books. "But we're on a break!" Spike whined.

Twilight's horn then glowed and a book came from the shelf. Followed by another book. "No, no, no... no, no, no!" Twilight grunted. "Spike!" She shouted. "It's over here!" Spike shouted, waving the book twilight was looking for. Magic then covered the book and spike was forcibly got dragged along with it. Then his face met the ground. Twilight squealed in delight. Spike stood up and sighed, then picked up the mess. "Elements, Elements, E, E, E..." Twilight then found her information. "Aha! Elements of Harmony, see: Mare in the Moon?" She muttered. "Mare in the moon? But that's just an old pony's tale." Spike stated.

Twilight skimmed through the book. "Mare, mare... aha! The Mare in the Moon, myth from olden pony times. A powerful pony who wanted to rule Equestria, defeated by the Elements of Harmony and imprisoned in the moon. Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal!" Twilight gasped. "Spike! Do you know what this means?" She asked spike, who was busy not trying to fall of the ladder. "No." Spike said before falling off. Luckily, He fell on Twilight's back. Twilight then gave spike a scroll. "Take a note please.". Spike hopped off of twilight. "Okie-dokie." He answered then readied to write.

"My dearest teacher...." What followed after was some mishap blah, blah, blah. You already know that.

SKIP!

for a few seconds...

Spike inhaled and let out a burst of green flames, which then burnt the letter and magically send it to It's destination. "There, It's on it's way." Spike then took a light semi smug and mock smile. "But i wouldn't hold your breath~" He said. Twilight ignored his statement. "Oh, I'm not worried, Spike. The Princess trusts me completely. In all the years she's been my mentor she's never once doubted me." She stated, albeit smug and confident. Spike gave her a 'you don't say' face before burping up a scroll. "See? I knew she would want to take immediate action." Spike took the scroll from the ground, cleared his throat and start to read the scroll out loud.

"My dearest, most faithful student Twilight. You know that I value your diligence and that I trust you completely..." Twilight made an "mhm" sound. "...but you simply must stop reading those dusty old books!" Twilight gasped. How ironic this can be.

Near ponyville...
Aboard the chariot...

"My dear Twilight, there is more to a young pony's life than studying, so I'm sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration in this year's location: Ponyville. And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete: make some friends!" Spike repeated. Twilight sighed. "Look on the bright side, Twilight. The Princess arranged for you to stay in a library. Doesn't that make you happy?" Spike said, hoping to lighten up the mare. Twilight lightly beamed.

"Yes, yes it does. You know why? Because I'm right! I'll check on the preparations as fast as I can, then get to the library to find some proof of Nightmare Moon's return." Twilight answered. Unbeknownst to the duo, A far away figure watched from the Ever Free forest...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ever Free forest
Before twilight's departure

Somewhere in the forest, A certain chaos maker sleeps soundly. Marcus cast a noise changer spell before he slept. Thereby changing his human snores to the snore of an Ursa Minor. And just in case, he put deadly traps that would certainly doom any would be trespassers. Now--

(BEEP) (BEEP) (BEE--)
SMASH

Marcus groaned as he got out of his bed, which was king sized by the way. He snapped his fingers and the spell, traps, remains of the alarm clock and the King sized bed vanished. How he hated waking up so early. But... He had plans. And his plans always hold merit. Marcus yawned and grabbed his Notebook then flew out of the cave(albeit in a rush). One reason was that the cave smelled like Manticore blood, which the walls were covered in it by the way. He can tolerate a lot of things, but waking up early in the morning while smelling dried blood was clearly not one of them. "Way to make a morning start Marcus... dried blood as morning aroma! What next? Internal organs for breakfast?! Oh how yummy!" Marcus shouted sarcastically to himself. He has a very twisted sense of humor.

Marcus inhaled the sweet aroma of actual air, instead of blood. Marcus then opened his notebook. "Manticores. TimberWolves. Cockatrice. Parasprites. Hydra..." That seemed to be all, There are not really a lot of creatures who are willing to show themselves. Marcus had to admit, The forest was actually quite unnatural. There's magic. But the forest used magic differently. All moved like normal, for human standards, but the magic of this place was... wild. A bit chaotic even. Anyway, today's the day. Where he'll finally make his appearance. And the start of it is twilight sparkle.
Speaking of who, She's near. Marcus flew to the treetops and watched from afar. 'There she is...' Twilight currently looked down in the dumps, while spike tries to lighten the mood. Marcus snickered. He jumped down from the treetops and mentally reminded himself of his plan.

'Step one: Acquire a disguise.' Marcus snapped his fingers and he was instantly surrounded by a bright light. His body shrunk to the size of an average pony. The light disappeared and what took the human's place was a unicorn colt with blonde mane, which matched his human hair style, a tail with the same colour as his mane a light yellow coat and blue eyes. His cutie mark was a black and white pony mask. The white half was smiling and the black half was frowning. This was Marcus's pony form. He named himself: Jest Smile. "Step one complete."

'Step two: Meet twilight sparkle...' With that, He walked to ponyville while humming a tune.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ponyville

"Thank you, sirs." Twilight said to the two guards who just nodded(I have no idea what they said/did that time).

"Maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about." Spike said, just at the moment, a pink pony appeared. "Come on, Twilight, just try!" Spike said gesturing to the pink pony. Twilight hesitated for a bit before saying: "Um... hello?". The pony made a prolonged gasp and ran through speeds that would've been considered impossible. Twilight and spike stood there, mouth agape. Twilight doesn't know if she should facehoof or just stare. "Well, that was interesting all right." She said. Spike could only sigh... This was going to be a long day.

Again, time skip. Just after twilight met the rest and has now met with fluttershy, During their walk to the library.

"...and that's the story of my whole entire life! Well, up until today. Do you wanna hear about today?" Spike asked excitedly to his new friend. Fluttershy was very happy and eager to learn about he new dragon friend. After all, not everyday you get to see a dragon this close and not get burnt to death. Well, not like spike could even do it, even if he wanted to. "Oh, yes, pl-" Fluttershy was interrupted by the sound of Twilight making an "Oof!" sound, as if she bumped into somepony. And bumped she had. Apparently, twilight was too busy tuning out the two that she bumped into another pony. Said pony was a Unicorn stallion with Blonde mane, which was long and spiky, same coloured tail, blue eyes, light yellow coat and has a black and white pony mask, with the white half smiling and the black half frowning, for a cutie mark and with a height that matches Twilight's.

"Oh! We're really sorry, sir! We were uhmmm... just heading to the library!" Twilight quickly apologised, hoping the stallion will understand and quickly leave them be. The stallion simply grinned widely, albeit creepily, and waved a hoof at them. "No worries, my friend! No harm done, I'm not harmed and you're not harmed! That's all that matters! By the way, I haven't seen you around town. Are you new? If you are, so am i!" The stallion said, who was still grinning creepily. Twilight couldn't help but lightly shiver, although no pony seemed to notice it, at the stallion. His smile and how he looked at them was starting to creep her out.

"My name's Jest Smile. What's your's?" Asked Jest smile and extended his hoof for a hoof-shake. Twilight stared at the seemingly crazy stallion in front her, before pushing him out of the way. Twilight hurriedly trotted to the library, which was near, followed by fluttershy and spike. Jest pouted and ran to catch up with them. "Hey! It's rude to just walk away from a friendly pony, who just gave you his/her name without saying yours!" Shouted the stallion, looking mildly offended. Twilight mentally groaned at the stallion that kept following her like moth to flame. "Look, I'm sure you mean well but I really need to get to the library. I have some official business to be done." Twilight said. The stallion raised an eyebrow, before grinning again(Twilight swear that stallion is mad). "What a coincidence! I was heading to the library myself." Jest said. 'I don't know if that really was a coincidence or this pony stalks for a living.' Twilight thought before entering the library and shutting the door on the face of the stallion

Jest smile just looked confused, then turn his head to fluttershy, who was lightly quivering. "So... What's your name?" Jest asked the quivering pony.

Inside the library...

"Huh. Rude much?" Spike glared at twilight. "Sorry, Spike, but I have to convince the Princess that Nightmare Moon is coming, and we're running out of time! I just need to be alone so I can study without a bunch of crazy ponies trying to make friends all the time. Now, where's the light?" Twilight looked around for the light switch. Only to be almost scared to death by the lights turning and every single pony shouting: "Surprise!". Twilight groaned.

"Surprise!" Pinkie shouted. "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised? Were ya? Were ya? Huh huh huh?" Pinkie asked with bubbling enthusiasm. Twilight could only reply with "Very surprised. Libraries are supposed to be quiet.
"Well, that's silly! What kind of welcome party would this be if it were quiet? I mean, duh, bo~ring! Y'see, I saw you when you first got here, remember? You were all "hello" and I was all-" Pinkie made a gasp sound. "Remember? Y'see I've never saw you before and if I've never saw you before that means you're new, 'cause I know everypony, and I mean everypony in Ponyville!" Pinkie pie continued her rambling while Twilight could only groan. Again. Twilight looked around the corner and saw the ponies, which should have been impossible to fit since this looked like the entire town. She then spotted a familiar unicorn stallion waving at her. She promptly ignored him and went to a table to get a drink.

Pinkie showed no sign of stopping. "And if you're new, that meant you haven't met anypony yet, and if you haven't met anypony yet, you must not have any friends, and if you don't have any friends then you must be lonely, and that made me so sad, then I had an idea, and that's why I went-" Pinkie gasped again. " I must throw a great big ginormous super-duper spectacular welcome party and invite everyone in Ponyville! See? And now you have lots and lots of friends!" Pinkie rambled. Unknown to twilight and to the rest, Twilight accidentally drank hot sauce. And now, Her face was as red as an apple from Sweet apple acres. "Are you all right, sugarcube?" Applejack asked.

Twilight couldn't take it anymore and ran to her room, hoping to calm down the raging fire in her mouth. "Aww, she's so happy she's crying!" Pinkie said, oblivious to anything. ""Hot sauce". Ooh..." Spike muttered, lightly chuckling at the mare's misfortune. Pinkie poured hot sauce on a cupcake and ate it whole. "What? It's good!" Pinkie said with mouth full.
Unknown to the group, Jest approached them with a kind, yet somewhat creepy, smile. "Hi." Jest greeted. The group stared at the stallion until rainbow asked "Who are you?", while looking at jest suspiciously. Jest merely laughed and said "I'm a new pony like her. We'll meet in the future." Jest disappeared in the crowd as the group merely stared at him, while pinkie was saying something about parties and stuff.

As for the lavender mare, She was busy trying to tune out the noisy party outside by covering her head with a pillow. The door opened, revealing spike, with some sort of whatever-contraption on his head, at the door. "Hey Twilight! Pinkie Pie's starting "pin the tail on the pony"! Wanna play?" Spike asked, in hopes of finally getting the stubborn mare some fun in her life. Twilight stubbornly replied with "No! All the ponies in this town are crazy! Do you know what time it is?!".
"It's the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration. Everypony has to stay up, or they'll miss the Princess raise the sun! You really should lighten up, Twilight. It's a party!" Spike said, then left the room, giving up on the whole "Get twilight to have fun in a party". Twilight then mockingly imitated spike's words. "Ugh, here I thought I'd have time to learn about the Elements of Harmony but, silly me, all this ridiculous friend-making has kept me from it!" Twilight said, very frustrated. She got up from her bed and looked at the moon. "Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about everlasting night. I hope the Princess was right... I hope it really is just an old ponytale..." Twilight muttered. The door suddenly swung open. Twilight turned her head, only to see spike again. "C'mon, Twilight, it's time to watch the sunrise!". This could only end well....

Marcus/Jest smile pov
How interesting... I have found twilight sparkle. Phase two complete. Now, for phase three! Meet little luna, see how much she's grown and laugh at her. Yes.... I'm gonna be late for it! See you readers later!


At the Town hall...
Summer sun celebration eve...

All the ponies gathered for the glorious show of their beloved princess. Pinkie started her rambling again. " Isn't this exciting? Are you excited, 'cause I'm excited, I've never been so excited-- well, except for the time that I saw you walking into town and I went-" Pinkie gasp. "-but I mean really, who can top that?" She finally stopped with the constant rambling. Birds then sang in the lead of Fluttershy and the spotlight shown on an old mare with glasses and grey mane and tail. "Fillies and gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!" Declared Mayor mare. The ponies cheered like crazy, which some of them are. " In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria.." While mayor mare was doing her speech, No pony noticed, except Twilight, the mare symbol on the moon disappear. "Ready?" Fluttershy asked the birds.

"...Princess Celestia!"
Trumpets roared as rarity yanked the ropes to unravel the curtains, where their beloved Princess will grant them the majestic sight of raising the sun.... Only to be greeted with an empty space where their princess should be standing. Rarity stared at the space, wondering where the princess is. As is the thought of every pony in the hall, who were chattering among them nervously. "This can't be good." Twilight muttered worriedly. "Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!" Mayor mare said, in hopes to calm every pony. To tell truth, she wasn't calm and sure herself. "Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games! Is she hiding?" Pinkie suggested. Oh pinkie, If only you're not so... you. "She's gone!" Rarity stated as a matter of fact. Ponies gasped. "Ooh, she's good." Pinkie said, Then yelped at the sight before her. Ponies gasped again. "Oh no..." Twilight muttered. Starry mist swirled around the stage and from said mist formed... "Nightmare moon..." Spike fainted as he fell off Twilight's back.

Nightmare Moon grinned. "Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces." She said, still wearing that little smile. "What did you do with our Princess?!" Rainbow dash shouted, shooting forward the intruding mare to attack her. Only to be grabbed by applejack on the tail using her mouth. "Whoa nelly..." She muffled. Nightmare Moon chuckled at this. "Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?" She asked smugly. Pinkie, being the ignorant, naive, rambling pony she is, couldn't help but say "Ooh, ooh, more guessing games! Um, Hokey Smokes! How about... Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty--" She was then cut off by applejack shoving an apple cupcake at her mouth, while smiling sheepishly, while still not letting go of rainbow's tail. "Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?" Nightmare moon stated, while scaring every pony at it. Twilight spoke up. "I did. And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!" Ponies gasped. Again... Nightmare moon seemed amused at this. "Well well well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm here." Twilight could only shudder. "You're here to... to...". Nightmare moon chuckled in amusement. "Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last for--" Whatever she was going to say was cut off by something unexpected in this situation.

A low chuckle was heard throughout the hall. Ponies, even nightmare moon, scanned the surroundings for the source of the voice. All eyes fell upon the source of the chuckle. Namely, Jest Smile. Jest was trying not to laugh but it escaped in chuckles until... He lifted his hoof away from his mouth and the chuckles evolved into full blown laughter. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The night will what? Last forever?! Hahahahaha!!! Hilarious! As if that worked before!" Jest laughed hysterically, while ponies gave him the "Are you crazy" look. Nightmare moon, on the other hoof, looked like she was going to kill a pony, to which she might. Once the laughter got to her nerves, She levitated the offending stallion, held him right in front of her face. glared at him and choked him Ponies could only gawk at the stallion as Jest still grinned madly at Nightmare moon. Twilight, of all ponies, could only stare Mouth agape. 'IS THIS PONY CRAZY?!' was the thought all the ponies shared. "Foolish pony! Do you not know who you are laughing at?!" Nighmare moon shouted, tightening her magic grip on the stallion's throat. Jest, who is sill grinning, sputtered to say something but failed due to almost having his lungs crushed. Jest could only stutter "You're... *wheez*...days are *wheez* numbered... Little Luna...". At this, Nightmare moon was enraged and threw him to a wall. The force was strong enough to make a big hole in it.

"Before i was rudely interrupted, Yes, the night shall last forever!" Nightmare moon cackled and disappeared in a mist. Meanwhile, ponies looked at the giant hole in the hall and couldn't help but wonder if that mad pony was for real. But the pony disappeared and the only evidence he was there, was the hole and a puddle of blood. Which a few pony vomited and some passed out. Some both.

What does this mean for ponyville? Will twilight stop Nightmare moon? One thing for sure, This is merely the begining...

To be continued....

Comments ( 1 )

We all have seen the "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" storyline.

You don't "see" a storyline. You see a TV show, you see a movie. You know a storyline. This is wrong for the same reason saying "you've seen a book" is wrong when referring to understanding the contents of said book.

How Twilight Sparkle defeated Nightmare Moon and formed five friends.

Formed five friends? Do you mean she formed five friendships, or she actually willed five friends into existence?

We also have seen all types of humans in equestria stories and Crossovers that changed the storyline.

Glossing over the bewildering fact that the word "crossover" is capitalized but "Equestria" isn't, this entire sentence is just worded horribly. Do you read the stuff you type out loud once you're done? It really doesn't seem like it. Also, drawing attention to fanfictions (or now that I think about it, the fact that the show is a show) inside of your summary and not your authors note is just... dumb. Trying to pretentiously be "self aware" only makes me look at you with disappointment while your words snap what little immersion I had in half.

But this particular HIE will involve a powerful being bored out of his mind and in search of something "fun" to do.

Several things wrong with this sentence. First thing; "HIE". Good god, even if we ignore that whole "immersion" speech I made from earlier about this kind of thing, abbreviating shit like this in such a manner the narrative is just unprofessional and distracts the reader. You also started the sentence with "but". You know what's a good word? "However". "However" is a good word. You know why? You can start a sentence with it and not have your English teacher give you an F. On another note, why the hell is the word "fun" in quotes? Are you implying that your thinly disguised self-insert power fantasy character is not going to have fun?

What will happen if a ChaosMaker, bent on spreading chaos, misery and all that fall in the chaos category, end up in equestria?

This sentence makes me nauseous. Good god the number of things wrong with this measly little sentence. This is going to be a long paragraph...
Fuck, where do I start? The basics, I guess.
"What will happen if"
"What will happen if" does not make sense. "Will" means it's going to happen. "If" means it may or may not happen. You can't combine these. Either "what will happen when" or "what would happen if" are sufficient here. Pick one.
"a ChaosMaker"
The name of a species shouldn't be capitalized at all, let alone capitalized like you're naming a mediocre business. How many times have you seen people capitalize the word "human" or "dog"? If the answer is anything but "never", then I have lost faith in humanity.
Not to mention how fucking dumb the name "ChaosMaker" is no matter how you capitalize it.
"bent on"
...Really? "Bent on"? Not "a being bent on" or "a human bent on" or even "a creature bent on"? Just "bent on"? The fact that this needs to be pointed out to you is seriously disappointing.
"spreading chaos, misery and all that fall in the chaos category"
You should be an agent for the Redundant Department of Redundant Redundancy. As I recall, chaos already covers everything in the "chaos category". That's why it's called "chaos". That's like saying "I'm going to breathe and everything in the breathing category to get oxygen in my bloodstream".
"end up in equestria?"
...Why do you insist on capitalizing random words, but never the name of a fucking country? Why? Are you doing this deliberately to piss me off or something? Also it's "ends up" for Christ's sake.
Look at that wall of text. For one sentence. We still have the rest of the whole fucking summary to go.

Only this time, He himself came to equestria.

...Once again, capitalizing a random word and leaving a proper noun unattended. Why the hell is "he" bold anyway? What purpose could that possibly serve?

Not some mysterious force, Not some bright light or a dream, Not some prop in a Comic-con(By the way, LOHAV group, no offence intended) and not by whoever.

You capitalize the words after every comma like you're beginning another sentence. You also add a "no offense" note pointlessly for offhandedly mentioning a disgusting fad that happens to plague this site as of late. I sincerely doubt they care if you offhandedly mention them. They aren't Jesus, don't worry. You can say their name in vain without worry of going to hell.

Just himself in search of fun.

...Wouldn't that make him the "mysterious force" and "whoever"?

Will twilight and her friends tolerate the human whose ego is almost as big as Rainbow dash?

Feel proud; I actually skipped two sentences. Well, one sentence and a "maybe", but still. You then break that trend by once again failing to properly capitalize proper nouns. At least you didn't pick a word at random and capitalize it this time. "Twilight" and "Rainbow Dash" were the errors, in case you're too thick to get it. You actually used "whose" correctly, then immediately ruin it by failing to put an apostrophe and an S after Rainbow Dash's name.

Rainbow dash, of course.

...Not even going to say anything. It should be obvious by this point.

All of it will be in this story!

Oy vey, you write summaries like I did when I was in elementary school. This isn't a summary. This is a fucking advertisement. Learn. The. Difference.

Oh, I'm going to have fun in my own story!
Hey! Get out of my computer!

...That might be the most sloppy, cringe-worthy example of a fourth wall joke I have ever seen in my entire life.


Now I would like you, dear author, to look up at that wall of text I have produced. You see all of that? All of it? That's from your summary alone. That is 968 words worth of shit that is wrong with your summary. I can't even begin to imagine the shitstorm waiting for me inside of the actual story itself.

You're probably going to hate me for this comment, but it's tough love kiddo.

Here's my advice; pass English class before writing a story.

If English isn't your first language, go to Fanfiction and type it out in your native tongue. There would still be a crapton of stuff wrong with it plot-wise that I didn't even bother getting into for fear of this massive wall of text getting even longer, but at least the language it is written in wouldn't be as broken.

If English is indeed your first language, I urge you to finish school and pay closer attention to your classes. Seriously.

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