We all have seen the "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" storyline. How Twilight Sparkle defeated Nightmare Moon and formed five friends. We also have seen all types of humans in equestria stories and Crossovers that changed the storyline. But this particular HIE will involve a powerful being bored out of his mind and in search of something "fun" to do. What will happen if a ChaosMaker, bent on spreading chaos, misery and all that fall in the chaos category, end up in equestria? Only this time, He himself came to equestria. Not some mysterious force, Not some bright light or a dream, Not some prop in a Comic-con(By the way, LOHAV group, no offence intended) and not by whoever. Just himself in search of fun. Will he learn the magic of friendship? Maybe. Will twilight and her friends tolerate the human whose ego is almost as big as Rainbow dash? Probably not. Especially Rainbow dash, of course. All of it will be in this story!
Oh, I'm going to have fun in my own story!
Hey! Get out of my computer!
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Do please comment on what you think about this. Rated teen just to be safe. More tags will be added and/or deleted if necessary. No romance, though.
Question: where does Discord factor into all this?
4246405 What do you mean?
4246518 The chaos maker in this is clearly not Discord, and I believe the quota for God like beings with chaotic power in Equestria has already been filled. Wither he's a statue (that's freed by surrounding chaos) or free, you can't just IGNORE him. He's an integral part of the show's universe.
So I ask again. Where does Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony, fit into this story's future?
4249586 ... True, but, Meh. He'll appear on later chapters. I'm intending on following the main storyline. So... Yeah, he'll come. Though, not as majorly as you might think. After all, ask yourself this, what is a spirit/ self-proclaimed god/Joker to the Chaos Maker who makes Celestia and Luna, combined even, look like a pair of Street Magician with a bunch of cheap parlor tricks and insane enough to literally blow apart a planet?
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4250741 Yes..... What's a good point? The question in my last comment?
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4251191 Ah... Also, what do you think about this? The story, i mean.
It's interesting
4251308 I suppose that is a start...
I'm not convinced. There aren't any major problems, but it's just not my type of story.
I'm curious about your use of "man" and "teen". There are many ways that I can think of to rationalize it, but I get the feeling that this is set up to be a major theme.
As far as your character goes, well, he's completely nuts!
Almost like Deadpool without guns, or a contract for that matter. Sometimes, a strong guiding voice like the one here can work really well, but there's not enough here for me to really comment much on its effectiveness. Something I'd be worried about is getting carried away with the crazy aspect of your Chaos Maker. Even though some inconsistency can be expected, you're trying to walk a fine line between fun experimental writing and a rambling commentary. I think this will turn out to be an entertaining read, but just keep in mind what it is you plan to accomplish and what overarching story you're trying to tell.
4256419 Okay. Thanks for that. I was worried No one would notify me of somethings. But... well, This is only my second story. If you read my last one, It was kind of suffering from some errors. Also, I didn't actually bother seeing his age. Just thought about him going around whatever part of the Multi-verse doing chaos and seeking adventures. He's not really a completely thought out character. As for his personality, He is supposed to be like that. Think of discord, only more insane and more twisted sense of humor, who goes around seeking adventures and/or causing chaos everywhere. And occasionally, if He's that bored or He's having one of his rare "fits", He'll blow up a planet. Final thing, think of Pinkie Pie's mood swings.
4257574 Equestria is DOOMED!
4258094 Doomed? Nah. Annoyed? frightened and intimidated? Yep. but not doomed. That seems a bit too extreme. Besides, I already have one story that has equestria doomed anyway.
You don't "see" a storyline. You see a TV show, you see a movie. You know a storyline. This is wrong for the same reason saying "you've seen a book" is wrong when referring to understanding the contents of said book.
Formed five friends? Do you mean she formed five friendships, or she actually willed five friends into existence?
Glossing over the bewildering fact that the word "crossover" is capitalized but "Equestria" isn't, this entire sentence is just worded horribly. Do you read the stuff you type out loud once you're done? It really doesn't seem like it. Also, drawing attention to fanfictions (or now that I think about it, the fact that the show is a show) inside of your summary and not your authors note is just... dumb. Trying to pretentiously be "self aware" only makes me look at you with disappointment while your words snap what little immersion I had in half.
Several things wrong with this sentence. First thing; "HIE". Good god, even if we ignore that whole "immersion" speech I made from earlier about this kind of thing, abbreviating shit like this in such a manner the narrative is just unprofessional and distracts the reader. You also started the sentence with "but". You know what's a good word? "However". "However" is a good word. You know why? You can start a sentence with it and not have your English teacher give you an F. On another note, why the hell is the word "fun" in quotes? Are you implying that your thinly disguised self-insert power fantasy character is not going to have fun?
This sentence makes me nauseous. Good god the number of things wrong with this measly little sentence. This is going to be a long paragraph...
Fuck, where do I start? The basics, I guess.
"What will happen if"
"What will happen if" does not make sense. "Will" means it's going to happen. "If" means it may or may not happen. You can't combine these. Either "what will happen when" or "what would happen if" are sufficient here. Pick one.
"a ChaosMaker"
The name of a species shouldn't be capitalized at all, let alone capitalized like you're naming a mediocre business. How many times have you seen people capitalize the word "human" or "dog"? If the answer is anything but "never", then I have lost faith in humanity.
Not to mention how fucking dumb the name "ChaosMaker" is no matter how you capitalize it.
"bent on"
...Really? "Bent on"? Not "a being bent on" or "a human bent on" or even "a creature bent on"? Just "bent on"? The fact that this needs to be pointed out to you is seriously disappointing.
"spreading chaos, misery and all that fall in the chaos category"
You should be an agent for the Redundant Department of Redundant Redundancy. As I recall, chaos already covers everything in the "chaos category". That's why it's called "chaos". That's like saying "I'm going to breathe and everything in the breathing category to get oxygen in my bloodstream".
"end up in equestria?"
...Why do you insist on capitalizing random words, but never the name of a fucking country? Why? Are you doing this deliberately to piss me off or something? Also it's "ends up" for Christ's sake.
Look at that wall of text. For one sentence. We still have the rest of the whole fucking summary to go.
...Once again, capitalizing a random word and leaving a proper noun unattended. Why the hell is "he" bold anyway? What purpose could that possibly serve?
You capitalize the words after every comma like you're beginning another sentence. You also add a "no offense" note pointlessly for offhandedly mentioning a disgusting fad that happens to plague this site as of late. I sincerely doubt they care if you offhandedly mention them. They aren't Jesus, don't worry. You can say their name in vain without worry of going to hell.
...Wouldn't that make him the "mysterious force" and "whoever"?
Feel proud; I actually skipped two sentences. Well, one sentence and a "maybe", but still. You then break that trend by once again failing to properly capitalize proper nouns. At least you didn't pick a word at random and capitalize it this time. "Twilight" and "Rainbow Dash" were the errors, in case you're too thick to get it. You actually used "whose" correctly, then immediately ruin it by failing to put an apostrophe and an S after Rainbow Dash's name.
...Not even going to say anything. It should be obvious by this point.
Oy vey, you write summaries like I did when I was in elementary school. This isn't a summary. This is a fucking advertisement. Learn. The. Difference.
...That might be the most sloppy, cringe-worthy example of a fourth wall joke I have ever seen in my entire life.
Now I would like you, dear author, to look up at that wall of text I have produced. You see all of that? All of it? That's from your summary alone. That is 968 words worth of shit that is wrong with your summary. I can't even begin to imagine the shitstorm waiting for me inside of the actual story itself.
You're probably going to hate me for this comment, but it's tough love kiddo.
Here's my advice; pass English class before writing a story.
If English isn't your first language, go to Fanfiction and type it out in your native tongue. There would still be a crapton of stuff wrong with it plot-wise that I didn't even bother getting into for fear of this massive wall of text getting even longer, but at least the language it is written in wouldn't be as broken.
If English is indeed your first language, I urge you to finish school and pay closer attention to your classes. Seriously.