I'm just a guy who wants to write something worth reading.
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Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash have been dating for a little over two years, join them on this day of love
My first attempt at writing a description, I don't think I'm that good at it.
Proof reader: Bassline and Melody
this is my entry to Surry's Eggcellent Egghead Competition
EDIT: I lost.
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4312338
Bassline: BWAHAHAHAAA!
Melody: Shut up! It's not that funny.
Bassline: Are you kidding me?! It's HILARIOUS!
Melody: You are so immature...
4312502 oops. speaking of immature, have you read my goals, one of them is get 69 followers and make an immature joke.
4312514 Yeah. One of the first things I do when I make a friend on this site is read their page. Speaking of which, have you read mine? I recently updated it.
4312529 cool. now back to writing1<no time to press shift!
4312535 You pressed shift twice in that comment just so you could say you couldn't.
4312539 that's what trollestia was for.
4322543 7 times... 7 times i used there instead of their, will i ever lean?
thanks again for doing this.
4322767
7 times... 7 times I used 'there' instead of 'their'. Will I ever learn?
Thanks again for doing this.
Sorry. You're welcome. I really enjoyed helping out.
Wow, so I guess you guys did your editing in the comments...honestly I'd recommend deleting the comments that have the edits, simply because they just get in the way now that it's been edited.
Anyway, as for the fic... I'm seeing quite a few of these lately, and I've had the same reaction to all of them.
Sure, they're cute and fluffy, but they're just boring and, more often than not, predictable. I mean it was a nice read and I certainly enjoyed it, but without any kind of unknown variable to contend with, without some kind of conflict, it loses so much as a story to me. I mean at least with the fluff fics where they first get together there's the conflict of the one of them trying to ask the other out, but with these little things it's just.... there's nothing there ti really engage the reader, in my opinion. In this I'd say you could add one of them being nervous about getting married for whatever reason. Like their parents or something. Hell, even somepony else confessing their love to... I think I need to go write another one shot now.. err, off topic. Anything to add a bit of conflict, to add something that the reader isn't sure about. Add something that the characters aren't sure about, and the engagement goes up by a considerable margin. Right now, all it is is a predictable story that, while cute, is ultimately pointless.
Oh, and Dash literally can't win the bet, since she wasn't allowed to propose until at least the next day. So neither of them won that. The bet hadn't officially started.
Still, for your first fic, the writing was pretty good and the characters were well done.
4322978 no they weren't aloud to buy the jewelry until the next day, and thanks for the input.
Wow, this
wasis better than my first fic. I haven't even finished mine yet and you're already doing better.4323143 wow, thanks i still haven't gotten around to reading yours, it's been on read later list forever.
I left feedback on everyone else's entry, but all I can really say on this one is keep writing.
4324939 I've already started another fic, so I am.
4324943
Good luck! :D
4324948 thanks.
Good story, tracking and good luck.
Although is funny to read, I thing you missed a w
also
4325018 thanks for pointing those out.
4324943
One fic posted, another one started, and a new piece of artwork for an avatar. I think someone's catching a fever...
4325114 What, ponies are awesome. is there any thing disproving this fact?
So is the sigh Content or discontent? If it's discontent does that mean Twilight would like someone unpredictable, like Discord?
4322797 There you go; now they're nice and edited just like their counterparts.
Ponievement Received: "Use 3 words that are homophones"
4325962 I'm not sure what this means...
4322978 I was meaning to get around to deleting those. Thanks for reminding me.
4325985 it means that there is nothing that their soul cannot devour.
Or it just means I got bored and made an incoherent sentence that used homophones.
4325993 Okay... I just wasn't sure if it meant anything, since it seems as though you directed your comment towards me. Oh well.
Nopony won the bet, it was a tie. The bet was first to propose, not the first to have their proposal accepted.
That said, nice little piece of fluff. Enjoyed. :)
4325927 the sigh is supposed to be from Twi just loving Rainbow's quirks .
4326378 I don't think ether of them were thinking to hard about the finer rules of the bet at that point, or maybe Twilight was just giving it to Rainbow.
This was some fine fluff and a good look into the cuter aspects of Twidash. For the kind of story it was, 'A Twidash-y Day' was quite nice. I have to say, though, that since the story didn't cover any new ground I found myself less interested than I could have been. Still, I'm sure you'd be able to do more without such a constrictive word limit. I also noticed a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome at the start (and believe me, I know LUS; 'Miss Sparkle' had a pretty bad case for a while) but I'm sure that will pass with time.
I'm looking forward to the next story you write. Keep me posted!
4327709 lavender unicorn syndrome?
and I'm currently writing my next one.
4327715
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is the name for fanfic writers' tendency to use descriptive phrases instead of names or pronouns. One example is the use of 'the lavender unicorn' instead of 'Twilight', and then there's 'the librarian', 'the pegasus', 'the perky party pony', et cetera. Used occasionally it can add spice to a story, but if used too often it becomes distracting, as it was when you used 'her marefriend', 'the lavender mare' and 'her mare's face' in the space of three lines. I have a high tolerance for LUS because I find the repetition of names or pronouns to be more unpleasant to read than interesting descriptors, but most other readers disagree so it's a habit you should probably try to break.
4327760 I'll make sure to look out for that, thanks for telling me what it was.
4327884
No problem! I'm always happy to help an aspiring author.
I really needed something like this yesterday. Thank you.
4328450
I was going for fluff.
This was pretty good for a first ever fic. Kudos! Though, I do have to second Adda's commentary. I also spotted a few things that could use some polishing. If you'd like me to go over it with an editor's pen, I'd be happy to send you a PM with the things that could be fixed or improved, as well as links to some helpful books, blogs, etc.
4329307 I go to answer you and my mined go's blank, I just couldn't think of how to answer. well any way, you can do that if you want, but you don't need to.
4329320
I'll send you a few links to some books I'm reading on the art and craft of writing. Not grammar books. Those are boring, and I figure you'll pick that up pretty quick anyway so long as you keep at it (and your grammar is mostly fine, aside from a few things.)
These are books on the subtler elements like plot, dialogue, characterization, active setting, point of view filters, and other things that writers have in their toolboxes.
I think you'll enjoy them. They're giving me some inspiration every time I pick them up.
4327760
fucking hell I've been reading pony fic for years and now is the first fucking time ive known what the hell lavender unicorn syndrome was. christ almighty thank you.
ive seen that damn term for ages and ive always been wtf is that?
by the way thus is neither joke nor sarcasm. thank you.
4329335 cool... and the grammar is mainly do to Bassline and Melody.
4329339
Haha, no problem. Your avatar looks fantastic, by the way. I need to find a bigger version of that.
4329372 picked it up initially on eqd. was the cover image for merely a mare whitch is arguably the best lunajack romance non clop ever. its between that and what the night remembers.