The Everchanging Story

by Imperium Bedlam

The Hills Are Aliiiivvvveee!

'Why does it sound so quiet?' were her first thoughts as she woke up before groaning and rolling over, jumping slightly as the grass tickled her underbelly 'wait, grass? Also why are my indirect thoughts in third person?' She didn't get an answer to her second question though as she was too startled by the answer to her first.

Upon opening her eyes Jess immediately noticed she was in a nice grassy field on a hill with a gentle slope. The entire hill seemed to move as a casual breeze caused the grass to sway back and forth like in a dance. "Well then, I'm obviously dreaming because these sorts of places only exist in the country or in terrible movies like The Sound of Music" were her first spoken words as she woke up in the magical land of Equestria, "What?", as she woke up in the seemingly deserted place that was completely unknown to her, "No you are going to stop right there, thoughts, and tell me how you know something I don't even though you're my thoughts."

She was quickly drawn away from her obviously deluded "Hey!" speech patterns by the sound of someone singing "Fine then, ignore me, this is just a stupid dream anyhow" something along the lines of the hills are alive. When she tried to get up to investigate the odd singing she suddenly lost her balance and fell face first into the ground.

Rolling onto her back, Jess raised what she thought were hands in front of her face to discover they were not claws but talons. Needless to say she was struck silent in sheer shock "Holy shit!" of seeing the odd appendages in front of her and quickly scrambled to her feet, only to notice they looked like lion paws and was struck completely silent at the sight "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!".

After a few seconds she finally calmed down enough "AAAHHHHHHH!", after a few more seconds she finally calmed down enough "aaaaaaahhhhhh", after a few minutes of needlessly making noise she finally calmed down enough "ah", she calmed down enough to realise the singing had come from a lady who was wearing a blue dress with an apron and was currently sprinting towards her with a menacing expression on her face that made it look like the devil herself was hunting down poor, uncooperative, little Jess.

"AHHH!" she cried as she fell onto her back and tried to scamper away from the mad woman who was obviously bent on Jess' poor utter annihilation. It did not help her though and she quickly scrunched up her eyes in a vain attempt to not see the pain she was to endure. After a few SECONDS she realized she was not in absolute agony for some odd reason and slowly opened an eye, wondering if the woman had had a heart attack or something.

What she saw instead though was the woman holding a letter out towards Jess and with the most pleasant smile she had ever seen. Cautiously she opened her other eye and greeted the smiling woman with a wary smile of her own. Slowly, Jess reached out her talon and took the letter and not a moment later the lady was walking away, twirling and dancing slightly while humming a tune to a song only she could hear.

When Jess had enough time to get over her shock she decided to turn her attention the letter she held below her, promptly realising she now had a beak for some reason, she shrugged it off though 'Dream weirdness' and quickly returned her eyes to the letter. The envelope was a perfect white and had a wax seal with the letter 'D' on it, until she blinked and suddenly the envelope was entirely coloured to look like the sea with a small boat on it and the wax seal had been replaced with a smiley face sticker with its tongue poking out.

She shook her head a bit before hooking a talon under the seal and lifting it off. Taking an oddly soaked letter out of the envelope she sighed before chucking both the letter and envelope away in a fit of agitation before falling onto her back. Then she noticed the smell of smoke and looked to her side to the letter was now on fire. She quickly started beating at it with a wing before she stared slack-jawed at the fact she had a wing.

Some time later she stopped being stunned by the fact she had a wing and..... kept looking at the wing. Deciding to move on though she returned her attention to the letter, she turned her attention to the other wing she realised she had and lay there slack-jawed. She then finally returned her attention to the "Oh my god I have wings!" letter that was previously on FIRE "oh right" only to notice that it was gone and in it's place was a message burnt into the grass.

Dear [Jessica Denelle],
It has been brought to my attention that you [Jessica Denelle] have not been satisfied with your life and thus decided to take action.
I have chosen to bring you to a magical land known as Equestria!
She didn't seem to notice that the burnt message now seemed to be talking to her.
You have been turned into a [Gryphon] so that your [Human] body does not overload from all the ambient magic in the atmosphere.
You are also going to own a very slight amount of my power now which includes but is not limited to:
Pretty much anything.
All you need to do is [Snap your talons] and whatever you imagine will happen, however this power is limited and as such you have around [???] Patans of magic at your disposal.
My only request is that you explore and have fun!
Sincerely signed, Discord the God of Chaos

At which point Jess fainted again.

Author's Note:

No idea what a measurement of magic would be so I'll just use Patans. As a little bit of reference though: Twilight = 750 Patans, Celestia = 1500, Lyra = 40, Vinyl = 50, Sweetie Belle = 15. Basically the measurement goes up the more time and practice you put in or something. Maybe I'll just change the measurement to Sweetie Belle's.
"Criticise away peasants!"
*WHACK*
I swear to the flying spaghetti monster Blueblood that I am not afraid to hurt you if you do that again, I Pinkie Promise.
*whimpers can be heard*
As he said though, go for your life, or death, or undeath, or living hell, or whatever state of being you are in.

Comments

[TheAussieBlue]

This is pretty bad. I could go into depth, but I can't say more than EVERYTHING. But I'll try.

Whenever a character says anything, press 'enter' first, so it should look like this:

Upon opening her eyes she immediately noticed she was in a nice grassy field on a hill with a gentle slope. The entire hill seemed to move as a casual breeze cause the grass to sway back and forth as in a dance.

"Well then, I'm obviously dreaming because these sorts of places only exist in the country or in terrible movies like The Sound of Music" were her first spoken words as she woke up in the magical land of Equestria...

"What?"

...as she woke up in the seemingly deserted place that was completely unknown to her.

"No you are going to stop right there, thoughts, and tell me how you know something I don't even though you're my thoughts."

Looks better, right? Now put in a few breaks in that really long sentence in the bottom to show who is saying it, so that it look more like this:

Upon opening her eyes she immediately noticed she was in a nice grassy field on a hill with a gentle slope. The entire hill seemed to move as a casual breeze cause the grass to sway back and forth as in a dance.

"Well then, I'm obviously dreaming because these sorts of places only exist in the country or in terrible movies like The Sound of Music" were her first spoken words as she woke up in the magical land of Equestria...

"What?"

...as she woke up in the seemingly deserted place that was completely unknown to her.

"No you are going to stop right there, thoughts," she said, "and tell me how you know something I don't even though you're my thoughts."

Getting better, but not quite there. Don't always refer to your character as she, and descriptive prose is also bad. Use her name, and use it often (though not when it sounds awkward). Then it should look like this:

Upon opening her eyes Jess immediately noticed she was in a nice grassy field on a hill with a gentle slope. The entire hill seemed to move as a casual breeze cause the grass to sway back and forth as in a dance.

"Well then, I'm obviously dreaming because these sorts of places only exist in the country or in terrible movies like The Sound of Music" were her first spoken words as Jess woke up in the magical land of Equestria...

"What?"

...as she woke up in the seemingly deserted place that was completely unknown to her.

"No you are going to stop right there, thoughts," Jess said, "and tell me how you know something I don't even though you're my thoughts."

And already it looks better. Of course, I can't help with a bad story. No one can. All I can do is make your story look and sound better. I hope this helps. (and yes, your story is bad.)

[Imperium Bedlam]

4146731
Yes I know it's bad and I frankly don't care, it's mine so Imma keep it going.
Firstly ew, I know that sort of format is sometimes used in stories, but it's really only often employed when it would actually look good. The paragraph you decided to use it with does not fit it at all and now it just seems very disjointed and icky. And yes, I can describe words as a texture because why not?
Second thingie: Woo, you put a comma in congratulations. I admit it looks a bit nicer but really? You needed a whole paragraph to explain why a comma needed to be there?
Thirdie: You say (Though not when it sounds awkward) and then do exactly that?
And finally, I appreciate your opinion and shall stash it away in my box of opinions to later be archived.

All jokes aside, thanks for taking time out to help with a 'bad' story.
Wait, just checking but did you notice the spelling mistake? If you didn't then that's just silly.

[Nineveh]

4146743 Hey, I see this story hasn't any likes right now, and I can see why. I'm not exactly commenting on the story itself, but about your attitude towards the critic you receive. Getting negative feedback on your stories results in your backlash and stubbornness to easily disregard other people's opinions. Accept the critic, and consider them. If 4146731 gave you some helpful advice, take it as it would make your story better and would practice you to the next steps in writing. Why do you write fanfiction? To please an audience, am I mistaken? You wouldn't have posted this on a public website otherwise. But, what's the point if you don't accept what your audience says?

I don't say this to you in any negative or crude ways. I hope you realize that, as a fellow brony and friend, I don't hate on you or your story

[Imperium Bedlam]

4146775
Wait did I come off as negative? Well damn sorry about that then. I always seem to come off as negative even when I try to be nice . I understand perfectly if someone criticises the story in a negative way, I wrote the damn thing in ten minutes and didn't even edit it, and I guess it does suck a bit but still I'm going to keep it going for my own benefit really. Even then though it's no excuse for rude behaviour so yeah, sorry to TheAussieBlue if I came off as mean or rude, in fact I actually liked your comment earlier. So yeah, whoops.

Also, just noticed it has 10 reads now and I'm still bored as hell. Therefore, new chapter.