Whispers have always plagued Fluttershy's mind. Whispers about death, cruelty and suffering; and how she played a part in it all. After all Nature was rarely kind to the weak and sick. As the weak and sick fed those that weren't. Besides the predators needed to eat too. She was just being kind to them, right? She wasn't being deliberately cruel. Besides those few she helped... Rest, yes rest weren't going to recover. It was kinder to end it quickly and painlessly for them. Wasn't it?
But whispers don't always stay whispers...
Chapters (6)
I'd hate to say it but to me the chemo seems like the worst option. I'm sorry Twilight..... go ahead with the surgery. Better to be nearly horn and magicless than to be a husk thanks to chemo. (My mom went through chemo and lived so I'm not saying it doesn't work but the first option seems so much better than it.)
On the second last paragraph, I think you put meant "strain" not " stain"
4100554 Thanks, didn't notice that typo, didn't come up red underlined.
Ah! Crap, I did not mean to do that. Right, I didn't mean to delete that comment and review. I was trying to reply to it, but my stupid fat fingers got in the way on my iPad. In any case I read over it and I'd like to say, thanks. By the way here's the review if any of you are interested.
As a side note I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. I'm not all that used to writing stories. I'm honestly more of a poet, so for this story brevity will ensure I'm less likely to screw up. I do have a vague outline of the story.
I either have two or three chapters left once I decide the details and try a few drafts. So any suggestions, criticism, advice, and what not will be greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry that these chapters are really short. I'm honestly not trying to pad my story with chapters. I'm just not used to writing anything bigger then a few hundred words. So please be patient while I get the hang of it. That being said I'm also trying to have the chapters be a singular theme. Later I may or may not rewrite this story and combine the chapters later, unless it clashes stylistically.
Hopefully the changes to some of the chapters and description has addressed the issues that the review pointed out. Please, please post comments, criticism, advice, and even your rage. Any feedback will help me craft a better story.
Oh crap... Flutters don't you listen to that voice.
Right, I think I have one more chapter. Where we will revisit the first chapter in more detail and finish off this story. At the moment I'm still fleshing out the final/first scene. Hopefully you pictured "Hush now, Quiet now" as the lullaby if not. Tell me how to improve the narrative so it is the song you think of. As it is I'm a little stuck on how to flesh out the final chapter.
So I'm open to suggestions.
4107221 I think we both knew that wasn't going to happen.
Apparently insomnia equals inspiration. Who knew? Anyways the story is finished. Done, all that's left is possibly some polish, spell checks, grammar checks and what not. If you notice anything please point it out. Also if you have any suggestions or comments I'll happily hear them out. Not to mention do my best to accommodate or incorporate what I can. Thanks for reading!
Also I know that the last portion of this chapter is a rehash of the first. It's intentional, hopefully I got that across clear enough. Though if not please provide where I could improve.
4108295 The last two.... I'm confused with. Explain what happened a little to me?
4108484 Fluttershy killed Spike, then Twilight. All the while slowly losing touch with reality and her sanity?
Man I thought I did an okay job of portraying that. Right, so Fluttershy "graduates" from mercy killing small animals to sentient beings in "Changes". Slowly listening and possibly agreeing with the voice. I also try to imply that the voice gains strength enough to mess with Fluttershy's inner monologue via italics. Thus why there are more italics in the last chapter. Anytime that italics aren't in quotes use them as blank spaces to fill in something more sinister and closer to "reality". Does that make sense?
If not, how can I clear it up? Also how can I include this explanation without actually including it? Do you think I should include a strike through version before the italics to indicate what's being replaced?
Dude! Why did you delete my comment? It was a link to a review, and a positive one at that. I even liked and favorited this story.
4108835 it was an accident, I was trying to reply. But then I pressed delete, as well as confirm... Yeah I know it sounds unlikely. But sometimes fat fingers and small screens really make it difficult. Honestly I shouldn't use my phone to post comments, but walking time is free time. Honestly didn't mean to do that. I also posted up your review in my response.
PS: I feel like a rube for deleting your comment.
4108847
Oh, if it's an accident that's fine. It's just, usually my reviews are rather negative, so often when they're deleted it's on purpose.
4108853 I bet. Though even if it was negative I would have kept it and the link. Reviews help the writing process.
Agian for those of you lost and confused about the review here it is again. Check it out.
4108751 It makes sense.
4108929
If more people had this attitude, the world would be a better place. And I wouldn't have to buy a new monitor every time someone acts like I'm threatening their first born with my review.
4109033 Ah I'm glad.
4109410 yeah that would be nice...
Right I'm going to stop commenting on this story, to avoid artificially inflating the stats. I will however still read over the comments from time to time. Though I don't think I'll be changing anything else for the time being.
I think you meant "where". Just a small typo (unless I'm wrong which isn't unlikely since I get them mixed up a lot
)
Otherwise I'm really liking this, I don't know how to describe it in words but there's this small subtly to the emotion and it's beautiful. Spike blaming himself like Commander Fowler mentioned in his review is great, it makes him feel realistic and shows that, despite his maturity in the show, he's still a child.
I like the direction this seems to be heading in, and despite the chapters being rather short they carry a lot of meaning and push the story forward at a good pace. There's no extra padding or lack of detail, they're a long as they need to be.
You have my attention sir, I shall be continuing. Oh and because I'm dying to know, did you base this off people who suffer from pituitary gland tumors?
(P.S. is it just me or did you change 'node' to 'gland' because of what Commander Fowler and I were discussing in the comments of his review?)
4106687 I know I said this in my comment last chapter, but I think for this story, the chapters being short is good. They're as long as they need to be and they carry emotion beautifully by themselves. I feel like combining the chapters would cause them to become somewhat clunky due to their different styles. Sure they all have the same tone, but the way they carry the message through is different. It's up to you but I'd leave them as they are.
Some of the wording in this chapter comes off as a bit awkward. For example this line:
Perhaps "Often saying something along the lines of". Still a tad awkward, but not as much.
By itself not too bad, if a bit clunky, but following the previous sentence the wording is awkward. Saying "also" and "too" in the same sentence both referring to the same thing makes the sentence sound redundant. Not to the story as a whole but within the sentence itself, if that makes any sense... Perhaps: "They were also coming more frequently".
Oh my.
Fluttershy really has snapped hasn't she.
I find it very smart to have had Fluttershy kill spike in the manner she did. Suffocating him like that all while justifying her action and Spike's struggle to breathe. And then that subtle way of telling us that he was gone...
Then when Fluttershy is 'helping' Twilight, and her interpretation that this was just Mr. Beaver was brilliant. If Fluttershy ever would snap this would be the way she does. Not as a crazy trigger happy murderer, but as someone who has lost their grip on reality overcome by her inner demons. She truly thinks she's helping Twilight, and that's what makes this so well done. She can't tell what she's doing anymore, her mind has just been consumed with wanting to help that she's not processing what she's doing to her friends, and the way she keeps trying to justify/explain to herself what she's doing is right just furthers this point.
Very well done! In all honesty I think this unsettled me more than what any other horror fic has tried to do. I means that in a good way though. You made Fluttershy's slip from reality happen very naturally; kudos to you good sir. I look forward to anything else you might publish in the future.
4123873 thanks for the catch on the typos as well as grammar advice. Also I did change node to gland, honestly it sounds better this way.
As for the peturitary gland tumor, Twilight's illness is based off of it. Not that it really maters. Any of the following could have easily replaced the tumor: a brain aneurysm, blood clot, cerebral hemorrhage, or honestly any cerebral issue could have worked. Though the majority are not long term issues and are sudden onset medical problems, with a few exceptions.
That said persistent pain is something you should have a doctor look at, regardless of how "minor" you believe it to be. Actually any persistent medical issues regardless if they cause pain or not should be referred to a medical expert.
This is actually very nicely written :D A few typos and grammatical errors aside, this fic is genuinely creepy. My one issue is the style of the chapters, I feel that they are a little too short. However, this is preetty much just personal preference really. Keep it up :D
4137158 point out grammar errors and typos and I'll fix them. Thanks.
Eeyup
This is dark and insanity just the thing I was looking for
wait wha??