I'm a short story writer, although not very good at it feel free to comment and review any of my work. critiques are greatly appreciated
celestia and luna have been going to war in this war between the new lunar republic and the celestial empire, moonshine, a rookie who recently enlisted fights his first and only battle, while then tyranny of celestia is put to an end. [updated version]
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This needs work. More work than my story and my story needs work. Get help kidd and hen maybe even do a rewrite of the story. Well its just me so you don't have to listen.
Me and Frostbite could proof read this if you need
its still a bit rough, i wouldn't mind some proof reading. im still a novice writer, this is basically my first short story
So...I'm no expert on story writing but I hope this helps
The main thing that's missing in your story is the description of the ship (setting) and your character.
You didn't really tell us the size of the ship, nor the condition that the ship was in. Was the spaceship the size of a building, a cruise ship, or larger?
Was it new and well maintained as it was a brand new ship, or old and battered because has fought several battles? Describing the setting can help set the atmosphere/mood of the story, which is important in a dark story.
And even though moonshine dies, he's pretty OP taking down so many soldiers. You also didn't tell us much about his feelings, thoughts or even his appearance.
If you don't tell us his feelings and his thoughts, we can't connect to him as a character which is important in a tragedy. Not telling us how he looks is big missed opportunity to tell us how he's like, for example his mane is well combed, his gun shone from frequent cleaning, he was alert and at attention, these tell us that he is tidy and disciplined.
And though I can't really figure out what it is, but his dialogue seems really hollow to me. It feels like he is merely stating facts instead of his thoughts and emotions.
And then there's the ending...and honestly I had to re-read a few times to get what was happening and considering the quality of this fic, most people might not do that.
Problems (I'm going to be extremely nitpicky here since it affects how the story flows):
1)What did the detonator do? Did it activate the Sun Nuke? If it does then it's really confusing since it was called the SUN nuke. If it doesn't, why did the celestia suicide by activating it?
2)Why was the captain the only left alive? If the Nuke destroys two of the best ships in existence, what the hay is the escape pod made of and why didn't other escapees survive?
3)Where did the recon ship come from? It felt out of place.
4) How did the captain just kill a ship full of ponies by himself? I mean, not even Moonshine could do that without dying and Moonshine was fairly OP.
5) The vow to return the favour. What favour? The celestia hasn't done anything yet.
6) Most confusing part: The celestia wasn't the mothership, I know you told us the celestia was an attack ship earlier, but by now we've forgotten it because it seemed like such a insignificant point then, and when I mistook the celstia to be the mothership, I couldn't understand what happened.
Well, hopes this helps a bit
, sorry for sounding like a git while stating problems with the ending.
4100228
thanks for the input ill get to work on rewriting it at this moment.
i really appreciate it.
With a bar that red, I bet you wish you could just unwrite this but that would require a time machine.