I'm a short story writer, although not very good at it feel free to comment and review any of my work. critiques are greatly appreciated
Elles wanders into the everfree forest only to find that she has gotten lost looking for her mother, when she stumbles upon a castle. She soon finds out that the forest is no place for a filly... [comments and proof reading are appreciated, this is my first attempt at writing a horror story]
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My down vote is for a lack in detail and a failure to really interest me. Might want to rewrite it.
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Do not have errors in your description. The description is one of the first things that a reader will see and if they find mistakes within it then they'll already start to be put off. I always say that every mistake in the description is worth anywhere from five to ten mistakes in the actual story.
Chapter length is a little on the low side for a one-shot. While the desired minimum for chapters is (in my rules) 1,200, I think that it needs to be doubled for a one-shot.
Anyways, onto the story...
Horror writing (and writing in general) doesn't work like this. Horror works by putting a reader in the moment, not giving them a boring match of tell and tell (as opposed to show and tell, which you should do). You can't get away with just giving us a quick run-down on what's going on. That isn't scary in the least. With horror more than most other genres you need to paint an extra solid mental image for your reader that is unsettling. Furthermore you must put your character through more trials.
Instead of just having what you've got here, making Elles (which isn't a very good pony name by the way) have to force herself to her hooves past all the fear keeping her paralyzed would be much more rewarding. Describe the fear, the pounding of her heart, the sharpness of her breath. Show us her though process as she urges herself to bolt away from the foal as well as her adrenaline-infused rush for safety as bushes and brambles nip and bite at her as she charges through them.
Already I'm going to tell you to get an editor or proofreader to help you with this. Make sure that they're someone both dedicated and with plenty of experience under their belt.
Um, yeah, one of which is the very pony that she was looking for in the first place. Why isn't she like: "Oh, hi mom I was looking for you!" Even if the reply is something zombie/posessed/etc-like, she would say something. Logical flaw detected.
Show more than tell. Some, let me say that again: some telling is required for a story. However, when writing fiction you must show more than you tell otherwise all we end up with is a boring mass of garbage that is both uninteresting and unappealing. Again, get an editor who will help you with this stuff.
Also, I don't get these. Is each little thing supposed to be its own chapter? If that's the case then every "chapter" is much too short to even be considered being such a thing. I get that with each one a new verse is added to the foal's thing, but even then they're still pointless so consider removing them.
Speaking of which, I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure that nopony (especially not a youngling, which I assume Elles is) would be conscious/alive after what she's been through. The leg, yeah that you can keep awake in, but getting one of your ribs ripped out is going to cause massive amounts of bleeding and have a good chance of causing pneumothorax, or a sucking chest wound. In this situation, air gets into the chest cavity and makes breathing very difficult, if not impossible and you asphyxiate. So yeah, not too realistic.
And the rest was just as dull.
So yeah. Get and editor and, if you want to try again, go look for a horror-based group and read some of the better-rated stories there. This is the best way to see how proper horror is done.
Question or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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