I can't believe nobody had snagged this username yet
Completed Story Compendium21,049 stories ·1,701 members
Authors Helping Authors8,593 stories ·2,462 members
Italian bronies68 stories ·31 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,243 stories ·5,458 members
Filthy Rich76 stories ·85 members
Filthy Rich is a miserable, bitter, angry sort of pony, and he figures he's got nothing to lose by trying to befriend Discord for personal gain.
Turns out he's wrong. About most everything, it turns out.
Feedback is extremely welcome, especially criticism of any kind! Also, I'd like to thank Isseus for looking over the first part of this story.
Page generated in 0.117 seconds
Total duration
908 users online
405,600 hits today, 1,960,719 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
For the love of God, capitalize your title.
As for the concept, it sounds pretty interesting. Haven't seen many 'Deal With The Devil' stories on this site.
4067647
Done. Is there a specific reason every word in a title has to be capitalized? Because it seems a bit strange to me :-/
4067659
English rules, really. Important phrases such as titles for documents have most of their words capitalized.
Very good. I actually completely missed the twist at the end the first time I read it.
However, this might be because I was distracted by your sudden change of person. You start the story in "I" and end in "he". If this was intentional as part of the change, you need to better telegraph it, because the fact that so many fanfic writers do make shifting person mistakes means it's very, very easy to assume this was a mistake. There's nothing in the story to make clear why you would have shifted person; Filthy started telling the story about himself, and regardless of whether he is quite still himself by the end or not, I don't quite see why he would suddenly shift to talking about himself as if he were a completely different pony, nor do I see why the narrator would have changed. So if it was intentional your reasoning is too subtle and if it was accidental you should fix it.
4067684
Thanks for pointing it out, then! :-)
Name of Story: A Stochastic System
Grammar score out of 10: 7
Pros (list three pros)
It's a good depiction of Filthy Rich, it's rare to see a story about him!
You did most of the characters you included justice.
The pacing was very well set.
Cons (list three cons):
Spacing was way weird. You pushed enter way too many times, so it's all a big jumble of half-lines.
A few punctuation, grammar, and cap. errors.
I feel you were trying a bit TOO hard with making Discord. He's chaos, not randomness.
Notes Section: I would recommend merging some of the lines together,so it looks like a better. Also, either proofread it yourself, or have someone do it for you as I noticed a few punctuation and grammar errors.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: I would prefer 'Wake of Destruction' but any of mine would be fine!
4067685
It was intentional and too subtle :-/
The idea was that by the end, Filthy realizes that most of his problems come from the fact that his worldview is centered around himself, and that he doesn't realize huge things that happen in his life because of this-hence the perspective switch.
I don't really know how better I could telegraph it, though. Maybe by having his epiphany explicitly spelled out? :-/
4067709
Wait, you switched POVs to implicitly describe a perspective change in a character?
By God, that's dangerous. And honestly pretty damn interesting. Good idea there!
4067705
Thanks! I'll review Wake of Destruction as soon as I can :-)
4067727
mymememaker.com/media/created/pouwya.jpg
4067684
but actually sometimes
there's a good reason why you might not want to use capitalization
for example the poet ee cummings
he generally didn't use punctuation either, but i think that's going too far
i've deliberately used lowercase letters as titles on occasion because of the feeling it conveys
i don't know how to explain it
it feels like putting your writing in a minor key
that being said, it's important to know and fully understand the rule before you can get away with breaking it
so if the author didn't really intend to convey something with the all-lowercase title, then changing it is correct
but if i had a story with an all-lowercase title it would be deliberate
it's like the difference between prose and poetry
See, there's a big difference between the feeling you get from reading what I wrote above, and the feeling you get from what I'm writing now, even though the only difference between the two is that I'm employing correct punctuation and formatting for prose style rather than poetic style. I personally think it's a terrible idea to write a story in poetic style if it's longer than about 500 words or so, but I've done entire (short) stories in poetic style, and occasionally done them in all lowercase, because it shifts the tone in a way it's hard to do otherwise.
JUST LIKE ALL CAPS CONVEYS SOMETHING, USUALLY THAT THE WRITER ISN'T ANY GOOD IF THEY MAKE IT GO ON ANY LONGER THAN this, all lowercase can generate a specific feeling. aLso sOmEtiMes yoU MigHt wAnt rAnDom cAps, but sweet baby Jesus that's both hard to write and annoying as hell to read. One of my stories on this site was purportedly a document written by Discord. When Spike got hold of said document in the sequel, his third-person focus narration tells us that iT is WriTteN liKe tHis, and I thought about rewriting the story that way to convey the chaotic nature of it (and the incredible difficulty Spike has in actually reading the document), but I decided, hell no, I am neither that masochistic to do that to myself, nor that sadistic to do it to my readers.
This was amazing.... and so unique.
I loved every minute of it
Alright, so nitpicks out of the way first.
A 'such as,' after pleasantries, period after attitude and capitalize “and I can see”.
Capitalize.
Even when ending a sentence with it getting cut off, always have some form of punctuation, in this case a dash. Also, the 'when her whole face lit up' feels awkward. I can understand where it's coming from, with the 'breaching the topic with her:' but to make it work I'd replace the colon with the worth 'with'.
Similar rule. Always end with punctuation when going into quotations, in this case a colon would work best, or a period, and then capital.
from him”. Period after %, capitalize and.
All these can easily be put into one quotation.
Too many dashes in name-calling and refer back to ending with a dash. Also, start a new paragraph with a new speaker.
In this case, period after her and capitalize My.
Think.
Freezed actually isn't a word, it's froze.
Oh! Oh...
4067659 Not every word. Things like the, to, etc remain normal.
Now for the story itself. This is a very unique concept, and could certainly go to the X Becomes a Draconequus group. I like how Filthy (I'm sorry, Rich
) doesn't even notice the changes. Also the change from 1st to 3rd person was, I feel, really well done, and it certainly made things more ominous by the end. Every character is portrayed well, the little reference to Suri makes a lot of sense with Diamond.
And that cliffhanger!
For your first story this is very, very good. Certainly better than the first I ever made way back on fanfic, however your prose (Grammar, punctuation, etc) could use cleaning up even if they aren't atrocious.
4067786
Thanks for the extremely involved comment! :-)
I'm actually...extremely embarrassed by those errors
Would it look bad if I went and edited them out? As in, is it normal etiquette on the site, or is it frowned upon to change your story once you've published it?
I'm actually surprised I was able to write the characters well; I didn't think it would be a strength in the story.
And yeah, that cliffhanger is a stinker, especially since this is a one shot :-P
I don't think I'll do a follow up, but you never now :-D
4067778
You're right, that whole first part felt very...low key, oddly enough. It does change how it's perceived
4067865 As far as I know it's not frowned upon; you acknowledge your mistakes and fix them.
4068403
good to know
Neat story! Thought I had a good guess on what was happening throughout the story, but the ending caught me by surprise.
Good work!
With a father like that... one need not wonder the WHY of how Diamond Tiara became "Diamond Tiara".
Even going so far as acknowledging her in disdainful shame before smacking her upside her head.
I wonder how often he's disciplined her through physical means? He even has the gall to actually genuinely hate his own daughter despite himself being something questionably the source of her inspiration.
Silver Tongue, and the fact Fil was so confident that Silver Tongue would back up his claim of such things he told Derpy.
AJ, despite being so simple in her ways she always hits others with that solid dose of honesty others would try and white-wash or ignore. Shame Filthy didn't meet up with her sooner and have these hearts to heart.
The Ending. That is a nice contrast to the Alicorn ascension. He didn't flinch or act as though anything had remotely changed, nothing was different. For him it was as if looking in the mirror to see the same reflection of himself as he would every morning. The same, uncaring, deceitful, manipulative monster he seems to see himself as. Only now, all ponies can see it too. Kinda sad to see Diamond lose her father too. Though, no idea what will happen afterwords. One thing is certain, his presence won't be ignored. And he doesn't have that balance Discord has where everything is treated as a game. I wonder if he'd take AJ's parenting advice. That would be the most awkward of conversations at this point.
Poor fool blind to his own faults and can't see the effects he has on his own daughter.
You know, it's pretty weird we haven't had a Filthy Rich tag implemented in ALL these years considering all the other ponies who don't even have recurring roles or gotten as much screen time and character as he has, and he has character.
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/015/0/2/fr2_by_telaros-d729ypp.png
You should see if Knighty would implement that for you since quite honestly this Diamond Tiara with Other tag is ridiculous considering the number of Filthy Rich stories buried under obscurity.
http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/015/0/2/fr2_by_telaros-d729ypp.png <- link to the png
Wow! That was a very interesting story, for sure. Lots of things happened that I didn't expect, but what more could I ask from a story with Discord in it? I think there might be a tiny plothole, though. I reread the story and I still don't see what made Filthy turn around. He started becoming nicer when he took the card from Cheerilee, then he had a nice conversation with Applejack. Did the events with Discord and Fluttershy do this?
Nice little story, anyway. Now for some critique.
Missing a comma.
I would reword this to make it flow a bit better. You could probably combine "that is given my name" with "like everypony else" with a bit of tweaking.
You also seem to be using two different tenses here.
Missing a comma between "Friendship" and "I'd"
Missing an "a".
Also: Suri as Diamond's mom was a nice touch!
4072739
I know, right? It's very bizarre. And I'm not going to bother Knighty with this, considering there already are a couple of groups dedicated to Filthy Rich and I'd imagine they'd have asked about this already.
Then again, considering Cloud Kicker has a character tag and she's never actually been mentioned by name in the show...
And congratulations! You managed to "get" the ending completely, and it warms my heart to see it received the way I intended it to be received :-P :-)
4077127
Thanks for the comment, it's awesome! :-)
And you're right, I didn't explain how and why Filthy changed in the story well enough, creating a plot hole.
I don't understand how I didn't catch it, and why nobody else who read the story noticed it/mentioned it either.
Anyway, the reason he changed is actually thanks to several factors; to start with, having to admit to someone else that his parenting is bad, by accepting Cherrilee's card.
A lot of pride and ego is involved in any parent's thinking they are good parents, whether they actually are or not.
Having to let go of that made him question a lot more things-as in, if I was wrong about this, what else could I be wrong about?
The talk with Applejack mainly built on this, solidifying it and showing some actual errors he'd done-if Applejack hadn't shown him something that she (who in Filthy's mind is a Good Parent) did and that he didn't, he could've returned to his previous convictions, that Diamond is just a rotten child and the rest is his ex-wife's fault.
What finally happened with Discord was...well, Discord being a dick, mainly. But in story terms, the cause of his problems, which is a huge lack of self-reflection, goes from being internal to external, symbolizing the fact he'll always have to be on guard against it.
I think :-P Considering I believe in the concept of Death of the Author, so everything I just said has no relation to the story :-D
4077495 Ah, now I see! Awesome story you've got here, devas!
Interesting. Different.
Of course Suri is Diamond Tiara's mother.
4077324 Well, he also once said if you provide the adequate pixel dimension png of a character to use for the tag, he could add it.
I'm sorry, but this really limits people's creativity and makes it IMPOSSIBLE to locate all the stories for characters people WANT and DO write about. I provided the tag, I have a slightly more closeup version of that one if he'd like.
But as long as authors are content to have their stories buried in obscurities forever, then I'd advise approaching Knighty and Poultron about adding the poor bastard his much deserved tag so all those unknown stories out there can have a chance to update their tags to be as searchable as Cheese Sandwich, Cloud Kicker (which manely only has one because of the Winningverse), Sparkler, Noteworthy (who writes stories with this pony? O.o), and the donkeys like Matilda and Cranky.
Tag is there. Bottom row could use some filling out anyways.
4077562
Noteworthy has a tag? WTF?!
4077549
First thing I thought of as soon as the episode ended. Coloration fits, attitude too, hence... :-P
And having divorced parents also explains part of Diamond's general brattiness (and I say this as a child of divorced parents).
This is well-written and has a nice premise that most people probably aren't looking for. That's why I like this story. I wish more original ideas came out of the blue in the 'Recently Approved' section. There are a few punctuation mistakes though.
I am disappointed that there's no more coming, while it came to a crescendo it feels like so much could be seen still.
Fascinating. Especially once I read the comments. The problem with techniques like intentional perspective shifts in fan fiction is that it can be hard to tell them from unintentional errors. Plus, an opening line like "I met a god today," makes one expect a resolution to the implied flashback, and it wasn't really clear when that came.
In any case, thank you for this, devas. Using Suri Polomare was a stroke of genius, and the event itself is something I've very rarely seen explored here.
I'm not clear how he became a draconequss
6661843
Discord lies. The change itself happens during the switch from first to third person.
Bizarre, but intriguing throughout. These aren't two characters I thought I would see in a story together. Also, there are character tags for secondary ponies like Filthy Rich now.