Octavia had it all. Well, almost all; she had some money, some fans, some friends, her dream career, but it all lacked something, or someone to be exact. After one of her many concerts she finds herself waiting in line for, what's that? Another concert! Though she might not be the one playing in this one, this is one of the few places where she can relax.
And that is where it all began, on that one night, she found it. But it has a few secrets.
(This story, at the moment, is almost a mine field of spelling and grammar errors. Continue at your own expense as I try to fix some of them)
(Hey guys this is my first fic and comments are welcome for better or worse! Also I have a few things with my Vinyl and Octavia Fics:
~Vinyl's eyes...I have my opinion on their color...(I realize that the show revealed them to be magenta...I was bummed out by that...)
~Not a big fan of Vinyl OR Octavia dying...just not cool to me ( vinyl dies a lot in fics... )
~Don't like sad endings...(not saying there won't be any)
~Don't like unfinished stories...at all
That is all!
~Sapphic~
Haven't read it yet, you earned my +1 because I don't like Vinyl dying, either
Do go on.
Amazing brohoof/)
>>Vlade
Thanks, I'll correct it when I get the chance!
>>CyberSamurai
>>CyberSamurai
Yeah I plan on fixing them ASAP
>>Vlade
Thanks!
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/tumblr_mdnbe6h7sS1r0f89lo3_500.gif
If you guys find any spelling errors, don't hesitate to tell me, It makes correcting them a lot easier.
Please keep this story going!!!!!
>>RD
Don't worry, I will!
Is Vinyl by any chance a Vampire in this story cause I certainly hope so. Vampire Vinyl Scratch "DJ Pon-3" Rocks big time
>>blaid23
...maybe...maybe not....
im sorry for this in advance but there's a wall of critique coming. id rather not give it as I know how disheartening it is but I feel it needs to be done
overall I think this needs a re work. the chopping and changing of the points of view are jarring and often makes one have to re read parts to know who's point of view that paragraph is focused on.
when using first person you should stick to only giving the view of one character, otherwise use third person. third person makes the transition between characters smooth as it uses their name to describe what they do, gives the reader information and allows them to read smoothly. as a rule your reader should not need to back track to understand what's happening.
second the chapter with vinyl's point of view where she confronts biggs is pointless, the reader already knows what happened and this chapter is not going to give any new and relevant information
when writing in scenes, a good idea to ensure you don't go off on a tangent and just write about random events, ask yourself "what does this scene add to the narrative". that is "does the story show or tell the audience something important" such as; the main characters relationship with their family or friends, thus developing the character and showing the way they act around others.
in point the chapter form vinyl's point of view adds nothing.
and thirdly; pad the story out. this can be difficult to get right. at the moment the story is a tad rushed, it kinda jumps from scene to scene a bit try adding a small description of the area they are in when they enter the area where the significant part of the scene is to take place, or have your character reflect on goings on, but keep it natural.
I suggest getting a pre reader and editor to help you smooth out the kinks in the story.
overall, this fic has potential to be rather good once the issues are addressed in my opinion.
never the less, keep writing, the more you write and read the better you will get.
4083138
sorry to be that guy but what was your first clue?
the fact that in the last chapter she had a thirst after she saw blood
or she had a dark secret that she was not proud of + red eyes
>>Air Heart
I said I encourage criticism and I was prepared for it, I realized a lot of these things with Cyber.
Thanks for the comment!
Please write more!
>>Vlade
Thanks for the corrections.
Ok, after seeing the comments I've decided to just make it an Octavia First person for now or until I can get around to finding an editor and/or editing the story.
4083962 all of the above
4084020 what was wrong w/ Vinyl in chapter "Just a little touch" & would she have attacked Octy if she touched Viny?
>>blaid23
If I remember right, Octavia did touch Vinyl. As for the 'whats wrong with vinyl?' I'm writing that chapter now.
I NEED MORE.
>>Cakebomb
That was less or more predictable but not less interesting! I wonder what will happen next...
I would just like to point this out to you (this is not about the story), when replying to a comment there is button in the top right hand part of the comment you want to reply to: it looks a little like this >> : That is the button you have to press for it to send said person a notification for the fact that you have replied to their comment.
CLICKY CLICKY
4101149
Thanks! This is way easier than writing out names!...But what are these numbers?
4101259 That is the comment number, it is why it can show the comment you are replying to.
4101264
Thanks...again
4101267 Nulla consequat.
so far, the story has become much better compared to previous chapters. glad to see you're getting better at writing and taking advice on board. but for future reference, remember that its your story, not the readers.
I am enjoying reading it so far, particularly these last two chapters.
keep on writing.
4101559
Thank you!
Well that wasn't expected! And pretty funny. Good story.
4101718
Thank you!
I thought it was rather good....
LOL! This storys awesome! Keep writing I'll keep reading!
4110925
Thank you!
This is a OctaScratch Fic? Because look's like octavia's finally is getting some action
if you know what i meanLove the story so far, keep on whit the great work.
And... I think that Air Heart is quite a good critic.
Deppressed mare coming whit somepony that she didn't even know, and suddendly that mare is a vampire? Never heard of it
4113886
Thanks!
Well, this turned in a way that i didn't was expecting.
Anyway this is an awesome story, Better Love Story than twilight thou
Sorry for my bad english, i'm on England like two weeks ago, and i still can acostumbrate to the idiom D:
Keep on the great work dude!
4118684
Thank you
This is awesome! Keep it up! I love this story thus far its fun and entertaining!
I wonna see what happens next? Does she get hurt by sunlight? I'm sure she can... Maybe... Hmmm
Anyway Its an intersting story and i really like it!
I can only agree with PinkiePieFox.
I really like it.
The wall of text at the beginning was a bit tough to read though.
4122481
I'll space it out in the mean time
Well it begin... That could have been probably good to add a little more to the "in bar" scene but good chapter as always.
4129833
Gotcha
I really want to like this, but it's pretty painful to read. It's full of bad grammar, spelling errors, clumsy sentences, sparse punctuation and things that just don't make any sense. I'm no expert when it comes to writing, but I'll try to give some examples.
This is a good example of trying to do too much in a single sentence. It could easily be broken into two to make it easier to read and enhance its effect. Also try to avoid repeating yourself in the same sentence too much when trying to describe something. Here, you have light/lighting 3 times and candle twice. The latter half of the sentence also lacks some punctuation.
The fact that it's spelled "descent" aside, descending means going down and ascending means going up. It makes no sense to descend upwards.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you use comma to separate speech from the rest, e.g. "Doing lovely, Octavia," Frederic replied. The "He asked." is also pretty redundant.
General grammatical errors. Also, it's the group that is small, not the ponies... or so I assume, at least.
Here's an example of a really, really long sentence. Don't be afraid to be a bit more generous with full stops.
Who and whose grandmother? I can only assume that you're referring to Octavia and her grandmother, but you keep changing between first and third person.
Also, don't overuse ellipses, that is, the three periods (...).
So yeah, sorry if this comes off as harsh, but for me, these issues are bad enough that I have a hard time enjoying reading this, which is a shame, because I like vampire stories. Perhaps you should look into getting an editor?