Each morning is rather typical. Princess Luna lowers the moon and Princess Celestia takes over to raise the sun. Today would be no different if it weren't for a problem with the "other royal throne" that Princess Celestia uses. A letter about a certain group of fillies and progress in their talents gives the regal mare an idea on how to remedy her problem.
A/N (4/21/14): Downloaded the story and updated the grammar quirks. Removed several unneeded names for Celestia, altered the text to streamline it a bit, and took out some parts that felt redundant. If there are any other grammar quirks, feel free to drop a comment. The only way one can learn is if they are told and showed where they failed.
Chapters (1)
Well I'll be. The CMC might actually have a future as plumbers. Provided the problem is a magical one of course.
I nearly choked to death on all the purple prose in this. The second paragraph is ESPECIALLY bad. The "nightly guardian" crap is just...good god. And don't get me started on "daily royal brew".
Alicorn. The canon term is alicorn.
The awkward purple prose seriously makes this nearly unreadable. You need to trim about 1,000 words of excessive purple prose off this thing.
You also have a SEVERE problem with Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Go through this thing. Every second, third, and fourth place where you DON'T refer to a character by name, instead using some nonsense like "the nightly guardian" or "the regal mare" or somesuch? Change it to their name. That's what names are for.
It's also very strange that for all your purple prose, you have two instances of "both mares resumed their tasks". It's not a good sign when a writer wastes several words on saying nothing at all.
But matters of purple prose and writing gaffes aside, let me explain the single biggest problem with this story:
You had a promising premise. Going off the premise stated in the story summary, and the story promised by the setup in the first few paragraphs, this SHOULD have been a comedic slapstick romp revolving around fixing a broken toilet.
That was the story you promised with the summary. That's the story the reader was likely EXPECTING going into this.
What you delivered instead was a mess of pointless, meandering waffle with very little humor--ALL of which missed the mark, because you don't appear to know how to work with comedy. In the end, this story is a confused, drifting mess of purple prose that doesn't actually tell a story. It just goes on and on about nothing, and does so in a very uninteresting way.
You wasted the premise and failed to live up to the expectations of the reader. And that's one of the worst, most unforgivable things any writer can do.
This shouldn't even have a Comedy tag. Because it isn't funny. It's just dry waffle.
4022858 dude you srsly need to chill the fuck out, everyone has there own stule of wrighting and YOU gotta deal with that, ESPECIALY on a site like this.
4022882
Thanks for the kind words. I have to take take all criticisms, good and bad, with a grain of salt. It enables me to grow as both a writer and an individual. Every story I write is a journey, gaining new insight into how to take a story from thought to digital page. I've only been writing for close to 3 years now, so I'm still an amateur at best.
4022858
I do apologize if you feel the story didn't meet your expectations in terms of comedic enrichment, and I may have gone overboard with the terms in regards to Celestia. I like to use at least 2, sometimes 3, different description for a pony if I have a small number of characters. I've read the terms before, and I know that alicorn = winged unicorn or horned pegasi. For me, personally, I like the term winged unicorn when and where I can use it. As a general rule for myself, if I were working with say 9 ponies, example being the whole mane6 and the CMCs, I would have "trimmed the fat" to limit the overly verbose terms to 1 alternate description per pony.
As for marking the story comedy, I wanted it to be the first portion and the final portion that have the comedic effect. The middle portion where it skips 2 hrs, I want that to serve as a point of imagination for the reader. Let the reader think of what occurred in that space of 2 hours, ultimately leading up to the CMC's hopes getting dashed with each attempt that failed. What did they try exactly? How far did it escalate? Did Princess Celestia have to step in before they nearly destroyed her bathroom or perhaps the castle itself?
Thankyou for taking the time to write out the critique. I will take it to heart.
4023055 ah it's all good, i just dint like peoplelike that, being OVERLY critical.
People like that just gotta lern ti let go and enjoy the stiry for what it is
Hilarious, especially Discord getting to experience the smell of the other royal throne. I can totally see Celestia skipping out on a bunch of nobles for an afternoon to spend time with the Crusaders and give them a bit of help with their studies.
I can actually see that scene: Celestia looking at 'Lenore' and saying: "A... blue horn...?" a beat as her eyes suddenly narrow. "Discord!" Or as Captain Picard may have put it: "Q!" When something hallucinogenically weird happens at Castle Canterlot, everypony knows at whom to point their hoof!
4022858
4023055
A mite harsh but you're right.
I can accept 'writing styles' to a certain extent, but purple unicorn syndrome has me clawing at my own eyes. One of those pet peeves of mine. Everyone has some weak point when it comes to writing. Mad props for taking the criticism well.
(laughing) Royal 'Doodie'.
4022858 While it is good to offer criticism to authors, it should be constructive. This was not; this was just downright mean. Some of the things you said were correct, but instead of attacking everything you could say it nicely, in the form of a suggestion.
I like this fic.
Well,the CMCs didn't get plumber cutie marks but at least Celestia's 'other throne' is fixed