- Member Since 18th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Mar 7th, 2018
Noble Phantasm
There are some things you simply should not know.
Noble Phantasm
Joined 18th Sep, 2013 ·
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Aww
.I 
love this.
That was a nice read, I enjoyed it!
It's really cute
Such sweet sentiment, I love it!
That was adorable.
I've read stories that reach out and attempt to touch the hearts and souls of its readers. I've also read stories that have no souls, instead reaching out and slapping its readers across the face for expecting anything meaningful. With this story, I believe I've actually found a strange middle ground, a story that bears its soul and slaps me across the face with it. Certainly an interesting result.
As the title, cover art, and everything else about this story would imply, this is the story of Scootaloo helping Diamond Tiara overcome some emotional grief. Diamond is upset over the results of Flight to the Finish and her life in general, and Scootaloo attempts to cheer her up as a simple act of kindness. Though it doesn't quite work at first, Scootaloo eventually gives Diamond a very thoughtful present and takes the first step in helping the two of them become more friendly.
This story is an excellent example of strong, emotional writing. Emotions are revealed through dialogue and body language with much more showing than telling. Though we are able to see into Diamond's thoughts, we don't see all of them, meaning there's room to speculate and figure out what she's feeling. The phrasing in Scootaloo's letter provides a powerful tie-in to the episode that this story is derived from, which makes the story feel more like a solid conclusion to that episode than a completely different story altogether. Scootaloo's characterization in general works well to set the emotional tone. At no point does Scootaloo show any sign of vindictiveness or bitterness toward Diamond, not even upon their first encounter. One may argue that might be a tad inappropriate considering their conversations during the episode, but I can see the sense behind it since Diamond is injured and all.
This story offers some excellent symbolism, which, unfortunately, I have to say is this story's greatest weakness. The source of this weakness lies in the fact that the majority of the symbolism in this story is needlessly opaque. The title, for example, was skillfully chosen, having two literal meanings that tie Scootaloo and Diamond together and establish two of the most prevalent elements in the story. However, by spelling out the second meaning of feathers at the beginning without any story context, you rob the title of its cleverness. Like a comedian who explains his own joke, you provide too much information, and it all falls flat. While it's not an overly consistent problem in this story, it does come up on more than one occasion:
The purpose of symbolism is to give a story a deeper meaning, which it cannot do if it appears at surface level. To use symbolism effectively, it needs to go over some people's heads. It needs to be invisible to a certain portion of the audience. Otherwise, it comes across as clever as Waldo attempting to hide in a room painted entirely green.
Overall, this story presents a reasonably realistic and emotional conclusion to Flight to the Finish, provided one is able to accept Diamond's spontaneous love of writing and inner turmoil. Though most of the symbolism is impossible to overlook, I do believe it would be very strong if it were presented in a more surreptitious manner. You also may want to look into your comma usage. I noticed a striking lack of commas where some were needed:
I'd call this story a caramel sandwich, with graham crackers used as the bread. It's a delightful, new take on a concept I've seen done dozens of times before. It's just a bit heavy on the caramel.
Make the most!
This turned out really well. I recommend anyone debating turning away from this story to give it a shot.
4024237
wow. Thanks for taking the time to say all that. Solid advice. I must admit that looking at some of my own previous short stories that didn't go so well that they also suffered, more so than this one did, from the fact that I spell out an idea or a hidden play on words that, left alone, would make for a powerful underlying theme in the fear that it might go over people's heads. I think I'm slowly finding that this makes all of it seem a little forced rather than insightful and that it's better to let those who don't understand not understand and take the story at surface value while letting those who do understand feel more rewarded for perhaps reading a little deeper. 
It probably means I need to find a friend who's a good editor because while I've gotten better, there are still simple sentences like the ones you've pointed out where I miss places where they should be. Taking my own advice though, I'll keep at it.
Also, yes...commas. That little tick mark is probably my worst enemy as a writer.
Again, thanks for the insight. This was good to see. I'm glad that you could still enjoy the story despite a little heavy handedness on my part.
4027242
For what it's worth, I had the exact opposite reaction of 4024237 to the title. I didn't know about that usage of "feather," and so when the title was explained and I realized it was being used explicitly to link the two characters in the story cover pic, my first thought (and I quote) was, "Wow, that's clever."
Would it have worked better if there was a natural place to slip it in as story exposition? Yeah. But up front, where it helped me set my expectations and drew me in, also wasn't bad at all.
Well that was... That was just simply wonderful. Scootaloo has that special something to her.
I can only say this was a good read. Actually want to read it again again. Loved that ending, it all just felt right. Everything Scoots did just felt like something she could and would do if she believed it would help. Ties in well with how she can be firm but fair as in Twilight Time when she actually stands up for Diamond Tiara over Apple Bloom's accusations.
Anyhow, loved the story. And Diamond totally got what she deserved for trying to do that to Scoots in the first place. Karma Di, Karma.
This was a well balanced and lovely story. Damn beautiful really.
4028068 Good to hear. Yet now that I consider it, I don't think your reading of the story would have suffered immensely without that knowledge. Sure, it seems initially clever, but for my future works I think I'll take the less obvious route. One of the beauties of writing is its ability to be interpreted in different ways and when you narrow the reader's perception of a work to one path I think it comes off as rather manipulative. Of course not everyone takes it this way and to some a clever play on words is just that. Its nice to see differing opinions on this point because being too direct vs being too vague is something I've had a hard time balancing. There's a fine line between giving your reader clues that can lead them to a realization and being so cryptic that they just get lost. I think I'm slowly feeling out that middle ground though, so thank you for the insight. I hope what I've gathered here comes across in my next project and I hope its received as well as this one. The amount of feedback I've gotten on this has honestly surprised me, so I'll keep scribbling away.
That was very well done
D'aww... That was a good one.
Excellent!
only one mistake I noticed
should have been "Silver Spoon managed through a mouthful of paper." easy mistake to make.
A side of the little rich girl I never knew existed.
Nice job.
Wonderful story!