I'm Dave, never really got into writing so I'm probably not the best, but hopefully I'll improve over time.
Life in Ponyville has been great for Twilight Sparkle. She has gained some very close friends, gone on big adventures, and even became a more powerful unicorn; however, she has made a few enemies in addition to her friends, and when one of those enemies returns to her with malicious intentions, will Twilight be able to overcome the tragedies that ensue? Or will she break under the devious intent of pure hate?
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This is well written, and you have a talent for imagery.
I won't be following it, though. Just crossed a line for me.
I only really found one error, the line "I've finally completely finished with Equestrian history" should probably be "I'm completely finished etc."
Other than that, I liked it. I felt the start was a little... wonky (can't really put my finger on how), but it smooths out as it goes on. It's fairly well done overall, I'll track it.
Damn...
hah birds dead
now lets see trixies next kill
!
trixie knows not what you are talking about trixie has not even the slightest thought of REVENGE AGAINST THE SPARKLE!
good story bro
356932
thanks, good to know I'm not too horrible
I knew as I was writing it that not everypony would appreciate the amount of grimdark
357025
weird, it doesn't say that for me
357402
thanks!
357476 one more thing.
dont you think?
this makes cupcakes seem a little soft
Yeah, obviously it's Trixie. Come on, anyone who's seen the show already knows who would have a similar grudge against Twilight. But my question is, this seems really out of character for Trixie to do; she merely had a big head. Would she seriously stoop to tormenting animals? Taking away everypony important to Twilight? I never thought she'd stoop to this level. Unless there's a good explanation outside, "You took my fame from me," I'm not buying it.
Unless it's somepony else who's the killer. Then we'd only have to know what went on.
As for the style, it's pretty good-definitely heads higher than the usual fare. Only problem I have with it is that some of its construction seems a tad wobbly, as if it throws in adjectives and metaphors as if it isn't quite sure what to do with them. What this accomplishes is that some of the sentences contain too much weight. Here's an example:
She struggled vainly to rehydrate her saliva-less mouth, unintentionally allowing the vile taste of vomit to make itself known once more to the unicorn.
Let's take a lesson from Hemingway. The man was a miser of language, and rarely doled out any adjectives or adverbs. You need to know when to trim the fat and what to keep. The makings of fantastic writing is not how much an author needs to add; it's how much the author does not need to take away.
Thusly,
She struggled vainly to rehydrate her saliva-less mouth, unintentionally allowing the vile taste of vomit to make itself known once more to the unicorn.
becomes
She struggled to resalivate, unintentionally allowing herself to once again experience the taste of vomit.
You could also combine several sentences together in order to trim even more of the fat. So then,
Twilight’s mouth became drier than it had ever been before, as though she hadn’t had any form of liquid in it for weeks. She struggled vainly to rehydrate her saliva-less mouth, unintentionally allowing the vile taste of vomit to make itself known once more to the unicorn.
becomes
Her mouth as dry as a hopeless desert, Twilight struggled to resalivate, unintentionally allowing herself to once again experience the taste of vomit.
As you can see, it does the job just as well, using only one adjective: "hopeless". Strangely, this one adjective is the only one this sentence needs, as it describes not just the state of Twilight's mouth, but the current fearful atmosphere as well.
So yes, your writing is flashy, but it's too wordy. Trim the fat, boy!
357554
ehhh i really don't like sentences like that, it just feels weak to me, like it is with-holding information. But I dunno, I'm just a fan of longer complex sentences :S
Thanks for the advice though, I definitely don't plan on having every chapter this heavy in description.
In regards to the trixie issue(yes it is quite obvious), I will develop her motives a bit further in, probably eluding to them with each attack. About mid-way you can expect a trixie flash back chapter. I have plans for why she does what she does ;P
357532
I certainly hope not! That story scared the crap out of me
<3 Davey-
357864
I understand the importance of Information. But the problem is, you need to know what to say and what not to say. There needs to be balance, and I'm not seeing it. I am seeing excess, an unnecessary surfeit of pretentious descriptions; a jumble of metaphors that bounce off each other like opposing electrons. Without the delicate balance the art of Information requires, your work either becomes bland (too little) or hard to read (too much).
Just a tip.
358131
it isn't really hard to read though
358359
but don't worry, I only want certain chapters to be heavy in description, certainly not the entire story, or I would be writing for ever lol
358482
My problem with it is not that it's too heavy in descriptions. It's that the descriptions are all pretentious and unnecessarily weighted by meaningless words. Information is important in writing, since without it, all it equals is "Chapter 1: The End."
You need to strike a good balance. Be descriptive of several things: the emotional state of Twilight upon discovering her pet's corpse, the dread in the atmosphere, Twilight's reactions. These are all things that have to be described, as the reader needs to know about them. But the problem is, it's written pretentiously.
Would you, for example, take seriously the following story:
"
Upon the noon hour, I walked casually about my humble abode in search of the dog leash. It was on the kitchen counter, where I had left it last. I grabbed it quickly with my left hand, and went to go find my feisty little dachsund, Max. I found him out in the backyard, frolicking happily.
"Come, Max!" I called to him.
I put his leash on him, then we both strolled happy as could be out the door and down the stone path and down the street for Max's walk.
"
OK, seems engaging at first, right? Guess again: the story amounts to "I took Max for a walk today." Sure, this is probably a more interesting story when written with all these descriptions, but that's the main point--which is a single sentence of seven words. We need to extrapolate that sentence, sure, but it becomes a bore to read when all these descriptions do in the long run is take up space.
So let's try again.
"
It was close to noon, which was about the time I got Max ready for his walk. After finding the leash (For some reason, I keep forgetting it's on the counter), we went outside to greet the sunshine.
"
As you can see, it's just as descriptive as we need. In this story (or part of the story), we know that I'm taking Max for his walk. We learn that I usually take him at noon, and that I keep forgetting where that damn leash is. There, that's really all we need to know, since that's the most relevant and interesting Information the reader needs.
There's no need for extravagence when it comes to Information. There needs to be enough to move the story along in a way that's interesting and engaging. These descriptions of yours take up too much room and make a scene last longer than it needs to.
I know you're not intending the whole story to be this way, but when your first chapter becomes an Info Dump, you can't really expect people turned off by that kind of thing to tune back in next week for another update.
358804
It's not that I'm trying to make it an info dump per say, I needed to get quite a bit of description in early so that I could avoid the first chapter drifting away from the main idea of the sense of scent. If I cut out extra information at the start, the first chapter becomes very short and concise, and could basically be written in two pages. I didn't want that. When chapters with more themes developing come, then there will be a lighter description, but for a single theme, I wanted to focus on, I felt it necessary. In addition to that, I wanted the grimdark to be established powerfully at first, and I feel that with the description used, it successfully reached that point.
I understand what you are saying, and I agree with it to an extent, I just don't want to trek that road until chapter two
Just finished the first four pages of the next chapter, expect by tuesday or wednesday
386539
Don't worry, I have lots planned still, probably not starting chapter three until monday (too much calculus to study for the last few days of spring break) bu I'm aiming for easter for the next chapter ;)
still trying to figure out which direction I'm going in with chapter three, might be a bit delayed
Chapter three planned for friday or saturday
gah i'm so sorry, it'll be a bit before chapter three, I have a lot of school piling up
442687understandable we'll see what you come up with hmm you'll get it out once school ends.
I hope so, calc and social are hammering me this semester =/
I have some of three done, i'll try to fit it in somewhere this week