Thanks to a misunderstanding caused by Dash's birthiversary party, Equestria is on the brink of war. Now it's up to Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich to throw the most epic party ever to stop the pending conflict.
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- Member Since 23rd Oct, 2012
- offline last seen 13 hours ago
AlwaysDressesInStyle
No way of knowing, where we'll be going, our adventures never end.
AlwaysDressesInStyle
Joined 23rd Oct, 2012 ·
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Nice story!
The parts about griffin chocolate and cheese were interesting. 
Storyline-wise, however: Dangit, party planners!
Whose "brilliant" idea was it to have a fireworks display go off on top of a volcano anyway?! 
Edit: Thumbed-up too, just now. (9 1/2 hours later)
Very fun story. The idea of bringing in two extra sets of protagonist/foil pairs was fun, although I feel that they were underused. You could probably have elaborated a bit on them.
Likewise, Cheese Sandwich was rather downplayed. He's basically a male Pinkie - he should have goofed off as much as her, not try to act sane and sensible. Surprise and Minty seemed better choices for that role.
Vinyl's appearance was rather sudden - you could easily have afforded a scene where they nab her. I have this fun idea of them barging in during a performance and talking her into dropping everything and coming along because defusing a political snafu with a massive party is just that awesome.
Lastly, a lot of the dialogue was confusing because it's hard or even impossible sometimes to tell who's speaking. The scene where they discuss who's which A-Team member is a particularly glaring case.
Other than that, absolutely loved it.
The only thing I have to say is that this needs an adventure tag.
Upvoted and faved.
3925399
First of all, thank you. I appreciate helpful critical feedback and I agree with everything you said. I wasn't overly happy with the end result of this one myself, mainly because of your first point - Cheese Sandwich is not used to his full potential.
I was so looking forward to a completely over-the-top random comedy starring these two (and Minty and Surprise) and it just failed to materialize. Instead of playing off one another as anticipated Pinkie and Surprise upstaged Minty and especially Cheese.
I think I need to revisit this one and tweak it a bit. You've given me some food for thought on how to fix this and I thank you!
3926952
Done! Thank you and glad you enjoyed!
3927238
You're welcome.
3927237 I'm very happy to have been of assistance.
As a general rule, you could do well to flesh things out. Add more scenes. Have the A-Team goof off for no apparent reason, or break out in song, or pretend that they're performing "Oregon Trail", or something other nonsensical. Have Dash and Dust compete for fun on the way over - even if they've called a truce, they're competitive. How does Trixie feel about getting dragged into this? On one hand, she'd be giddy that the Princess thinks so highly of her abilities, but she might be ambivalent about having to work with her former rival.
Also, you should show more of the griffons. How do they feel about this peace offering, when they mistook a simple party cannon for a weapon of war? Are they a bunch of sticks-in-the-mud throughout, or will they be enraptured by the siren song of the party? Are there griffons who outright oppose the bid for peace? Will the A-Team break a cultural taboo and end up having to solve another tricky situation as well?
Hmm. I hope this didn't come across as me dictating what I want you to write. These are just ideas that I had now, and I hope it might help give you inspiration.
Good luck! I look forward to the result.
3927419
Not at all! You're providing examples which makes your insight clearer. And yes, I will definitely use some of those scenes when I revise this.
That said, it'll probably be a few months before I get back to this one - I want to do as many of the EqD writing challenges as possible (I've been enjoying these because they give me an opportunity to grow as a writer - they're short enough that I can experiment with different genres and/or characters I'm not used to writing for) and I have a multi-parter I'm close to wrapping up.
On a side note, I have another fic that's been complete since October that I'm not happy enough with to publish. I think it's lacking something but I don't know what exactly. If you'd like to give it a look, send me a PM and I'll get the link & password to you.
Thanks again for all the help!
Yeah, this could definitely use more Pinkie/Cheese banter. Like the bit at the trial about secrets, that was a good bit. They should be bouncing jokes off each other all the time.
3927238 So I'm not the only one who has watched all of the generations?! You know that phrase? Have you seen Runaway Rainbow? That from a previous generation! (sorry, I'm just excited.)
6052720
Yes, I've watched (and am a fan of) all the generations of MLP. I even started a group dedicated to G1, MLP Tales, and G3: http://www.fimfiction.net/group/197175/friends-of-all-generations/
I definitely have seen (and like) Runaway Rainbow. It's my second favorite of the G3 specials (behind A Very Minty Christmas). I've actually come to like G3 more than FIM.