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DON'T READ THE COMMENTS BEFORE READING THIS AS THEY CONTAIN SPOILERS
Diamond Tiara has been the worst kind of pony to the CMCs, and after an event nopony has expected or wanted, she realizes that. All she wants to do is make amends, but can she truly be accepted after so many years of her putting them down, and after her causing the passing of a good friend?
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When one really gets to know a bully, they would be surprised to see how many redeeming qualities they truly have.
3911077
While true, what we've seen from the show is "Bratty bratty want it all" stereotype who'll do a lot of cruel things to get to the top
3911093
Then, you do see a smidgen of gratitude towards Pinkie Pie, in Pinkie Pride. I think there might be more background to her story in cannon, something simple so kids can understand it though.
I liked this story quite a bit, due to personal experiences, it did get some emotion from me.
3911099
Really? I have yet to see Pinkie Pride so I wouldn't know. But really?
3911105
Really, it's quite comical in some ways. I'll be honest though, I was not expecting that. Do you want a link to the latest episode?
3911105
Found this short clip though.
3911118
Well, that was unexpected.
So sad. And now it looks like Silver Spoon may be feeling the same way. I just hope she doesn't commit suicide as well.
3911118 D.T. has a really good singing voice.
3911287
I dont plan on making a sequel yet so, I dunno if she will
Well...
I think you had a good idea here, but the execution of it seems a bit wanting, I'm afraid.
First off, it's far too short; there's barely any time to get any emotional investment in the characters or situations, and then *bang*, story's over. 1,000 words is a minimum, love, not a goal. This really needed to be four or five thousand words, at least, to give the concept some room to breathe and to really get down into Diamond's state of mind and her back-story. Too much of it is just told -- and indeed, barely even hinted at -- rather than being shown.
Second: dialogue. Diamond Tiara's (and to a lesser extent, Silver Spoon's, though she doesn't get as many lines) is far too stilted, and not at all natural for a child her age. Grade-school kids just don't say things like "I see now how horrible my methods were" or "sew the gaping hole I must've left in your hearts." That's what's called "purple prose"; it's excessively flowery and overdone, and makes her come off as just an actor reciting lines from a play rather than a living, breathing, three-dimensional character of her own.
It's an okay start, but... it needed more. Sorry.
Its good, it is short, but the song, and having met MJ personally, and listening to this song while reading this story.... It made me tear up... Like the loss of a pet, not nearly as much as snowdrop of my little dashie.... but not simple tears..... It was good, but like said below.. Need more emotional qualities
Why is this getting put into so many groups?
you...you did a good job...
3911448
Yea, it's more of a scene than a story. Quite frankly, I just wanted to test my luck with a one shot. While I'm not the greatest author out there (not by a long shot) I'll take your words into mind, and fix up what I can should I do this again
I hope Apple bloom feels happy that she no longer has to see Diamond Tiara's face ever again. I hope she feels that justice has been done. I really hope she's happy now. I hope she is glad that the bully that caused Scootaloo to commit suicide, killed herself out of guilt and despair.
3911941
Shhhhh, we don't talk about guilty pleasures here, not yet.
3911946 What is that suppose to mean? Please explain your statement.
3911950
Applebloom's secret joys of what doth happened
3911343 Perhaps even better then Sweetie Belle.
I prefer the original Micheal Jackson vocals.
Far as the story goes, it seemed promising despite the usual. DT wants forgiveness, distraught because all hate her, lost her best friend(normally stated as her *only* friend), asks for forgiveness and A) Gets it and eventually mends ways with the CMC or B) Lost everything must end life.
Now, there is nothing to say that formula can't work, because a few have nearly pulled it off perfectly before (serious copout WD... SERIOUS COPOUT!) *cough* but the pacing here was express way level fast, like you couldn't see another car for miles so don't hold back on the gas type of fast.
DT is sad because—wait, WHAT?! She caused Scootaloo to KILL HERSELF? Well, dang. Well, maybe we'll find out later...
"DAMNIT DT you WENT TOO FAR! You don't make fun of ponies for NOT HAVING PARENTS!"
*slap*
"Don't call me friend anymore"
Silver Spoon now feels /the same sadness that drove Diamond Tiara to suicide/. Permanent cliffhanger.
Hmm, a cliffhanger in a fic where two ponies killed themselves over hanging. How poetic.
I don't know, pre-S4 she looked like she had potential for a fair amount of it. And with latest episode, it only reaffirms that possibility despite the obvious "Still can't let her be seen in a too good light or we have to make new antagonists" vibes the song had. Much of it trying to retcon s1 stuff like DT willingly inviting ponies over to her amazing party despite not having to.
But far as this story goes, it's full of potential. We could of gotten it started off with Scootaloo standing on the swing, enjoying Celestia's beautiful sunset, then hear something vague from her to be explained later or even no talking at all and just jumping off to end up hanging herself as all the reader would see is the small desciption of a chain or noose tightening around her neck before it switches to DT's perspective after reading that News Paper article that tells us Scoots actually killed herself. Hell, you don't even need a description of her jumping off that swing set since the News Paper would tell us how she died.
Would of been more tragic if you found out she wanted to live but accidentally slipped and couldn't fly up to take off the now too tight to breath noose and her tiring wings that can't lift her or hold her up much longer.
Then we could have DT being accused by AB for Scoots death, other ponies over hearing the accusation and a possible reason why Scoots would do that.
Do something where DT begins to get slowly ostracized and hated on by her peers and mother as rumors/news spreads. Silver Spoon wracked with guilt knowing she helped cause the death of a fellow classmate.
Build up to how much more worst things for DT was getting despite her own guilt KNOWING she caused it until we get the inevitable breakup of the friendship she and Spoon had, maybe Silver thought to blame it all on DT, it was HER idea, SHE didn't know any better, why should she take the blame of being a part of something that wasn't thought up by her? Give Silver some buildup.
All in all, I may as well right my own fiction most must be saying by now, but when I say this fic has/had potential, I meant it.
The Dialogue though, DT's parts anyways, were too forced. Is that how YOU would think or speak if YOU caused someone to commit suicide even though it was never your intention or thought it could ever happen? Not even hearing potentially of any such thing ever occurring before mind you. Scootaloo's death should of meant something. But in the end, despite how beautiful that hanging herself on the sing BESIDE the one Scoots died over, would be... you really didn't put much effort into telling a story beyond X did Y and Y did Z /because reasons/.
Might seem a bit harsh, but I actually liked the story till I learned it was "Complete" tag on it. I'm sorry you won't be fleshing this out or giving it a proper continuation of the aftereffects this new revelation that now puts AB and SB on the emotional side of things to know THEY could of prevented another death, maybe AB was happy, maybe SB would find that disgusting and make AB feel like crap. MAYBE Silver Spoon would meet up with SB and those two with AB would get together and talk about their loss and how they feel about it all, go into the final moments before the suicide for Scoots maybe. Give her a chapter through her perspective to tie us back to Chapter 1's intro that wasn't added of what led to her making the headlines.
I guess, if you don't care for the characters you write, there's no helping this. But you really could of done better than this if you had written with an open mind. Add some of what YOU would think or do in DT's situation on a more realistic level at the very least.
For what its worth, it's nice as far as fitting thousands of words into a 1k fic. But honestly these stories are why I hardly read many SAD or TRAGEDY fics that include the Diamond Tiara tag on them, most are either very contrived or very little thought or effort put into them despite some actually having a great idea to them. I'm more upset that you just wrote to the minimum and slapped it onto fimfic than any of the more obvious faults.
TL;DR: Put a little more effort into your stories beyond the minimum. This could of been amazing.
3912085
Well, those story ideas are quite marvelous. Perhaps I will do a rewrite in the future.
As for your talk about it's lack of good pacing, I did kinda rush through this one. My friend said I couldn't just sit down, be given a story idea, and write without having any ideas as to the plot. Taking that challenge backfired more than earned me a free slap.
The author comment bothered me a tad. She really doesn't have any such qualities on the show and probably will not unless they writers decide they want to stop using her and Silver Spoon as CMC foils. Therefore, if an author is going to look at Diamond Tiara as something more than that it's up to them to write those qualities and bring them out. If this was your goal and you couldn't find any then you might to go back and rethink your approach or make it clear that the reader is supposed to think she really doesn't have any such qualities. I've read quite a few DT redemptive fics precisely looking for what authors will do to give her those traits. No one has quite nailed it yet, though. Clean Slate is my active favorite.
I think Mix-tape is correct, but it's not just the dialogue that's awkward.
I've never had the misfortune is being around a child who is actively being beat like that, so the simile falls flat. Without having gone through the requisite experience, I have to kind of guess of what it would sound like. I understand what you are trying to get across, but is it really necessary to go into that much detail about how she is crying? I don't think this level of description about her crying is needed because it doesn't convey anything meaningful. Simply describing how she is crying doesn't really, for me, convey how hurt she is.
Like the physical beating a foal line, this doesn't really describe anything. You take a feeling that presumes the readers experienced and effectively tell them to feel that. It's a weak way to do description. You descriptions throughout the story are plagued by this problem.
I'm always glad when someone is willing to take DT and do something beyond what the show does, but for this type of story I think it'd be better to start from the beginning. That is, what does DT say (not just a general summary, don't simply tell us what it is, write the whole scene ). You also lose a lot when you go from Applebloom's refusal straight to a dead DT. I understand she is sad and all, but I'm not sure why she decides that's the answer so it's hard to feel anything.
It's a start, but it does need some work.
Thats exactly what the song is not about..... The song is ironic to MJ's death. The song is truly about changing yourself for the better, thru thick and thin, no matter if anyone accepts you as it or not. And if diamond tiara doesnt do that.... Well it is your story, but as people before me have said, suicide and forgiveness are hard to pull off together. I myself am recently getting over the loss of my best friends suicide, just because he thought everyone around him was an asshole. My sister did the same, she ended up drowning herself because our father was later found out to have been beating her. Suicide is not a thing to be taken lightly, but this is in fact a good idea, although it needs a lot of editing, then this will be a perfect story.
For those that think suicide is the way out.... Please don't:
Call this number, they will help you
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
3911941 No, just... no...
4047300 No what? Do you think Apple Bloom should be happy Diamond killed herself?
4047831 Wait... were you being sarcastic?
Well, this is awkward...
4047871
4047880 It's pretty hard to hear the tone of your voice through the internet, belive it or not.
3911941
That whole comment should've been in a spoiler tag thing.
4048126 I always thought that it was given that comments contained spoilers.
Oh well, sorry.
4048582 I know, it's okay
DEAR GOD THE NOTIFICATIONS
4048827 Here, have another one on me
Well damn,thanks for the feel but one thing. For some reason I've always took Filthy Rich as a bad guy,but it's mainly because of this guy: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Hero541
4268742
There's something called hyperlinks bruh, use them.
"but can she truly be accepted after so many years of her putting them down"
MAN FUCK DAT SHIT!
AINT NO ONE FORGIVIN YO SORRY PINK ASS!
then silver spoon commits suicide, then ab for not forgiving them, then sweetie belle, then the swings get removed and a bunch of kids got transferred.
Naw I'm just kidding. Great story! It really gave me the feels!
4338128
But if the swings get removed then people will find a way to use the slide for their deaths
4338795 Then remove the slide! (And how would they even use the slide like that??)
4339356
rope at the top and go down i dunno
4339373 Well then ban ropes too
Okay wow...Just... wow!
Is there another work you based this off of where Scootaloo actually does commit suicide?
4704566
No... I actually haven't thought of that. Maybe I should write it
It feels really way to sudden. I my opinion I'd keep this story up and try to flesh out a multi-chapter version that better explores the psyche of those affected by Scootaloo's death. From the teasing (so we get an idea of Diamond's and Silver's characters) to the first death, to Diamond Tiera seeking redemption and not recieving it.
4329640 So you don't believe in redemption? You think Apple Bloom should feel no type of remorse?
Why? I like it just the way it is.
5526474
Mainly because I felt it was a bit too short. If I were to do the rewrite, I'd keep the plot the same, but add some more details and flesh out a plot hole or two, such as a more detailed explanation of Scootaloo's suicide and why she did it.