Shayden
Joined 16th Jul, 2013 ·
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This was rather entertaining!
I enjoyed reading it!
Hope to see more from you in the future!
First, you really need to read your opening paragraphs. They're pretty dull and could use some punching up. Try to build up the mystery of what he's doing, make the reader think "what's going on?" You've got a premise, now grab me with it in your opening, don't just waste time describing your character. Why should I care when I don't know him at all? Build up the story, THEN give me the details.
Your use of commas is bad. You're either adding too many or not putting them where they should be. Classic bit of advice, read through the sentences and make note of where the natural break in the flow is.
Try to limit your use of adverbs. They're lazy writing most of the time.
You know what, the best advice I can give is just read through your own story. You probably have a good grasp of grammar. If not then get an editor.
Really quick, this "?!" is not grammatically correct. It's either "?" or "!". If the sentence doesn't reflect the character in an exasperated state, rewrite it or add some extra bit to highlight that fact. Also "hehe" is not a word, write out that he laughed. Also the ellipses. Just no. Stop it. They are not your friend. Capitalize "I'm" and "I'll".
Finally, the biggest thing that needs to be said here. Ever heard of show don't tell? Well a lot of your descriptions are very flat. I feel like you're just describing everything to me, rather than painting a picture in my mind. The only way to really fix this is with practice. Don't just say what's happening, describe it. Give me a sense of what's happening and put me into the world you're creating. Don't just say,
Does that make sense?
Your premise has promise (though I assume similar stories to this are common here), but it's let down by lack of experience. You've got promise, but use this as a lesson.
One final thought, why is it all in bold?
3874129 Your critique of this story has compelled me to do the same.
And so I shall.
(Now directed at Shayden.)
Sir Thursday is correct on "Show Not Tell."
For example.
You explain that he is taking in the view, but what is it exactly that he's taking in. Is there a smell in the air? Maybe a cool summer breeze is floating softly through the air, or the smell of some bakery drifting past his nose.
You say he is walking through Ponyville, what are the denizens of the town doing? Maybe he sees a foal running around with his friends, or a young couple sitting silently on a park bench, blushing softly as they shyly scoot closer to one another.
Maybe he spots Applejack selling apples from her cart in the market, or Rainbow Dash zipping through the air to clear the summer clouds, or maybe even the Cutie Mark Crusaders attempting to get their cutie marks in some farfetched or impossible way, shaking his head with a smirk and leaving them to their antics.
All these details and such, are things that make a story more...enticing to read, you want to be able to describe the scenery and allow the reader to clearly and easily picture the scene and surroundings of your character.
Example.
Could be turned into something like.
"As Chroma trotted down the dirt road, he noticed how busy Ponyville seemed, wheeled market stalls and carts dotted the area here and there, colorful and bold cloth awnings shading the ponies occupying the stalls from the hot rays of the summer sun."
Try to be a bit more descriptive, and keep on writing!
Just be sure to go back and read over your work before submitting it, you show promise as a writer, you really do! Just keep working at it, these things take practice!
Also, making the story not in all bold Is a good idea.
3874129 It was all in bold because of an error, just fixed that. And thanks for the tips everyone! much better than what people said about my friend's story, he asked for constructive criticism, and he got hate mostly. I also might do more short stories like this in the future, and as for a big multi-chapter project there is also a possibility of one of those centered around Shayden. I shall try my best in those keeping y'all's tips in mind. Thanks again!