The Greatest Show of Kindness
Chapter Twelve: Comfort (Teen-Rated)
“…A-And… and… when I woke up, I-I w-was here… She… killed my mama!” Bumble cried loudly, shoving his head into Fluttershy’s chest.
Fluttershy couldn’t believe the story she had just heard. Her mouth hung wide open, her eyes staring into the distance. It brought back horrible memories of her own, and tears flowed sullenly from her eyes. She pulled him in closer than she ever had before, nuzzling him and kissing his forehead.
“B-Bumble, I had no idea! I-I’m so sorry! I can’t believe that monster would do something so horrible to you!” Fluttershy sympathized.
For many minutes, the two sat there on the bed in a deep hug. She moved her mane so that it was covering his body, like a blanket that a loving mother puts over her child during a frightening storm.
“F-Fluttershy?” he asked, pulling his head out of her chest.
“Y-Yes, sweetheart?” she tenderly responded.
“D-Do you think that I d-did anything wrong? Or my mama?” he questioned. Fluttershy put a confused look on her face.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you think one of us did anything that made… that happen? Do you think it was our fault?” he clarified.
“Of course not, sweetie! Why would you think that it was one of your faults?”
“Because, i-if we didn’t ever try to sneak away from the invasion, m-my mama wouldn’t be… be…” Bumble started, but choked up.
“Bumble, that didn’t have anything to do with it!” Fluttershy reassured. “If anything, that just showed how big sweethearts you and your mother were. You didn’t want to and were scared to hurt anypony, so you befriended them instead. You should never blame yourself for something like that for wanting to not hurt anypony,” she explained.
At that moment, in Fluttershy’s head, a memory played faintly. She remembered a knife in one of her front hooves, with her trembling in a corner. There was a bloodied body behind a figure that stood above her. She saw it coming in closer. Even though there was a knife in her hoof, she couldn’t lunge it forward to protect herself. She was crying, but she couldn’t scream out for help.
The figure above her lunged itself down into her, causing her to cry out weakly. She was powerless to do anything against her attacker except accept what was coming to her. She couldn’t even breathe.
After the figure finished up, it got up and left her cloudy house. She sat there for a near eternity to her, crying to herself about what she could’ve done wrong that led her to these terrible events. She just felt so dirty, like mud in her fur, leaves in her mane. Tears flowed from her eyes until she passed out unconscious.
Back in the current world, Fluttershy was rocking back and forth, crying uncontrollably with Bumble in her grasp. Bumble could hear her sobs. He understood why she would be crying from his story, but he didn’t expect this much.
“F-Fluttershy? Are y-you okay?” he said, shuttering between his own sobs.
“H-H-Huh? Oh, I’m sorry… I just had a bad memory of my own,” she explained, wiping her eyes with one of her hooves.
“Oh… what happened?” he questioned, cocking his head.
“Well, I’m not sure if you’re old enough to understand it, and it’s a little bit of an adult topic, but… I… I was…” she choked. “I was raped.”
“You… were raped?” Bumble said in complete disbelief. “That’s… horrible! How could someone do that to someone as sweet and kind as you!?” he yelled, anger coming into him.
“You know what that is?” she asked, surprised.
“Of course! It’s one of the first things that we learn about in school, because it happens so often in the hive. But anyways, tell me about what happened!”
“Well, I h-had just returned home from another day of flight school, and my daddy had greeted me and kissed me and asked me how my day went. The day itself had gone fine, and I told him so. I had another run-in with my bullies, but a friend of mine, Rainbow Dash, chased them away.”
“So, after that, I did my homework like I did every day, which usually consisted of just practicing flying, as well as other basic skills such as math or writing. After this, I would usually take a nap, because I was tired from the day. So, I did.”
“The next thing I remember is a loud yell coming from my living room, and I got up and slowly opened my door. Part of our normal training for flight, even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with flying, is to learn to defend ourselves and protect ourselves if we feel that we really needed.”
“So, I went into my kitchen and smashed open the lock on the box that our sharper knives were held in. I pulled out the sharpest knife we had, and it was a really sharp knife. It could cut through a small block of wood if you went straight down on it. Then, I crouched and slowly looked around the doorway that went into our kitchen.”
“There was nopony there, so I very quietly entered the room. I had my knife ready at hoof, and the next thing that I saw horrified me.”
“I s-saw…”
Fluttershy sniffled, looked down towards her bed. She clenched her teeth and eyes, starting to clutch Bumble a little tighter. He squeaked, and she loosened her grip on him a little. He lowered himself to lay on his side. He could feel the sadness emanating from her body, like rock-gray clouds pouring ice-cold raindrops while you sit under them, crying so much that you can’t distinguish tears from rain.
“I-I saw m-my daddy l-laying on the ground, not moving o-or breathing at all. There was b-blood coming out of his m-mouth and nose, and his cheek had a bruise on it. There was a bigger colt that I recognized f-from my flight school standing over him, and he had blood all over his f-fore hooves. He was in the senior class, almost eight years older than I was.”
“W-When I saw this, I locked up. I couldn’t m-move or do anything but stand there in the h-horror that I was feeling. I was holding the knife, but I couldn’t throw it or swing it. I wasn’t a-a-able to do anything b-but tremble.”
“I c-could tell he had seen me by this point, because he was staring at me. I can remember those terrible, horrid eyes, staring, watching, preying, stalking me. They were so cold, so barren, but deep inside, I saw it - that monstrous, deadly soul.”
“The last thing I can remember is him c-coming closer. He kn-knocked my knife away from me, and towered over me, pushing me onto my back and into a corner. And then… and then…”
“Fluttershy, I… I’m so sorry. You don’t need to go on. I-I understand,” Bumble said, comfortably nuzzling his head up underneath her chin, like a cat. She wrapped her hooves around him. Right then, he was her security blanket.
“Thank you, Bumble, f-for listening to me. I never felt that I could tell anypony because I thought that they would judge me for it. It just feels so relieving that I could tell my story to someone, even if it was a changeling,” she sighed. Suddenly, Bumble found himself growling, which Fluttershy found unusual; it took her off guard. “Bumble?”
“How dare he do something like that to you!? You were powerless to do anything, and he just let himself go and do that! I hope that guy gets to rot in a dungeon!” he growled, baring his fangs.
“Sweetie, please, calm yourself. He did get caught and put in jail. After I woke up, which was in a hospital, I was told about everything that happened, and I was asked if I wanted to go before the royal court to testify. So, I did, and he was found guilty and sentenced to life in Tartarus for... murder and...”
“Good riddance!”
“Yes, he got the justice that he deserved. It’s just too bad that you’ll never get that real sense of closure that you really deserve.”
“Well, it’s okay, mama. At least now I’m away from Queen Chrysalis.”
Fluttershy noticed something about that first sentence he had said.
“Mama?” she asked.
“Huh?”
‘You called me ‘mama,’” she explained.
“Oh, well… You’re a lot like my mama, and you sound a little like her, too…” he trailed.
“I do?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
For a moment, they sat there on the bed, both unsure of how to continue.
“Fluttershy?” he broke the silence.
“Yes, Bumble?” she responded.
“…Will you be my mama?” he asked, much to Fluttershy’s surprise.
“Will I be your mama?” she repeated in shock.
“Yeah… I've been living here for a few months now, and every single day, even if I was angry or rude towards you, you gave me love and the energy I needed to get through the days. You’re nice, loving, caring – everything that my mama was before…” he explained
“Bumble…” he sighed, looking down at his face. It almost looked sad.
“Please, Fluttershy?” he begged, pushing his head up into Fluttershy’s chest.
“…Of course, sweetie. Of course, I’ll be your mama!”
At that moment, Bumble had the sweetest feeling inside. It was the biggest influx of love he’d felt in nearly his entire life, and it filled all of his senses. He could smell the scent of the sweetest roses, and the sound of his mother’s nicest, most loving voice filled his ears. He could’ve even sworn that he could see her smiling face.
Tartarus? Thats too easy. GIVE HOM TO US
But really, a Awesome chapter and I hope Fluttershys friends will help her.
4373955 I'm glad you liked it!
Poor bumble and fluttershy...
I guess flutter won't be returning then...
(Picks up compound bow and goes to find chrysalis.)
Keep up the good work!
4374031 Glad you liked!
Great chapter! I had a feeling Fluttershys sad secret was upsetting but rape was far worse than I thought. At least the tables were turned and bumble was able to comfort her this time around. The whole would u be my mama scene was heart warming. I knew bumble was gonna ask this eventually. Glad I was right!
4374078 Yeah, I'm glad it came out all right in the end.
4374031 Hey, you almost forgot the lava-tipped tri-headed bolts for that crossbow!
4373955 My hive COULD use another husk....
Now all we h a very to do is wait for Twilight to stumble in, discover Bumble, and immediately persecute him while trying to "cure" Fluttershy of his obvious mind control.
4375625 no
Nope the feel are to strong to do that
Why did you use red to colour thus paragraph?
To allow us to skip them?
4377679 No, just for the warning that that's where those paragraphs were.
4376632 But don't you see! It is because the feels are so strong it must!
WARNING: Long read
Now that I have fully read all that has been made thus far, I will give you my humble opinion on the story, as of so far, overall. Since this is going to go over ten chapters, this update-review will be longer than what I usually type. After this, I'll be providing much shorter comments.
First thing to bring off will be my first impression on the structure/writing style for one instance where Bumble was having his first nightmare. I like the different font, which does say that it's a flashback/dream sequence, but the addition of "The dream ended there." was just a tad too... abrupt. Not that he was suddenly waking up from a nightmare, but abrupt in terms of going from the dream sequence immediately out of it. Perhaps there would be a little extra scene that would help guide the reader along the way, or an exclusion of the ending text to smooth out the transition. Here's an example that I'm thinking of:
"
"Her face flashed redly, knocking any sense of trust and hope out of his mind as a sorrowful power invaded his mind, destroying any sense of hope he had."
[/hr]
Fluttershy could hear a loud scream echoing in the room above her.
"
This would, possibly, add a little more tension to the reader as they then have the same or near amount of anxiety towards Bumble as he makes his yell. Now that we have that one small detail out of the way, I would only like to make one more, and decently important, criticism. That criticism is pointed towards the dialogues of multiple characters talking to each other. There appears, a few times, where a few morphing of a character's dialogue would help understand the orientation of who is doing what.
"
Rolling out of the small, stony mattress, she opened the door. To her surprise, there was a teary-eyed, sniffling Chryssy.
“F-Flutter?” she solemnly asked, looking into her eyes.
“Chryssy? Are you okay, dear?” she questioned, pulling Chryssy into a warm hug. Chryssy began to cry, putting her head against Flutter’s shoulder. “Oh, it’s okay. It’s okay…”
Rubbing her mane softly, she shooshed Chryssy, reassuring that everything would be okay.
"
There is a bit of confused dialogue structure here where "she" could be accidentally mixed between Flutter and Chryssy. Here is an example of what I'm thinking of:
"
Rolling out of the small, stony mattress, she opened the door. To her surprise, there was a teary-eyed, sniffling Chryssy.
“F-Flutter?” Chryssy asked, solemnly, looking into her eyes.
“Chryssy? Are you okay, dear?” Flutter questioned, pulling Chryssy into a warm hug. Chryssy began to cry, putting her head against Flutter’s shoulder. “Oh, it’s okay. It’s okay…”
Rubbing Chryssy's mane softly, she shushed her, reassuring that everything would be okay.
"
A few touches and it'll help prevent a little confusion there. Now that I have those two things out of the way, I will give you what I did like about the story.
First things up is that the situation in which Fluttershy is in makes a fair foundation for conflict to arise in, but the addition of a backstory for Bumble, along with possible characters who could make an influence in the future, makes for a stronger emotional bond with Bumble as a character. After reading through for the first time, I was feeling sympathy towards Bumble along with grief toward's his mother's death. That's good.
A connection is starting to form between the two, and the thoughts of what may happen down the road turns wonder into curiosity. So far, so good. Keep up the good work.
4380287 I thoroughly appreciate the criticism! And, I'm glad you're enjoying the story thus far!
4385784 Such is the beauty of writing - being able to use words that you wouldn't think could be used in one way and taking the meaning and spinning it.
Hnnngh... my feels.
"Of course! It's one of the first things we learn about in school, because it happens so often in the hive."
Pedoman, Pedoman does whatever a pedo will do
Will he rape
Fluttershy
Yes he will
da da da da da da da da
Pedoman! Dah!
(Sorry, had to bring it up )
Hmm, the rape point was probably unnecessary...
I kinda think the rape parts were, well, very unneeded. Considering this is rated "everyone", that is inappropriate.
I... I got nuthin. The idea that the colt kill her dad then just decided, oh, he has a daughter, I think I'll rape her, since I just can infuriates me to no end
He deserved Tartarus. He can have Tirek for company, the bastard
Bumble gets a new mommy
4583507 This chapter is denoted as "Teen-Rated". Check the author's notes for this chapter.
Punishment for rape: Thrown into flippin' Hades?! I guess Celestia does whatever she can to keep that TV-Y rating.
HOW DARE THAT @#$%^## RAPE HER. HE DESERVED to be in Tartarus for what he did to her.
4881317 ....Fluttershy was Raped. as a CHILD....
...Tartarus is too good for that little shit. *dials old fashion telephone* HEY! P.H! YOU GOT A NEW RESIDENT FOR SILENT HILL!!!
*metal groaning noises*
OF COURSE YOU CAN KILL HIM!!! MAKE SURE HE GETS SCARED INTO INSANITY FIRST!! AND MAKE IT SLOW!!! *puts phone down on receiver*
there, justice hath been delivered.
5765989 oh and before he dies he needs a visit from alucard and the darkness
4374031 (goes super sayian seven to help)