This is the Only Chapter
Twilight ran around her house as she tried to find her doll, Smarty Pants. I need to find Smarty Pants! He's somewhere in here! Twilight ran everywhere, trying to find find her doll. She ran down the stairs and bumped into her brother, Shining Armor and Cadence, her foalsitter. "Sorry!" Twilight called out to them.
Twilight ran off into another room. "Man, she's acting like she's on coffee! I wonder what would happen if she had coffee right now?" Cadence asked herself as she put a hoof up to her chin. Shining Armor thought of something to answer that question. He ran off without a word.
Twilight still ran about trying to retrace her steps until Shining Armor came up to her, his horn aglow. "Hey! How are you my BBBFF?" Twilight asked in a rush of words. "Oh I'm-" Shining Armor was about to say before his little sister cut him off.
"That's great! Can you help me find Smarty Pants? I need to find him and I can't find him!" Twilight said in another rush. Shining Armor could have sworn his sister was already on coffee. She was jumping up and down, looking around everywhere like she was searching for the doll while trying to stand still in one spot. It had to be killing her not to move around to find the doll.
Shining Armor chuckled at the sight. "Well I can't help you," Shining started and immediately Twilight rushed off somewhere else. "but I can give you something to help you find her!" He yelled. She zoomed back with a huge grin plastered on her face.
"Really?!? Give it! Give it! Uh.. Please!" Twilight bounced up and down. "Alright. Ta-da! It's coffee! Drink it and you can find your doll in no time! I guarantee it!" Shining Armor said with a wink and a smile, placing the cup of coffee in front of her.
She looked at it and frowned. "Are you sure?" Twilight asked. "Uh-oh. The coffee pony did say it was the most caffeinated one there was. I hope he was right!" Shining thought to himself. "Uh... It is. Trust me, Twilight! I think you'll like this coffee!" Shining Armor nudged Twilight towards the coffee.
She looked at it, then back at Shining Armor, who wore a huge smile, then at the small cup of coffee. She picked up the coffee and took a sip. Sugar and sweetness filled her mouth. She went into her mind thinking of swimming in the dark, rich, sugary goodness. It tasted so good!
She came back into reality only to see Cadence and Shining Armor standing there looking at her with concern. "Twilight? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Cadence waved her hoof in front of Twilight's eyes. Twilight blinked a bit before zooming off in a rush of all sorts of purple. "You will never catch me! I will find Smarty Pants! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!" Twilight shouted over her shoulders.
Cadence and Shining sat there in awe as she rushed off. Papers and things were flying everywhere from her speed. "One word to describe that. Awesome. Just awesome." Shining Armor sat there with his mouth hanging wide open.
Cadence sat there in disbelief. Twilight was even more energetic. She thought it wasn't possible. Twilight could hurt herself and Shining Armor sat there laughing at that. He was so immature that she had to give him a piece of er mind.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME! YOUR SISTER JUST RAN OFF WITH SO MUCH ENERGY THAT SHE COULD HURT HERSELF! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SHINING ARMOR! YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE!" Cadence yelled at him. He just sat there with his mouth hanging open. He didn't move from his spot. Cadence picked up the coffee cup.
She read it. It said: Don't drink if hyper. Especially unicorns that are young. "Well that's really specific." Cadence thought to herself. She pushed Shining Armor over to knock him out of the shock.
He looked at her like she did something wrong. "What was that for?" Shining asked, rubbing his muzzle. "I'll explain later! We have to save your sister!" Cadence shouted running after Twilight, who was causing mass destruction everywhere. They looked at each other like they were fighting something dangerous. They galloped off to find her.
They finally found Twilight, who found her doll, Smarty Pants. She hugged the doll and opened her eyes showing a glowing white. "Duck!" Cadence yelled. Twilight's body glowed and floated up in the air. She was covered in white magic, which shot out white lightning bolts. The lightning bolts turned anything it hit into peaches.
Celestia came out of nowhere and turned everypony into bananas. After five minutes she turned them back into ponies. Twilight rubbed her head. "Why is everything rainbows?" she muttered. Shining Armor rushed over to her and hugged her. "You are NOT going to have anymore coffee, ever again." Shining Armor ordered. "But you gave her the coffee." Cadence replied to his strict order.
"So that means, Twilight, no coffee forever. Shining Armor, no cake for a month." Princess Celestia ordered. Then they all walked home like nothing ever happened.
"And that's why Twilight isn't allowed to have coffee." Spike ended the story. He started drinking his huge cup of coffee with sugar gems. "So basically, Twilight is to hyper for it?" Fluttershy aske. "Yep." Spike took another sip. "It's like me when I have coffee too! I'm so glad I'm not the only pony banned from drinking that stuff!" Pinkie Pie said in a rush of words. "I hope that never happens while we're at a sleepover. Right Rarity?" Applejack asked. "Here here." she replied.
"Where's Pinkie?" Rainbow Dash asked them. "COFFEE PARTY!" Pinkie Pie shouted out. She had Twilight by her side drinking something. Once she finished, the librarian ran around in a purple flash all over the library. Pinkie took a sip and did the same thing.
"I'll get the net." Fluttershy flew off. "I'll write a letter to Celestia." Spike walked off to find a piece of parchment. Here we go again...
THE END
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Remember to indent when a new character starts talking.
Otherwise, pretty good plot and shot at humor! :D
3873320 Thanks! And I know. I'm going to look for an editor.
3873325 Yeah, you should probably look for an editor! Heh. Heh.
That was my attempt at saying "LET ME BE YOUR EDITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" without saying "LET ME BE YOUR EDITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This Mega Major Hilarious! LOL!!!!
3873559 Glad ya like it!
3873584 you're welcome. :)
BANANAS?!
3873799 Yes. watch some celestia fan based videos.
3873941 Have you seen the 'I'm a Banana' one?
3874087 yes
A few minor notes before I really start harping.
First, author's notes are generally placed at the end of a chapter. This isn't a rule or anything, but it's generally considered proper.
Second, Acriimony is correct in pointing out your run-on paragraphs, but you need not actually indent them as long as they are separated in some form. A lot of people think that indenting paragraphs is some grammar rule, but it's original purpose was to differentiate paragraphs that lacked 'empty lines'. This is a holdover from physical print, where ink and paper space were at a premium. Early writings done on papyrus and tablets often went so far as to neglect spaces between words for this same reason.
In digital text, adding line returns between paragraphs is mostly standard at this point, so you should probably stick to that. Whether or not you indent in addition to this is personal preference. Subjectively, I'd say that text with larger paragraphs is nicer looking with indentation, while text that has a large number of very short paragraphs or lengths of dialogue with one line speech can look broken and irregular with indentation. The most important thing, however, is to just remain consistent in what formatting you use.
Your use of all caps text is annoying. It isn't technically wrong to use all caps for emphasis, but it's typically used rarely and only for short bursts of text. Long strings of it is just disruptive. The same can be said for your use of exclamation points. They're supposed to point out something significant, but they lose significance when you use so many of them.
Anyway, there's a number of reoccuring structural and syntactic problems. I'm not going to critique the entire story, but I'll point out the major reoccurring issues.
Your punctuation of speech is inconsistent and incorrect. I'm not detailing how it should be done, just read this.
Using italicized text to represent internal thought is good, but you waffle between using and not using quotation marks around it. Generally it's considered proper practice to use italics with no quote marks for internal monologue that isn't narration. Some people will probably complain about this no matter what you do, but the worst thing you can do is be inconsistent. Internal thought is another thing that is overused in this story. It isn't bad, but overusing it is generally a symptom of poor structure. The story repeatedly tells us 'Thoughts, Pony thought.' This is one of those situations where a clever author can sidestep a number of issues at once. Do not spend so much time telling us what a pony is thinking and instead describe what is happening.
Not
Rather
Similarly, your text is overwhelmingly Subject Verb Predicate. Pony verbs thing. Pony verbs thing. Pony verbs thing. People will often boil this problem down to 'show, don't tell.'
Twilight ran. Thoughts. Twilight ran. She ran. Twilight called out.
Twilight ran. Cadance asked herself. Shining Armor thought. He ran.
Twilight still ran. Twilight asked. Shining armor was about to say.
Having the same linear structure over and over makes the pacing of the text feel rushed and repetitive. You need to break up the structure and spend more time describing what's happening rather than stating it.
I've written enough, so I'll just recommend you read this link and attempt to edit the story yourself. This will be far more effective in improving your writing than just having an editor correct mistakes.
3874119 Thank you for pointing out my flaws. This is one of my first fan fics so thank you for pointing out my flaws.
This story has a hilarious premise Little Wood. I had a laugh at Twilight's already existing craziness being amplified by coffee. Cornjob gave a good selection of potentially useful edits but I'll say the story itself is still fun. Keep up the good work!
3882165 Thank you. This is just a warm up for a story I'm going to do. I want you to like it though, so I put a tad bit of thought into it... Hold on, I need coffee... wheres Pinkie when you need her!
First thing that came to mind when I saw the title:
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3889116 That's what came to my mind too!
OMG. This will mabye be the funniest story I ever have been reading
4342867 Thanks! This was actually my first story!
Interesting story. Relatively rough around the edges, but it was an amusing and upbeat read.
4568748 Thank you! This was my first story, so it wasn't the greatest! My writing has improved though!
Cornjob was right about the grammatical stuff, but it's still a very good story. Do you think you might be able to write about how they try to catch Pinkie and Twilight?
4612390 I might actually! I'm writing a few other stories that I want to finish this Summer, so I might start this Fall.
4612400 YAYYY!!
I hope there is another story about this how they try to catch Twilight and Pinkie that would be so funny
5337394 It's actually in the making! I'm glad you like the story!
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