Twilight drinks coffee that Shining Armor gave to her. Cadence disapproves of this.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 30th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 4th, 2017
Little Wood
Creativity is intelligence having fun!
Little Wood
Joined 30th Dec, 2013 ·
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Remember to indent when a new character starts talking.
Otherwise, pretty good plot and shot at humor! :D
3873320 Thanks! And I know. I'm going to look for an editor.
3873325 Yeah, you should probably look for an editor! Heh. Heh.
That was my attempt at saying "LET ME BE YOUR EDITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" without saying "LET ME BE YOUR EDITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This Mega Major Hilarious! LOL!!!!
3873559 Glad ya like it!
3873584 you're welcome. :)
BANANAS?!
3873799 Yes. watch some celestia fan based videos.
3873941 Have you seen the 'I'm a Banana' one?
3874087 yes
A few minor notes before I really start harping.
First, author's notes are generally placed at the end of a chapter. This isn't a rule or anything, but it's generally considered proper.
Second, Acriimony is correct in pointing out your run-on paragraphs, but you need not actually indent them as long as they are separated in some form. A lot of people think that indenting paragraphs is some grammar rule, but it's original purpose was to differentiate paragraphs that lacked 'empty lines'. This is a holdover from physical print, where ink and paper space were at a premium. Early writings done on papyrus and tablets often went so far as to neglect spaces between words for this same reason.
In digital text, adding line returns between paragraphs is mostly standard at this point, so you should probably stick to that. Whether or not you indent in addition to this is personal preference. Subjectively, I'd say that text with larger paragraphs is nicer looking with indentation, while text that has a large number of very short paragraphs or lengths of dialogue with one line speech can look broken and irregular with indentation. The most important thing, however, is to just remain consistent in what formatting you use.
Your use of all caps text is annoying. It isn't technically wrong to use all caps for emphasis, but it's typically used rarely and only for short bursts of text. Long strings of it is just disruptive. The same can be said for your use of exclamation points. They're supposed to point out something significant, but they lose significance when you use so many of them.
Anyway, there's a number of reoccuring structural and syntactic problems. I'm not going to critique the entire story, but I'll point out the major reoccurring issues.
Your punctuation of speech is inconsistent and incorrect. I'm not detailing how it should be done, just read this.
Using italicized text to represent internal thought is good, but you waffle between using and not using quotation marks around it. Generally it's considered proper practice to use italics with no quote marks for internal monologue that isn't narration. Some people will probably complain about this no matter what you do, but the worst thing you can do is be inconsistent. Internal thought is another thing that is overused in this story. It isn't bad, but overusing it is generally a symptom of poor structure. The story repeatedly tells us 'Thoughts, Pony thought.' This is one of those situations where a clever author can sidestep a number of issues at once. Do not spend so much time telling us what a pony is thinking and instead describe what is happening.
Not
Rather
Similarly, your text is overwhelmingly Subject Verb Predicate. Pony verbs thing. Pony verbs thing. Pony verbs thing. People will often boil this problem down to 'show, don't tell.'
Twilight ran. Thoughts. Twilight ran. She ran. Twilight called out.
Twilight ran. Cadance asked herself. Shining Armor thought. He ran.
Twilight still ran. Twilight asked. Shining armor was about to say.
Having the same linear structure over and over makes the pacing of the text feel rushed and repetitive. You need to break up the structure and spend more time describing what's happening rather than stating it.
I've written enough, so I'll just recommend you read this link and attempt to edit the story yourself. This will be far more effective in improving your writing than just having an editor correct mistakes.
3874119 Thank you for pointing out my flaws. This is one of my first fan fics so thank you for pointing out my flaws.
This story has a hilarious premise Little Wood. I had a laugh at Twilight's already existing craziness being amplified by coffee. Cornjob gave a good selection of potentially useful edits but I'll say the story itself is still fun. Keep up the good work!
3882165 Thank you. This is just a warm up for a story I'm going to do. I want you to like it though, so I put a tad bit of thought into it... Hold on, I need coffee... wheres Pinkie when you need her!
First thing that came to mind when I saw the title:
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3889116 That's what came to my mind too!
OMG. This will mabye be the funniest story I ever have been reading
4342867 Thanks! This was actually my first story!
Interesting story. Relatively rough around the edges, but it was an amusing and upbeat read.
4568748 Thank you! This was my first story, so it wasn't the greatest! My writing has improved though!
Cornjob was right about the grammatical stuff, but it's still a very good story. Do you think you might be able to write about how they try to catch Pinkie and Twilight?
4612390 I might actually! I'm writing a few other stories that I want to finish this Summer, so I might start this Fall.
4612400 YAYYY!!
I hope there is another story about this how they try to catch Twilight and Pinkie that would be so funny
5337394 It's actually in the making! I'm glad you like the story!
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