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Applejack was happy to return to her family after her stint in Manehattan, but there was something she brought back from her trip. A small mistake and a choice that haunts her to this day.
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Concieved and Written in a sum total of four hours.
Supporting Cast: Granny Smith, Rarity, Twilight and the CMC.
Editted by Level Dasher (and updated 29/01/2014), with props to The Fanfic Crusader.
Page generated in 0.173 seconds
Total duration
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Oh hell the baby's dead isn't it?
3847133
Obviously left that too vague. Apple Bloom isn't an aunty.
3847153
She's the kid!
I had my suspicions that Applebloom is Applejack's daughter since I read the summary.
The story is enjoyable, but it feels like it ends a few pages too soon. It should continue till we get to see Applebloom's response, or at least continue for a few more sentences, so that Applejack actually gets to make her Big Reveal.
Still, not bad for four hours.
3847195
After reading it out loud to my wife, I kind of realised where the ambiguity came from, and I might tweak that ending just a little bit to include the reveal.
3847195 3847155
How's that? I tweaked the last paragraph so that it made full the reveal.
Not sure if I would follow up with Apple Bloom's reaction.
3847215
)
Well, now the ending is a little more explicit, although it's still too ambiguous for my tastes. (Yes, I'm impossible to please.
And on that note, after reading it again, I have even more nitpicks for you!
First of all, there's your Applespeak.
Linguistically speaking, "Y'all" is a second person personal plural. It's only used when you address multiple people. It is not simply a southern replacement for "you."
For example, when Applebloom says:
This is correct usage, because she is speaking to the rest of the Apple Clan, which includes Applejack, Granny Smith, and Big Mac. However, in this story you also use it in places where it's inappropriate, such as
Here, Applejack is addressing Applebloom by herself. There is only one Applebloom, so the word should be "you" and not "y'all." (Although if you want to spell out her accent, it might be acceptable to render it as "yah," as you do in some places)
This is a common mistake, but it's very important to make the distinction when writing someone who speaks a southern dialect, like our favourite fruit-themed cowpony.
Incidentally, the show itself gets this wrong occasionally (especially in Look Before You Sleep). The authors have apparently never studied how people with that accent actually talk.
And on an unrelated note, this story's title is kind of weird: "We're family but so much more" ...I thought a mother/daughter relationship was family.
Still, it's not as bad for Applebloom as it could be. In many stories, Applebloom isn't just Applejack's daughter, she's her incestuous daughter with Big Mac. 
...now that I think about it, you left information about the father vague enough you could do a sequel featuring our Mystery Colt. Maybe it's even someone we know!
Oh, and a big "hello!" to your wife from nearly anonymous people who read your Pony stories on the internet!
3847380
Hahaha, yeah the 'southern vernacular' thing; it's kind of hard because the only exposure I have to it over here (howdy from Australia!) is pretty much through MLP and a few other shows that have 'southern' stereotypes; and accuracy on the language is not a top priority for them.
I'll be going through again with a fine tooth comb, I will make sure to try and correct the usage of yah and y'all. (I think I got them all now!)
Also, reworked the ending, for a little less ambiguity. Maybe I have pleased you now, master? No? Oh well.
And whoof! The Big Mac/Applejack idea... yeah, well, you won't be catching me writing incestuous stories.
Not sure if I will do a sequel to it, or explore who her father is. The way I see it, he is not important to the story. I was actually looking at putting something in about him not wanting to have anything to do with Applejack, but it seemed much like the Ditzy/Dinky Doo backstory I wrote in Look Right Through Me.
And we don't really know many Manehattenites, or at least stallions. So likely not somepony we know
3847658
Salutations from the Pacific Northwest!
Now that's an understatement.
Huzzah! I have contributed to correct grammar on the internet for a dialect of English I don't speak! I feel fulfilled now.
The ending itself was okay. As I said, I thought it only really needed a sentence or so more to make it less ambiguous. But I'll wait till I've read your changes to comment.
What makes you think I'm a "Master" and not a "Mistress?"
That's quite alright, there is more than enough Applecest on FimFiction already.
Hmmm... you may have a point there.
The father doesn't have to currently live in Manehatten. It was back when Applejack was a filly, after all. Still, if they had visited/lived in Ponyville at some point there'd probably be a whole heap of awkward between Applejack and our Mystery Colt.
...Applebloom, daughter of Flam.
3847658
I wouldn't want a sequel exploring who the father is. He is nobody, and frankly not important to the story. However. . .
Apple Bloom's reaction is something I want to read. The shape of her world has changed forever. 'Big Sis' has been lying to her for her entire life, her relationship with the most important people in her life has changed. The smallest of these being Big Mac is Uncle Mac, and Granny Smith is Great Granny, to the big one, Sis is Mom. I generally read the CMC as pre-teens, a time when children are exploring their place in the world. Apple Bloom would not deal with this in a blasé manner, her reaction, positive or negative, would likely be extreme.
Spoilered for those who have not read the story yet.
3847988
I am considering that. It is in the idea pile, if I can work out what would be good enough to follow this up with. I'd hate to write a sequel just for the sake of a sequel, if it didn't live up to the self-standard I set in this one.
The dad's identity, you are spot on with that.
3847927
Actually, I was pretty certain you had confirmed you gender in another post on another story of mine (I remember the little things) but I was using master in the genderless sense rather than Master the gendered title, that goes with Mistress.
Plus, my wife would probably object if I started having Mistresses all around the place, regardless of how I meant it
And daughter of Flam? Well, they have the apple cutie marks. They have the yellow coat, and the red hair.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I can not unthink that now.
3850709
I don't think I ever did.
Good policy.
I am trying very hard not to make a "fickle mistress" joke here.
3850911
It was probably a presumption then, on my part. On MDTTC you asked another poster something similar: 'how do you know I am a guy?'
*shrugs*
Whelp, it is ready for publishing now. This is the final version, it's in the queue for approval now.
3851057
I don't think I've ever mentioned my gender on FimFic, yet a lot of people still call me "mister" or "good sir." I make a point of asking about their assumptions each time. I've gotten some interesting answers...
...and some really, really stupid ones as well.
The most common answer is "I'm a man, and I don't know what you are, so I assumed you are one, too."
I've had three people actually say that.
Huzzah! The fun has been doubled!
...we need a Princess Luna emoticon for these situations.
What a twist, another great fic and quite unique. If you do ever do a sequel I have to agree with 3847988 thoughts on that.
So what happens next ?
I mean it cannot end like that, can't it ?
There's bound to be some continuation to the story, right ?
Keep up the good work.
Headcanon accepted.
Why not it worked for dlazerous
3852316
I think mostly because of how Rarity and Sweetie Belle were in Sisterhooves social. If Rarity was feeling guilt about 'her daughter' then most of sisterhooves social would have to really be written off, or at least in my head.
The Apple family is more ambiguous, so gives me room to work with.
Eh... Well It wasn't really a big surprise (all the other stories that do it), but the story was nicely executed compared to the ones that I have read.
I'm honesty torn about this story.
I did upvote it, because it's well-written, it isn't terribly cliche, and I really felt it.
But the whole Apple Bloom is AJ's daughter thing is just...woogh...kinda oogie. And besides, AJ didn't look nearly old enough in her Manehattan flashbacks to even go into heat.
So yeah. Upvote, on the strength of the writing alone, but the notion itself is kinda oogie.
3852625
I understand the oogieness of it, it was hardly a romance story, and I had hoped Rarity's reaction would show the general disapproval for an older stallion with a younger, completely inexperienced mare. Though let's be honest, she was a filly.
If we go by human years (remember: an actual pony goes into puberty at 2 years old, and reaches sexual maturity around 3); then she would have been between 13 and 14, which was where my mind put her. So regardless of emotions felt by the stallion, it was by law, indecent dealings with a minor. That part of the story was not supposed to be nice, and your disapproval of that part does you credit! Underage sex though, that sadly is a part of life.
Side rant: I will be honest, I fucking hate the whole 'in heat' thing. I tend to equate these characters as more human than animal like, and while a human girl can begin her estrus cycle as young as eight, commonly it happens around ten years to thirteen, which is considered average. Being capable of sexual reproduction is different to 'going into heat' which is commonly treated as 'being sex crazy' (at least on this site); human girls do not become sex-crazed the moment they start getting their period, so I don't see any reason why these ponies would either.
Personally, the moment I see a story talking about a mare 'going into heat', I immediately browse away. Though those stories tend to treat the characters as ready to fuck anything with a pulse.
Edit: I think the problem is mostly with the term. 'A young mare going into heat' has very different connotations than 'A young mare who has just started getting her period'. The difference therein lies the ooginess, for my part.
I'm sorry, but i just couldn't help but burst into laughter at the CMC's outbursts
3853013
Yeah, that was a little mean of me… Awwwwwwwkwaaaaaaard!
Oh come on you can't leave us on such a big cliffhanger. This ain't an ending, it's a cliffhanger between chapters. Please give us a sequel telling us what happened please, please, please.
I'm not gonna lie i probably wouldn't enjoyed it as much if you went with Sweetie and Rarity instead. I've seen it in stories and fan work so many times, it was nice to see the story told differently.
3853299
Lol. Cliffhanger endings. Evidently you are not familiar with my works
I have an idea for a sequel, or maybe even a second chapter to this one, depending on how much of a tonal shift there is between the two. It would probably follow Apple Bloom more than Applejack.
I am working on something else right now (as in right this second) and I have a few other stories I need to get done before a second part to this; but if I can work out something that is good, I'll be posting it, don't you worry!
3853323 Well if i know it's on the horizon then i'm happy and i look forward to what ever you write next
AJ: Applebloom, I am your Mother!
AB: No! That is not True! that is Imposable! also why are we on Bespin?
3851136
My answer to such to such question is statistics. It is statistically likely that a fimfic user chosen at random is male; and statistically less likely they will take offence for someone getting it wrong if they are a woman mistaken for a man than for the reverse case.
3854557
Uh... that's close to saying "There are no women on the internet, so I will address anyone I meet as if they were men, and if I am wrong, men won't care, and women are inherently understanding."
Let's not go there.
3854615
I use gender neutral terms as often as practical, and try not to make assumptions, but yes. Although my admitting my thought process to be as such would probably offend more women than any actual instance of the mistake.
And I know there are women on the internet, but I also know that the majority of the brony community are men. I don't recall at the moment just how big that majority is, but I know it is not insignificant.
I WANT MOAAARRR
Um..you know, if that's alright with you...
Do not worry yourself if you say y'all when talking to one person. Its a common mistake that even people in the south (Like me) will do from time to time.
Anyway, good story.
I thought it was going to be Scootaloo.
3856156
Hah! That might have been a hilarious twist, if I was going for comedy.
Though, actually, I have a sneaking suspicion I've read a story along those lines before.
Interesting story premise, I don't think I've read one like this before. I'm not terribly fond of the idea, but you handled it in a mature light with some surprising character depth, considering the length. Overall, an enjoyable read!
3856965
Thanks! I take that as high praise from someone who is not fond of the concept.
aw, I hate cliffhangers.
This is really good though
Upon reading the synopsis I get the feeling this is another "Applejack is actually Apple Bloom's mother" story. Will read to see if I'm wrong
3857871
Yep. As I suspected. You kind of gave it away in the first paragraph, so it got boring just waiting for her to finally say it
Now, while I don't want to discourage you, I'll say this. The point at which Sweetie Belle overhears and then tells Apple Bloom the same thing was a nice throw in, but it lost most of its impact because there was little focus on the CMC, and the whole situation blew over rather quickly. This story needs to be 2-3 times longer, and you could add some flavor by focusing on Applejack struggling to cope with daily life. You glanced on it, but there wasn't enough focus to avoid the "Yes, we get it. she messed around a bit and came home pregnant with Applebloom. Get on with the bloody story."
Show how she can't focus on apple bucking because Apple Bloom wants to help and it reminds her that she hasn't told the filly, and is overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Show the awkward conversation when it finally happens, and how Apple Bloom is shocked and horrified. You could even continue this to show how life goes on after the fact. Perhaps Apple Bloom runs away, and Applejack has to go find her or something. Maybe get some family bonding in there, and some room for character development with Applejack as she learns to deal with it. "Sunrise" by Erin Hunter provides a nice example of how this exact situation should go down. Leafpool lies to her kits, telling them that her sister is their mother because she's not supposed to have had them. The final reveal is a dramatic climax that creates a rift lasting for an entire six books afterward.
And that's another thing that weighs your story down. You forgot the number one rule: between the first and last word in your story, something has to change.
Nothing's changed here, other than Apple Bloom now knows, and that's not enough. We see no character development from Applejack, who is the main character. Something needs to change about her. She needs to learn. It can be for worse or for better, but if nothing changes, there's no point to the story, and it falls flat on its face.
Work on fixing that and you might end up with something feasible.
Oh and, you've got a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, along with some telly narratives. Might want to check those out as well.
Yep, I know directly when I read the description, but that was also the reason that I decided to read this story to begin whith!
Oh well... time to go kick a puppy and stomp on kitten because this is...'Applejack is Apple Bloom's mom' story number 34982 of the 9001st generation. not hating, just sayin.
Yall who make these stories need Jesus!
3858774
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw604_1303035490212.jpg
Also, tried the jesus, didn't like. Sent it back and got enchiladas instead.
I also like the concept of
being 
's daughter.
I hope you will continue this. I really want to see what is going to happen next.
This could really be a good fic if it went on
Please, please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please tell me you have a continuation or sequel planned!
3861862>>3860145
It's in the planning stages.
I know one thing: they're not dead