Please, check out the description at the bottom for context, please.
The Apple family and their tried and true traditions have always been the envy of Ponyville as far as families go. Applejack is one of the humblest ponies around, but can always openly pride herself in having a loving and nurturing family that she helps keep civilized.
Just recently, Applebloom and her friends just found out how all her friends got their cutie marks and how they were connected to each other all her lives. Great story, right?
Well, Spike has always been a careful listener. He needs to be when trying to keep a neurotic unicorn able to cause mayhem on a small country stable on a daily basis. So, when Twilight recalls the stories of her friends to the letter (quite literally since she made him write it down), he finds a discrepancy. It really couldn't be what he thinks, right? There's no way...right?
Well, that's why he is going to go check in on Applejack.
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Takes place after the "The Cutie Mark Chronicles" and inspired by "Somepony to Watch Over Me"
Warning: Feels and a bit of humor.
Also, no AJ is not Ab's mother. I know that cuts off suspense and intrigue, but I don't want to give people expectations I am not gonna meet.
It has a few little errors but nothing large enough to distract from its premise. Tighten up your writing a bit and this will be a really good fic.
Slightly based on this story, I now have the weird image of Sweet Apple Acres being the Apple Family Orphanage.
you have my interest
4057194
I appreciate the criticism, but can you be a bit more specific. I really want to make this story as entertaining as possible and I don't want silly grammar and spelling getting in the way.
Man, that was pretty great! I can't wait to read what happens next!
Meh, I have always held the oppinion that the mane 6 where in their mid teens at the time of the show. I still don't understand why everyone automatically assumes that they are fully grown. It is rather silly.
4057733
(Oh, hay, you just had ta ask...)
(Quiet, you.)
The two major issues I see are incorrect punctuation of dialogue, and mixing of past and present tenses.
When you have dialogue followed by an attribution of who said it and how, the rule is that you must treat the whole thing -- dialogue and attribution together -- as one single sentence; if the character's sentence is meant to end with a period, you have to use a comma instead, and then you do not capitalize the first word outside of the closing quote unless it's someone's name. (If the dialogue ends with a ? or !, you use those as usual, but still do not capitalize the next word outside the ") You've got the "don't capitalize" part down, but you're using periods instead of commas. Examples:
(My goodness, don't they teach this in schools anymore?)
(Sometimes I wonder, Cheerilee.)
One way you can usually tell if you need to treat the text outside the quotes as an attribution is to remove the dialogue, and see if what remains can stand alone:
remove the dialogue, and we're left with
which cannot stand by itself. It requires the preceding dialogue; therefore, it's a dialogue-tag attribution, and the comma must be used.
On the other hand –
(hoof.)
(...what?)
(We have hoofth, thir, not handth.)
(Now, Twist, it isn't nice to interrupt.)
(Thorry.)
...on the other hoof, we have this:
Remove the dialogue, and:
still stands by itself. It doesn't directly describe a tone of voice, name the speaker, or describe actions which are simultaneous with the dialogue being spoken; therefore, it's not an attribution.
The other major issue, grammar-wise, is randomly swinging between past and present tenses within the narrative, and sometimes even within a single sentence. Generally, you should pick one (past or present) and stick with it thoughout. 3rd-person narratives, which is what you have here, are most commonly done in past tense; while it is possible to mix them for effect (such as in dream sequences, hallucinations, etc.), it's best not to mix tenses or perspectives until you have a firm handle on picking one and staying in it throughout.
(Y'know, Ah keep tellin' ya, if y'all would cut back on th' coffee, ya wouldn't be so "tense" all the time.)
(That joke never gets old for you, does it, Applejack.)
(Nnnope.)
(I don't get it...)
A third issue, which is mostly just a stylistic convention, is that when you have a character expressing inner thoughts as dialogue, you should italicize them so that they stand out from the surrounding narrative.
Also:
Numbers should always be spelled out:
(Are you done bein' pedantic now?)
(Oh, like you even know what that word means.)
(*ahem* Pedantic: overly concerned with formalisms, book learnin', an' formal rules.)
(...)
(She's got you there, darling.)
(*sigh* Just say goodnight, Applejack.)
(G'night, Applejack.)
And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to put some fresh bait in the traps to deal with this Pony infestation in my keyboard...
4058365
Wow, even here I can't escape English. But thank you, I'll try to work on it and revise the chapter a little. It's people like you that help make decent stories.
4058272
For the sake of plot, of course! Honestly, I don't even want to touch that argument sometimes because it can lead to some...awkward discussions, regarding age. Trust me.
4058272 Because none of them live with their parents, and they all have full-time jobs
I don't know if I can give this story a like yet. I'm intrigued and want to see where it goes, but don't know if I like it.
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wonderful story
4060682 LOL just started watching doctor who. So glad I got that reference XD
4058272
4058992
Not to mention, their referred to as mares which is the adult female equine. There's also the fact that they're the same size as all the other adult ponies, need I go on?
4060904 Shall I point out some wonderful comparisons for all of you based of real life? Such as considering the way their society is set up it would not be a surprise if they were allowed to do all of this at a younger age. Considering that their world more resembles the 1800's then it does modern times here people were considered adults at 15? Oh, how bout my personal favorite. Even those many doctors and scientist say that human don't stop growing until their early to mid 20's most of us reach roughly our full height in our mid teens. You don't get growth spurts after 15, at most you tend to grow a 1-3 more inches. Yes there is the rare exception to the rule but the average speaks for itself. Not only that you are carrying over the notion that you have to be an adult in their world to have a job. Considering the way cutiemarks work that would make little to no sense.
Yes they are referred to as mare, I was referred to as a man and as Sir before I completed half of high school. That is more about showing and earning respect over actual age.
This story is a "What if" scenario. I have nothing against that other then it will be a drama and I don't feel like reading that. It is exploring something in the show that the creators decided to leave blank. It doesn't help at all that their are no images of Applejack's parents, even in her house.
4061100
Who are the ponies in the picture then? Or is it just generic art?
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4062487 First time I have seen that portrait though I suspect it is generic art on the part of the creators. It is a knock off of painting called American Gothic. I would not view it as a family portrait.
Ok, I am following because this sounds curious. I want to see where this goes (As long as this doesn't go incest).
The dragons and the princesses is a euphamism I had not heard before, but now it amuses me greatly.
Fascinating idea, good characterization, decent pacing. I like it
Following & etc.
...but EquesTRON is right, your tenses in the middle of the story are painful.
4062623
DEFINATELY NOT.
I can tell where this is going already.... the foreshadowing is very well done, but I hope you don't do something typical a plot twist would be great!
While I like a doze of simple feels, I wish it turned out that Applebloom had some important heritage that affected her life or that involved her going on some adventure and we would follow her as she does it.
Meh, but feels are good enough, still, Adventure would be nice.
Hm... I wonder if you are going the "Applejack is Applebloom's mother" route, or something completely different... Update soon!
4065557
A) Applejack is AB's mother
B) She is adopted
C) The Apples are a hyper advanced alien infiltrator unit who have become contaminated with feels and AB is slowly becoming a pony.
D) It's all a dream.
E) Something comletely different...
....
I'm getting excited writing this story all ready!
Plus: Even though this has no adventure tag, expect Spike to do some investigatice work.
4066029
You forgot a few.
F) The Apples are Changlings.
G) AB is a daughter of one of the princesses and was entrusted into the care of the Apple family.
H) AB is a clone.
I) Aj is Spike's mother.
J) AB is a time traveler.
Just being thorough.
4066058
11) AB is a reincarnated version of Starswirl, reborn as an Earth pony to live a life with friends, instead of magic.
12) The Apples are humans that turned into ponies and replaced the real Apple family.
13) She is a robot
14) Mutant
15) She is actually Spike in disguise.
Oh the Endless Possibilities. The funny part is that I acually want to write a few of these.
An intriguing concept. I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
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4066085
Write ALL of these!
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Very interesting. I never really thought of that little inconsistency in the series. As far as canon, they may have either just not shown the parents because they didn't have a design for them (Probably the most likely explanation), or Applebloom was already suppose to be born and they just didn't show her in the flash back. In which case she would have to be older than Spike... But it does make a good premise for a story.
Please. Just... not another "Applebloom is Applejack's daughter" story.
As to the "age discrepancy...." applebloom could have still been in the cradle when Applejack went to the city. In fact, her parents' recent death would be a good reason for her going; she'd want to get away from the farm for a stretch to get over the loss. If applejack was around 10 when she left, and applebloom was 1, by the current time applejack would be 18-20 and applebloom would be 8-10.
I can imagine that Applejack would be quite furious with Spike, seeing as it couldn't be the first time someone looked at Applejack, looked at Applebloom, counted in their heads and reached the wrong conclusion...
4067406
I'm going to try my best to not be cliche. As this goes along, I think people will be a bit surprised. As for the age thing, I knew some people were going to argue with it ( I usually do), so I tried to reason as best as possible and work out any kinks in following chapters.
Hope you stay interested enough to see it through.
Woohoo! 100 likes in three days! Thanks you guys!
Have a cookie!
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From what I read, im expecting a SpikeBloom shipping. It really sounds like that.
4058365
Although I agree in the specific case, I'd disagree that it's a universal rule, even for numbers smaller than, oh, say, 100. But I suppose I can agree that for an author struggling to sound his best it would be preferable to just write them out in general.
A few minor issues:
First, stay in past tense. Use would instead of will, and were instead of are. There are exceptions, like to every rule in English, but they don't apply here.
Second, your scene change with Luna.
It would be more effective to remove the markers, and instead maybe write
Thirdly, you may want to fix the scene breaks, as they go over the line
Finally, Applejack's reaction is far more violent and abrupt than both what I personally feel her character is like, but also to be effective as a sad-fic. While she probably would be angry, it is unlike her to scream at Spike and kick him out, while also ruining the mood a bit.
Otherwise, no grammar issues that I picked up, and well written.
4071520
There are exceptions, to be sure – such as if you're expressing a precise value, such as "Captain's Log, stardate 4524.2", or scientific measurements such as "He was willing to bet he was no longer seeing in the 3700-to-7000-angstrom range" (a couple of examples from novels I happened to have close at hand), but as a general rule... yeah, it kinda is a rule in prose that numbers are normally spelled out, especially in dialogue. Even Spock's famous line in the Star Trek episode "The Trouble With Tribbles":
...is spelled out in full in the James Blish novelization of the episode. (Though he uses a different number, since he was working off a different version of the script than what was actually filmed.)
"powerpoint" is not the right generic term for a presentation; "presentation" or "slide" or similar, not "powerpoint".
4074832 One of my favorite books is not Two Thousand and One: A Space Odyssey. Skimming 2001 reveals several instances of numbers being used like "200-mile journey". Nevertheless, I happily concede that the numbers should be written out much more often than not.
Grammar Girl notes that "for larger numbers [than 9] the rules vary wildly from style guide to style guide."
I'm sorry, is this a story about the theory that AJ and Big Mac are Applebloom's parents?
This is the start of something good! Fav'd so I won't miss it!
One nitpick:
There has got to be a smoother way to communicate that Luna's mumble takes place in Canterlot. Perhaps something more like:
That little aside is hilarious, by the way!
Now this is a good idea for a tale, hope to see more!
4075062
Should I spoil it? Ugh..ehh...hoo jeez....
If you want to have people shout, an exclamation mark works. Please don't use all caps, it is so distracting.
You caught it! I noticed this fact too!
4075966 You know what, don't, the fact that you're not telling means it probably isn't, in which case this is going to get interesting.
I can't wait for then next chapter!
It's... heavily implied, I'd say, that this story's premise is indeed the case. Rather crass of a premise for such a benign show, if you ask me; but it does take all sorts...
Anyway, upvoted.
4058472
4058272
With the episode "Pinkie Pride," Dash is attributed to be at least twenty-one years of age by the number of candles on her cake. That is inference based on how birthday cakes work.
The rest of them are close enough in age inferred by social norms that include, but are not limited to: owning a business; living on one's own; being bestowed a position of power; etc; etc.
Odd characterization of AJ is odd.