The year is 2057, 12 years after the Incident that linked our world to Equestria. After a rather rough first contact, humans and ponies have learned to coexist somewhat peacefully.
One of these humans is Adam Trask. One of the first to cross the Gate to Equestria, he has lived in this strange universe for over ten years. And he couldn't be happier. He has a lovely home in Ponyville, a beautiful pony wife, and a sweet little pegasus for a daughter.
Then, one fateful Nightmare Night, disaster strikes, and Adam has to deal with something he's never encountered before: grief.
Authors note: I don't mind downvotes, but I'd appreciate it if you'd read the fic beforehand.
Thank you.
EDIT: Special thanks to MrSpartan for helping me edit this fic!
Chapters (1)
I will be watching...
It certainly wasn't as bad as I was expecting with the harsh voting you have already received. There were a few errors that a good proofing would have caught. Other than that it was quite readable. I'll give you a thumbs up.
3819079
I don't know why so many have downvoted it. Maybe it's because it's an HiE fic.
3819079
What did you like about it? What were the errors you were talking about?
3819095
Generally speaking, it flowed well. I could see what you were describing, and while not really the sort of story I would usually read, it managed to hold my attention to the end.
3819174
Thanks. I wish more people would read it.
3819187
I know that feeling all too well.
Well done sir, after I get more time to read the whole thing i'll post another comment telling you what I like/dislike (if there IS anything to dislike) about this.
But for now I'll give you a like out of good faith.
Don't stop being awesome
-Maromar.
3820284
Not for a while. These things take time to write.
3820284
Could you possibly tell me what you liked about it?
It's funny how "human culture" always seems to mean American culture.
3822138
Could you be more specific?
Nice start. Not sure you require an editor as much as a proofreader for a few minor mistakes. Look forward to watching how the story develops.
3822539 Which America? most writers are from the US therefor they write what they know.
3826585
I know most writers are from the US, which is why they write about American culture. It feels very provincial and shortsighted when they ignore the rest of the world and imply, intentionally or not, that American culture is universal.
3827594
I know it's shortsighted, and I know that American culture is not human culture, not by a longshot. But it's what I know.
3828170
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh.
3828412
That's ok.
The story itself is written rather well, but the main problem with this fic, is the lack of exposition. You mention this world changing experiment that bridged together two worlds, a feat that is commonly dismissed as simply fiction, and it is glossed over quickly. I was really confused by some of the gadgets, as those don't get any explanation either, which forces me to infer what they look like, what they do, besides play YouTube videos.
Also,
The word you meant to use was toting, not touting. Touting is a term used when selling something, particularly in an annoying or pestering way.
The grammar is pretty good, there are a couple mistakes, but it's sparse enough to be ignorable.
All in all, the fix was pretty good. Even though Summer was quickly introduced and disposed of, I still felt rather bad when she got caught in the rubble. It is quite an accomplishment to get someone to care about a character that quickly, so good job with that.
All in all, it was a pretty nice fic!
You have my like, and favorite.
Good story so far, but I just couldn't get into it. You choose to skim over the worldbuilding, and that gave a subtle feeling of disconnect whenever something connected to events that had already happened. Whether it was the integration of
humanAmerican culture and pony culture, or the fancy technologies, or how the protagonist and his wife met. That would make a good story on its own, and really, the story feels like a sequel.I was entertained by how much effort you put into making the protagonist's life as idyllic as possible before the inevitable hilarious tragedy. Might as well have put a sign on his roof saying "Calamity striking in 10...9..."
Not a bad story, though, and certainly doesn't deserve the number of downvotes it's got. I know that romance between humans and ponies is a touchy subject on the site, and you pulled it right out of nowhere. Personally, I was torn right out of the story when she showed up, and was left with a "Wait, what?" feeling. Actually had to go back a few paragraphs and do a re-read. There was no buildup, no lead-in. It was just handed to the readers with an air of "romance happened, you know the drill." I think that's why the down/upvote counter is so skewed. A lot of people have a knee-jerk reaction to the whole human/pony thing, and you could have handled that plot point better. My two cents, anyway.
Cheers.
I get that this story focuses more on the relationship between the man and his wife but truth be told, I felt kind of cheated seeing how you just skimmed over the worldbuilding, how Humans and Ponies interact and the Human technology-Pony magic hybrid equipment.