There is a princess that no one knows of—well, more correctly put, no one remembers. There is but a mention in a lone history book, written by an unknown author, and Princess Twilight wants to know more.
Now, not only is the Lost Alicorn remembered, she is found! But that is only the beginning... Because complications arise when the Lost Alicorn can't remember herself.
Import Note: After many years this story just sitting here, and me going on to different projects, I have decided to cancel this story. For the simple fact, other then my inactivity, this story wasn't going the way I originally wanted. For those who actually were enjoying this story, and for anyone who's curious, I'm going to be redoing this story entirely.
Chapters (5)
Never heard of her
Okay first off, the spelling mistakes in this story are quite stupid, sort them out.
Second of all, you need to space out each paragraph. Otherwise it's just messy and a pain to read.
Lastly, not a bad concept, but you need to work on the pacing. It just went from Twilight reading about this Alicorn, to them suddenly in the room and blasting her out.
All in all, not a bad concept, but the way you've gone about it is pretty sloppy, if not a little lazy.
I won't downvote yet, but if this continues into the next chapter than I will.
Viola! Criticism is fun!
You have a very good story idea, but I agree with 3934800. It feels kinda choppy and rushed like you just scribbled it down in five minutes and the spelling mistakes definitely take away the focus from the story itself. You also have quite a few run-on sentences. You should probably get a proofreader or editor. But the idea is good and if you fix the techical mistakes, it could be really good. And remember that commas do not count as periods.
I agree with 3934590. I posted a more in-depth comment on the previous chapter because I am not rewriting it. And it is CONSTRUCTIVE criticism so I'm not just saying its horrible.
3936049 Thank you for letting me know I'll get on that as soon as possible, and I was kinda rushing this a little.
You can expect it being fixed soon.
3934590 whoops....thank you for pointing that out I guessed I missed it, when I was writting it. but it's fixed now.
3934590 Ok thank you for the criticism, I'll make sure I won't do that next chapter. Which should be up soon and I'm going to go back and fix any spelling or grammer errors.
3936136 glad to know it helped.
So far it's okay, I didn't notice the spelling mistakes or other wise, I tend to just overlook them.
Best of luck.
3938011 I was going to address this in the next chapter all the spelling mistakes that have been mentioned have been fixed
This was a really good chapter; you've really improved. There were still a few spelling and grammar mistakes, and it was kinda choppy, but still much better than your previous chapters. Maybe you should get an editor to help you with the spelling and grammar, and work on better transitions to make it flow a bit more. But I think this chapter was incredible and a huge improvement. Congrats! And I don't have grudges against Alicorn OC's if the author makes it work well, like you did with this story.
3968962 thank you I've been looking into the editor thing for a while now, if you or someone else knows a good one that would be great.
This still has quite a few spelling mistakes, but not enough for me to stop reading.
I like the idea of a forgotten Alicorn, maybe because my story is on a similar concept. I am waiting to see what Aroura's story will be, as that is what makes me love or hate OCs. So far I like her.
I feel like this needs emoticons, but I cannot put any when I am on my phone.
3969352 Sorry, I don't really know any editors. You can join an editing group though.
3969352 I'll keep an eye on for one.
3971850 thanks, and just to let you guys know. I am looking for an editor I just don't know which group would be good one or if they well actually do what they say they do.
Hello, me again. I just read the newest chapter, and I am still quite interested, and would like to give a quick tip before I fall asleep(should have done that about six hours ago).
What you need to do more is describe things. The newest chapter had a good start on that, describing the house and the furniture in the room, but you should go more into it. Saying "an oak dresser" has more depth than "a dresser", you know? Aurora says a line that Rarity mentioned something about redecorating, but describe what needs redecorating, like if it is empty, say what few things are there, or what state they are in.
The part with Twilight looking for the books was very quick, just a "I'm looking for a book" and "is it this one because this is important". I did not even register that Aurora had picked up a book. Say that "she scanned the shelves and saw a title that caught her attention" then add a line of her actually picking it up. Or if Twilight had left the book out on that page, type where it is noticed.
Other than this I am still quite interested in where this is going, and I would like to see your technique improve along the way.
This is the rewrite?
It's still riddled with errors.
"Long ago, Equestria was ruled by two alicorn sisters: one for the sun, the other for the moon."
"Then one became jealous of the other's popularity and tried to become the only ruler and bring eternal night."
"Seventeen years after the new alicorn's birth, the demon engulfed her with its evil. With her nightmarish new form, the young alicorn laid waste to Canterlot."
"Before the demon and its new puppet could spread their destruction across the rest of Equestria, the Princess of the Sun fought back."
"The demon was too strong for the princess and almost won the day."
I could keep going...
4828045 I sure I mentioned that i'm not the greatest at spelling or grammar, mostly because of learning disability in those two subjects.
and if you could keep going that would be good, but you don't need to. Thanks for pointing that out though.
4827999 thanks for the tip, when I wrote this chapter it was late, as you probably know, that and I need to work on describing things more clearly.
4828637 yeah, I know the feeling of working late. It is currently 4:07 in the morning and I am maybe half-way done with a chapter.
4838211 It's killer isn't it, it also doesn't that I'm getting over a cold right now.
4839851 I have the opposite problem because 1.) this is summer in Florida and 2.) my grandpa always thinks it is freezing so the tempature inside is just as hot as outside.
4839959 That stinks, well it's currently summer here in Texas but I don't have the problem of a hot house or room (anymore that is)
I was thinking about this story this morning and I was wondering: didn't this used to have a cover picture? or did I dream that?
4949231 yes it did but I hated it because it was from pony creater, I felt that it didn't show who Aurora really was. So in short yes it did, but not anymore
4952947 well, at least I'm not going crazy(crazier)! I kind of miss it though. I mean, a peice of cover art is one of those things that makes a story really feel like a story. And soomething I need to work on doing
. if I want the right to talk about it, i mean
4828045 Trust me, it's a lot better then it was.