What happens when two people with dull, ordinary lives get sent lands of heard of as stories? What will they do when it is time to return? Will they choose to lead a new life, or return to the home they hate? Follow the story of two Asians as they struggle to understand their heart's desire.
FYI Major Tagged Character Will Appear Later, Please Be PATIENT And Give This Fic A Chance.
Credit to my friend Thomas Cramer for the drawing.
EDIT: Ch.1 has been drastically changed, go reread it!
Chapters (3)
I want to become better at writing fanfic, so i appreciate it if you would take a little of your time to comment or criticize, thank you. Also, if you hate this thing, i would also appreciate it if you would tell me why, thank you.
That is all, good day to you folks.
I like it and I hope you continue with it
339170 Sweet Baby Jesus! someone commented! but thank you, that means a lot to me and it boosts morale a little.
339182 lol no probs
Now I'm not a good critic but I can see this is going to be different then others.
The one thing that did bug me was the whole sw-yay-ar thing. But I know it was smart because people don't like swears in this.
Now just a question were you going to add a romance element to this?
339216 i plan not to add a romantic tag unless i'm heavily supported, as i have a very, VERY limited knowledge of love, exp. wise. i have my philosophies, but that practically where it ends. also, don't worry, i plan to cut out swearing in later chapters as equestria is basically peaceful and swear-free, from the fic i've seen so far, but i am going to change it to like horseapples, hay, etc. also, if i were to do a romantic fic, it would be as a side story, as the listed friend of mine is not fond of romance in fanfics.
I'm getting some pretty bad warning flags here.
For starters, it looks more like you are writing for a television series or a comic book then for a novel. That's a problem, because fanfics, having no visual parts, are essentially novels. Sound effects such as *beep* have no place here, self-censoring your swearing was only funny when Dr McNinja did it, and there is no need to rush introducing your characters. There is no time limit on books.
Obvious self-inserts are not particularly classy, and neither is writing in the first person if you don't know exactly what you are doing.
Your writing style is particularly boring. You are describing the events, again, as if we are seeing it on television. You should try to be a bit more clever about it, give us some insight in the way these characters are experiencing their world.
Basically, I think that your main problem is that you have very little knowledge of a written medium such as books, as opposed to visual media like television and comic books. I suggest you pick up a book and read. I, for one, recommend Terry Pratchett, but any sufficiently skilled author will do. Study the common techniques used, and see what you can use yourself.
340475 your right, writing this was, is, and will be a learning experience, as I have little said exp. On the subject, everything I do can be improved, so I thank you for pointing the major aspects I of the story I need to change so that people will actually enjoy reading this little project of my friend and mine.