Princess Luna tells Apple Bloom a truth that shatters everything she knew about herself while she is mourning Applejack. What will Apple Bloom do now?
Rated Teen due to minimal mention of sex.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 7th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 12th, 2014
memphisgurl
huge my little pony fan, female
memphisgurl
Joined 7th Dec, 2013 ·
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First and foremost, I must say this is a nice little story. I don't know if it is worth a sequel, but it's a cute little story. However, there is a big plothole that has to be corrected. Where Applebloom was born, Luna was on the moon AND was Nightmare Moon. How could Luna govern anything? Also, this is not a plothole, but I still need to know, just how did Applejack pass on? It can't be old age, because Big Mac and Granny Smith is still alive. This is why I haven't 'liked' the story yet.
3855723 Thank you for your comment. I suppose that I should add that at this time apple bloom is almost a full grown mare making Luna not be on the moon when the birth took place.
3855763 Doesn't matter. When Nightmare Moon returned, Applebloom was already a foal. If Celestia had AB before Luna's banishment, AB would already be dead.
Awesome! Definently needs a sequel! I would put a lot of emoticons but I'm on my phone, :(
can you add more chapters to this story or make a sequel for this story
3855799 3855809 Thanks to both of you! I'll make a sequel as soon as I can!
3855840 Your welcome and will the sequel have a lot of chapters not just one chapter like this one has
3855853 Not sure yet, but I'm thinking I might try for about 3 chapters and a more extended storyline.
3855872 ok and i hope the sequel has a lot of chapters
3855883 I will do my best to honor that request as I write a sequel.
3855887 ok
yes make more... OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND EAT YOUR FAMERLY! YOURFAMERY!
Why.... Why is Luna describing the quality of Celestia's night to Apple Bloom? Couldn't she just say that Celestia and Ignis grew close, and she eventually became pregnant? Especially in the same story as saying "Yer a princess, Bloom", this just seems out of place.
Also, a point on style of writing: I'm not sure that I like the format of Luna's story. You've written it in italics and separate from the "Luna and Apple Bloom have a discussion" story line, but I think that this story is the meat of the narrative. In my opinion, it deserves to be fleshed out, maybe describing Luna's tone and face while telling it, or Apple Bloom's response, or questions that she might ask during the story. I don't know, it's not wrong, but I would have tried it differently.
Overall, an interesting concept. It certainly does open itself up to a sequel! Please, do go on!
EDIT: The more I think about it, the more I have another question: is this in an alternate timeline? Apple Bloom was born while Nightmare Moon was on the moon. I guess she could have been born before the banishment, but Celestia made sure that she's not immortal, so that doesn't work. Making AB younger might work, but she would have to be born well after the event of season one. Making her older wouldn't really help. So I guess this would have to be an alternate timeline?
The ending was hilarious & yes I definitely would like see a sequel plz.
I thought it was celestia that was the troll?
4306709 How is she not?
4306740 hint, much?
4307175 I'm sorry but I'm really confused
4307205 you kinda imply'd that celestia will be trolling later in the story. Or at least thats hiw i read it.
4307760 Oh, okay, yeah you're right. She will be trolling in the sequel.
4310050 yippie!
Note: Well, yeah, I can post that comment. I just hope it is constructive enough for you, because it is mostly me learning out of your style.
***
I have to admit I felt confused when I finally finished reading the story, but I would like to comment as this is actually very interesting because of the way you structured the story.
I do admit that I thought, at first, that the story was a big joke played by Luna because, as blaid23 said, the ending is very funny. But the beginning clearly shows it is a very serious story. Now it might be dark humor...
But as I said, I'm mostly interested in the construction of the story. I could actually ask a few questions:
1) why did you feel it was necessary to begin with Applejack's death?
2) why did you choose to tell the whole "Celestia and Ignis" thing through indirect dialogue instead of telling the story directly?
3) why did you change the rythm of the story at the end (making the whole thing go way faster)
***
First, why Applejack's death? It clearly gives the impression, at first, that the truth Applebloom will learn is connected to Applejack's death:
That sentence almost says "she did not want to learn the truth that was laying in front of her".
The weird thing is, you don't play out of the ambiguity through the story, as there seem to be no connection between Applejack's death and the fact Applebloom is an alicorn princess and daughter of Celestia. The only time there is a slight connection is:
But Applebloom refers to all the Apples and not just Applejack. She doesn't refer to the grave, or to any memory. Therefore, I can't find a connection.
All in all, I feel that beginning with Applejack's death served two purposes:
1) creating a very serious tone from the beginning (that you probably felt was too heavy while writing)
2) just putting the Apple family to the side for the story, just a way of saying "I need to take them out before the story can begin".
I'm comforted into that position with:
Where you sort of state that you know the reader might not appreciate the premisce, but that you don't hate the Apple family, just need it to be out of the way somehow.
This also gives you the possibility to put aside the whole "who is my family" thing in advance.
Finally, it may be so that you wanted to take away Applejack in the idea that she would be needed later by Applebloom as a support, with whatever symbolic you would want to write behind that.
Actually, the only thing I can't explain is that choice:
Because the "wishing she was dreaming" implies the fact it's a first time, sort of a surprise (which a "wishing, as always, that she was dreaming" wouldn't imply for example). But that sentence:
Seems to indicate it has been some time since Applejack passed away. Therefore, there is a contradiction between those two parts. The problem only lies in that I first thought Luna had come the very same day Applejack had been buried (and by extension had died, which is a weird connection I made probably due to the fact we rarely see all the time between someone's death and his burrial in movies). I don't think it was your intention.
***
Second, using indirect dialogue instead of telling the story.
I'm actually not sure of the intention that was behind that choice. Usually, indirect dialogue is chosen either to tell the story through the eyes of a particular character or to make the reader identify with the one hearing the character talk.
But it doesn't seem to be the case here. Luna never shows emotions:
It's all very neutral. It can come from your vision of Luna and therefore your choice for her to be the narrator as well as explain how she might now about the past, putting the narrator out of the omniscient position he usually is in. But you didn't put any indication your narrator was not omniscient.
As for the identification:
The use of "the filly" instead of "you" tends to weaken that link. And such a formulation:
Wouldn't work with using the "you" as a way to refer to the reader (because "we" doesn't refer to Applebloom (the reader) and Luna, but to Luna and Celestia), which makes me believe you weren't searching for such a link with the reader.
My guess would be you just went with using indirect dialogue, but I can clearly be wrong there. I just don't know.
***
Finally, the rythm. In the end, the rythm of the story is way faster than at the beginning.
As soon as Applebloom says "Absolutely", things are going very fast:
- Applebloom transforms
- they both teleport
- Luna creats a trumpet
- Celestia faints
There are four actions in a fifth of the time it took for the whole exposition.
I can see two explanations:
- the story is about dark humor (which I'm clearly not against) and the fast tempo is there to create a contrast with the rest of the story and prepare us for the resolution.
- you didn't see any point in putting a lot of description in between the actions and wanted to go straight to what mattered, which works great as a cliffhanger.
***
This is actually quite fascinating as, normally, such a structure wouldn't work on paper (very serious beginning, but silly ending, slow rythm in the middle, but fast in the end, and two themes in one story (being: losing one member of your family - unwanted child/pregnancy) without any parralel between both (which I just noticed could be exploited).
But it does work. I mean, the more I think about the story, the more it is a great dark humor joke where the seriousness of the whole introduction creates a great contrast for the ending joke.
I imagine the thought process to create the story was:
"Okay, Applebloom (probably because most liked CMC) will learn she is actually Celestia's daughter ('cause it's awesome) and will live some crazy adventure there. But then it means she is not an Apple, so to explore the relation with Celestia, I need to get rid of Applejack first."
I'm not saying it is exactly what went through your mind
, just that I can easily imagine it, because I've begun many stories with such a train of thought (although I spend hours and hours developing said train of thought afterwards), so that's my best guess.
Also, I'm convinced, against all odds, that you thought of that story as an introduction, because of the fact you asked if a sequel seemed right and because the "action" pretty much begins at the end.
Nonetheless:
I actually don't think you should, because a long story requires a lot of structuring and there is, at first glance, only so much confusion a reader's mind can take. On the other hand, it would actually be impressive to see a whole story written out of the guts be coherent. I just feel that story's strength lies in the open beginning and ending.
- you never say how Applejack passed away (even if Applebloom is a little older, it isn't seemingly of old age as Granny is still around)
- you don't say how Celestia is taking it (just that she faints, but, could be anything)
- you don't say exactly what Luna position is (she wants to right the wrong (english is such a silly language), but she makes fun of the situation as well, and we never get to see what her true feelings are on the matter. I personnally felt as much anger as there was compassion).
- you don't say what Applebloom is expecting or even if she was prepared somehow:
The way she accepts the situation indicates a maturity that isn't common and therefore some event previous to the story having made her the one she is now.
In other words, there is a whole world hidden behind the story and left entirely for the reader to imagine, which isn't bad at all as it can be frustrating for some, but can be quite engaging for others.
It's a style that can be exploited (and I do mean that seriously). I just feel it might be too frustrating on a large scale.
But as it is, I ended up judging the story as a picture left open for interpretation. Here less than in "living the nightmare", because you offer much more exposition, but still. Actually, following the idea of a skeleton story, you may be offering too much exposition here.
You know, the more I write my comment, the more I realize you probably intended to write a very normal story following a very normal structure and it might be confusing to receive such a comment. So two things if that's the case:
- first, I develop it so much because I'm thinking more and more how I could steal that style and try it myself, 'cause it seems fun (just very hard to do)
- second, if you want to create a "normal" story in the sense of a story like pretty much everyone writes it, well, I can't really give any good advice. I mean, everybody has its own way of doing it and I've seen many styles. I guess you would have to plan things more, but that usually spoils the fun...
***
And to end on an interpretation note, let's go crazy for a second:
- this is all actually just a dream:
which explaines quite a lot actually, and Luna is just having fun. Or maybe is the one dreaming...
- this is all a cautionary tale about intercourse:
By the way, thanks for making the stallion the one who ignited the whole problem... more "seriously", Applejack dying could be the illusion of an honest life (in the "honest citizen" way) breaking up, the middle would be the whole story and the ending Celestia discovering the consequences (on a symbolic level, as she already knows on a first degree reading).
- This is all Applebloom plan. She has killed Applejack, brainwashed Luna to make her believe the whole story, all out of a psychotic scar that makes her unaware of her own plan as all she wants is having a real mother and a real father (and she has the power out of Sombra's horn, because it's merely a detail).
As always, the only important thing is to have fun. You seemed to have fun writing it and I ended up having a lot of fun analyzing it
.
4326231 Damn, I love your comments. They really shed a new light on my stories and make me think more in depth about them.
To answer your questions in my own way:
1) I started the story out with Applejack's death to develop the depressing setting and get an emphasis on death. When I wrote this the very subtle connection I intended their to be was the death of her old life the way it was. However, after reading your comment I could also think that it could be interpreted as the death of honesty for Apple Bloom. I say this because of Applejack being the Element of Honesty, and also because of how in telling Apple Bloom that she is a princess, Luna reveals that the life Apple Bloom knows has all been a lie. Just a thought though, probably doesn't make much sense but it just came to me. All of the possible interpretations you came with do actually make quite a lot of sense as well, and I see how people could take the story that way. One more thing on that - I know you mentioned that you thought the serious tone in the beginning was something that I felt was too serious while writing. I'm curious as to why you thought that. Just so you know I didn't actually feel at all like that, but I'm interested in the theory behind that idea.
2) The reason I went with indirect dialog was to disconnect Luna's narrative from the rest of the story. At the time I wrote this, I felt that doing so would make it seem like Luna was absorbed in thoughts and memories of that time.
3) The main reason for the abrupt pace change was, as you suggested, because the story was intended to be a dark humor story. I'm glad you think the structure worked, especially because there was practically no thought process behind the story. I just happened to be on Fimfiction and I decided to write a more dark and mature Apple Bloom story. I chose Apple Bloom not because she is most-liked CMC, but because I felt that out of the CMC, she had the best potential to become mature and a very small part due to Applejack being the Element of Honesty.
While I am glad for your input on the sequel, I have actually decided to write one. Mainly because I would like to explore things a bit more with Celestia's reaction to Apple Bloom's transformation though it will likely grow to something much more than that.
As to the style, I actually did not intend to write a normal story. I enjoy writing stories in a more vague manner that is open to the interpretation of the reader. If you do choose to attempt writing a story in this style, I would be very interests in reading it. To me, writing like this is not hard and is actually much more enjoyable to write than writing in the more common style. One piece of advice if you do choose to make an attempt: write from the heart. The more you think about it the worse it will be. Just write what comes to you.
The interpretations at the end of your comment, though quite intriguing, are not anything like what I envisioned this story as being. However, they do prove my point of how this writing style leaves a story open to so many different interpretations.
One last thing: Yet again I have enjoyed reading your comment and would be interested in reading more like it. This is entirely up to you, but if you happen to have the time I would be thrilled if you could do this for some of my other stories such as "The Separate Lives of the Mane Six" and "Luna's Misery". Thanks again for taking the time to come up with such a well thought out interpretation of one of my stories!
4328155
Glad to hear that. I usually avoid to comment like that because people tend to take it badly... (but also because of how long it takes).
Because you began with a very serious tone, and gradually go to a neutral tone in the middle, and finally end up on a funny tone, which is coherent for a joke (as you said the story is), but would have been weird otherwise.
So as I wasn't sure if the story was intended to be a joke, I had to find another explanation. And as I watch quite a lot of anime, I'm used to see a very big change between the tone of the first episode and the rest of the series, as the author are trying to find what they want to do or just selling their stuff at the beginning and then flex their muscles.
So I thought, due to the instinctive way you write stories, that you might have just felt like the story was too serious at some point, and decided to change that.
I'll let aside the fact that I sometimes just feel the tone I've set for a story is wrong (but then, I rewrite the whole story, so it doesn't count).
I didn't feel that she was absorbed. My explanation for the gap between what you expected and what I felt would be that you hear Luna's voice with a certain tone and at a certain speed, which is probably not the same as the one I hear (because there is a lot of Luna's interpretation).
For example:
If you read it that way:
"Out of fear (insist on fear) for hers' and the baby's safety (menacing on safety), Celestia left me (tone of pride, good old memories and some old grudge) to rule the kingdom until she had given birth (higher pitch because birth is a happy moment) and went into hiding (slight pause for dramatic effect), far (slight pause for effect) across Equestria (tone to emphasize the size of Equestria and the whole mystery there)"
Then you have one interpretation of what Luna is saying. But I read it all with a very neutral voice, without any of all those little "nuances" (I hope that word is the same in english...). So there was pretty much no emotion I could detect.
Also, Luna didn't seem absorbed because of the fact she always goes straight to the point in a very pragmatic matter.
For example:
Luna speaks about the moment Celestia leaves, and then directly skips to when Celestia returned. She is very focused on the story, and even more, on giving the essential informations. But this isn't really spoken through her own eyes. Actually, you can write the exact same sentences if the narrator was telling the story.
A more personal narration for Luna would be:
"The last thing Celestia did before leaving was ensure that all was well, at least she tried, and just went away as she would have if she was taking an extended vacation. A whole year passed, quite event empty if you don't take into account pretty much everything that happened pretty much every single day. Celestia finally returned to Canterlot with some sort of little incredibly cute filly with big orange colored eyes and a red puffy mane that was just so puffy and fluffy and all and a tiny lovely tail that was always expressing how happy the filly was."
But you'll notice that the whole thing I've just (really badly, sorry, I seriously don't have time) written can still be said by the narrator without much problem and therefore makes it difficult to see Luna being absorbed behind the words (as she is remembering what happens).
Taken to the extrem, it would make something like:
"[...] was taking an extended vacation. That lasted a whole year. A very, very long year. Nonetheless, dear Applebloom, after all that time, and quite a few adventures, the day happened that I finally saw my sister again. I was, well, I showed my affection and relief in the most appropriate way possible, but before I had time to ask her any of the thousands of questions I had, she told me there was somepony I should meet. [...]"
With that last example, the personality of Luna (well, here one of the personnality that could be given to her) comes out very bluntly.
I'm not sure where I wanted to go with all this. Oh yeah:
I think I've gone too far with my response, so, sorry if I did. I just wanted to illustrate how the neutral narration doesn't really help the reader feel pretty much anything until the reader decides what he wants to feel. But if creating holes in the scenario for the reader to fill is potentially good as the human mind likes to fill holes (the existence of fanfiction being my proof), creating a vague personality for the characters can be problematic, because the human mind has a difficulty to create another personality but its own (as it is the only one it really knows weirdly enough - and speaking of the majority of the people, there are a lot of exceptions and all that out of my hypothesis and the subject, I can't affirm it for sure).
And that way, you made an alicorn out of the only CMC who doesn't know magic or flying
. I actually didn't think of the maturity. It makes sense.
I can't really do that I fear. I'm used to analyze thing a way too much, so even when I'm writing "in a transe", I'm always thinking about the structure of the story, the coherence of the elements, etc... But if I find the time to do it, I will probably try to re-create the illusion of an intuitive writing.
To be honest, I probably won't have time, because I have a lot to do (like a master thesis, my job, my second job, and a start-up) and there is a lot else that I want to do. I mostly spent so much time on your stories because I was intrigued and I wanted to learn (anything I know about writing I've learned through analyzing what others do).
But I read the ending of your last story and I do wonder how the whole story was structured. Then again, it's all a matter of time (as I write this, it is 0030 in the morning, I'm exhausted and I'm late with pretty much every obligation I've got).
ps: the way those comments work is very unpractical when it comes to discussing a story in depth.
3855793
Ignoring Frankie2's comments like that has made me downvote.
4474494 I'm sorry you feel that way
4328155 I, uh... wow. Holy Celestia.
This story is amazing. I can't even put it into words. I really love it.
PLEASE MAKE A SEQUEL, THIS IS BEST FIC I'VE READ IN A WHILE!!!
4501244 Wow! That really means a lot to hear you say that! The first chapter of the sequel is out. Story is called The Rule of Princess Apple Bloom.
Personally, I don't think you should make a sequel. Your writing style is fine but, an Apple story with AJ dead is too depressing. If she were alive, then maybe...
4597919 I appreciate your opinion but I have already posted the first chapter of the sequel, The Rule of Princess Apple Bloom. It is not so much an apple story as it is a royalty story.
Prankster Luna
Definitely missing a Luna emoticon here ....
4673562 They've been missing a Luna emoticon ever since this site was made!
Well, that was an asspull.
4681993 You mean Luna at the end right?