Fifteen years ago, all but one of the mane six died or disappeared. Now, that one must put her faith in a new mane 6, before the force of the dark stars overtakes the land.
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-On paragraph 6, you may remove the comma between “us” and “and” in the last sentence.
-On paragraph 7, revise “flora seem” into “flora seems” because of its singularity.
-On paragraph 12, I suggest revising “her own” into “her” due to reflexive pronoun use.
-On paragraph 13, Agelian’s third sentence’s “say” must be changed to “stay”.
-On paragraph 14’s third sentence, change “others” into “other’s”.
-On paragraph 15, I was confused for a second of who said that, yeah, it was Agelian. I suggest revising that paragraph like this: “Then answer me this, of wise one!” Agelian demanded. “Why are we even in this library!?” Just like that.
-You misspelled “stern” with “sterm” on paragraph 17. And you don’t need a comma between “life” and “or”.
-The comma use in paragraph 18, thus I suggest kindly revising it into: Star asks as she takes a seat…
-Another comma usage on paragraph 23 should be removed.
-On paragraph 28’s “the sound of light footsteps echo within”, change “echo” into “echoes”. And you may also change “sobbing to himself” into “himself sobbing”.
-On paragraph 30, kindly change “it’s” into “its”, because, un-abbreviating it into “it is” in that sentence doesn’t sound agreeable with the “train”.
-On paragraph 35’s fourth sentence, it sounds like a question due to its “who”. Therefore, I suggest revising it into “Beside her sits Bri, holding a photograph of Pinkie Pie in her hooves”.
-“Who” and “whom” are generally refer to people/ponies, thus, I suggest revising paragraph 37’s last sentence, you may add “of” between “head” and “who”.
-Add “and” between “again,” and “then” on paragraph 41’s second sentence. Do the same with paragraph 50’s last sentence (between “hour,” and “then”).
-Thou should considerately change sentence two of paragraph 45’s “Canterlot Colts ball park” into “Canterlot Colts Ball Park” since the name is a part of that place, like the “Museum of Equestrian History”. On the third sentence, change “the” into “they” since it’s referring to the six ponies, and also the fourth sentence’s “the” between “that” and “have”.
-Um…Paragraph 47 and 48 should be connected. (Before you could revise this chapter, I recommend reading the rest of the suggestions).
-Instead of “yourself” in paragraph 52, replace it with “it” in order for Everglade to imply Terra’s composure and to maintain the sentence’s reflexive pronoun use.
-On paragraph 55’s sixth sentence, change “who’s” with “whose”, because with “who is” in there, it also doesn’t sound agreeable. (Oh dear Aurora, that Joe is just psycho that his murder from the young colt to the socialite mare made me nauseous as Devlin).
-Okay, my stomach stopped twisting after a few seconds. On paragraph 56’s third sentence, kindly revise “family have” into “family had” or “family has” if you want to stick with the present tensing.
-In Shining Armor’s storytelling on paragraph 59, due to the subject-verb agreement, kindly revise “make” into “making” or “to make”.
-Regarding paragraphs 59 to 60, I already explained in episode 5 about long speeches and storytelling in by paragraphs of a story.
-About subject-verb agreement again, change “was” of paragraph 63’s first sentence into “were”.
-On paragraph 65, revise “whom” with “which”.
-Revise “kind of teleportation spell” into “sort of teleportation spell”.
-Change paragraph 71’s “reacting” into “reacted”. This is due to verb confusion.
-Hmm, paragraph 75 needs revising with its two first sentences. I suggest putting it as, “Yes that is correct. But tell me something, Dreams, if you suspected me all this time, why in Equestria did you continue to milk information out of these other two?”
-On paragraph 76, I suggest adding an exclamation point in Terra’s yell. In fact, he’s rather demanding at Oblivion. Due to “What”, I was confused if Terra was surprised or demanding.
-OMA! (Oh my Aurora!) Oblivion again! Star Rider's my fave now, 'cause she remind me of Twilight. Oh, and do kindly update the link here as well.