Fifteen years ago, all but one of the mane six died or disappeared. Now, that one must put her faith in a new mane 6, before the force of the dark stars overtakes the land.
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Wow, so I'm responsible for the Detrot Lions. Oh yeah, and some death and destruction too. I'm also taking credit for Vinyl hooking up with Octavia. Sure, it probably would've happened sooner or later, but I'm claiming that.
From a loving father of 3 to complete death and destruction. Its like a dream come true.
4968324 Lol, Vinyl and Octavia have nothing to do with The Harad.
You should have mentioned how your proofreader was prepared to quit on you when he thought Octavia was going to die. XD
4979435 Lol, calm yourself Scatter.
Hey everyone. I've been sick since Saturday, and due to my inability to think properly while ill, I have been unable to really focus enough to begin writing the next chapter. It IS scripted and ready to begin getting written, but that's as far as it is right now. Hopefully I can kick this in the next few days and get to writing, because I wanted to get the new episode out before Saturday, which is when my big brony meetup is being held. I really REALLY hope I get better soon.
It's been a long time since I'd read MLP: FoG due to a lot going in my school days as senior Might as well start from scratch and enjoy until the next chapter comes up
Tell me if I'm un-updated or something is wrong, but the link provided in the story's long description sin't working
5007413 Oh my Celestia Get well soon!
5011099 Try it now
Episode 4 and 5 double feature:
I don't really have time at the moment, so I'm making this a lightning round. I'll just be pointing out issues that stood out to me. If school doesn't kill me, I'll add commentary to my points at a later date.
Episode 4:
1. So, like I thought, Chupa is just a Fluttershy archetype. The quiet but caring figure. Just substitute animals for plants.
2. You tend to take the extremes a lot. Like, I understand that people get bullied, often pretty badly, and that they cut themselves as a result; that much I can agree with. But the extent to which Chupa was bullied is almost unbelievable. In the show, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle are just called names. They were never physically assaulted, and it's usually only Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon that are the culprits. Chupa, on the other hand, admits not only to things being thrown at her, but getting her leg broken? By a large portion of the class as well? Like... really? This is Equestria we are in, right?
The funny thing is that, just before admitting this, she said most ponies there were nice. "Yeah, everyone is really friendly here. They'll just break your leg if you look at them wrong." I would've ditched town in a heartbeat if I were Spring.
3. Why does Chupa speak like an adult? How old is she? If she's still in Cheerilee's class, then she's got to be either late elementary or early middle school age. Despite that, she's saying things like:
"I looked at it in the window of the greenhouse and began to cry. These weren't the same bitter tears that I'd been crying all this time, they were droplets of joy. That leaf I saw on my flank that day was my destiny. I went through all those hardships, all that pain and misery so that I would go into the Everfree Forest when I did, and find Mr. Greenhooves when I did. It was all so that I could meet the flora that gave me hope once again, and find that one special something that I was meant for."
It's nice to be poetic, but save it for the poetic characters. A child would not be speaking like this. When was the last time you heard a kid use the term "bitter tears" or "droplets of joy"? Characters have to stay true to the characteristics you've established for them. Doing otherwise breaks the reader from the story. Would it make sense in the show if, out of nowhere, Rainbow Dash was a whiz at math? Or if Pinkie decided to get a job in accounting?
4. I can't help but feel this is a clone of the show. I don't want to feel it, but I do. Not only have you killed all the Mane 6, only to replace them with eerily similar characters, but you brought back the CMC as well. If they start acting like Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, etc., I don't know if I'll be able to take it
5. What bugs me the most about this chapter is that it's filler. As far as I can tell, it has nothing to do with the plot as a whole. So why should I care about what is happening here? More importantly, what is the villain doing while this is going on? Presumably brooding in a cave somewhere, taking his sweet time so all the Elements can get together and foil his plans for the sake of the plot.
I get that you wanted to make this like the show, and that's a style choice. I won't criticize that. However, I will state that there is a reason the villains of the show are defeated within the season opening or finale: it's because having a dangerous, looming threat over the entire nation for an extended period of time (i.e the time lapse in a season) makes no sense; if the villain poses a threat, they make their move before the main characters can stop them.
This is unless, of course, the villain does not have the means or capability of accomplishing whatever they are plotting, which can explain why they are biding their time. The dark stars, unfortunately, do not have this excuse. It's been proven how powerful they are. All that stands in their way is a lone Princess and a group of ponies that don't know they are the Elements of Harmony. So why, to reiterate questions I asked in previous comments, hasn't the dark stars taken over Equestria yet? I actually want an answer to this. It's been nagging me too much.
Episode 5:
1. Agelian Wingblade confirmed for Rainbow Dash archetype. I'm 2 for 2 now.
Seriously, his "athlete, egghead" thing was practically Rainbow Dash's words verbatim.
2. Why are you forcing meta references in this? Leave the real world in the real world. It breaks the immersion. I don't want to be reminded that I am a person staring at a screen, reading a story about ponies. I want to feel like I'm in said story; like I'm watching it on a TV in my head.
The living tombstone thing was okay. It got a chuckle out of me, and it was kind of cleverly done. But throwing in musician names like Mic and Forest Rain, is just... cringe, I suppose.
The worst of all, though, was the Cupcakes reference. That was forced. There's no way around it. Why would Bri even think of that in that situation? It had absolutely nothing to do with the context of the chapter. If Star and the others were strapped to tables, or about to be, why would she take the time to write a letter, walk it over to Bri's house, then walk back. Better yet, why wouldn't she just write: "Yo, we're doing research at the library. Y'know, the thing we've been doing all the time now".
Why exactly is that urgent again?
3. Psycho Joe is gonna be a thing, isn't he? Can I ask why? What does he have to do with the overarching plot?
More importantly, why would Everglade describe in explicit, gorey detail the victims of Psycho Joe with a child right there? Once again, characteristics are important. They determine how all the characters interact with each other.
On that note, why is this story so gorey? I know I've asked this before, and you explained that you wanted to make it for adults. I get that. But ask yourself: who gets the most enjoyment out of gore? Namely, it's kids. If you want to make your story for adults, make your writing style reflect that. In other words, write it so an adult can understand it, but a child won't.
The "Dark" tag on this story seems pointless. Is there death? Yes, but it's wanton and random and so out of place in the rest of the story. Are there dark themes? Perhaps. Chupa's story was kind of dark but, as mentioned before, it's also a little unbelievable.
My suggestion, if you want a good example of Dark, go read a story called "End of Ponies" by shortskirtsandexplosions. It's very well-written, and contains truly dark themes. Fair warning, though, if you do read it: be prepared to feel highly outclassed; SS&E trumps practically every writer on this site in terms of skill. Reading his stories depresses me
Sorry, I'm rambling now...
4. So Twilight, quite literally, went *poof*. Ummm... okay.
5. Once again, the villain shows up, says some evil things, twirls his evil mustache, gives an evil laugh, and runs away... in an evil fashion. Seriously, is this guy going to actually do something soon? Or is he just going to appear every now and then to remind us that he's actually a thing?
Even in Episode 3, what was he trying to accomplish by robbing merchants? That was never explained. Presumably, he was searching for the Elements. But he already knows who they are, or at least what they look like. Why is he wasting his time doing these things?
To be evil, I suppose...
Despite the length of this comment, I assure you I did write it quickly. I could talk about all the points I've made in much more detail but, as mentioned before, I don't have the time.
Sorry for all the time between chapters. I'm doing what I can. Real life comes first.