Fifteen years ago, all but one of the mane six died or disappeared. Now, that one must put her faith in a new mane 6, before the force of the dark stars overtakes the land.
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Episode 15 is up!
Good episode... keep em coming.
Before I get into this, I just want to let you know that none of what I say is meant to be hostile. It should also be noted that, as of now, I've only read the prologue and chapter 1, though I did skip ahead to the latest chapter to confirm some suspicions.
Finally, I should mention that I am not some random person posting here. You've met me in person. I recently attended a meetup with you, and I may or may not look like Danny Avidan (I don't want to divulge my real name for obvious reasons). You may have already known who I am, but I just wanted to make sure
So without further ado, let's get into it. We'll start out with the good I've seen so far.
Despite the fact that this is practically an all OC cast, it is well-written. And by that, I mean the prose is pretty. You've got some good imagery going on, which is always nice. Normally, OC casts are a red flag for a poorly written story, barring things like Fallout: Equestria and the like. My first story featured an all OC cast and it was terribad.
Unfortunately, I can't speak for the actual characterization of these OC's as, like I mentioned before, I've only read the first chapter. So we'll leave that for a later date.
The story is interesting, even if it isn't really original. There are a ton more like it on the site, unfortunately. I'd recommend reading some of them and finding a way to make yours really special. I gotta say, though, those character deaths were pretty gruesome. I didn't expect that from you. I see now why the 'Dark' tag is up there.
Now on to the negatives. Once again, I want to reiterate that I'm not trying to be hostile here, and I apologize immensely if I come off that way.
There is far too much tell going on here, and not enough show. If you don't know what this means, it's basically when you are simply stating the way characters feel or the events that are taking place rather than actually acting them out. Doing this makes the story robotic and almost textbook-like. In other words, it's boring. For example, stuff like this:
and this:
These parts would be much better if they were done in a show-like fashion. Instead of telling us she is depressed and a recluse, show us that she is through the way she carries herself or through her physical state. If she's depressed, she probably doesn't sleep well. Mention dark, heavy bags under her eyes. And if she hasn't stepped foot outside her house in, what was it, fifteen years, then she should be far more nervous and shy than she was before all this happened. These probably aren't the best suggestions, but you get the point.
For the second example, give voice to these thoughts and feelings. Have ponies whisper amongst themselves and express their shock and awe.
This isn't to say you should never use tell-y prose. From what I've found, it's best to establish a scene or setting with tell, and then have the characters interact within it using show.
Next is purple prose, or more commonly known in this fandom as Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. It's when you use a description of a character as a tag rather than their name or a pronoun. Something like this:
We already know what Rarity looks like. We don't need to be told again. Just use "she". It might seem redundant, but it makes things flow a lot easier. In addition to that, purple prose kind of dehumanizes (deponifies?) them. It reminds people that these characters aren't actually alive, that they're just things in our heads or words on paper. And nothing knocks a reader out of their immersion faster. Describe what a character looks like when they are first introduced and then never do it again. The only other time this can be acceptable is when you have an unimportant character with no name say or do something. It's okay to refer to them as "the tan stallion" or "the purple pegasus" because we don't really care about them.
Now, from what I've seen, you aren't really bad about this. Just keep it in mind for the future.
Third, you really need more dialogue. Maybe this is just me, or maybe you're better about it in later chapters, but the paragraphs of plain text is kinda stiff. There were moments in the first part of chapter one where I thought Fluttershy was going to respond to Grace, but she never did. At least, not with actual dialogue. You only told us that she did. If this is supposed to be in the style of an episode, though, then there should be more dialogue between the characters considering that, in an episode, all of the story is revealed through dialogue.
Next is the red flags I spotted. Number one, the Alicorn OC princess. I can't really say much about her character for reasons I've already mentioned, especially considering I haven't even gotten to her yet, but this is never a good idea. Let's recount what Twilight had to do in order to get her wings: she had to gather the Elements of Harmony to fight back against a lunar tyrant bent on controlling Equestria, she had to outwit the literal incarnation of chaos, stand up against an invading army, restore a long lost empire to its former glory, and finish an age old spell written by one of the greatest unicorns who ever lived. Then she became a princess. What did Aurora Lights do? She married Prince Blueblood, someone who was proven to be boorish, pretentious and downright unlikable.
On second thought, maybe she does deserve those wings for what she has to put up with him...
Regardless, it seems like a cop out. It's obvious that Twilight and the other Princesses disappearing is important to the plot. To me, the only reason Aurora Lights exists is to maintain some sort of balance in the government, which the story would be much more interesting without. Well that, and to establish the next bearers of the Elements. Which I should mention makes absolutely no sense. She became a Princess. Fantastic. But does that mean she suddenly has intimate knowledge of the Elements of Harmony? I find that hard to believe, especially considering anyone who might have informed her about it disappeared the same day she became a Princess.
Maybe you've found some way around this and I just haven't read it yet...
Anyway, moving on. Next red flag is the character of Star Rider.
I can't tell you how much this screams of a Mary Sue. Giving her all the positives of the main 6 with none of the negatives? I just... I don't know, man. I can tell you're a decent writer, so I know that you know the importance of character flaws. They're probably there, but I haven't gotten to them yet. Barring that, though, why give her the character traits of the main 6? If this is going to be an original character, why make her like everyone else? Make her unique... or at least unique in your mind. Unfortunately, originality is dead and no matter what you do with her, it's been done a thousand times before.
Anyway, I'm done now. The rest are just little things you can't really fix, because the deed has already been done. I'll list them anyway, just for future reference:
1. Don't say "This is my first fanfiction, it may not be my best work". Don't even mention it's you're first fanfiction. It's like saying "Go easy on me". Which you never want anyone to do. If there's something wrong with your writing or story, you'd want someone to point it out, right?
Also, saying that automatically turns away some readers. If you don't think it's your best work, why should they bother reading it? It also doesn't help that most of the first fanfics people usually write are pretty bad. Saying it's your first fanfic will, in and of itself, make people decide it's bad without even reading it.
2. Don't tell us who the main character is. Yes, the prologue is in Fluttershy's perspective. But I think we can gleam from the rest of the chapters who the actual main character is. If someone asks in the comments, then you can tell them. If a lot of people ask, then you should probably rethink the way you're writing the story.
3. You seem to be putting a lot of effort into things related to this story. Like, I saw that you were recruiting for an audio version and stuff. You have a facebook page for it. Heck, you even have a website for it. And I can't stop you from doing all that stuff. But is it really worth it on a story that—and I mean this from a completely statistical point of view and with no offense whatsoever—doesn't have a big following? I get that it's cool to see your stuff spread out and all. And believe me, I wish someone would do a reading of my stories. But wouldn't your time be better focused on making this the best story possible instead of busying yourself with all this other stuff, especially when it might not yield much attention?
I'm not trying to dissuade you from doing what you want. Heck, I'd probably listen to the audio book. It just seems like a lot of work, is all
I'm done now. I think there were a couple more things, but I've forgotten them and I'm running out of time. Sorry for the wall of text. As mentioned twice before, and reiterated once again, I wasn't trying to be mean or hostile with any of this. I take writing pretty seriously and I've been told before that my criticisms can seem like attacks. This was not my intention. I just want to point out the stuff that, in my opinion, needs worked on. Whether you follow that advice is all up to you.
I will be reading the rest of this as soon as I get the chance
Hey everypony, due to just being a bit behind, I will probably get the new episode up on Saturday instead of tomorrow. I don't know if the "by 6pm" rule will count this time, since it is being a day late. Just depends on how everything goes. I might end up even changing it to Saturdays every week now with season 4 of the show being done. I shall keep everypony updated.