The Elements of Lunar Harmony

by Paganbrony

Part Four: Crouching Luna Drunken Pony.

The Elements of Lunar Harmony

Part Four: Crouching Luna Drunken Pony.

Trixie and Spitfire were laid out by a small stream that ran through woods located between Canterlot and Ponyville, the pair were trying to catch their breath after managing to escape at least temporarily those chasing them.

Celestia’s warm summer sun beat down on them and the light through the trees created a dappling effect with the light as Trixie who was led on her back exhausted from the long chase tried in vain to wiggle herself towards the cool water just inches from her nose.

The effort was too much and she gave up as her companion who was an all round athlete and captain of the Wonderbolts fared a little better managing to dip her tongue and at least lap up a mouthful or two before also giving up the ghost and just laying there.

The past three days for the pair had been desperate, without food water a map or any help they had been chased from pillar to post by the Appleloosian posse headed by the stallion Braeburn right across the Equestrian countryside between the capital and the small town of Ponyville.

Trixie was sure they had been going in circles but with Spitfires wing in a splint and Trixie’s only medical magic being for scrapes and cuts they were unable to get their bearings from the air.

The mood despite the heat was colder than a penguin called Chilly Cool McCool sat in an ice box drinking liquid nitrogen on the moon.

Spitfire despite not having a clue why the world was playing such a cruel joke on her had followed Trixie out of Canterlot and then been embroiled in this chase for three days all because a certain moon princess had asked her to journey with her student.

She didn’t know what was worse the constant running and hiding from the posse chasing them or the on edge bad tempered blue mare of a magician Trixie.

Spitfire had studied this mare between scrapes with the posse and had decided she hated every second with this scathing frustrating and indiscriminately violent magician who had so far nailed the leader of the posse no less than four times with variously devastating spells in the last three days.

Spitfire had serious respect for the one Trixie called Braeburn idly wondering if she could use that level of punishment on her teams second in command Soarin who at least in her mind was just as stupid as the intrepid cow pony.

“We should get going before we lose our lead.”

“Screw that I have to rest, my wing is hurting” the Wonderbolt replied wearily.

‘Crack’

The pair froze as the sound of a snapping twig broke the silence, as they looked around Trixie realized a mare was staggering towards them quickly her eyes unfocused and tongue lolling.

The Trixie rose up her magic charging as she summoned a fireball but was cut down mid spell as Spitfire barrelled into her causing them to collapse in an awkward pile of limbs and evaporating magic.

The oncoming mare passed right by shambling up to the stream and proceeding to immerse her whole head in the water completely ignoring the tangled pair.

Trixie roughly shoved Spitfire off of her causing the fiery Pegasus to cry out as Trixie’s hooves caught her splint, glaring venomously at the magician the Wonderbolt tended her wing as Trixie cast an eye over the still partially submerged mare a few hooves away.

Moments passed as the reddish purple colored pony with a bunch of grapes and a strawberry for a cutie mark stood stock still except for the steady rise and fall of her chest, leaving Trixie to assume she was still breathing but not quite sure how.

Slowly the head surfaced to show the expression had changed to one of contentment and as the mare turned back on herself she noticed two grubby looking mares laying on the ground staring right at her with a mixture of confusion concern and apprehension.

“Hi?”

“Hi?”

Trixie and Spitfire chorused before they exchanged looks, shrugging Trixie started blunt.

“Do you know where you are? And where is here exactly? Is there some pony taking care of you perhaps?”

“Trixie…”

The Wonderbolt hissed at the impoliteness shown to a stranger.

“What? You got a problem Spitz.”

“Don’t call me that you witch it’s your fault and Luna’s I’m here instead of keeping watch over those preschoolers who dare call themselves a team.”

(Historical Note: Although it is difficult to establish a time line over this period it is reasonable to assume that at that precise moment the preschoolers in question were still partying.

However the size of the gathering had grown substantially over the three days and was now encompassing the entire HQ and training field some of which was now taken up by an immense statue of Spitfire with flame colored clouds for a mane and tail with the body made out of empty beer cans.

The impressive statue was made all the more striking thanks to the inventive nature of a local post grad unicorn who had used his magic to make it continuously breathe fire and in a deep voice call out REMEMBER ME!.)

Trixie bit back her own sense of unfairly being hoisted from her life and focused her rage at the equally hayed off Wonderbolt in front of her, as the pair went face to face while continuing to slander each other and complain about the injustice they almost failed to notice the other mare collapse suddenly.

“H-Hey are you ok?” both mares quickly forgot their excessive differences and rushed to check the fallen pony.

The mare burped as her eyes fluttered open and she threw up, it was if a geyser had erupted in this mare and Spitfire and Trixie caught it full frontal.

On the other side of the woods and busy bandaging the latest burns and contusions Braeburn was chilled to the bone by the most hideous screams imaginable it sounded like two demons being tortured in a cacophony of anguish.

“I said I was sorry!”

The mare had eventually recovered enough to speak and was meekly attempting to apologize to the livid mares stood looking both angry and shocked at the same time.

After some persuasion she managed to get them to follow her to a nearby roadside inn that her father owned and she was currently visiting.

After several hours of immersion, scrubbing and lots more water and soap Spitfire emerged feeling at least somewhat recovered but Trixie was still cleaning herself relentlessly and in the last several hours had introduced with her loud voice to all of the inns occupants all of the expletives she’d learned on her travels which were extensive and detailed.

Eventually the pair was sat in the dining room slash bar when the slightly healthier looking mare that had brought them there reappeared looking a bit less plastered than when they met her and finally introduced herself as Berry Punch.
A winemaker from Ponyville she’d fallen ill after drinking at a best cider contest and decided on the way home to dunk her head in the local stream to cool off.

Judging by her stomach contents that had been thoroughly dealt with by the fugitives they exchanged glances when Berry Punch looked away momentarily as Trixie made a gesture with her hoof to imply Berry had been more than a little drunk, annoyed Spitfire frowned at her rudeness despite her agreement.

“So what about you two, why were you two out in the woods?”

The magician and the Wonderbolt went silent and didn’t answer as Berry Punch sat and faster than the equine eye produced three glasses and a ruby colored bottle that bore her cutie mark on the label.

“My own creation, How about drinks on the house to say sorry for…”

Berry tailed off as the reminder made the pair scowl at her, instead she silently poured them each a drink and sat down again smiling she barely had settled in place before her drink had disappeared and she began pouring the next one.

Trixie snorted as she downed her own drink slamming the empty glass back down but as she swallowed the strength of the wine hit her full on and as she fought for breath choking she blinked back tears.

“Y-You… Trying to k-kill me…”

Berry gave Trixie a quizzical look as she finished off her third drink and shrugged her demeanor rapidly changing as she was obviously fast becoming even more inebriated.

Trixie had barely regained control of her voice when she spied Spitfires glass which remained untouched on the table, fixing her with a look of ‘your turn’ the blue mare waited for the Wonderbolt to drink.

“What’s the matter Spitz not old enough to drink?”

Spitfire snarled as she replied, the contempt for Trixie boiling over in her voice.

“Wonderbolt remember, I can’t drink it’s the teams rules, my rules.”

“Do you think your team is being as ‘dedicated’ as you O’ Wonder captain…”

Spitfire looked at Trixie, then Berry, and then into the bottom of the glass.

As night settled in and the lights were lit in the inn by Berry’s father the trio of mares were alone in the bar, thanks in part to their constant arguing and raucous laughter but they were finally beginning to relax thanks mostly to the incredibly strong wine being served up by the now intoxicated Berry.

Berry who had been reasonably quiet right up until the fifth drink changed into a completely different mare, strong willed confident brash and happy in a way Trixie had believed impossible without some sort of magic dust.

Eventually Trixie took the barrage of hints from Berry concerning their earlier predicament so she reluctantly after a nod from Spitfire relayed her side before the Wonderbolt did the same.

Berry attempted to focus on the four mares in front of her and hiccuped causing all four to hit the deck just in case, as they resumed their seats Berry spoke in a slurred yet excited voice,

“So you’re on a mission for the moon princess which in the process she robbed a bank Trixie’s been chased all the way from Appleloosa, Spitfires worried about her team and you’re both being chased by a posse led by Trixie’s ex because you assaulted Celestia with her mail? Cool.”

“Nooo you drunken foal Braeburn’s not my ex just some pony I liked but is an idiot and it was Luna we assaulted not Celestia and I don’t know whose mail it was! Wait that’s not right..?” now she was confused and more than a little tipsy Trixie face-hoofed.

“So you attacked your own teacher..? Trixie that’s like wow! Is she that bad a mentor? But you said this stallion’s chased you all the way here to bring you your mail and you blew him up! That’s a bit cold isn’t it?”

“Oh shut up,” Trixie replied knackered out by the exchange and mildly annoyed at Spitfire who was giggling like a school filly with a rosy tint around her cheeks as she made it to half way through her fourth glass.

Trixie who’d had seven glanced at Berry who only Spellbinder knew how many she’d had at this point but each one continued to fuel her as she became yet more animated, Trixie could feel an almost tangible energy around this strangely welcoming and friendly if a little shot away mare.

“It sounds like fun despite you hitting your ex and robbing a princess to open a bank?”

Trixie just sighed but couldn’t help but think about what she was supposedly doing way out here with captain tight flank and a two sided lop sided pony.

(Historical Note: Trixie herself has on many occasions since refuted Berry Punches claim about what happened next but even Spitfire agrees it was the first time Trixie did something that didn’t make her want to throttle her relentlessly until she quit moving.)

“Do you want to come with Trixie and Spitfire on our journey?”

Flim and Flam the brothers who had invented the super speedy cider squeezy 6000 were on their way out of Ponyville with their tails between their legs after losing a cider making contest at the sweet apple acres farmstead.

After a slow start they were on their way with their half land train half cider factory and despite the late hour were making progress towards the roadside inn they had stayed in on their way to Ponyville, but as the brothers slowly guided the giant machine down the country road they passed a most curious sight heading towards Ponyville.

Berry Punch that innkeepers daughter they’d met before was hooked up to a cart in which sat two other mares one blue with a silver mane and what Flam was sure was the captain of the Wonderbolts all three were singing a rude folk song at the top of their lungs.

“Hey Trixie do you know she’s a Whorse?”

Berry called out and the blue mare obliged joined by a completely out of tune and obviously plastered yellow mare Flam was now convinced looked just like the Wonderbolt pin up Flim kept hidden in his clothes trunk (Flam blushed as he thought about the one of Soarin in his trunk).

As the mares continued slowly towards Ponyville the brothers exchanged puzzled looks as they too continued on too depressed to appreciate the merry scene they had just witnessed.

That was until they pulled up at the inn where they were met by a dogged looking bunch of cow ponies led by what appeared to be a walking advert for band aids and gauze with a Stetson who introduced himself as Braeburn Duly appointed Deputy of Appleloosa.

“Have either you two seen this felon and her accomplice who are wanted for a bank robbery and assaulting a princess of Equestria!”

Flam took the wanted poster one of the group offered up and in the poor lighting from the inn the pair studied the badly drawn approximations of the two criminals.

“The criminals name is Trixie we haven’t established the accomplices name yet.”

“Did you say Trixie? We just passed three drunk mares in a cart one was the innkeepers daughter she called the blue mare Trixie the other looked like a Wonderbolt I thought,” Flam was lifted bodily out of his seat as Braeburn got right up face to face with him a crazed look in his eye.

“WHERE WAS THIS..?”

Flam gulped and pointed back down the road, “That way maybe ten minutes..?”

Berry was slowing down as the booze started to wear off and Trixie and Spitfire had ceased singing and were swapping stories about their lives as Berry continued to plod along humming but increasingly feeling the burn.

Instead of staying at the inn Berry had offered to hide the pair at her place while they decided what to do next, packing supplies (mostly wine) and food (meaning snack food biscuits and nibbles etc) they had left the inn in high spirits.

Trixie and Spitfire were thrown to the floor as the cart lurched to a stop, as the two surprised mares untangled themselves from each other sharing a drunken blush and apologizing profusely they looked at the front of the cart where snores could be clearly heard.

As Trixie attempted to rouse Berry, Spitfire leaned back gingerly due to her wing which was aching slightly.

Spitfire perked up as she realized it was the kind of twinge she got when she was in danger when flying?

Then a faint noise reached her ears and upon looking back up the road her jaw dropped before she recovered and turned around frantically.

“TRIXIE LOOK… THERE BEHIND US!!!”

The blue mare turned and cursed as she focused on what had upset Spitfire.

A revitalized Braeburn forelegs crossed his Stetsons brim flapping in the wind stood precariously on his hind legs atop what looked like a multi colored runaway train being driven by half of a barbershop quartet and decorated by his posse who resembled the pirates of pony legend clinging to the sides of the monstrous machine hollering and waving their forelegs menacingly.

“Berry wake up!”

Trixie cursed as the comatose pony merely snuffled and continued snoring, turning back to the carts interior Trixie began rummaging in the crate of bottles they’d brought with them.

“What are you doing? They’re going to catch us for sure, Do something Trixie..?”

“THERE… I GOT YOU!!!”

The bottle came free from the crate and as Trixie uncorked it with her magic she turned back to Berry.

“What good’s that going to do idiot we’re done for.”

Trixie ignored Spitfire and tried unsuccessfully to force feed Berry the Booze but couldn’t get her mouth open and pour the bottle at the same time her magic control not so hot under the influence.

Infuriated and continuing to ignore the now pleading Spitfire Trixie twigged what had to happen, apologizing quickly to the sleeping pony she whispered

“I’m sorry but we’ve got to get out of here.”

Rearing up Trixie came down hard and bit Berry Punch on the strawberry (on her cutie mark perverts).

Berry woke instantly and in a soft and gentle way cried out in surprise giving Trixie a look of hurt and surrender, she was about to start crying when Trixie jammed the bottle halfway down her throat and kept it there as the contents were poured straight down her throat.

Spitfire watched as the innocent look drained from Berry’s face and was replaced slowly by a lopsided smile unfocused eyes and with a rapid beating of her chest with her forelegs screaming “CHAARRGE” she moved, oh hay did she move as Trixie and Spitfire were once again thrown to the cart floor as the instant acceleration flattened them.

“What the horse feathers did you give her Trixie?”

The blue mare smiled as she magically held up the bottle she’d used which had a different cutie mark as a symbol than the one’s they’d been drinking with Berry’s mark.

“When she was packing the crate I asked her about it and she said she had something that would knock the socks off you and give a special kind of boost...”

“I never wear socks…”

Spitfire blushed slightly as Trixie smiled wickedly and leaned in she replied in a teasing tone,

“All ponies wear socks”.

Braeburn was furious, just as they had caught up it seemed the mare pulling the cart had stopped but in an instant suddenly shot off like a jack rabbit and despite the best efforts of the brothers Flim and Flam was pulling away at a fair lick.

“Faster!” Braeburn hollered for the brothers to accelerate but already reaching top speed the super 6000 was beginning to shake abnormally and beginning to smoke, they refused.
Undeterred Braeburn signaled his posse to throw them off if they refused again so after hastily agreeing to do as he said but with a prayer to Celestia they reluctantly increased it to maximum.

Despite the incredible speed of the mare pulling the cart the super 6000 was gradually gaining and as Trixie and Spitfire popped their heads over the back of the cart they could see Braeburn was now less than three or four cart lengths behind.

Trixie tried a spell but the rough surface of the road coupled with blurred vision knocked her aim off and the spell flew off target hitting a random posse member who was thrown from the train and disappeared into the bushes on the edge of road, Berry seemed to be automatically running on invisible rails on the road as Trixie took that second longer to aim her next shot.

“Recover from this bruise Braeburn Apple!”

The shot flew straight and true as Braeburn ducked the spell which flew over him and he dignified it with blowing a raspberry at Trixie until he realized she was smiling a little too much for her to have missed her intended target.

“Have a nice flight my little apple” Trixie’s use of her pet name for him panicked Braeburn and with a glance behind him confirmed his worst fears as the Flimflam Brothers sat in their seats with their hooves held in the air right where the controls had been only seconds ago before they disappeared in a flash of bright blue magic.

As Berry took the sharp left turn in the road at speed Trixie waved smugly and Spitfire saluted as the super 6000 carried straight on, Braeburn saluted no pony in particular as the Flimflam brothers hugged each other the posse however had the good sense to jump clear.

The super speedy cider squeezy 6000 sailed majestically into the night over the cliff that the turn avoided and so disappeared, both Trixie and Spitfire continued waving even when the following explosion illuminated the night and as the cloud of smoke and debris turned distinctly mushroom shaped.

The cart carried on into the night towards Ponyville and as Trixie settled down she briefly considered her previous encounters in this town but brushed that aside as Spitfire also led down and as the cart rocked along they drifted off peacefully.

The last of the dirt and debris had come back down and settled as the posse reached the wreckage and were joined by their separated member who had unfortunately landed in stinging nettles then rolled into brambles before finally being stopped by a carelessly mislaid by the roadside bag of salt.

Despite the pain he’d tenderly made his way to the huge blast zone created by a volatile mix of booze, fumes and steam power.

As the posse collectively removed their hats a lone hoof punched through the dirt and like a phoenix rising Braeburn rose from the ground and after recovering his hat looked off into the distance and pronounced loudly for all to hear.

“Ah’m gonna get those mares if it’s the last thing ah do!”

After a few moments the posse picked him up and carried him back towards the inn since he’d passed out still stood heroically after he’d finished talking.

Flam dragged his unconscious brother out of the wreckage just as the posse moved off; throwing Flim over his back he followed swearing they would get their revenge or at least compensation.

Flam thought if that was really Spitfire then maybe he could be introduced to Soarin? He began whistling as for him (and his brother, of course) the chase was on.

Ponyville slept on despite the explosion blissfully unaware of unfolding events (due in part to the river of cider consumed by its residents at the cider contest throughout the day) and as Berry Spitfire and Trixie passed through the main street no one celebrated the return of the once great and powerful Trixie.