Improvement is a dire mistress.
When Fluttershy smells something incredible come her way, she can only transform and investigate as animalistic as possible. She soon finds what she is looking for. It seems to be Princess Luna with delicious Zap Apples and she has a story to tell. Something that pertains to her past and her real origins as a ruler.
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Saw your post on I just want a comment. Well, I am happy to give you your first one. Hazzah! I really liked the premise of your story. It's cool to have Luna as some awesome bat pony. I love bats! Anywho, I thought it was a creative idea, and I enjoyed the way she drew Fluttershy in.
The execution could use a little work, maybe that's where the dislikes are coming from? I dunno... The pacing needs help, I feel it needs some build up and fleshing out, especially in the middle with the flashback, but also in the beginning with Fluttershy. Your word choice was a little off in places, and made it difficult to read through at times. Also, you used said-isms which are needlessly distracting for readers. You don't have to put tag words like said, asked, replied, etc after dialogue, it just is redundant. The whole part with the flashback came out of nowhere and just wasn't believable. It ought to be a good chapter all it's own. But maybe that's my natural inclination for slow paced stories talking. Fluttershy's sleep powers also came out of nowhere, and honestly were a little hard to follow. I think you ought to take a chapter before this to flesh out Fluttershy's secret life as a bat pony more and then dive into the Luna part.
Anywho, those are my ramblings. Hope they help. Feel free to PM me if you want a more detailed rant. I enjoyed the story. Thanks for posting!
Wow...this was good! I like your writing
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Thanks, input really helps.
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hopes there moar!
This was an interesting read. I agree the pacing seems off and setting and characterization could use a bit more fleshing out, but it was still enjoyable to read.
Another suggestion would be to somehow differentiate the scene changes, such as going from the memory to the present scene.
Not much more I can add that BluegrassBrooke has already said. :)
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The only amendment I would suggest to that is to include said-isms when you have more than two characters in dialogue. That way there is no confusion on who is speaking the line. Now if it comes down to two speaking, then yes avoid said-isms but I would suggest having them available when you have more speaking together.
Edit: An amendment to my amendment: it can be argued that said-isms can be used between two characters but best only done when you want to describe how they are speaking the line of dialogue. Examples would be: bluntly, crossly, happily, etc. However, do not do this too often as it will fall under 'Telling' too much rather than 'Showing'
Bleedin- If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer them.