With no warning, the might of the Griffon kingdom descends upon Equestria. Twilight, in her desperation, teleports Spike as far away from the conflict as she can in the hope of saving his life. Completely lost for the first time in his life, Spike must learn how to survive in the world alone.
But, when he finds out about the fate of Equestria and what could possibly be happening to his friends, can Spike realize the true might that comes with being a dragon? And will it be enough to help him reclaim the only treasures he ever allowed himself to hoard: his friends?
****Alt Uni tag for heavy use of Draconic abilities and lore outside of the MLP universe because, well, the MLP universe doesn't really have any of it's own.****
**Giant super awesome mega thanks to my amazing editor Idylia
He's going to die.
Seeing as how the chapter is called "prologue," not everything is meant to be explained in one go. Nonetheless, I remain a bit lost. While there were a few show references strewn in here and there to help orient me with around when this would take place in the original universe, the lack of descriptions had me imagine a mostly white space or an empty stage for Spike and Twilight to be. I understood where you'd most likely be placing them, but...yeah.
There's definitely exposition: telling the reader what's going on, and mostly Twilight-driven dialogue that's supposed to set the intrigue, pushing the scene along toward what will be chapter one. But despite what is obviously supposed to be a frenetic, confusing situation for Spike, it would have served you well to ground the reader in the scene prior to Spike being transported just as you did (for the most part) after the teleportation.
One such example would be the narration telling the reader that Spike shouted out Twilight's name. It would have been more emotionally gripping to spend the time to do that scene so we can connect to his distress, rather than rely on preconceived empathy from the show or other stories/fanworks. Poignantly having Spike and Twilight call each other "mother" and "son" respectfully, just moments before they're separated does not necessarily make a sympathetic scene, either.
To me there was a lot more effort put in after the line break than before it. There's more internalization on Spike's part, whereas before the line break the attention switches between Spike and Twilight somewhat, muddling what the perspective is supposed to be and robbing the momentum of its drive. In other words, the anxiety of Spike being sent away without so much as an explanation is sort of sapped by you not focusing entirely from Spike's point of view (I don't mean to make it 1st POV, by the by).
There are grammar mistakes which a look-through or two can fix easily enough. The overuse of semi-colons was a bit harder to stomach, though. I wish you all the luck in world building!
Based on the JoJo-rrific picture this is supposed to be "anthro" as well? Otherwise that's just false advertising.
3733830
Wow, the story is about him and he's going to die- not even in the first chapter, but the prologue, this ain't Game of Thrones bud.... But if he did that would be the twist-iest plot twist the world would have ever seen... Ever. So while I don't confer with your cynicism, that shit would have been mind blowing to see anyway.
3733841 The first half was a bit of an experiment on my part with pacing, I couldn't work out a way of doing it I felt 100% ok with so I settle for what my gut didn't immediately hate. You make a lot of good points sir and I will take them all into consideration as I push forward on this little (it's actually huge) project. I'll let my editor know about the grammar mistakes, she edited this in about an hour while holiday so I wasn't expecting it to be perfect.
The world building is actually taking up most of my writing at this point. I have very little in the way of character to character interaction written but I have over 40k words of world building for the Griffons and Occupied Equestria. Many notes will be gone over during this course of writing this fic.
As far as the cover art and the anthro tag, I feel like that image is simply what spike would look like as a young dragon so I don't feel the need for an anthro tag. Plus I just think ss2sonic does amazing Spike art.
Excited to see you post this, man. Can't wait for more of this sure to be kickass story
3735433 Don't you even start with me Idylia.
Who the hell put this in every goddamn folder?
3736046 I'm not entirely sure what you mean.
Dude, Wtf? I didnt even read the first part and you say That Twilight is his mother?
Goddamnit! Lauren Faust said herself that CELESTIA took care of her not Twilight!
I really hope you edit that.
3736063
Someone put this in every folder.
3736066 it is labeled alt uni man.
3736087
It has every tag but alt uni and anthro.
Well that what is says at my comp
3736087
Im gonna go and restart and check what's up.
3736101 then we are seeing very different tags
This is adventure alt uni and nothing else
3736120
Oh shit, now am seeing it too.
The fuck happend with the thags?
3736225 No idea man, sorry you got confused, I hope it didn't ruin the story for you.
3733830 I just finished your most recent chapter of malideas and I come to this story to find your reading and not finishing the next chapter which you said you said that you would finish today... for shame... for shame.
3734043 I'm gonna let this story get a few more chapters until I dig in. Good luck dude
I'll give it a hesitant favorite. It does have some promise. Typewriter highlighted most of my worries already, so I won't go into much other than this is going to be a very character-driven story. If you intend for him to go the route of Samurai Jack and learn form the world's masters, remember it's going to be character driven more than anything else. Spike's own internal struggles, from the heartbreak of being sent away to the looming sense that he may never see his friends again, will all take their toll in some respect. You're going to need some pretty ninja moves for this one.
I like it,write more!
3737250 Well I'll do the best I can to take you from hesitant favorite to just plain favorite
.
I plan to split the narrative between 3 different story driving characters which will hopefully at some point (If I do indeed have ninja moves) all come together in a big 3rd act. This is the first fic of this scale I've ever tried to write so I'm in the same boat I think some of you other hesitant readers are. Just grab on tight and lets see where this story takes us.
Most certainly liked it... big fat tearjerker already...
3737658 Glad you enjoyed it! Expect to experience a wide range of emotions before this train reaches it's final destination.
color me interested
all of my yeses a first for me and.. rainbow and applejack aren't the type to let an invasion go as planed without fighting...are they still alive?
but a like and fav from me
3738983 You'll just have to wait and see!
Well... You got my attention
3739120 i cant!
but what kinda updater are you? just wondering
3740704 I'm currently I'd say 1/4th of the way done with the next chapter. I'm currently working on notes for the over all world building in addition to writing the chapters for you good people. Chapter 1 should be up in the next day or so.
3740714 excellent
This seems a little like my story, except mine is quite a bit detached in comparison.
I like it though.
3740872 ohhhh I'll def give your story a read through at some point than. I love any form of fiction where Spike and dragons in general get more love.
I haven't gotten to him yet, but when I do, I'll be spending a very long time on them.
3740911
3740919 Ah, I look forward to it! How if you'll excuse me I have to go write about Spike having a moral dilemma.
3740957 HELL YEAH! In return you get the song that inspired this entire story.
3741038 Best. Night. Ever.
3741042 Your life goal, Achieved!
3741073 My life goal is getting the some 100k+ words this fic will be out so all of you amazing people can enjoy it! I seriously never expected this fic to get more than like 10 views but now that I know I've got amazing people wanting more I'm even more pumped to keep writing.
Spike getting stronger and returning to rescue his friends? I suddenly have a strong desire to see Spike become something like Eva 13:
wiki.evageeks.org/images/4/43/Eva3-33_C1419_comp.jpg
3741878 Stick around then my friend. You might just get to see something like that.
Okay. From what I can gather, Equestria has been taken over by avian creatures (more than likely Griffons). Just before she was caught, she packed up Spike's belongings and teleported him away from there just before she was captured. Poor Spike. So, how long of a time skip are you going to do or are you going to show Spike growing up in the wild? I also hope the Mane Six survives that long. At least Twilight.
*Siniff*
Do you smell it?
*Siniff*
It's a smelly smell...
*Siniff*
A smelly smell that smells...
*Siniff*
...kinda smelly.
*Siniff*
I SMELL POTENTIAL!
*Clicks Like and favorite*
3746694 The description kind of you know... says Griffons
As far as time skips go I do plan to have one and it will be quite the skip but if I attempted to write out the entire time span everyone would lose interest. I won't say much about the mane 6 but we may or may not be seeing some of the story from Twi's perspective.
3733956 shout out to Apple.mov in that prof pic
I'll definitely be adding this to my faves list. I need to know the story and lore for this.
SUNLIGHT FRIENDSHIP OVERDRIIIIIVUUUUUH (gonna read it)
edit, after reading-
alright, has some promise and I love stories that center in spike and or gryphons (at least as a side in a war, it's ok). I'm very glad that the spike-jojo image attracted me.
good luck with the story
3733830 Says the guy who sends a hater on a random murder spree that dosen't make any sense :P
Mentally changing "my son" to Spike...
...and also adding a comma before that.
Mentally changing "mother" to Twilight.
It's not you, Madness. It's just that I tend to think of Twilight and Spike as more brother and sister than mother and son. Also, Celestia raised Spike, according to [url=tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WordOfGod]Word of God, so if anyone would be his 'mother,' it would be her.
Also, the comments section in this chapter is larger than the story itself. I'm sorry, but WHAAT??!!
3754887 You can do whatever you like man if it makes the story more readable for you but I will continue to have them refer to each other as mother and son. As far as what canon says about who raised Spike, that is why I slapped the Alt Universe tag on this bad boy, gives me free reign to do anything I want the way I wanna do it.
Do whatever it takes to get your friends back, Spike, whatever it takes!