Maiara has never known of the world of ponies, and only a hoof full of ponies in all of equestria has any idea what a human is, and out of those, only one knows one of the princesses personally. Lyra Hearstrings and crew set sail, and come across a tiny island far to the east of Equestria, and the two species officially meet for the first time! What will happen?
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At first glance (a quick one) I thought it said "Malaria" in the title.
Edit: After reading this, I can honestly say that I like the premise of the story, being a fan of the human in Equestria genre. However, there's quite a bit that needs polishing, and I would suggest working with an editor/proofreader to help with some of the inconsistencies in your story. I am going to add this to my favorites to keep an eye on it and see how it pans out.
3687685 Hehe, don't worry dear, I wrote Malaria more than once when I was writing it.
3687685 What sort of inconsistencies do you mean?
Not bad. Concept is very good, the pony characters are all right, but the humans seem a little flat at the moment. It is just the start of the story so that could be forgiven... But I think the main issue is that this story seems flat and a little awkward here and there.
Here is what I see. A few grammar mistakes. Things like possesiveness problems, a few missing verbs, and a few run on sentences. The biggest thing seems to be that you are just a little too flat and fast with the delivery.
I do not want to be mean. I do think the characters and story could go places. An example of this flatness is you could have waited longer on introducing how Discord did what he did. Maybe left it a bit of a surprise as he toyed with Twilight or he told it as a story to her. Honestly the options are endless on how that could have been introduced there but you just told the readers what happened from the get go. That seems to happen alot in this story so far.
As another example of some of your paragraphs that come off a bit awkward sounding would be the way wordsmithing was introduced. The way it was described left me wondering at first if Maiara was just witnessing writing for the first time. I think that is what the other poster meant about inconsistencies. It was not inconsistent. Just a little flat and awkward in it's delivery. Maybe a little more internal monologue by Maiara could have left the reader with a little clearer picture of what was going on.
The flat delivery makes the story go by a bit too fast for what is going on and I think is the main problem with the story.
3763315 I appreciate your concerns, and trust me I'll keep them in mind when I write the next chapter, but what I wanted was to set up the conflict as soon as possible, that being Maiara's betrayal of her tribe. We'll be getting more pathos in the chapters to come, and I'll deal with the character progression as it comes. As for Discord creating the human race, it won't exactly play a big part in the story, I set up plot threads in chapter 2 that I'll be focusing on more than Discord's hand in Maiara's existence, I just wanted to give the lovely people reading something fun since I won't be able to post as often as I'd like in the coming weeks. My grammar, however, is entirely my fault, and I apologize for that, it's simply the way I type. Frankly if I didn't have spell and grammar checker this story would look positively awful. I'll try to polish it up as best I can in the next few chapters.
No comments?? Le Gasp!!
I fix this
Looking forward to how this story progresses
4482610 Hehe, why thank you for fixing the comment problem, and just to let ya know I'll try to get a new chapter out every other week or so.
I am intrigued by this story (is using compricated wurds to sound smurt) continuing to read it would fill my internal organs with joyous fluids.
Da fuck.
...No really I do actually want to see this advntr advance. you have my like, GIV ET BAK! *childishly tries to reclaim the mythic "like"*
Btw, nostalgia critic.