A brony that is into Steampunk
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This story is a sequel to Discord Wars Side Story: Reunion
Since her return Luna has secretly set up an organisation within the governments of the nations of Equestria, ready to obey any orders given. Now in the wake of a huge fight with her sister, Luna, along with her long lost daughter, shall cease control of the kingdom and bring an end to Celestia's reign.
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I think this should've been a bit more...expanded. Maybe a prequel to this, expand the story as a whole. I don't know. Just seems a bit rushed.
This fiction is so extremely rushed, that it seems a little hard to imagine this continuing. I mean, the first scene just says: Celestia and luna had a huge fight.
Over what? Power? Leadership? I mean, there's no backstory, and the fiction just implies they had a fight and sent off the order that turned all active Clone Troopers against the Galactic Republic. So it kinda seems that the Royal Guard will turn against Celestia, including the Mane Six and a few other unnecessary characters (*Cough* Iron Will).
Well, I wish best regards for this fiction if it can improve from where it's at.
-ShadowFall
3666264 I just made this as a short one shot because I was board I don't have plans to expand it.
I made Iron will the leader of the Minotaurs so he was there to lead his people against Celestia.
Kind of like Episode III of Star Wars.
3666442 What gave you that Idea?
Interesting. But, as some of the others have stated it is rushed other than that good idea
3666452
Order 66 was Palpatine's order to kill the jedi in Revenge of the Sith. But I do like the twist you put on it, instead of a Empire, Luna and Twilight started the Lunar Republic. Also I get the feeling Blueblood would start a Rebellion against Luna and Twilight and start a Civil War if you made a Sequel to this.
3666775 I was being sarcastic.
3666842 I knew that
but anyways, it is a good story and should have a sequel to it
While i do believe this story is rushed and would be better multi chaptered and flushed out for what it is i love it. I'm not a big fan of the Lunar Republic and Solar Empire but i love this story for what it is.
What about? What was said? How violent did it get? Was it screaming and shouting, did it come to blows?
These are the details you, as a writer, need to show the reader, by writing out a scene in which this fight takes place, rather than simply tell the reader it happened. Telling the reader they had a fight is meaningless. For there to be any emotional impact, the reader needs to be shown the fight the sisters had.
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised.
thought
As for the rest of this sentence...
You have a borderline run-on sentence here. That needs to be addressed.
Again, this would be more impactful if we knew what kind of fight they had. For all we know, they fought over the last biscuit at tea.
bearing
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
Missing comma after said.
mares'
bearing
lady," they
Missing comma after them.
donning
Missing comma after Soarin.
I'm guessing that was supposed to be "while"...
Delete this comma.
bearing
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after himself.
service
the day's
Scroll should not be capitalised.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after herself.
Applejack is a Southerner, not a medieval peasant.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
Missing comma after asked.
Abbreviated words require apostrophes to indicate the point at which the word is abbreviated.
is all," she said,
"Goodbye" is one word.
Spike
Missing comma after curiously.
“Let me see that,” Twilight said, taking it from Spike and reading it.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised.
In order of redtext:
1. This comma needs to be a period. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence.
2. Library should not be capitalised, and "well" should be "while".
3. Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised.
4. Train Station should not be capitalised.
Train should not be capitalised.
This entire sentence is a run-on with a multitude of punctuation errors. This is how it SHOULD read:
Spotting Applejack, she walked over to her. The two mares nodded to each, other both knowing what was about to happen.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
Never use the abbreviation "OK" in prose. Spell out "okay".
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
1. That 'before' should be deleted as it's unnecessary and makes the second 'before', which IS necessary, redundant.
2. "Goodbye" is one word.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
hand out
while
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. "The" should not be capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
"So" should be capitalised as it is the beginning of a new sentence.
paperwork
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
comes
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
You need a comma after asked.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here.
Blueblood
from entering the Palace.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after Sister and after said.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
"No, sister, this cannot wait!" she said, stomping her hoof hard enough to crack the floor. Celestia finally looked up from her paperwork.
asked, seeing
Comma after 'resignation'. Also, just delete 'Luna explained'; it's extraneous.
1. That first question mark should be a period.
2. 'our'
3. You need a comma after 'asked'.
rule
Even if you did mean destinies, you still misspelled it, but I think you meant decisions.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. "The" should not be capitalised.
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after said.
A pronoun at the beginning of an attributive is not capitalised. Also, you need a comma after asked.
said, beginning
Attributed dialogue should never end in a period. Use a comma here. Also, you need a comma after said.
she asked,
she seethed
faithful
,” the
explained, nuzzling
Kingdom,” Celestia said,
she asked, confused.
Bringing
crowd
Minotaurs
they're shouting,”
understand,” Celestia said, shaking
straight up
sun,” she said as she ignited
time: step
“…Abdicate,” she said,
“Good,” Luna said, smiling.
an Earth pony and a Unicorn,
“This way,”
before they walked
subjects,” Luna
with it Equestria
she said,
crowd
applause,” Cadence said,
crowd
OK, that's all the errors I could catch. I'm sure I missed a few.
Now, on to my thoughts:
As has been mentioned, this story is very rushed. It also makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It's awkwardly shoehorning the Order 66 sequence from Episode III into My Little Pony without any surrounding context and expecting it to stand on its own. No. The little explanation you made up for the whole thing is nonsensical fanon ramblings stolen from a dozen or more other stories, wrapped up in a burrito of bad grammar and zero proofreading.
You need a LOT of practice to become a decent writer. This story is a poor effort, and the complete lack of proofreading shows very little pride in your work.
Long live our mother, Queen Luna!!! May she guide her Children of the Night forever!!! And those who are insane or uncontempt enough to oppose to our mother's prosperous and fair reign, shall be considered traitor of the Republic and shall be judged by the Queen and her court!!! And their sentence shall deppend on how much harm their betrayal has caused to the kingdom and to the other Children of the Night!!!
3668420 don't really see how that relates the story.
3666941 I have no plans for a sequel but if you want to write one for it go a head.
I'm planning on writing a sequel to this story. If anyone wants to help post a reply.
3859286 Drop me a link when it's published.
Best paraody of SW ep 3 order 66 scene
3993992 Thanks.
3859392 Can I have help with writing the sequel please?
4006429 sure what do you need help with?
4006603 how should i start it? it is based on my fanfic character Charming Thunder and the Zann Consortium from Star Wars Empire at War.
4006718 Never played Star Wars Empire at War.
So what do you have for the plot?
4006754 Luna has finally taken her sister's throne as queen of Equestria and Charming Thunder plots to help take it back with the help of the Zann Consortium. Charming Thunder plans to use his memory spell to wipe the memory of believing that Twilight is the daughter of Luna in order to restore peace to Equestria.
4006815 I would start it off with Charming Thunder doing a small internal monologue explaining why he and the Zann Consortium are rebelling agents Luna. To make things a little less confusing I wouldn't use the same Zann Consortium from Star Wars Empire at War and just have it that that's the name of the rebels and make the leader Blueblood or at lest make him a part of it as well as Princess Cadence (unbeknownst to Shinning Armor).
Also remember that Celestia is still a live, she's just under house arrest.
4006857 I could change the name if that is fine.
4007173 Do what ever you think is right.
4007215 So far I wrote an opening crawl as a prologue to the story. It is similar to a Star Wars opening crawl. If you want I can post what I have written so you can critique it.
4026739 Send it to me in a PM.
3859392 Here ya go: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/171758/fall-of-the-new-lunar-republic
4029311 Thanks.
Not bad, but kind of meh. I was hoping for 'so its treason then' from Celestia, who then proceeds to dice up whoever confronted her. I kind of like the idea of her having slipped into darkness at some point in the thousand years after banishing Luna. As Kreia put it:
"It is such a quiet thing, to fall. But far more terrible is to admit it."
luna is just stupid over being told her opinion doesn't matter its true because in the world of politics you would never put a young inexperienced person in the game because they could run the risk of getting the country destroyed
so luna stop being a little bitch who when doesn't get there way they decide to have a coup d'etat
otherwise good story
4897359 You forget that: A) She's over 1000 years old. And B) She used to rule Equestria with Celestia before she turned into Nightmare Moon and was banished.
4899160 a)but in the time she was away the game of politics must shifted intensely because with the rise and fall of the other mortal leaders
B)it would make sense not to put your former enemy in a position of power because they could drastically change what ever plan you had and w/ luna formerly being NMM she might have her own agenda
4899492 And instead of helping her sister adjust to the new political world she just lied to and belittled her. And as you can see Luna did have her own agenda which was uniting all the kingdoms together. Had Celestia actualy let her have more of a say and told her the truth then maybe she too could have shared in the glory of the unity instead of being forced to abdicate.
4899565 true true but i believe luna could have handled this scenario better then going all out w/ a coup d'etat and beside why didn't the Royal Guard do anything because technically Shinning is no longer the captain of the Guard
4900408 It was something that had been building up for a while. The fight was just the last straw.
The guards were taken by surprise when their Lunar guard counterparts turned on them and some of them were a part of the organisation mentioned in the description that Luna set up.
4900479 kk
my god i love te referances in this espesialy the blueblood part but blueblood inno way is a bale organa and i like the cadence part good story
5348742 thank you.
Ehh... Everything feels forced; but it is an adaptation of something else after all.
But honestly, Luna seems a bit stupid. If she wanted to be a queen she shouldn't have found3d the lunar republic... GG Luna.
5629668 Technically a republic can have a queen if that's what they decide to call their leader. I mean Canada is a democracy just like the states but we call our leader a Prime Minister instead of a President. Also they could be a republic like Sparta was where the majority of the power resides in a senate made up of the heads of the family households (or war veterans in sparta's case) which takes care of the internal affairs such as taxes, the justice system, and whether or not the king should stay in power. But still have a king who would deal with things such as the military, foreign dignitaries and settling anything that the senate can't.
5630306 Are you sure? As far as I know, A republic have a president, while monarchy have kings (and prime ministers)
Canada is a constitutional monarchy though. #wikipedia_knows_best
Remember, if you have democracy you don't necessarily live in a republic. A constitutional monarchy is where you have a king/queen, but he/she does not have much to say about the governing; that's the elected prime minister's job.
Btw, thanks for not raging at me; that's a WAY too normal response.
5631830 No no no. Canada is still part of the british commonwealth so Queen Elizabeth II is technically our "queen", but we are independent from england and neither she nor the british parliament has power or say on how our county is run. Yes when our country was first founded the crown did have some say and we were under the monarchy but after we gained in independence we were just too lazy to change the name of the guy in charge from Prime Minister's to President. Unlike the states we got our independence by asking nicely, so instead of a war we came to an agreement where England recognizes us as an independent country and we put the queen on the money, we keep them updated on what's going on over here and we stay apart of the commonwealth.
if she said "execute order 65" what would happen?
8342618
Luna would have been Locked in a secure location, all power over the moon would be transferred to Twilight and the elements of harmony gathered. The order was put in place by Luna as a contingency plan for the event that she ever felt she was once again becoming Nightmare Moon.