A thousand years ago, jealousy transformed me into a creature of darkness named Nightmare Moon, and I attempted to plunge the world into eternal night. In order to protect Equestria and her little ponies, Princess Celestia used the Elements of Harmony to banish me. This is the story as you have heard it.
The story is not entirely false. I became Nightmare Moon, I rebelled against my sister, and in the end, I was banished by the Elements of Harmony. But time has eroded the story, and much of it has been forgotten.
This is the story of Nightmare Moon as told by the only one who remembers the truth.
Chapters (1)
It was good. Much like with other stories that try to tie in actual episode dialogue, the more advanced dialogue in your parts of the story cause the copied lines to stick ot a bit, but it's a minor quibble. The lack of Royal Canterlot-style speech is a notable ommission, same as it was in the show's (ill-conceived*) flashback, but I suppose you decided to stay true to their more modern speech as was used during the scene. It would have probably been better if you'd just re-written the episode's events rather than try to tie them in. It wasn't exactly the best template to follow, but it was a plot decision and I can respect that.
Might want to give it a quick editing sweep, though.
>She says, “your punishment has ended, sister.”
Lack of capitalization for a new sentence.
>Instead, she almost sounds sympathetic, even as she addresses a victim of her evil.
,
“Has time stolen so much from you, sister?”
Random comma in empty space ahoy!
Also, for some reason the story's text seems to become bolded halfway through. I'm thinking it's a FimFiction glitch since my enter comment looks bolded though when posted as well, though.
I would assume there's a few more small errors if I spotted these ones while doing a quick read.
*Seriously, it was simultaneously the high point and most dissapointing choice in the ho-hum season premier. We've effectively been denied a proper episode detailing Luna's turn to
the Dark Sideevil for a dollop of fanservice that had absolutely no bearing on the episode's actual plot whatsoever.There is a problem, as there is in every last one of these sorts of fics which attempt to pain a justification for NMM, and interestingly almost all rely on some sort of mass rebellion: What was the basis for the Republic's claims? They throw out claims of tyrrany and oppression, yet there is nothing upon which they are based.
What oppression has Celestia put upon them? Are they severely overtaxed? Are the laws unjustly punishing the innocent? Do the nobles steal from the serfs with impunity? Do royal armies force quarter upon the populace and raid their homes at will?
There is no claim from the Republic other than one-dimensional rhetoric. Nothing paints Celestia as a tyrant besides some shouted claims supported with no evidence.
What is the foundation of any of this? Without a trigger, there is no revolution. We need to be given the trigger, or this scenario comes across as little more than wishful thinking.
3859541
You must remember, a goodly chunk of Bronies are American, and often for us, any absolute Monarch is automatically a Tyranny.
3859541
Most, like this one, lean on the idea that there will naturally be some kind of resentment against total autocracy by one (or two) Goddesses regardless of how benevolent they are or aren't. It's something we've seen in the real world countless times, and probably something that the lazy reader will empathize with.
But you are not a lazy reader, so you need something deeper--my answer to that is that there isn't anything deeper. Nightlight resents that, for example, the mayor has no power. Whether Nightlight is actually justified or not is questionable, and it almost doesn't matter. Had I included a scene that really spelled out Nightlight's grievances, I'm sure I would have made them just as vague--The Republic resents the fact that the peacekeepers have greater authority than any local official; Celestia doesn't see a problem with that because the peacekeepers seem to be doing their jobs just fine.
I very intentionally made it so that the Republic is not clearly in the right. They are frustrated citizens, the same sort of which can be found in every day and age.
This was on EqD!
I'm crying, and that does not happen too terribly often.
The way you weaved this so skillfully into canon is part of what makes this so potent-- that it could have actually happened, that Celestia and Luna (and Nightmare Moon) could have really felt these emotions makes it so much more beautiful and wonderful.
I'm just going to go listen to Lullaby for a Princess and drown in my sorrow for a bit more before getting back to my homework.
I just...
thank you.
3859980 Well, I would expect even Americans would realize there MUST be a trigger for the events!
Revolutions do NOT take place in lands where the populace is fat, dumb, and happy!
3862976
Dude! I wasn't justifying him! Just explaining what he was likely thinking!
Don't snap at me unless I do something worthy of snapping!
3863561
It's less that I think it would automatically be a tyranny, and more that I can imagine how the very principle of an absolute monarch would inspire a backlash. We have much stupider cultural movements than that going on here in Murica.
3863561 *Chomps your hand off and runs away growling*
This was excellent. Normally I shy away from NMM justifications, because they often come hand in hand with a lot of Celestia-bashing that often tends towards the unrealistic, but you did an excellent job here. You blended in the canon lines as best you could, and the feelings, reasons, and emotions behind everything utterly fleshed it out.
Bravo! Extremely well written, and the bittersweet ending was deep. It leaves you thinking.
Total rockets!
3862976 What is the basis for your generalization of Americans?
3863609 For example, Obamacare! It is anti-religious, expensive, and isn't all that effective.
4032848 I live there. I live in NJ and work in Philly.
Need I say more?
4033701 You still got it wrong. Have you never watched the Olympics?
4034419 That's like, 5 dozen people out of 350 million!
Most humans are useless compost material, better suited to processing into axle grease for my robot army!
4035057 Look. People might be imperfect, but everyone has the right to life. Some people are obese. They can exercise! Some people are stupid. They can learn! The only thing keeping them from doing that is their own stubbornness. A few good logical arguments can break down that barrier and get their lives going.
4036462
4035057
Please take it to PMs.
4037430 (whispers) I don't think he's figured out that I'm trolling him yet. *grumps* Kinda takes the fun out of it.
4037448 Wait. You were?
Hmm. Well, that was interesting, but it suffered from being caught between two stools: on the one hand, purporting to be a more accurate recounting of exactly what happened a thousand years before the show, but on the other, not actually recounting with enough accuracy to satisfy any amateur historian. Revolutions, even those with strongly American sentiments, do not descend into violence and death with a few vague misconceptions; they start with concrete grievances and desperate attempts to solve the problem in the only way left. "Some government dude probably has too much power" is just not enough. If it were, modern Americans would certainly have revolted seven times over in the last century. (I'm aware of one major set of armed uprisings, which was in fact triggered by concrete and long-lasting grievances. It wasn't as violent as this depicts, despite having far more reason to be.)
And, of course, none of that really explains why Luna suddenly decided "hey, I'm tired of working to keep things running in the face of these silly allegations, I'll … go kill my sister!" Even the amplifying effect of the Nightmare needed some seed, and this doesn't portray any except an insane and purposeless bloodlust somehow caught from the Republic protesters.
That's ... beyond grim.
4257186
You're absolutely right, of course. The text of this story gives no concrete reasons; it only tells us that the Republic changed from a little political sandbox to a massive Occupy-style protest of thousands because... something somewhere made them angry I guess.
As I've said, the Republic are not the good guys in this story. Writing mini-dramas about the citizens feeling oppressed would run the risk of my readers siding with the Republic, so I saved myself some work and said absolutely nothing. I wanted to leave open the possibility that they were basically looking for reasons to rebel and weren't totally justified. As Luna says at the end, maybe Celestia still is a tyrant or maybe she never was--either way, it wasn't worth it.
The objective with this was to provide a larger story for the banishment, yes, but my focus was on the drama between Luna and Celestia. I understand that it may not work for people who want stories like this to take place in a more cohesive, complete world. But thanks for the read <3