Not a bad start, though you could use an editor. I think you've set yourself quite a challenge in trying to write so many characters, and I wish you luck.

This is terrible.

"Well it seems that we have gotten here some how and we don't know how to get back. Is it ok if we stay?" Celestia asked me.

Yup, that sure sounds like a rock-solid premise if I've ever heard one.

Luna took a liking to my Xbox and PlayStation 3.

I used to think Princess Molestia was the stupidest thing popularized by John Joseco, then I saw Gamer Luna and now I'm not so sure.

I got up and went to my kitchen passing Vinyl and Octavia who were talking about something.

RIVETING.

I got into the kitchen to see Celestia trying to get a glass of water. She was failing as the glass keep falling down onto the floor. Good thing I have plastic cups.

So Luna is a hardcore l337 gamer who kicks your ass at Call of Duty while Celestia is a moron who can't even lift a plastic cup. Sounds reasonable.

"Well they won't understand. I did it so this planet can have some happiness. When we found this planet your planet was at war. Would War 2 I believe you guys call it." She said as she drank the rest of her water.

Kinda odd that she waited 40 years to introduce the show after WW2.

"What. I don't always have to be a princess." Celestia said with a laugh as she left the kitchen.

He never said that you did?

"Your kind has the best fashion I have ever seen." Rarity said as she poked her head out of my closet.

"Why, your shirts have three wolves on them!"

Bland writing, overdone premise, poor spelling and grammar.

Normally I troll these types of stories, but since I feel like a nice guy today, I'll give this story a shot.

EDIT: Wow. Not even a paragraph in and the guy faints. Not a good start.

The title screams "wish fulfillment". The description says, "I've been told about things like puncutation and capitalization, but I wasn't paying that much attention."

I'm not reading this.

Bad storytelling, grammar, and plays Call of Duty.

Pretty good start for a twelve year old.

i agree with some of the other people story does seem a but rushed but overall, great story, cant wait to see where this takes to

3636948 i agree but good story seems intresting please sir accept this moustache

3637610 3637143>>3637244>>3637395>>3637454>>

You know I really don't care what you say. I make stories because I in joy it. I re read my first chapter and I think it wasn't to bad. I can't have and editor because I do this on my kindle. Also when Celestia threw the cup and said she doesn't have to be a princess all the time meant that Max only saw her on the show as always well mannered. That just showed that Celestia it's always mannered. Sometimes I wonder if you guys just read the story to give me shit at the end of it. I'm sorry for all of you who gave me a chance and liked it. This is not to you it's to the others.

3638376 You know, I was going to give this another shot, but you blew that out of the fucking water.

Your comment is lesson 1 in "How NOT To Accept Criticism". If you're going to post something on this site, make it half decent. With the right editing and fixes, this could turn out to be a great story. But with your attitude, and the way it's written, you have no fucking chance at this rate.

3638376

I make stories because I in joy it. I re read my first chapter and I think it wasn't to bad. I can't have and editor because I do this on my kindle.

"I make stories because I enjoy it. I reread my first chapter, and I think it wasn't too bad. I can't have an editor because I do this on my Kindle."

You shouldn't need an editor to keep errors that simple from happening.

3638376
ok. good thing you don't care about people's opinions when you post this on a website that is kinda dedicated to having people read stories and give their opinions on it.

3638376
You're living on the wrong planet if you want to submit something to a public site and expect it to not get judged. Now what you should be doing is taking criticism and using it to better yourself/your story. I have not read the story, and I refuse to with reading how bad your grammar in your comment here was.

Good start but it still needs a little work.

Ok ok I snapped and took it out on you guys. I think I'm stressed out from finals. I'm going to still write,but not as much I just need to cool down.

3640568 Tough. We all have our responsibilities. Over the past month, I had to:

1. Write, direct, produce, shoot, record, and edit a short film (which includes gathering contracts for actors, crew, and locations, logging my audio and video so I know which video file goes with which audio recording, as well as scheduling my script and creating a budget).

2. Write a 90+ page script for a screenwriting class.

3. Write a seven-page paper on the life and career of Stanley Kubrick

4. Break down a scene from a movie and shoot it using my own compositions (easier said than done).

5. Manage my job as a Cutco sales representative.

Even with all of that, I managed to write over 80,000 words for the fanfiction I've been working on during that time and not be a complete dick to the people offering me constructive criticism.

You know, you shouldn't make it so blatantly obvious you're using alternate accounts to make your story look less shit than it already is.

This has to be one of the worst things I have ever read. I would give some constructive criticism, but I don't think there is any way to salvage this.

I agree with what all of these people are saying (aside from what little positive feedback that you have received). But one other thing also put me off.

It is physically impossible for Celestia to be three feet taller than a human being. She's between like 5-6 feet tall. Your character would have to be about 2-3 feet in height for this to make any sense. An average human should be either slightly taller, or eye-to-eye with Celestia, unless it is a little person, or midget.

Luna took a liking to my Xbox and PlayStation 3

One of the most unoriginal things to put into a fanfic

An interesting story so far, the main character isn't going all insane and excited to see all of them, he's just actin' like this happens everyday :P I like that.

The idea is good, but the current grammar, how things are paced and similar things are killing it for me.

3651791
umm.......so?

3638376 Hey, I know what you mean. A lot of us are on the newer side here, very busy out of fanfiction, and do all they can to put things on the screen. My writing is very unpopular, but I continue to write it, just like you do! All we're saying is that, even if you're on your Kindle as you said, you need an editor. There are grammatical and spelling errors that just bring down popularity. Good luck in the future - maybe try this? It's a fun and easy way to learn grammar correctly - you should also check out the writing guide on this site.

Hannon le,
Tinq

This is very rushed and very forced, and I'm sorry to say, there is nothing remotely original here. It reads like every single other wish-fulfillment "pony in my house" story out there that isn't a My Little Dashie clone.

Um....you might want to join the group on here called "Looking for Editors". There are a lot of problems I see in this but, besides many that were pointed out, the biggest one I see is that you're not showing us. You're listing off what they're doing instead of painting a picture with your words. Instead of reading like a story I would want to read it felt like I was reading a diary of a teenager or something. This does happen a lot with other fics but they still had a bit of it. Having imagery could have been a giant saving grace for you but there's a lot of work that needs to be done. I could try to help, if you want, but I also think you should try rereading your chapters before you put them up here. That can remove a few mistakes that you made while in the heat of the moment.

Seems like an ok story so far. I don't see why so many people hate it.

3750889 It's because many people see these kind of stories everyday and after a while it gets mind numbingly boring, seeing the same characteristics paired with the same characters in the same stories with the same general premise.

3639331 For some people, it is easier said than done...

Honestly, I thought it was ok, not exactly the best story in the world, but definitely not the worst.
And yes, I understand both sides of this war; however, I have to say that I'm just happy reading this, and it not being so terrible that you can't even understand what in the world the author is trying to convey in the first sentence.

All I can say is try and go over you story one mor tim. I never even finished the first paragraph and all I found were grammatical errors out the wazoo. I am sure the story would be great. However the errors are too many

*looks at title* oh boy here we go...

Hello I'm theone2three and im going to reveiw your story but in a unorthodox way... well for me
Its going to include some comedy and pics... you'll see.

And as in any of my reviews I am here to help not hurt the writer and especially if I'm making fun of your story so no hard feelings...

So lets begin

I got to my house after work and parked my car in my drive way

Woah there sir all of this my's makes you like these annoying creatures
media.giphy.com/media/kLk1Qa8mrYdQA/giphy.gif
And we haven't even fully read the first sentence...

Ya working a drive threw at Burger King sucks

haha img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120524094542/mlp/images/thumb/7/75/Spike_and_Rainbow_Dash_laughing_together_S1E01.png/640px-Spike_and_Rainbow_Dash_laughing_together_S1E01.png
what kind of language is that... not professional I say and Rainbow "professionalism" Dash knows that.

I heard voices,female voices.....a lot of female voices. I was confused

well your house became a brothel over the day sir.

The thing that made me more confused was that they sounded like the ponies from the show My little pony. I was a brony.

well I say you you're bluffing... *puts down 200 bits*

They all looked at me. I stood there and fainted.

crap I lost ...oh well but the good thing you fainted

"Is he awake?"

no he's dead... and who says this really!?

My head hurt like hell and something was breathing on me.

better not be this guy: surrealpsd.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/slenderman-photoshop-tutorial-22.jpg or I would probably shit my pants.

There was the main six and if your reading this story you should know there names.

what if I dont...
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/034/9/c/mlp_g1_original_6_by_moogleymog-d4oj3az.png
oops wrong gen...

I washed my face and and looked in the mirror. I'm I going insane?

two answers to this question ... by me reading this: yea I kinda am... and in the stories context... well who wouldn't and the rest of the paragraph is just exposition to me

"It talked." Twilight said to me as they all starred at me waiting for me to say something else.

we shit Twilight you just insulted 7 billion people...

She was at least three feet taller than me and stood over my like a tree.

what the... ok sir thats BS and here's why
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/533/757/4d4.png
You must be a extremely short man

I showed them the bookcase which Twilight was very happy about. I showed them how to work the TV. Luna took a liking to my Xbox and PlayStation 3. I then took them up stairs to my room. I showed them my bed,my closet,and my stereo system. Vinyl loved that of course. I was almost done when my cat Talo came out from his multiple hiding spots. Fluttershy if you can guess loved him on the spot.

all I can say is yep... thats exactly how thats goes... *sarcasm is applied*

I turned on my Xbox and started playing Call of Duty Ghost.

was going to make so much fun of you but i found this piece of gold:
quickmeme.com/img/dd/ddba23ab632e2b5bbacf2a3ae8c3efa833d51ca063face39860144c3e0d42b6b.jpg

"Umm sure." Luna said taking one of the controllers.

oh boy!
th00.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/320/9/9/hardcore_gaming_luna_by_gray_gold-d6ujed0.png

After showing how to make an account for Luna which see named PrincessofTheNight we joined a game of free for all.

sorry Luna you're not the princess of the night anymore
th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2013/312/c/5/friendship_is_witchcraft_poster_2_by_glitterquark-d6tjxby.jpg

I got into the kitchen to see Celestia trying to get a glass of water. She was failing as the glass keep falling down onto the floor. Good thing I have plastic cups.
"Need some help Princess?" I asked her as the cup fell on the ground again.

hooves how do they work?
th07.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2011/211/5/b/derpy_hooves_is_confused____by_blackgryph0n-d424h54.png
Even Derpy is suspicious

"Just use your magic." I said to her as I got a glass out for myself.

*facepalm* and no I'm not putting a image for that... doesn't even deserve it

"Well they won't understand. I did it so this planet can have some happiness. When we found this planet your planet was at war. Would War 2 I believe you guys call it." She said as she drank the rest of her water.

*The world is so cruel and references WWII cliche*

"Your kind has the best fashion I have ever seen." Rarity said as she poked her head out of my closet.

you must be a model

"Alright two things. One I know who you are and I know you names. Celestia helped me with that. Two you guys can sleep anywhere you want." Right after I said that they all rushed upstairs. I ran upstairs to see them all on my bed.
"Really this is how you want to play?" I said to them. They all just smiled and snuggled in.
"Ugh fine." I said. I set my alarm and got a couple of blankets and a pillow and laied on my bed room floor. I was going to need to get use to this.

so how big is your freaking bed!?!?
hospitalitynet.org/picture/153026932.jpg
must be at least this size ^^^

well thats all for this one chapter! thats a lot sir but I had fun doing this tbh so my final suggestions for this story will come later after I read all of this which should take 45 mins or so... and again take the lighter note of this

4711374
Please do a CinemaSins for my story, that would make my day.

I love this so far.