The god-rays pierced through the heavens like a bullet, bathing the land in a sea of light, feeding plants and the hopes of ponies alike. Warm rays from up above tore across the horizon, leaving a trail of carnage through the marigold-like cloud layer. And yet there were those who vehemently opposed the face of light – the remaining cover of clouds that stubbornly clung to existence
As was tradition, someone had to clear the cloud layer, making headway for the sun’s rays. A bulbous, fluffy mass of white exploded, leaving behind a thin wisp mist that just as soon evaporated in the daylight heat.
A pegasus mare shook her short-cut mane free of lingering wisp of cumulonimbus, shaking her rainbow-like mane and tail. Her lean and tone toned light-blue body glistening with cloud-borne moisture in the morning light. As she flew through the air, one would be hard-pressed not to notice her cutie mark: a cloud spewing a red, gold, and blue lightning bolt.
She could be but one pony: Rainbow Dash.
Her eyes stole a hungry glance at the sky around her, sizing up her prey, for she was the hunter. A bead of sweat rolled down her face, dripping down and plunging nigh a mile to the ground. The prey was slow, unmoving – a defenseless calf amongst a sea of bulls.
Rainbow Dash tore the sky asunder, her peripheral vision becoming a melange of blurred and undistinguished colors, the only thing she could see clearly was her target. And the prey was unaware it was even being watched.
Teeth bared, muscles tightened, she was upon the calf. She pivoted her wings up, sending her body twisting 180 degrees around and curled her hind legs back. Her wings pulled to near her side, sending her careening towards the newborn, her belly to the sky and legs ready to seize.
The calf never saw it coming. Dash bucked, her buck compounded in force by her impossible speed, breaking the prey’s neck and separating it from the body. Her momentum maintained, she tore its entire body in half.
Dash flared her wings, bringing herself to a jolting stop. Her prey lying dead and mutilated, it was time to feast. To feast, that is, on a concoction of pride and lactic acids, the wisps of the corpse-cloud swirling around it as it evaporating into aether.
Her body rose up and down in the air with an almost tidal rhythm caused by both her heavy panting and the beat of her wings. Before her stood a seemingly endless ocean of white, occasionally broken up by islands of green. The clouds seemed to be trying to strangle the patches of cloudless sky as they continued to breed and multiply.
Head lolling to the side, she groaned, “Great. All day. All flippin’ day this is gonna take.” Dash glanced at her shoulder, around which a specific patch was wrapped around, a golden star on a red background, indicating she was the leader of the Ponyville Weather Patrol. Today, unlike all other days, the Weather Patrol consisted of the entire pegasus population of Ponyville, the majority of them having been drafted for the word; why it was so important that everypony had to help out was a mystery to her – and it certainly wasn’t a mystery to her because she fell asleep during briefing. Honest.
Dash slapped a hoof to her face, groaning at her accursed luck. She and her big mouth had gotten herself the role of clearing the vast majority of the sky that day. Not that others weren't helping her – they were – but it didn’t make her any more happy about everything. And she’d make damn sure that everypony was doing their part, especially if it meant getting done faster so that she could go back to her nearly-perpetual naps.
She scanned the skies again, looking for the nearest cloud, only to have her attention drawn to a strange dark marring on a cloud. Her interest piqued, and sense of duty conveniently forgotten, she ducked forward and darted at the strange object.
One of the many things they taught young pegasi in flight camp was how to distinguish types of clouds. Almost out of pure memory, Rainbow Dash could recite the names, definitions, and descriptions of every type of cloud in the sky. And little black dots on a white background did not register as any such cloud.
As she neared the curious mar, she could more easily see what the object was: a napping pegasus. Her face scrunched with pure extreme annoyance as she reached him, close enough to hear his snores.
Rainbow Dash took a quick second to regard the offending pegasus with her eyes. He was young, not a colt, but calling him a proper stallion might have been pushing it. The word “buck” sprang to her mind as an adequate compromise between the two words. His coat was a faint black-grey like the color of storm clouds, his wild and uncombed mane and tail bearing an uncanny resemblance to a streak of fire.
Gradually her eyes drifted to his wings, which were deceptively well-strung for a buck his age. Then her eyes dropped to his cutie mark: a storm cloud with a sanguine-esque thunderbolt. She frowned at its similarity to her own cutie mark. His legs were wrapped in a taut, black blanket, giving him an almost darling appearance when coupled with his cute snores. This, of course, had to be stopped, and Rainbow Dash was on the job, repercussions be damned.
She cleared her throat, put her forehooves on him, and shouted, “Hey you! Wake up!”
With an infuriating hesitance, the buck cocked an eye open. The brown eye slowly shifted to the light blue mare hovering before him. “Ya know, if not for the fact you’re yelling at me, violently shaking me like a retarded girl might a bunny, I might’ve assumed you were an angel.”
“Get your lazy flank up! We’ve got clouds to clear,” Dash said.
Opening his other eyes, he scanned the admittedly stuffed cloud layer. Tapping a hoof to his jaw, he considered the order. “Nah.” He shut both eyes, turned over as to not face the bossy mare.
She sighed. Then she said in an incredibly reasonable tone, “Look, buddy, I get it, I really do: you’re unhappy about-” Dash made a circular gestured with a hoof “-this whole ‘every pegasu is now legally obligated to help clear the weather do to some impending disaster or whatever’ deal. But the more of who work to fix this up today, the faster we’ll all get done.”
He yawned “You’ve got a big mouth, lady. Keep chatting and I’ll tell you where it might find better use.”
Dash’s eye twitched. “Alright that’s it! Wake up!” No response. Grinding her teeth, she spun around and bucked his cloud bed, utterly disintegrated it and forcing him into the air. The air below was at a glacial temperature, the wind speeds enough to blow a huge sailboat to whichever end of the horizon it so desired. A fact which Rainbow Dash failed to considered until he was already falling into it.
Rather than be sucked away by the gale, he flared his wings, twisted them at angles beyond awkward as he spun into a backflip. For a brief moment he was weightless in the nigh-jetstream current, just hovering there. And for another moment, Dash was almost awed – it took some matter of skill and wing strength to even withstand those wind speeds, let alone actually hover in them without breaking a sweat.
He dashed out of the current, up to Rainbow Dash. “Cute and mean. You sure do take the cake, lady.”
“Lady‽” Dash scoffed, indigent. “Just who the hay are you‽”
The buck laid down on a cloud, his left side on the cloud while his front faced her like an old French painting. “Me? That name’s Crimson Thunder.”
“Well then, Crimson Thunder, ya wanna get off your lazy flank and help out around here?”
Crimson scratched at his head and shrugged. “It seems you have me at a disadvantage, Miss...?”
Dash scoffed, “Oh, so now you’re being nice?”
He flashed her a toothy grin. “I like to know names. That a problem, oh great boss mare?”
“Rainbow Dash,” she replied through gritted teeth.
He leapt up and into the air. “Well then, Ms. Rainbow Dash. Let me offer you a formal letter, in vocal verbatim, of how I feel about that. ‘Go buck yourself. And if you need eight hooves, yours and mine, I’d be happy to assist – emphasis on the first syllable’.”
A seething well of white-hot rage boiled to the surface of Dash’s eye, melting her corneas and replacing them with a foamy, frothy mix of hate. “Every. Pegasus. Must. Help. Clear. The. Skies,” she growled through clenched teeth. She shoved herself into his face, his expression remaining bored. “It’s an order from Princess Celestia herself!”
“Either kiss me or get out of my airspace.”
She recoiled her head back. “I’m not gonna kiss you!”
“Then keep your distance,” he coolly replied.
“Well then clear the skies!”
Crimson rolled his eyes. “Lemme spell it out for you, sweetie. I’m gonna go back to sleep and you’re gonna go back to being bossy-” he pointed a hoof to his left “-over there. We clear?”
“No!”
“Uh, uh, uh, the correct response is ‘crystal’, or ‘crystal clear’.” He shook his head, a mock expression of sorrow on his muzzle. “Looks like you failed your exam. Tsk, tsk, tsk, another year of summer school for you, Missie.”
“It’s an order forms Princess Celestia herself!” Dash retorted, struggling not to strangle Crimson Thunder.
He sighed. “Celestia, Shmolestia. Who gives a flying buck about orders, huh?” Crimson shrugged. “This whole cloud clearing and actually doing work business is boring anyways. And it’s not like I actually care about the Solar Princess worth a bit, anyhow.”
“How dare you talk about Princess Celestia like that!” Dash snarled, physically restraining herself from bucking him right in his smug face.
His expression slowly began contorting with indignation. “And why can’t you do it?”
“Because I need eveypony’s help!”
“So... because you’re incompetent, hmm?”
“I am not incompetent! You need to do work and-”
“Work?” he laughed. “I don’t know what that even is! I’m sorry, I don’t speak incompetent vixen!”
“Why you-” Dash screamed.
“You’ll have to explain your fascinating, bizarro language to me. I’m not familiar with your culture, especially since I’m actually competent,” Crimson said, his maw seeping condescension. “Tell me of your rich heritage of incompetence and idiocy! Sing to me in your native buckin’ idiot songs-”
“Shut your bucking mouth, you-”
“PAINT ME A TAPESTRY SO THAT I MIGHT EXPERIENCE THE BEAUTIFUL ART OF THE INCOMPETENT VIXEN PONIES!”
“What is wrong with you‽”
“You will leave me alone this instant and let me sleep, got it‽” he snarled, jumping up onto a small cloud and punching at another cloud, like a completely reasonable pony would.
“I’ll leave you alone only after you get to work! We clear‽”
“Molestia-ing Celestia! Will you just shut up up! Your dang mouth is like my mother’s lap!”
“And what does that mean‽”
“A place where only disappointment comes out of!”
She shook her head. “I don’t know whether to be offended, disgusted, or sorry for you.”
“That’s what she said,” Crimson replied, giving a sagely nod of his head.
“That’s what I said,” she said.
“Can it! Don’t tell me what I said. If I wanted to know your opinion, I would have beaten it out of you.”
Rainbow Dash opened her mouth, a rebuttal prepared, only for no sound to come out. A twinkle in her revealed that inner workings of her devious mind. “Okay, let’s take a step back here, kay?”
“Yeah, sure,” he replied through bouts of panting.
She locked her eyes with his. “How about we settle this with a little bet? Equo y equo, eh?”
A spark of elation came to life beneath his brown irises. “I like the sound of that, lady. Name the game.”
“A race to-” she pointed a hoof to the snowy mountain peak, at least a mile away “-that mountaintop.” She pointed a hoof to herself. “If and when I win, you have to get off your lazy rear and get to work, and-”
“If I win, you leave me alone. And kiss me – on the lips.”
Dash recoiled her head back. “I’m not gonna kiss you!”
He shrugged, cooing, “Then that’s too bad. See, ‘cause I’m all game for this race, if you’re not then that means you forfeit. Victory automatically goes my way, dollface.” Dash grimaced as he hovered over to her, patting a hoof to her cheek. “What’s the matter, old maid-” her eyes exploded in an all-consuming conflagration that spread through her entire body, coursing through her veins like the rapids of the Coltorado River “-‘fraid of little ole me? ‘Fraid to get your big, tough flank kicked from here to high noon?”
“Kiss my flank!” she snarled. If Dash had possessed canines, she would’ve have bitten him as hard as she could have. Regardless, he recoiled his hoof at her outburst.
“Ya know,” he said, tone seeping in a frothy muck of condescension, “if that’s your fetish, we can arrange that into our deal, hm? ‘Cause I wouldn’t object to it – not even on both sides of the cutie mark.” Chest heaving with hate, she snatched him by the collar. “Woah, woah, don’t I have to buy you dinner first?”
“Listen here, you little twerp! We’re gonna race to the cliff! I am going to kick your bucking flank! You are going to clean every-flipping-one of these dang clouds if it takes ALL DAY! GOT IT‽”
“Oh, you’ll be gettin it alright, and gettin’ it hard – and the more you resist, the more shame I’ll bring you come the end,” Crimson growled.
“Care to put your money where your mouth is, kid?”
“I’d like nothing more,” he calmly replied. Rainbow Dash, still holding him the neck, physically dragged him over to a sizable, fluffy cloud. She let him go, practically throwing him to the ‘ground’.
Pointing to the cloud beneath them, she barked, “Starting here!” Crimson rolled to his hooves, striking a starting pose much like Dash was. “One your marks... Get set... Go!”
Dash flared her wings out to their fullest, hurdling her body forwards as she batted her well-used wings through the great blue yonder. She lived for speed, she lived for the air, she lived for racing. Nopony had ever beaten her when it came to sheer speed, and she intended to keep it that way.
Her peripherals a blurring mess of sky and cloud, she found the right corner of her mouth twisting into a nefarious smirk. The sound of the air being split asunder by her speed deafened her to all but her thoughts. A part of her, a part which she quickly dismissed, almost felt sorry for Crimson Thunder. Especially considering that he had started a fraction of a second after her, giving Dash a critical edge that he would likely not overcome.
In a moment of pride-over-logic, she glanced over her shoulder to see just how much dust Crimson was eating. The currents threatening to spin her around from her mis-angled head, her eyes bulged. The sight before her, or rather behind her, just so happened to be a pair of brown eyes.
“Hey there, buttercup!” Crimson chirped.
“You-bu-wh-how‽” Dash sputtered, almost tumbling out of the skies.
Cackling like a madstang, Crimson barreled past Dash, leaving her jaw open and catching the breeze. A thunderous aura surrounded him, bolts of red electricity surged around like a Tesla coil, all compacting into a conical shape that seemed to send the air screeching away from him.
Her wings almost refused to beat, her body freezing up with something akin to shock as she watched him careening through the atmosphere, turning into a speck as he neared the mountain.
For a brief moment he paused, allowing her to catch up. At a speed dangerously approaching the sound barrier, Dash stormed past him – the only thing she saw of him was a faint, cocky grin.
The sky exploded. Clouds for miles around evaporated as Crimson Thunder plunged into a conical, horizontal tornado of red lightning. It tore past Dash, the energy washing her and sending her mane on end with static. Her head stopped. It just sat there and died, its faculties clogged up with failing attempts to process what she was seeing.
Each second of flight felt like a brutal torture to Rainbow Dash. The air itself seemed as though it were purposefully hampering her. Gravity acted as though it had harpooned her through the gut and was trying to reel her into its slavering maw.
When at last she did reach the finish line, her body threatened to abandon her to fend for herself. Her blood pressure had skyrocketed, her pupils dilated to their logical extremes for a sunny day, and her voice box interpreted her commands as hostile and alien. Her chest heaved up and down with an almost epileptic fervor, her sweat threatening to blind her.
Crimson, on the other hoof, didn’t look nearly as tired – there wasn’t even a drop of sweat on his smug face. He just stood on the peak, building a snowpony, the body already finished and was complete with two coal eyes.
He angled his head to her. “Well looked who showed up to the party – late as usual, Ms. Dash.” He shook his head. Gob gooing with condescension, he continued, “I guess we’re gonna have to fail you from flight school. Tsk, tsk, tsk.”
“How did you-”
“Win? Simple: I’m better than you.” He glanced at his snowy creation and frowned. “Pity. It could use a nose.” Cocking a brow, he turned back to Dash, “Say, you wouldn’t happen to have something vaguely rod shaped, would you? Like, say, in your dresser?”
Dash gritted her teeth. “How. Did. You-”
“Oh, shove a sock in it.” He trotted up to her position on the snowcapped peak. “I believe you owe me a little something, hm?”
“I will not-” she tried, only to be violently grabbed by Crimson. Wrapping his a forehoof around here back to hold her wings down, and another forehoof to the back of her head, he shoved her lips to his.
Something inside Dash popped, snapped, cracked, sparked, and exploded all at once. Her right forehoof rose into the air and clashed against Crimson’s face with as much strength as she was worth – a strengh one would do well not to sneeze at.
With a loud popping sound of detaching lips, he was thrown to his back. Mouth open to the sky, it took him three seconds to fully comprehend what just happened.
Rubbing his mouth and bruised cheek with a hoof, he groaned, ”Ow.” He made a smacking sound with his mouth. “Huh. Did you know that your mouth tastes like electricity and berry-flavored yogurts?”
Dash’s expression deepened so hard that it threatened to cave her face in. “Listen here, you little disgusting pervert! I don't know who the hay you are-”
“Crimson Thunder,” he grumbled. “I already said that.”
“-but I want you out of my sight before-” she rose a hoof and shook it at him “-I decide to destroy that pretty, little face of yours with my hoof! Got it‽”
“My, my, my, is the old hag hitting on me now through unveiled threats?”
Dash stamped a hoof, eliciting a crunch from the snow beneath her. “Get. Out. Of. My. Sight!” she practically shrieked. Taking the message to heart, he rolled to his hooves and darted away through the air, tail tucked between his legs.
Seeing Crimson fly out of view, Dash collapsed to the ground into a sea of self-pity, tears threatening to well up in her eyes. Her her reason to exist was speed, and it had just been dismantled piece-by-bucking-piece by another pony.
Her whole life had been one big race to be the fastest; to join the Wonderbolts, the fastest pegasus in the whole of Equestria. It had been her life dream. And it an afternoon it had been crushed.
“Hey, Rainbow Dash? Ya okay?” a pony, another pegasus on the weather team, called out.
In an instant, Dash had put up a facade, hiding the threat of tears and wobbly legs behind her feigned arrogant posture. “Y-yeah!” she called back. “Yeah, I’m fine!”
*****
The birds remained silent in their trees which lined the road, watching the ponies standing off upon the dirt road.
“Well well, isn’t that our little Azure, Narcissus?” Cauterium remarked at Azure knowledge.
Narcissus, standin next to Cau, bowed his head. “Oh, mademoiselle! You ‘aven’t changed since our last meeting in HQ, n'est-il pas?”
Azure struggled to maintain her professional demeanor in lieu of a wall of anger frothing in her core. “Cauterium! By order of the High Five, we place you and Narcizzus under arrest! You are zuzpected of ztealing the Cerchen’s property and abuzing the headmazter’s influenze!”
“Good ol’ Azure! Oh how I missed the cute, little accent,” Cau replied, his tone brimming with condescension. “Oh, wait. I forgot. It’s not an accent, it’s a speech impediment. So sorry.”
Azure’s face contorted into a grimace, her cheek bristling with red. “H-how dare you‽”
Claude regarded each member of the Cerchen, his eyes seeming to deconstruct them at the atomic level. “Uh-huh. And these freaks are... who, exactly?”
“These nuts are from the ‘Cerchen’, a bunch of arrogant self-righteous fools,” Cau replied. He glanced at the Azure. “And a bunch of scientist who can’t guard their archaic secrets worth a damn!” He took a moment to bask in enjoyment at the sight of Azure’s face further twisting with spite.
A gigantic unicorn stepped forward, his ludicrous bulk practically shaking the earth around him. “So, you don't deny your crime and, in fact, openly admit it?”
Cauterium smirked. “Is that a problem, Doc?”
The Doc sighed, and then a devious little idea crossed his mind. “You’re one awful villain, ya know? The rules of villainy clearly state that you’ve gotta reveal your evil plan and admit your misdeeds right as you're about to kill or think your gonna win or whatever.” He shook his head. “You really are incompetent, aren’t you?” Cau’s left eye twitched. Doc gestured to Claude. “Who’s the earther and why’s he with you lot?”
“It just so happens and he and I share... ehh, a certain moral basis for which our burgeoning acquaintanceship is blooming forth.”
“Pity me for the added challenge on dragging you in as well,” Doc sighed, his rich, gravelly baritone tinged with a facade of sadness.
“And speaking of which,” Cau said, “just who the hay are you? You’re not exactly Little Miss Teapot. In fact I don’t think there’s anything little about you, fat ass.”
“How dare you inzu-” Azure snarled.
“Easy now, Azure,” Doc interjected, his tone as plain and to-the-point as ever. “My name is Doctor Power Pill, but most folks just call me ‘doctor’ or ‘doc’. I am the new commissar of the Truth Brigade.”
“Oh, is that so...?” Cau goaded, a bored expression plastered over his muzzle.
Claude stamped a hoof into the dirt. “Enough o’ this charade! Y’all a’ here to fight, ain’t ya? Then less talkie, more fightie. Capiche, ya freakin’ egg’ead marines!” Narcissus rolled his eyes.
Cau facehoofed. “I’m afraid it chagrins me to say it, but I must concur with Claude. We haven’t the time nor the lust to chat with you lot.”
“Doctor!” Azure barked. “Permission to-” she droned on about a plan of attack, but the Doc ignored her.
Power Pill had his attention rapt to the three outlaws before him. “It seems like our relations have failed us – you must be apprehend via force,” he stated, voice ringing with a vague undertone of condemnation. The Doc stepped to the side, revealing a small army of ponies in blue masks.
Cauterium’s face contorted into an epileptic fit of twitches for all of two seconds, when it was over his expression took on a savage, primordial look of a hunter about to feast upon his prey while it yet lived, enjoying every minute of the pained shrieks. Azure took a single glance at his newfound eyes and gasped, his eyes had turned into feral slits not unlike those of a cat’s.
“Why are his eyes like that, Narc?” Claude asked.
Narc’ leaned slightly to the side. “A ‘orrible thing. Dzat spell ee is using naw? It cost ‘im ees eyesight. It turned ‘is eyes like dzat, but cat-like eyes do not see so good as we ponies. Cauterium is ‘alf blind. Moi does not know how dze Nightmare even saw, those eyes are so ‘orrible. ”
“So it’s a disability?”
“Cau ‘as no depth perception and is cripplingly nearsighted. Not too long ago he was 20/20 in vision.” He shook his head. “Cauterium ees an idiot, moi swears to you. But zat spell is kind of ‘elpful, moi guesses. Et ees a case of risk versus reward.”
“Seize them,” the Doc ordered, his tone almost exceptionally indifferent. A watery stream of the twenty-some ponies marched around Doc and Azure, attempting to surround those who fought for anti-Harmony.
Claude shifted his legs and lowered his body, assuming a combative stance. He licked his lips with anticipation, he planned on enjoying their shrieks of agony – if they were that weak then they logically deserved it. Somepony tapped his shoulder.
“Whadda ya want, sugar boy?” Claude hissed at Narcissus, the offending poker.
“Moi does not think you shall be need ‘ere,” he replied.
Claude blinked, arching a brow. “Whaddya mean, sugar mane?” Narcissus merely gestured over his shoulders, gestured to Cauterium. Eyes following Narcissus’ gaze, he came to see why his talents wouldn’t be anything but extraneous.
A tsunami of green energy collided with the charging ponies, forcing them all to the ground, the strongest being sent into a stumble that ended on the ground. Cauterium spread his forehooves to their respective sides, making a T shape as his body was enveloped in a seething emerald glow.
His arms curled to the back of his head, his body reclining as if in a particularly comfortable sofa, hovering in the air the whole while. Eyes nonchalantly scanning the battlefield, Cau looked exceptionally bored, like a cat who had played his captive mouse to death and was trying to get it to squirm one last time before he ate it.
Out of the aether of emerald magic came three balls of same-colored fire. The spheres drifted and orbited around him of their own accord, Cau’s eyes transfixed on his metaphorical prize. By some unholy device, the spell-spheres seem to radiate pure malice and bad feelings. The Cerchen who foolishly gazed upon them for too long felt their souls being prodded at my an almost daemonic force. Even Power Pill felt something uncomfortable gnawing away at him from the inside.
Cauterium’s expression twisted into a malevolent grin as he raised a hoof skyward, a solitary fireball accompanying it. He flicked his wrist at a column of masked stallion, sending the ball of malice careening towards them.
Those who were too slow to dodge the attack, most of them, found themselves rolling around on the ground, screaming prayers to On High. “It’s non-lethal, you twits.”
Claude whistled as the flaming ponies stopped moving, their bodies utterly devoid of telltale burns.
“Break formation!” barked the tallest of the remaining masked ponies, making gestures to every-which-way the Cerchen divided, the five standing unicorns holding ground for missile support as the pegasi took to heaven, circling the Cauterium’s like a gang of vultures.
Combining their magic, the unicorns shot forth ethereal, white chains that wrapped around Cauterium. Caut rolled his eyes as the two lasting balls of fire fanned out, spreading through the magic chains and into their casters’ horns. The unicorns howled in unrepentant agony as the fae fire tore their souls, their magical essence, apart.
Wasting no time, the pegasi dove at Cauterium, their circle closing in on him for the kill. He chuckled as he teleported out at the last second, leaving the pegasi to collide head-first with each other, looking like total idiots as they rendered themselves incumbent upon the dirt where Cau once floated above.
“Finita la comedia!” Cauterium barked, hurling his second to last ball of fire into the mass of pegasi, sending them tumbling across the battlefield. “Seriously, guys, that’s all you can do? I mean granted, I didn’t expect all too much from what essentially amounted to a pack of trained thugs, but THIS? Come on!”
The Doc roused himself to his hooves, leering at Cau’s green cocoon of magic the whole while. “So, this is the famous 'Green Hunters' spell, Cauterium? I’ve heard tale of it and its technical status as a war crime, Cau. Ain't nopony supposed to just consume and siphon off another’s magic. I mean, who or what do you think you are? Some kinda energy vampire?”
“Call me as you will,” Cau snickered, “it’s hard to counter the fact that I’ve just won this battle.”
“See now, the problem is that you’ve got but one Hunter left, and I can see your magical aura fading. All I have to do-” he rubbed the bridge of his nose as if tightening a pair of glasses “-is outlast you. Something I’m very good at.”
Cauterium’s forehead furrowed. “You’re smarter than you look, fat ass. But I guess that’s not saying much, really. No matter, all I need is one to defeat you this day.”
Power Pill sighed. Glancing at Azure, he said, “Azure, would you do the honors and bring out the device?”
A grin manifested itself upon Azure's face, contorting her face into an angry mockery of itself. “With great pleazure, Doctor.”
Azure levitated out a small, copper cube out of her saddlebag, suspending it in the air above her head. With an almost religious reverence, she took out a small, silver key and inserted it into a corresponding hole in the cube. It twisted thrice, the air was drowned in a sacrilegious, shrill, and strident shriek.
The box flashed once as it clicked and clacked, morphing into an artificial construct. Gears and metal squealed as it assembled itself.
When all was said and done, a giant, bipedal machine constructed of copper and brass stood before Azure. It’s arms, ending in chimp-like hands, were notable shorter than its legs, which ending in strange hand-like appendages. Its head was like misshapen dome, various enchanted jewels crowing it like a crown of thorns.
At once, what it was became clear to Cauterium: a golem. There were many who argued that such creatures constituted a basic ethical violation just by its very nature, not that Azure cared much for ethics.
“Oh, dear Azure, I knew you would end up using your toys to play with me, you naughty little filly,” Cau remarked through a devilish smirk. “It’s a shame I’m in a rush. I’ll have to break your little toy before we can get any playtime with it.” Rolling his eyes, Cauterium launched the last fireball at the golem. He cocked a lazy brow at how Azure grinned at his attack rather than flinch.
A panel of the golem’s chest sprung to life, revealing a cavernous hollow in its center with a curious device that bore resemblance to a beehive mixed with a glass jar. Both Cauterium and Narcissus’ eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as the jar-thing sprang forward and caught the fireball midair, consuming it whole, leaving not a spark of damage behind.
“What the…” Cau said, his voice trailing off into a mumble as his mind worked out what exactly it was he had just seen.
“Well,” Azure chuckled, her tone nefarious and witch-like in its effect, “I’ve made zome... eh, zome minor improvementz. You like?”
The golem twitched, its left arm jerked up with a rusty squeal. Its hand convulsed, tiny panels of the metal sliding back into a reverse-cone around its hand, revealing a tight tube in its stead. A whirring oomph noise later and the barrel of the tube glowed with a coppery stain of green flame.
Flames licking the barrel, a burst of emerald hatred seethed forth at a supersonic speed, aiming dead center for Cauterium. The incendiary blast struck Cauterium in his eyes before he could even process what had just happened, eliciting a guttural howl of pure, unrepentant agony from him as his aura faded, his body falling to the ground into a fit of spasms.
Narcissus barreled at his friend, sliding to the ground as he yelled, “Cau! Cau! Are you okay‽” Cauterium clutched at his face and eyes, shrieking bloody murder as he rolled around on the floor like a stallion on fire.
“Bravo,” Doc said. “I do believe that’s a new record for beating a bad guy – and the max casualties associated with it. Still, good going.”
Azure kicked a hoof at the ground, blushing. “Oh, it waz nothing, really.”
“You!” Cauterium screamed. Everypony turned their attention to Cau. His eyes were that same cat-like as when he got excited, but the veins and blood vessels had popped. Every last inch of his eye was red, seething with both hatred and hemorrhage alike as he struggled to his hooves, his breaths raged. “I don’t think we’re through here, ooooh no! That’s it! You’ve crossed the line and I’m gonna go all King Arthur on your Black Knight!”
“Eh, what?” Claude said.
Azure rolled her eyes. "Cauterium, you’ve lost. Give up while you’re ztill alive. I’d hate to have to ki–no, zcratch that. Pleaze antagonize uz further, I’d love your head on my wall."
Cauterium laughed. “Lost‽ Now what gave you that impression, eh, sugar?” He put a hoof ot his head, using it to help pop his necks joints. “I’ve only just begun.” He glanced at Claude. “Claude, tag: you in?”
With a single utterance, just a lonely nod of his head, he began a slow canter up before Cauterium. His eyes bore down like an oppressive despot on the golem and its master. “Now see,” he said in a cool tone, “usin’ toys ta fight fer ya is a coward’s ploy.” He stomped a single hoof. “If ya wanna fight, ya’d best be bringin’ yer A-game plus your body. And since a battlefield ain’t no place for a mare-” he took a deep breath “-get back to the kitchen!”
“How dare you, you zexist brute‽” Azure snarled. She gave Power Pill a sideways glance, he nodded. With a glare of her horn, the golem shot forth, aiming itself for Claude. It cleared the distance in seconds, it was upon him just as fast.
It lunged an arm at him, its right hand aiming for Claude’s neck. With twisted his neck to the side, the golem’s hand scraping past by only the thinnest of margins. He spun 180 degrees and bucked the golem square in its breast, shouting, “Go back to the junkyard!” Its trosal cavity buckled as it blew to the ground.
Claude glanced at Azure. “Now watch closely, lass,” he said though an uncharacteristic cooed, his voice trickling malice by the very seams. Galloping at the golem, his leapt into the air, coming down and crushing the golem’s frame with his considerable bulk. “Anyone else‽”
“What‽ No!” Azure shrieked. “My golem!” Claude kicked the golem, making sure it was beyond dead – or as ‘dead’ as it could be considering it was never truly alive.
“No so bad, Gravenstein,” Cauterium said. “I knew you were an august choice.”
Azure’s jaw was wide open, her eyes nearly dead as the Doc put a hoof to her shoulder. “Don’t worry, Azure,” he said. “I’ve got it from here.”
“Them’s is tough words. But can you back yer bark up with enough bite?” Claude dared. He glanced at Cauterium “Don’t worry. I’ve got this. This egghead looks a little like he needs to put into his place – six hooves under.”
Doc frowned. “That’s a shame, I’ve got such an aversion to funerals. Specially my own. Oh, and one last thing.”
“Yeah? Wassat?”
“I don’t play fair.”
The Doc levitated out a small pill out a bag, eyeing it like a jeweler would a precious gem.
“Doctor, are you really going to...?” Azure asked.
He chuckled. “I didn’t exactly intend on it, but it’s a good thing that plan B never fails.”
“B-but it’z the culminazion of a month’z hard work, zhouldn’t we-” Azure tried, only to be cut off by a raised hoof.
“Azure, it was made for just this kinda situation. And I intend to use every advantage. Especially since you-know-who decided to sleep in late today.”
“Ees dzat a pill?" Narcissus questioned to nopony in particular, growing. “Ee ees a drug addict?”
“I’m sorry, guys, but it looks like you won't be able to leave for quite awhile,” chuckled the Doc, tossing the pill into his gaping maw, swallowing it whole.
Yay
455855
Ummmm wrong smiley?
Dayum, shit just got real!
Okay, I'm liking this story a lot! This Crimson character is a total waste of space, which can only mean he is one of the anti-elements. Cauterium is stronger than a had thought, but so far it doesn't look like he is a 'Mary Sue' type villain. Claude also surprised me. Now we just need to see what Powerpill has up his sleeve...
Also... Narcissus hasn't shown any abilities besides his 'perfume'... Hope to see more from him, cause I like his attitude about things.
Great work so far! I really like where this is going!
455994
Heh, more real than you can imagine ;)
456034
Thanks! By the way, a spoiler about Narcissus: he is master of scent, he have a wide assortiment of various paralysing, enraging ect. perfumes. But he is not exatly a physical fighter, more support one
456046 Makes sense. That's how I am as well (support, I mean) so I guess that might be another reason I like him.
Somepony faster than Rainbow Dash? Heresy! Great chapter though, not much I can find wrong with this, except for this.
"Celestia-molestia. Who cares about orders?"
Should be a comma, not a dash. And congrats, Cauterium just went from being a normal villain to being a bad@$$ villain. Also, why does he say finita la comedia? If I'm translating correctly, that means After the comedy, so why is he saying that? Anyway, can't wait for chapter 5. BTW, do I get a stalinview now?
456562
Into the queue! You'll be 6th (fifth)
About finita la comedia.... Well, it can be translated as "End of comedy". Don't trust google translator! It brang me so much pain
Thanks for comment and wait 5-6 days for stalinview! (sorry for long wait time, i can do only 1 stalinview per day, and there are other ppl as well)
i have returned from my position as Emperor of the United Empires of India, Japan, China, and Scotland to do a review!
White clouds shined through the midday sun, reflecting it's... Three issues right of the bat. While 'shined' is technically correct, you're better off suing the conjugation 'shone'. in this case 'it's' is possessive, so it should be 'its'. Lastly, this sentence doesn't make any sense. It's implying that the clouds are shining through the sun, which is silly; the 'midday sun' should shine through the 'white cloud'.
Your second paragraph starts off with curious wording. And I must ask, is this story in the past or present tense?
...but today, the clouds... - The period in extraneous at best here.
"‘Curse me and my big mouth’ Rainbow Dash thought" - While I'm not entirely sure if this applies, thoughts are usually treated like dialogue. That means that there should be a ' , ' after 'mouth'.
“What is that?...” Rainbow - Again, while I can't fine any specific rules regarding this, it's generally accepted that the '?' would go after the '...' is this case. I don't exactly know why, it's just considered proper.
...because of it’s shape... - Ditto for post uno. The 'it's' is possessive, so it should be 'its'.
...showing the marks of youth yet to pass. - You'd do well to put a 'had' after 'youth', otherwise it implies Dash is a physic who can predict the future of ponies just by looking at them. Scratch that, the whole sentence is curious. What in the hay is a 'mark of youth yet to pass'? Seriously, what does that even mean? WHAT‽
the young stallion’s.. - 'the' needs to be capitalized.
“Nah” He... - Needs a period after 'nah'.
the stallion crossed his - Capitalization? Yes we can! - didn’t I just say that I’ll pass? - ditto.
“Celestia-molestia. Who.. - Celestia. Molestia. Molestia. MOLESTIA. *Cringes* (No grammar errors, just a random thought)
...said she, chipping her teeth - I recommend against putting the action before the pronoun, at least with regards to dialogue. Also, you need a period after 'teeth'. Also, your implying she physically broke her teeth. You might want to substitute 'chattering' for 'chipping' as it works better.
...began to filling with red color. - Errors, on track again! First of all, there's no need for the preposition of 'to' before a present perfect tense word. Furthermore, 'red color' is just silly. The sentence would work better as 'Rainbow's face flushed with a palpable rage.' Must simpler, leaves more to the imagination while simultaneously being more descriptive - the goal of any writer.
After the above note,you start to get some horrible punctuation and capitalization errors. It get a bit to numerous to make note of, sorry, but it's rather noticeable.
...where did he get those... 'get' should be 'got'.
Rainbow was breathing labored - awkward phrasing. May I recommended: "Her chest heaved with each breath, each short, sharp, and ragged breath."
...her how BAD she really was! - This sentence implies that Dash is actually an awful flier, a blatant fallacy. Reword it to to 'had made her look bad' or something.
her lust to destroy grey stallion -Well, well, well. So little Dashie really is a hedonist. Tsk, tsk, tsk. (Lust means a' deep desire', however, it's usually used in sexual connotations. You're using it correctly , no doubt about that, it's just it's usually a sexual term.)
Rainbow tilts her head - two things: should be 'tilted' and the sentence needs a period.
different sizes and tribes - 'Tribes' does not make any sense in this situation. You might want to rephrase it as 'shapes and sizes', the common English alliteration for this kind of thing.
last tw words - 'tw' needs to be 'two'. Also, needs a period.
his voice was deep fake sadness rang in his voice. - This sentence does not make any sense. Would be better as: "His voice, a rich, gravely baritone, was marred by a facade of sadness."
His pupils were the shape of a cat's! - Nothing technically wrong here, but the '!' is odd. It stands out. Generally, you want to use '?'s and '!'s for dialogue. When done in description it just looks weird and draws attention to itself.
Three blazing spheres of horrifying green flames had appeared around him. The spheres began to slowly floating around.They almost seemed alive! - I just killed Gandalf; think of the children! Weh sind der Kinder! (Random side thought)
“So, this is your signature “Green Hunters”, Cauterium? - In American English, we use the ' " ' for dialogue; for 'quotes within quotes' we use the " ' " symbol. Ergo, "Green Hunters" should be 'Green Hunters' - note the ' . Bonus points, however, for punctuation outside the inner quotes (I'm serious, that's one thing that still plagues me)
Evil Grin marked Azure's face - Should be 'An evil grin marred Azure's face.' Also, sentence needs a period at the end.
Cauterium followed copper box cube with curiosity - This is wrong, but for odd reasons. This is a 'Dangling Modifier'; 'with curiosity' is modifying 'cube', which is improper. I, as a reader, know exactly what this means no problems, but it's improper grammar. Also, 'cube box' is redundant .Would be better as: "With an expression of the utmost intrigue, Cauterium's eyes followed the copper cube."
Mechanical creature known as golem. - This sentence would be better if it began as: "At once, what it was became clear to Cauterium: a golem. A being constructed from non-living matter; a creature fathered in haste, without a mother or a father; a thing without a navel, only the crisp coldness of the metal and magic of which gave it 'life'; a construct built for one express purpose: to serve - it was a slave by any other name."
The funny thing was that I was listening to a song about a golem, Mutter, as I was reading this. It was kinda creepy.
Get back to the kitchen!” - Claude Gravenstein was later lauded for his efforts in the 'Mare's Rights' movement. *Queue applause*
It stretched it’s arm to the double of it's lenghs, attempting to grab Claude with it's blunt claws. - Again, the use of 'its' here in the possessive form. 'It's' is a contraction of 'it' and 'is', 'its' indicates possession. Also, 'lenghs' should be spelled 'lengths'.
awhile” said Roy and swallowed his special drug - Needs a comma after 'awhile'. Also, may I recommend you phrase it as: "... chuckled Roy, tossing the pill into his gaping maw and swallowing it whole.
In conclusion: this chapter felt somewhat less polished.There number of punctuation and capitalization errors got so bad that I stopped making note of them unless they appeared as a sidenote. I can see where you went back in the earlier chapters and spruced things up, but this time around feels... off. It could use another round of editing.
Also a biggie: your word flow was stilted at best, meddlesome at worse. Many areas felt just plain hard to read, the word choice was particularly off. It looks kinda like a bad translation from Google, to be perfectly honest - perfectly legible and comprehensible, but weird looking and off putting. It was rather jarring to see the more refined versions of the earlier chapter to this - no offense, and I must stress that.
Also, dem pics. Roy looks kinda fat, and Azure is just adorable.
Again, I can't in good conscious assign a 1-10 rating for this. The system is either ludicrously arbitrary, or I'd have yo compare you alongside ALL MLP fanfics with regards to quality - something rather unfair for all of us.
Hope this help, at least in a vague sense. See you next DOH update/whenever you get your E-reader fixed!
"was assigned given leadership" choose either was assigned leadership or gwas given leadership, it's a little too wordy and confusing as is
"to kick him in his annoyed face" should be annoying, his face is annoying, unless hes annoyed at her, which makes sense... Nevermind
"with gloom expression" should be with a gloomy expression, the y makes it an adjective and I think you forgot the a.
Other than that, great chapter, and you grasp the English language a lot better than I understand Spanish (taken three years of it now)
456757
Ehh it's already after the edit you havent seen how much a mess it was before it. Anyway, thanks! I'll made adjustsments right now
Jspang, thanks!
And the story continues!
Nice display of our villain's powers. And I get the feeling Narcissus is a lot better preparing his special perfumes and getting info rather then direct fighting.
459978
Thanks!
Hey Stalin, just passing by... I thought you might appreciate some advice.
Your main issue seems to be with spacing and awkward grammar, well, since almost everybody already pointed it out, here's my take:
I don't know if its just my taste or something, but the battle scene just seems a bit odd with awkward phrasing and such, also, the golem part... I think you should add some dialogue lines for him.
Anyways, here's how I would change it. Some different dialogue and such, but essentially, pretty much the same situation.
______________________________________________________________________________
“Well, if isn't our little Azure, right Narcissus?” Cauterium looked depreciatively upon his nemesis, while the green stallion standing nearby made a mock bow.
“Oh, mademoiselle! You ‘aven’t changed since our last meeting in HQ, n'est-il pas?”
Azure gave him a stern gaze.
“Inventor Cauterium!” she proclaimed, holding up her gaze to Cauterium's. “By the authority passed on me by the High Five, we place you and Narcizzus under arrest! You are suspected of stealing Truth Brigade’s property and,,,"
"Save your little speech for somepony who cares about it, Azure. I didn't came this far to just give up now." Cauterium simply remarked, an ironic smile stamped on his face.
Azure Knowledge blushed faintly. “H-how dare you?!”
A dark-green stallion stood right behind Cauterium, he was carefully eyeing the Truth Brigade squad with a grim gaze, then, he shifted his eyes to Cauterium.
“Who in tarnation are these freaks?” he asked.
“These guys are from the Truth Brigade” Cauterium answered, emphasizing the mockery accent on the last two words. “A bunch of eggheads whom I stole from!” he shouted, enjoying Azure’s facial expression. "Not that it was such a hard thing... "
A gigantic male unicorn stepped forward from the squad.“So, you don’t deny your act of thievery?”
Cauterium merely grinned at the accusation.“You got a problem with that, fatso?”
Doctor Roy sighed.“I have to admit, I've expected more from a genius like you, but instead you fell down to a petty thievery. Tell me, Cauterium. Is that stallion in cohorts with you?”
He looked at Claude with a gloomy expression, while the dark-green stallion mirrored his gaze.
“Here's an idea, why don't you care about your own business, tough guy?” Claude snarled.
The unicorn sighed for a second time.“It is only regretrable that it came to this, if you really chosen to side with Cauterium, you are our enemy as well” His voice, a rich and grave baritone, was marred by a facade of sadness.
“Who are you anyway?”asked Cauterium “I have never seen you before. And it is hard to miss such a fat-ass”
“How dare you?!” Azure almost lunged on the grinning stallion before her, but the stoic gaze of her boss froze the mare to the ground.
“My name is Roy Powerpill. I was recently appointed new commissar of the Truth Brigade.” Roy stated as he cooly glared at Cauterium.
“Oh, is that so?...” Cauterium returned his glare
Suddenly, Claude slammed the ground.
“Enough of this charade! Ya’r here to fight, ain’t ya? Then less talking, more fighting, Ya freakin egghead marines!”
Narcissus looked at Claude with painful expression and sighed. Cauterium closed his eyes in thought.
“I am afraid I must agree with Claude here” he stated calmly “We don’t have much time to chat with losers.”
“Doctor Roy!” Azure shouted furiously “Permission to…”
But Roy simply ignored her. “It seems our attempts at negotiations have failed” he said sadly, then slowly turned his head to the voiceless masked soldiers behind him and took a deep breath.
Cauterium’s face took a bloodthirsty expression. Azure noticed that the stallion's pupils shifted to resemble the shape of a cat's.
“Seize them!” ordered Roy to the masked stallions. Twenty soldiers rushed toward the three lone ponies, trying to surround them.
Claude took a battle stance, ready to fight. He had waited for a good fight for a very long time, and now there was a perfect opportunity. But suddenly, he felt a light hoof patting his shoulder.
“Whadda ya want, sugar boy?” he asked with irritation
“You’re not needed here” whispered Narcissus thoughtfully.
Cauterium simply cackled maniacally at the charging soldiers. "You simple-minded whelps... LO AND BEHOLD TRUE POWER!"A blinding surge of green energy caused the charging ponies to stumble on their hooves, as Cauterium rose into the air, enveloped by a furious emerald glow of magical nature. With a motion of his hooves, he summoned three fiery green spheres, while his eyes shifted to a matching green coloration, much alike his fireballs' .The spheres begun to float around Cauterium's body, like they had a life of their own, to the point that every once in a while Cauterium had to shift his hooves as to remind the spheres that they were ultimately under his constraint.
Even Roy Powerpill, who was a calm stallion by nature and hard to scare, found his knees slightly shaking.
With a malicious grin, Cauterius raised his hoof into the air. One of the fireballs bombarded the twisted formation of panicking masked stallions, tossing the slowest ones around like a bunch of ragdolls. It was only a simply force blast though, it wasn’t meant to kill any of them, knocking them was satisfactory enough. Claude whistled at the display.
“Break formation!” ordered the tallest masked unicorn, making strange gestures to the soldiers around him. The squad divided, five unicorns had stood their ground, while the pegasi dashed to the air, trying to find an opening to strike. Cauterium monitored their tactical tricks with a major grin of self-confidence on his face.
The unicorns simultaneously began shooting white strings of immobilizing spells. White ropes enveloped Cauterium and began to wrapping him, but he only grinned and his eyes flashed.The white ethereal strings were set on fire, and the small green blazes soon covered all of the strings, the flame flickering toward the casters horns, scorching them in turn. The unicorns shrieked in pain, dispelling their spells .
In the very next moment, the pegasi decided to attack. They rushed toward the floating stallion, all from different angles, forcing him into the ring. But right before they could hit Cauterium, he disappeared in flash of green, only to appear outside of the ring. Unable to stop, the pegasi collided and fell right over their unicorn comrades.
“Finita la comedia!” Cauterium cheerfully shouted as he raised his hoof. A second fireball struck right into the pile of ponies, exploding with the force of an well placed apple buck. Fifteen unconscious ponies fell across the battlefield, as shock was painted across Azure’s face. The mare noticed that just as the stallion wasted his sphere, the fel coloration of his eyes begun to dim as well... now that Cauterium only had one sphere left, just his pupils remained green.
“So, it happens to be that the best ponies that the Brigade of Truth could muster...” Cauterium voiced his disappointment “In the end, are nothing but pathethic weaklings? I am almost touched by that... seems like your side is the outnumbered one now” The stallion cackled at the only remaining foes, Azure and Roy.
Roy got up on his hooves, nervously looking the floating cocoon of green flames that enveloped Cauterium.
“So, this is your signature spell ,"Green Hunters", Cauterium? I’ve heard that this spell depletes your magical energy instantly”
“You're familiar with my spells, then?" Cauterium smugly remarked. "For a weak unicorn such as yourself, it might, but I have improved beyond such limits”
“But you have only one "Hunter" left, And your horn is losing it’s color.You won’t be able to cast that spell again for a long time”
“Tsk” Cauterium’s face took slightly irritated expression “You’re smarter than you look, fat-ass,but don’t worry, just one hunter shall be enough to deal with the two of you.”
Roy sighed.“Azure” he looked at his assistant “Do it”.
“With great pleasure, doctor!” An evil grin marred Azure's face. “I suppose we should even the odds, Cauterium”
The mare floated a small copper cube and silver key from her saddlebag, suspending them in the air. With an expression of utmost intrigue, Cauterium's eyes followed the copper cube. The silver key penetrated the keyhole and turned three times with a horrbile screeching sound.
A flash of light illuminated the whole hill. The box began to change, rapidly growing and transforming into something gigantic. With a heavy stomping sound, a heavy bronze figure fell into the ground,raising an enormous cloud of dust.
It was a figure with strange proportions, It was Bipedal, with small legs and gigantic arms, its neckless “head” shaped like a dome with multiple gems adorning it. The whole thing was an odd mishmash of both technology and magic, with awkwardly placed components bustling with steam, holding up only thanks to the magic that gave birth to it. At once, what it was became clear to Cauterium: a golem. A being constructed from non-living matter; a creature fathered in haste, without a mother or a father; a thing without a navel, only the crisp coldness of the metal and magic of which gave it 'life'; a construct built for one express purpose: to serve - it was a slave by other name.
"Dzt-37 prototype unit operational, how may I serve you, madam Azure?" The machine spoke without any hint of emotion on his tone.
“Oh, dear Azure, I knew you would end up using your toys to play with me!” Cauterium grinned happily.
“But I am on a tight schedule today, instead, lets just see how well your little tin puppet can withstand fire"
With another movement of his hooves, he launched his last ball of fire toward the mechanical bulk, aiming at the center of its wide chest. But Azure only grinned.
"Now! Open the magic containment device!"
In answer, the golem’s chest opened, revealing a strange device that resembled a beehive shaped glass plate. The fireball flew right in. Cauterium’s and Narcissus’ faces both took stunned expressions when the glass plates completely absorbed the flames, leaving not a single spark behind.
“What the…” Cauterium‘s voice rung with surprise.
“Well, to put it simply, I have improved” Azure mocked, parodying Cauterium’s intonation, then, she turned to her golem. "Give it back to him."
"Combat systems engaged, calculating trajectory... probability of sucess, eighty per cent." The machine voiced dispassionately.
The golem had raised it’s left arm, revealing that it had no hand, but some kind of tube in its place.
In the next moment, the very same green fireball flew from the tube towards a stunned Cauterium. He gathered all of the chaotic green energies around him, creating a solid barrier of emerald material. The green fireball collided with the barrier and disintegrated the shield along with itself. Narcissus gasped.
Cauterium fell to the ground heavily. His horn had lost it’s color completely. Not a single spark of magical energy remained in the exhausted brown stallion.
“Bravo!” Roy cheered to his assistant “You have surpassed yourself with that new custom part, my dear!”
Azure blushed after hearing the complement.
Cauterium rose from the ground and laughed.“Heh, look’s like your dollcraft has improved, Azure” he mocked “I remember those times when your dolls were about as fragile as spring ice”
Azure gave him hateful look."You have lost, Cauterium. You are coming with us. All of you."
Cauterium shook his head."Who told you that we lost?” He looked at Claude, who had watched the entire fight with the golem with a blank expression.
“Could you give me a hoof, wielder of Gloom?”
Without a single word, Claude slowly moved toward the copper figure, accompanied by the cautious looks of Azure and Roy. He stopped few meters before the golem and looked at it’s master with disgust.
“Using toys to fight for ya is the way of a weaklings.” his voice boomed. “If ya want to fight, come fight yar'rself, don't be hidin' like a filly! And since you’re a mare that means the battlefield is not a place for ya! Get back to the kitchen where you belong!”
Azure winced.“H-how dare you, brute?!” She looked at Roy, the unicorn nodded in turn.
"Seize him" Azure ordered the golem.
Suddenly, the stilled golem began to move. It stretched its arm to the double of its ordinary lenght, attempting to grab Claude with it's blunt claws.
Claude dodged the stretched arms with amazing agility for his size, lunging toward the mechanical creature. He stopped right before it and took a strange stance. “Go back to the junkyard!” He kicked golem right on the center of its hull with both of his hooves ,tipping the mechanical doll on its back. Azure gasped.
“Watch closely, lass” Claude grinned, looking at Azure “This is what happens to all who decide its a smart idea to get in my way!” He jumped high into the air and leaped upon the construct, smashing the golem into the ground with incredible force. The doll’s armor bent under the gigantic pressure, destroying the golem’s delicate inner components.
"Structural damage at seventy five per cent... unable to...critical... error" The damaged machine chirped in turn, releasing large clouds of smoke.
“NO!” shrieked Azure “My golem!”
Claude bucked the broken doll away with disgust. Roy sadly looked at his assistant, who was beginning to cry.
“Not bad, blockhead!” exclaimed Cauterium, looking at the trashed and deformed golem “I knew I was right for bringing you along!”
Azure looked at her leader, barely holding away the tears.“Master… I…”
Roy placed a hoof over her shoulder.“Don’t worry, Azure. I won’t let them escape”
“Bold words for an egghead” Claude said with his usual gloom expression.
“Guess ya’ll are going to be my next opponent? Good. Ya look tough enough for me”
Roy looked at him with sad expression.“Unfortunately, I am not what you call a “fair fighter”.
He levitated a little object from his saddlebag and looked at it thoughtfully for a few seconds.
“Doctor! Are you really going to use that?” Azure asked, her voice filled with worry
“I never wanted to, but it seems we have no choice now” Roy looked at Azure grimly
“But we spent an entire month on that! Maybe we…” Azure was cut off when Roy shook his head.
“No, Azure. I have created it especially for situations like this” he stated pulling out a special pill from the bag.
“Is that a pill?" Narcissus asked with a frown.
“I am sorry guys, but it looks like you wont be able to move for awhile,” chuckled Roy, tossing the pill into his gaping maw and swallowing it whole.
462586
Thanks for the effort! Although, i found somepony who will help to rewrite all chapters entirely, but still i'll use some of your ideas!
By the way, solem has o artifical intellect. It can't talk and it is not entirely a robot. it's more like magic-powered doll, knowing simple voice commands
463585 yeah, I just assumed that it was more akin to a complex machina instead of a doll-like golem. The battle was nice and everything,apart from the odd phrasing. I mostly changed Cauterium' remarks to be more corrosive, since he is battling against ponies he hates and genuinely despises and his sharp wit is one of his best traits.
464765
Heh, Spoiler: he don't hate Azure. It's exact opposite :)
Hope you don't mind but I found a mistake:
...was assigned given leadership... either word will do
Also this:
How dare that Pegasus take a nap when I am working my tail off!’ she growled in her mind.
I had to at, Rainbow naps all the time when she should be working....very hypocritical of you there Rainbow
another awesome chapter, fearless leader. Everyone else already pointed out flaws, and you know im in no position to point flaws out, either. So, in closing, I can't wait for the next chapter.
468833>>468641
Thanks, guys! Also, chapter five shall be out today
So we have another Element on our hands. Crimson Thunder. I like him already. He infuriates Dash for sure...But I can really see them getting along. I mean, they're exactly alike, lazy, rude, competetive. It would totally work out. And his powers, they're quite unique. Though, if Dash had pulled off a SonicRainboom, I think she'd be able to keep up.
And the Cau, it's nice to see him finally do something awesome for once. (But he still has the air of someone who's over his head. Probably a minion of some overlord or something.) But what I really loved his little chats with Azure. (Was he flirting with her?) I think so anyways. I don't know why. It just seemed cute. It was also great to see that they had some prior intimate knowledge. (LIke, friends, or aquantances, or even competitive rivals...probably all three.) I would love to see more of these two later on.
And a golem was an excellent addition. Ancient beasts and machines always add new depths to this world.
Claude....'Get back to the kitchen'...Okay, he's not only rude, he's sexist. I really, REALLY!, hope some mare kicks him in his special place. I mean, I hate those guys. HATE HATE HATE! They give the rest of us males a bad name.
And this pill of Roy's. I wonder what it does. (Definetly a good place to have a cliffhanger.)
Keep up the good work.
Alright, Crimson Thunder...I hope Dash bucks you between the legs....then kisses you. (I don't know why, I just want him to get hurt for, well, hurting her. *he made her cry* and then make up. Why? Well, because they share, somewhat, of a personality.)
(It was definetly entertaining to see this version, which is much better then the last.)
I must slap the crap outta Crimson Thunder for the lulz.
Let's get to it!
"The calf never saw it coming. Dash bucked, her buck compounded in force by her impossible speed, breaking the prey’s neck and separating it from the body. Her momentum maintained, she tore its entire body in half."
Geez. I get that you're sort of playing with the words, taking the metaphor to it's literal extreme, but that was still.... unsettling, even though I knew it was a cloud all along.
"it had probably been the only thing that got through the hospital so quickly when she broke her wing not too long before.'"
the only thing that got her through the hospital
"She and her mouth-that-could-swallow-a-watermelon-whole"
I know this is a colorful way of saying "big mouth," but it doesn't exactly sound like that at first... you may want to keep to tradition here.
Which is really too bad because I like that metaphor, it just sounds.... suggestive. Or maybe that's just me.
"And she’d make dang sure that everypony was doing their part"
"and Rainbow ‘Damn the Torpedos’ Dash was on the job, repercussions also be damned."
If you aren't afraid to curse, you should change that first line there, because it sounds weird when said out loud.
Also, I'm going to call her Rainbow 'Damn the Torpedoes' Dash from now on
“Ya know, if not for the fact you’re yelling at me, violently shaking me like a retarded girl might a soon-to-be-crushed-and-dead bunny, I might’ve assumed you were an angel - barring your voice.”
Too wordy, especially for dialogue. Get rid of the "might a soon-to-be-crushed-and-dead bunny" bit and the "barring your voice" remark, and it'll be much more believable.
“That name’s Crimson Thunder.”
The name's Crimson Thunder
"And if need eight hooves I’d be happy to assist"
Maybe I'm just being ignorant, but I honestly don't know what he's saying here.
Is this Crimson Thunder guy bi-polar or something? His transition from calm condensation to violent rage was a rather quick one, and it appears to switch back and forth pretty quickly.
"Equo y equo, eh?"
I'm not sure if I love this or it drives me crazy. Mano y mano means: one on one, so the'res no reason to change it. On the other hand, it's hilarious.
"When at last she did reach the finish line, her body threatening to abandon her to leave her to fend for herself."
her body threatened
"crimson fly outta view,"
out of view. Don't write phonetically when not in dialogue.
"cute, little accent,"
cute little accent. no comma
"Cau replied, his mouth seeping a wet mass of condensation."
Dude, that's creepy
Seriously, though, I don't think the reader needs to know this.
"Cau facehoofed."
You cleverly avoided using this term with Rainbow Dash, you can do it again.
"those who fought for anti-Harmoney."
Harmony
"his body reclining as in in a particularly comfortable sofa,"
as though in a particularly blah blah blah
"Those who were too slow to dodge the attack, most of them,"
Those who were too slow to dodge the attack; which was most of them,
Cau has rolled his eyes at least three times in this battle. Try to reduce that; use some other actions to describe his boredom.
"I’m gonna go King Arthur on your Black Knights!”
Since the whole of Equestria is ruled by two princesses, I don't think they have any kings. Also, like the Newton thing, you could probably come up with a pony-equivalent name for Arthur.
"It cleared the distance in seconds, it was upon him just as fast."
I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. should it maybe be "He cleared the distance in seconds" ?
"With twisted his neck to the side,"
He twisted his neck to the side
Now to the general stuff:
Your writing is certainly getting more colorful, though this chapter was a little lacking in content. You developed Rainbow Dash much better than any of your own OC's, which doesn't work; we already know who she is, and we don't need to be convinced she's a deep character.
Crimson thunder was certainly amusing, but I do feel like he lacked a certain consistency. He came off as very rough around the edges, but a lot of his dialogue was eloquent and precise. If he's supposed to have an underlying intelligence that may explain it, but it also puts him dangerously high on the Mary-sue scale.
Roy needs a consistent dialect, especially considering he speaks with one. A lot of his dialogue seems very casual and average (sometimes even southern), but he occasionally busts out the advanced vocabulary; it needs to be one or the other. Considering he's a leader in a scientific organization, I believe he should speak more like Cau; casual but without a lot of slang.
I like where it's heading, though! Especially that the mane 6 look like they're going to get a lot more involved, which should be interesting!
Alrighty then, now for chapter 4
She Could be but one pony: DOVAKIIN--I mean Rainbow Dash.
Seriously, you make her out to be a predator to the sky, I like that. Gives her a sense of power when all she's doing is kickin' clouds. :3
What's a Mar?
Crimson thunder is a total lazy Douche. I can see he'll be the Element of Betrayal--Did I read into it early?
Wooow. He beat Dash? But..HOW? Jeez, Laziness can get you far!
Aw...Poor Dash, She's Crying! Crimson, you A******! You beat her, and insulted her!
And here we are with Azure and Cau! Ooh! the Doc's here! They gon' fight? Oooh! They ARE.
And he wins, I almost forgot that he was maaaaagical. XD
This is perhaps the first time I've ever seen a golem in a fic. PROPS.
Ah, so it cam absorb attacks and shoot them back at'cha. Very nice.
BOTTOM LINE: The story so far shows a few characters that will be memorable in the personality department. SO far, Gravenstein is my favorite Character, for obvious reasons. The fight scene was good, but could've had more. I dont know if it's just me, but it could've had more in it, if you know what I'm trying to say.
I WILL say, that the Golem? That right there, is pretty nice to see. It's the literal first time I've ever seen a golem in a fic. So Kudos, man!
With that, Chapter 5's right here, and I'm sober. Let's do this.
Alright, let's get started.
leaving a sunny trail of carnage through the marigold-like cloud layer.
I see what you were trying to do, but the way this is worded suggests that the a path of destruction that happens to be sunny. You'll need to rework the use of carnage.
As was tradition in the land of Equestria, someone had to clear the cloud layer, making headway for the bright mass of hydrogen blazing through God’s domain.
This sentence has two problems. The first part of the sentence is explaining this as if the reader is someone not in Equestria. While this is a true fact, you don't want the narrative to talk like that. While this can be okay in some stories, a story as serious as this isn't one. The second issue is the use of God. It's not that referencing God, Christianity, or anything like that is wrong. But since it's not directly in the show, you need to establish a God existing/being believed in before using it in the narrative. As it is, it ruins the immersion.
A pegasus, a mare, shook her mane free of lingering wisp of cumulonimbus. Her body was lean and tone, her coat a light blue, her eyes a brilliant rose in color, and her cutie mark a cloud spewing a red, gold, and blue lightning bolt. Yet her most stand-out feature was her mane and tail, a characteristic rainbow of straight-edged colors complemented by her short-cut mane.
She could be but one pony: Rainbow Dash.
This is an infodump of the worst kind; an infodump without being in someone's point of view. This is a problem and comes of clunky. Same thing I've been saying; work the details into their actions. I know it's hard, but you might have to let some things go for the sake of flow. Now just isn't the time to mention what color her eyes are. Don't jest tell me that her main is the color of the rainbow and is short-cut. Tell me that she shook cumulonimbus clouds from her short-cut mane, allowing the vibrant rainbow of colors she possessed to be seen.
For Rainbow Dash was the resident leader of the Ponyville Weather Patrol, her only superiors being the brass in Canterlot, the capital city. It was in her contract to prepare the weather in accordance with princess Celestia’s wishes.
Again, you're straight up telling me things. You were on a roll up until this point. If you really feel this is important information to relay to your reader, then your best tool is to have Dash think about it in an offhand kind of way. You also continue this telling trend as your describing Dash to me, so you'll want to touch that up.
One of the many things they taught young pegasi in flight camp was how to distinguish types of clouds. Almost out of pure memory, Rainbow Dash could recite the names, definitions, and descriptions of every type of cloud in the sky. And little black dots on a white background did not register as any such cloud.
This sounds a lot more ominous than it actually is since you made it a stand alone paragraph. You might want to rework it.
Her face scrunched with pure unbridled rage as she reached him, close enough to hear his snores.
'Rage' seems like a bit much, especially unbridled rage. I could understand annoyance, even frustration, but rage? Even anger would be going too far. She can get angry/enraged when he easily beats her later, but now is not a good time.
Rainbow “Damn the Torpedos” Dash was on the job, repercussions also be damned.
You misspelled 'Torpedoes,' but this reference, in or out of universe, makes little sense in this context. I'm sure there's a meaning, but it's not easy to see.
“Get your lazy flank up! We’ve got clouds to clear!” Dash barked.
I read ahead a little bit, so I know why Dash is angry. That said, it contradicts a few things, both in the show and in what you've already written. There is a team that clears and maintains the clouds in the sky. A specific group trained to do so. They don't go into it, but destroying a cloud probably takes as much technique as bucking apples out of a tree, in order to make sure it doesn't reform or something to that effect. As such, the only reason everypony would be involved would be under the condition of a massive change/cleanup like Winter Wrap-Up and the Running of the leaves or an emergency of some kind. You even mention the fact that there's specific ponies for the job when you bring up Dash's echelon (I had to look up that word). So this anger at him not cleaning up is confusing, especially since she doesn't recognize him. Then she goes on about how Celestia ordered for the sky to be cleared and that everypony should help. I've already mentioned how there's a group of ponies that should be doing this, but if every pegasus was involved in doing so, there would be a heck more ponies in the sky. So, as it is, this whole 'angry about the weather' thing had a massive amount of fallacies one way or another.
Dash’s right eye twitched.
That right/left thing again. Unless direction is really important, just say that her eye twitched.
she spun around and bucked his cloud best, utterly disintegrated it and forcing him into the air
Do you you 'bed' instead of 'best'? And that 'disintegrated' should be 'disintegrating'.
let alone actually hovering in them without breaking a sweat.
That 'hovering' should be 'hover', given the rest of the sentence.
And if need eight hooves, yours and mine,
And if you need eight hooves, yours and mine,
“PAINT ME A TAPESTRY SO THAT I MIGHT EXPERIENCE THE BEAUTIFUL ART OF THE INCOMPETENT VIXEN PONIES!”
More of a warning than a correction; Don't go nuts with using all-caps to represent shouting. It loses it's meaning if used to often. It might be a stretch to use it here, it might not. It's more of a taste thing, honestly.
“You will leave me along this instant and let me sleep, got it‽” he snarled, jumping up onto
a small cloud and punching at another cloud like a completely reasonable pony would.
That 'along' should be 'alone', but the bit about him doing something that's reasonable is contradicting his rather unreasonable speech, and not in a funny way. Its that thing I said about the torpedoes; it's not making much sense.
The sky exploded. Clouds for miles around evaporated as Crimson Thunder plunged into a conical, horizontal tornado of red lightning. It tore past Dash, the energy washing her and sending her mane on end with static.
So, he basically did a Crimson Boom thing. Okay... two problems with this that I hope you'll address at some point. One; This obviously isn't the first time he did it. Other ponies would notice and see its similarities to the Sonic Rainboom. Two; how did that other pony that just showed up not notice the gargantuan explosion? If this weren't an adventure story, I wouldn't care. But you're obviously going for a more realistic approach. So, what gives?
He glanced at his snowy creation and frowned. “Pity. It could use a nose.”
The narrative two paragraphs ago mentioned it lacked a nose. Don't say it twice, and keep the one where it's crimson that says it.
Her right forehoof rose into the air and clashed against his Crimson’s face with as much strength as she was worth – something one would do well not to sneeze at.
Remove that 'his' if you don't mind. Also, try to make it more clear that it's her strength that shouldn't be sneezed at. As it is, it looks like I shouldn't sneeze at her punching Crimson's face.
Seeing crimson fly out of view,
Capitalize Crimson.
Her her reason to exist, as shown by her cutie mark
You wrote 'her' twice. you also might want to make this part a little more dramatic since, in Dash's mind, her entire world crumbled. To be more dramatic, use shorter, quicker sentences, and maybe more of them. That's just one idea.
By order of the High Five,
I just thought I'd point it out now before I forget; I laughed pretty darn hard at High Five.
You are zuzpected of stealing the Cerchen’s property and abuzing the headmazter’s influence!”
You're a little inconsistant with her accent here. There are still some Ss (I have no idea how to type plurals of letters) where there ought to be Zs. And the C in 'influence' should be as well, technically, since it's a soft C.
his mouth seeping a wet mass of condescension.
I think you've used the word condensation and its variations a few too many times by this point. You should remove a use of it. Remember, you want as few repetitive things as possible.
A gigantic, male unicorn stepped forward.
A little confusing, but you don't need to narrative pointing out the gender of characters that are obviously male. If anypony can tell it's a guy, then the narrative can to. Take out the male and just go into using 'him' and 'his'.
“You’re one awful villain, ya know? The rules of villainy clearly state that you’ve gotta reveal your evil plan and admit your misdeeds right as you're about to kill or think your gonna win or whatever.” He shook his head. “You really are incompetent, aren’t you?”
The problem with an adventure story is that its hard to know when it is or isn't okay to have a joke. You've already shown Doc to be business. This joke doesn't fit with him. Some other pony needs to deliver it, or you need to establish sooner that he says stuff like this. The Molestia reference you made before was fine and tactful because that was describing Crimson to us and how he behaves. Doc making this joke really isn't funny because we've already seen Doc is intelligent and, honestly, this joke requires you to be stupid to think it's true.
“It’s non-lethal, you twits.” Claude whistled as the flaming ponies stopped moving,
The period should be a comma. This also seems contradictory, since, you know, they stop moving and it's mentioned that only those left fight.
making gestured to every-which-way The Cerchen divided, the five standing unicorns
That 'gestured' should be 'gestures' and there should be a period after 'way' I think.
as the pegasi took to Heaven,
Heaven with an uppercase implies that they're heading towards a place, an actual Heaven. A better phrase, though old, would be took towards the heavens.
”See now, the problem is that
Somehow, that quotation mark is backwards.
An evil grin manifested itself upon Azure's face, contorting her face into a foul mockery of itself.
An 'evil grin' is pretty strong for this. There's a right way to use this, but out-and-out stating it isn't it. A short lesson on this kind of thing if you wanted Azure to really hate Cau; there needs to be little hints that build up to such a radical transition, because then it's not so radical.
“Oh, dear Azure, I knew you would end up using your toys to play with me, you naughty little filly,” Cau remarked through a devilish smirk. “It’s a shame I’m in a rush. I’ll have to break your little toy before we can get any playtime with it.”
Rolling his eyes, Cauterium launched the last fireball at the golem. He cocked a lazy brow at how Azure grinned at his attack rather than flinch.
Too many toys. This should also all be one paragraph, since it's Cau doing all the talking and action here.
It lunged and arm at him its right hand aiming for Claude’s neck.
an arm
“Now watch closely, lass,” he cooed, his voice trickling malice by the very seams.
This is a bit of an issue throughout the whole story, but not as apparent as this. Some descriptions just can't go together without the character and situation have been molded or shown to fit it. The idea of cooing and being full of malice is a bit contradictory since the word 'coo' originated from the sound doves and gentler birds made. There's a right way to do it, but Claude isn't the right character to pull it off from what has been shown of him.
It trosal cavity buckled as it blew to the ground.
That should be 'its'. Also, are you don't mean the dorsal cavity?
There, that's the technical errors. I'm getting sleepy...
So, what's bad. I've already mentioned to rather quick transitions between feelings. It's a little out of character how angry Dash starts out, though it's in character for her to eventually get there. Does that make sense? Slow the character's drastic change in feelings down a bit, the to biggest offenders being Dash and Azure. Cau has his own problem in the second act after the golem launches the hate-ball back. Up until this point, Cau had a Magnificent Bastard quality to him. He was calm, cool, collected, smart, good with words, cocky for all the right reasons, and a villain. His change there is wrong because it's stuck between the two things a Magnificent Bastard tend to do when something seems to go wrong; become scarier or go really nuts. Cau was obviously distressed, but he was still coherent. That didn't make him scary or threatening. He should either stop playing with his words and take the enemy seriously as his blood starts to boil, or he should start to lose it, Narcissus pulls him back, and Claude takes over.
And now, your big question; the action scenes. There is one MAJOR flaw that made it hard to read. Try as I might, I couldn't figure out where this was taking place. The is no description in either the narrative or the dialogue that suggests where the heck they are. This alone is a big problem. I couldn't tell the where or the when.
Other than that, it's not terrible. It really just needs to be touched up in some specific ways. The biggest thing is knowing how to delegate words and time. In your story, the amount of words practically represent time. The longer you spend describing something, the clunkier it can get. In the reverse, not spending enough words makes some readers feel gimped in what actually happened. You spend a little too many words describing Cau's hate-ball summon, and too little words describing the golem popping out. Granted, you were intelligent to know that one will be seen more throughout the story and thus needed more words, but you must also look at it from a chapter to chapter basis. This kind of problem prevails in the whole section. I can touch it up personally, but I need to either write it myself or the ability t leave comments on google docs. There are so many little things that could be touched up and added that I'd be here for ages writing everything that could be done. In all honesty, your descriptions during the part with Dash and Crimson were much better than the ones in the action scene. Part of that is because your slightly poetic style doesn't really lend itself to fights.
That's what's wrong. What's right is the fantastic characters. Aside from Cau's red-eye-reaction and Azure giving an evil smile, these character are interesting, and you show me about them through their dialouge so very well. I found myself wrapped up in the back-and-forth Dash and Crimson were having, and Dash's wonderfully reacting to being beaten. The good guys and the bad guys talking during the battle was what really keeps that part going, and it does a really good job of it. It feels so realistic, it's obvious you put a lot of effort into making these characters appear in words as they do in your head. I want to know more about them. This is also one of the few stories I've ever read that successfully managed to switch who was the protagonist and antagonist and not feel clunky. Even better, it feels conducive to your writing style. Good job.
Sincerely,
The Conflicted Writer