White room. Black furniture. That sterile light. It was a prison by any other name, just one without locks or bars, the inmate keeping himself in. But to Cauterium, this place was home, as it had been for good many years. Only in his home, his gilded and self-imposed cage, are his thoughts truly one; only there do the monsters go away; only there does his mind unfurl itself and sun, bringing with it all of Cau’s genius.
For it was Cauterium ‘Cau’ who had been sentenced to death. He had often asked himself what crime he had committed, the deafening silence being his only answer in those darkest times. For him there was but one hope: that he defeat his enemy, thus earning his clemency.
For it was Cauterium who could pass his sentence onto his foe. He could buy his life by taking those which stood before him, for his life was already forfeit. And should he fail, he would not only condemn himself but his country and all he holds dear.
To Cau, only death, despair, and enslavement of his countrymen awaited him should he fail or falter. He made no illusions: he was a dead stallion walking. His only choice was to die fighting, or to survive it – and he was already dead. He had been dead since before he had moved to Equestria; since when he had helped create a political entity that sought world domination through slavery and genocide. It was him home, and he would die to defend it. It was only too convenient that he was already without life.
Cau shook his head, clearing his head of his morbid reality. To his left was a light-green stallion with a huge Narcissus Flower in his mane. Narcissus was taking in the deathly sights and sounds with the utmost less-than grace.
“Ohhh, beau! Don’t tell moi dzat this lair is your residence!” Narcissus wrinkled his nose and gagged at the layers upon layers of caked dust. “Dzis place needs a wrap up, beau! Look how much dirt dzere is!” He gestured at the light. “Dzis light is dangerous for your eyes, beau! No wonder dzat you have your glasses always on! You should-“
“WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?” Cau barked.
Narcissus rolled his eyes, cooing, “Oh, Beau! Don’t be so nervous. Moi just cares about you!”
Cau sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Just-just keep quiet for a minute – please! I need to focus.” He slowly approached the mechanism that made up the room’s centerpiece. There were six gemstones, all wired together, but only five glowed with an ethereal light; the sixth gem did not gleam, for it yet waited for a host.
Cauterium pursed his lips to the side, sticking his tongue out by the thinnest of margins. His brow furrowed in concentration as he observed the device with an almost lustful gaze.
“Is dzat your precious device, beau?”
“No, it’s my vending machine. I use it to serve all the snazziest soda in all of Equestria. Would you like a Diet Rocky Dew?”
A moment of silence.
“Of course it is, genius! What else would it be?”
“Oh, you are nervous again, beau! Calm down. Moi just likes to hear you answer.”
Cau sighed, grinding his teeth as he attempted to block Narcissus out. In an attempt to ignore his twittering compatriot, he grabbed at one of the gems in a field his magic. His particular selection was a crimson and heart-shaped ruby, simultaneously disconnecting the associated wires, as he picked it up. Concentration still well and dandy, he proceeded to repeat the process with the remaining four gems, leaving the final gem, the one without a light, to its own devices.
As the gems floated in air, bobbing up and down as they defied Sir Isaac Newton, Narcissus found himself staring at them.
“The gems of Clarity are just too fascinating,” Narcissus mumbled, eyes unwilling to leave the gems.
Cau cracked a smirk. “Their aesthetics are less-than pressing as far as I’m concerned; it is their ability that harbors my interest.” He chuckled.“ Small wonder why they tried to keep them from my hoofs. Though I must admit, they didn’t put up a fight once I ‘liberated’ them.”
“They’re like changelings, no? Taking on the forms and powers of others. Truly a natural wonder, n'est-il pas?” Narcissus replied in an absentminded tone.
“And now,” Cau chuckled,” now it is filled with information – info on the Elements.” He licked his lips. “Now all we’ve to do is find our fellow comrades-in-arms.”
Narcissus shook his head. “Eet shall be a difficult task, beau. Loyalty, Laughter, Generosity, Kindness, and Honesty. Even if we find ponies dzat are worthy, dzey will not necessarily support your ideals.”
Cau only smiled. “Do you really think that I didn’t calculate that into my plans?”
“Dzen what are you going to do, beau?” Narcissu inquired, tilting his head a few degrees to the side.
“Just watch,” Cau responded, trotting over to a black box in an odd corner of the room. In place of a lock, there was a large hole. Cau made as if to ram the box, only to prod his horn into the container, giving a pulse of magic to activate it.
With a sickly green flash, the chest opened.
“Ou, beau... W-what ees dzat dzing?” Narcissus gasped.
By the emerald green of Cau’s magic, a gemstone rose into the air. The gem was spherical, its surface blacker than the darkest, most moonless night. Within its confines swirled a black, smoke, sedimentary mass of energy – bringing to mind the image of a Tesla coil. The gem looked evil, it felt evil; even the light seemed to shy away from it.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Cau murmured.
“No, beau.” Narcissus gulped. “Eet ees… Eet ees Firstborn Darkness! Eet ees horrible!” Just looking into it, Narcissus felt his soul being torn away from his body, consumed by the raw blackness of infinite night. It was as though dark, hungry fiend had reached out to him, deciding it was him that it would violate with its etched tendrils of shadow.
“You’re smarter than you look, Narcissus. This IS a part of Firstborn Darkness.”
“But where did you get this?”
“I, uh, ‘borrowed’ it from the Garden of the Truth, along with Gems of Clarity.” Cauterium flashed Narcissus an evil grin.
“Those Treowth guys has DZAT dangerous thing in the Garden?”
Cau’s grin didn’t even falter. “You’re surprised? Those freaks get everything and anything, no matter how dangerous it might be, for their research. What else would you expect for ‘Celestia’s finest’?”
“But what are YOU going to do with dzis, beau?” Narcissus asked, taking a single step back.
“Just watch. I’ll going to change these Elements of so-called 'goodness' for, heh, good.”
*****
A bird, a mockingbird, sang his song outside a Ponyville window - a window on a building that ostensibly was a tree. Within the tree, however, was a library.
“Just five more minutes,” Twilight groaned, rolling over, eyes not even open. The mocking bird insisted.
“Wha’ she sssaid,” Spike agreed through a drowsy slur.
The mocking bird insisted that Twilight pay attention to its “beautiful song”, going as far as to hop through the window and onto her bed. Twilight slowly opened her eyes to face the music of the morrow – and the bird.
“Shut up!” she growled, throwing her pillow at the bird. The bird squawked as the mass of fluff impacted him, sending him tumbling to the floor. It sputtered around on the floor before righting itself and yelling curses in its bird language to Twilight who, unfortunately for the mockingbird, did not speak bird.
Twilight grumbled something about getting an electric bird fence put up around her house as she crossed her arms and used them as an impromptu pillow.
Somepony rapped upon her front door; Twilight did not heed it. It came again. And again. Until finally Twilight rolled her way out of the warmth of the covers and into the coldness of her library.
Twilight lolled her head about, craneing a bit of stiffness out from the night prior. The knocker rapped again. “I’m coming, I’m coming,” she called out, shuffling her hooves and yawning the last bits of drowse out of her system.
With a frown, she walked by her vanity, seeing how messed up her mane was. She casually ran a hoof through it, getting ride of the worst offenders amongst it.
The clopping of her hooves remained her nigh silent companion. And then, finally, “M-may I help you?”
A mare stepped forwards through the wooden portal. The god-rays reflected off the glasses on her nose as she bowed her head. Her coat was a mix of azure and faint white stains; her mane was a keen grayish-blue hue, topped off with multiple braids. Her cutie mark depicted two crossed scrolls. The only other notable feature of this mare was a silver chain and clock hanging around the mare’s neck.
“Good morning. My name iz Azure Knowledge,” she offered, her tone very matter-of-fact. “You may call me Azure, Mizz Twilight Sparkle.”
“What’s the ruckus about?” someone called out from somewhere behind Twilight. She glanced over her shoulder to see Spike standing on the stairs, rubbing his eyes, a blank expression on his face.
“Morning, Spike. We seem to have guests.”
“Oh,” he replied, walking off in a seemingly random direction.
“So, um, okay, uh, Miss Azure, do you need something from the library?” Twilight inquired.
Azure shook her head. “Not today, Mizz Twilight.” She bowed her head slightly. “We only have some queztions to ask you.”
“What kind of questions?” Spike asked, suddenly reappearing by Twilight’s side, evoking a small jump from Twilight.
Azure turned her head to incredibly bulky unicorn, her sole companion. His coat was faint lavender, while his mane was dark lavender. The stallion gestured to his cutie mark, a large red-top and white-bottom pill. The way his almost buggy eyes lazily looked about gave Twilight the impression he was dead-tired, a thought contradicted by most everything else about him.
“Doctor Power Pill,” Azure asked, “pleaze show them.”
“Of course,” ‘Doc’ replied, his voice a deep baritone that was strangely calm, almost affectionate in its tone, a curious contrast to his huge bulk. A soft purple light found itself encasing his horn, that same light opened up his saddlebag and levitated out a poster.
The poster floated through the air to Twilight. Thinking her eyes were still adjusting to the light, she fluttered her eyelids. When the image stayed whom she thought it was, she gasped. It was that same light-brown stallion with glasses from the day before.
Twilight adjusted her jaw back to where it belonged, saying, “Y-yes, we have seen this stallion. W-why do you ask?”
Azure Knowledge took a step forwards. “Thiz ztallion is a zuzpect of a crime, mizz Twilight.”
“What kind of crime?” Spike asked, a puzzled expression dominating his features.
Azure blinked, holding her eyes shut for a solid three seconds as she let out a long exhale. “About a week ago, zomeone broke into the Garden of Truth and ztole the Academy’s property. Zix Gems of Clarity, to be exact.” Twilight’s left eye twitched as her jaw fell to the floor.
“Hey, Twilight,” Spike whispered, “what is she talking about?” He elbowed her. “Hey, you okay?”
Twilight shook her head as if drying it of water. “Y-yeah, I’m fine.” She bit her bottom lip. “I’ll tell you later, okay?” Spike rolled his eyes, groaning as he nodded. Twilight turned her attention back to Azure. “Why do you suspect Microscope?” Twilight asked.
“M-Microzcope? We don’t zuspect the headmaster,” Azure replied, cocking a brow into the air.
“No? But-” Twilight started, only to be cut off by Dr. Power Pill.
“Miss Twilight,” he stated, his done lacking any inflection. “Please tell us how you met the stallion from the picture”.
“Ok, here goes,” Twilight replied.
In the span of a few minutes Twilight recounted her brief experience with the stallion from yesterday, conveniently leaving out the parts where she had really weird feeling towards him. Azure intently stared at her the whole while, Azure taking brief notes in a little booklet.
“It that’s all?” the Doc inquired as Twilight finished. Twilight nodded.
“Well there is one thing,” Spike added. Twilight shot him a vaguely concerned expression.
“I’m listening,” Power stated, his expression nigh impossible to read.
Spike scratched at the back of his neck “Now I know how silly this sounds, but is it possible for this stallion to have some kind of magical cologne? I ask ‘cause that guy on the picture there had a very, very weird scent about him. Made me want to bite him, but apparently made a few mares in town woozy.” Spike darted his eyes about, taking care not to meet Twilight’s gaze. While Twilight rolled her eyes at the preposterous convention, Power and Azure exchanged nervous glances.
“Not cologne, but pozzibly perfume,” Azure absent-mindedly mumbled under her breath.
The Doc, on the other hoof, bowed his head to Spike. “Thank you, little guy. We’ll be sure to keep that thought in mind.” He turned to look at Twilight. “Is that all, Miss Twilight?”
Twilight nodded her head. “That I can think of, yes. B-but he spoke with my friends. You may want to ask them if they know anything t-that could help.”
Power Pill nodded. “Thank you. Now listen to me, Miss Twilight. This stallion is a genius and a scientist - a very good scientist at that. He went missing around the same time the Gems of Clarity were yoinked from Garden of Truth. We, the Cerchens, zuspect him of stealing them – though for a number of reason other than just the coincidence, all of which, I’m afraid to say, are confidential. If you see him again, please don’t hesitate to contact us.” He glanced to his companion. “Azure, dear, would you?”
“Of courze!” Azure chirped, opening up her saddlebag and pulling out a bronze cube with complementary key, hoofing both over to Twilight. “In order to get in contact with us just use this dollbox. Simply turn the key three timez; you will know what to do next.”
Twilight accepted the box in a field of magic, exchanged a confused glance with Spike in the meanwhile.
“Now, we shall be on our way,” Power Pill said. As the two began to walk away, Power stopped and turned his head to Twilight. “By the way, my name is Doctor Power Pill, but msot ponies call me ‘the Doc’ or just ‘Doc’. It was a pleasure to meet a legend like you, Miss Twilight.” He made a motion as if tipping an invisible hat to her, then walked away for good.
“Okay, Twilight, tell me what that look was about. You know, the one you made with regards to the Garden of whatchamacallit,” Spike asked, closing the door for his mistress.
“The Garden of Truth is essentially the scientific think tank of Equestria, Celestia’s best and brightest train and study there,” Twilight explained, trotting back into her library.
“If that’s true, then why didn’t you go there, hm?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Because that’s for science and technology. As passionate as I am about the sciences, I’m a sorceress at heart – something for which princess Celestia is without peer. While the boundaries between magic and science are vague at best, they remain two distinct disciplines at their core. Anyways, it only made too much sense to go into the magical arts, and with Celestia my teacher – well, the rest is history to you.
“Ya-huh,” Spike deadpanned. “And of the Gardens themselves?”
Twilight made a playful sigh. “You didn’t happen to read that little book I gave you two weeks ago, did you?”
“Um... I plead the fifth.”
Twilight chuckled, “Whatever.” She marched up her stairs, taking care to make sure there were no more sleep-hating mockingbirds milling about.
“Let’s, uh, let’s say I didn’t read the book – hypothetically, of course. How’d you explain it to me were that the cast – which it totally isn’t,” Spike continued, trotting up after Twilight.
Twilight frowned. “You see, Spike, the Garden of Truth is amongst the most well-protected places in all of Equestria. It holds wonders beyond the imagination, Spike. Some even say it holds technology that Equestria isn’t ready – they say that some of which, in the wrong hooves, can be used as devastating weapons.” Twilight gave a slow, almost remorseful shake of her head. “I believed it was impossible to steal from them, let alone get away with it.” The right corner of her mouth twitched. “Shows what I know, huh?”
Spike groaned. “What’s the problem, Twilight? It’s their problem, not ours. Besides, I’m pretty sure if what was stolen was really, really serious then Princess Celestia would be having every available pony after it. I’m sure it was probably a device that turned oak trees into larches.” He shivered. “The larch, the most evil of all trees. I still have nightmares about those.”
Twilight rolled her eyes and ambled back down the stairs, beginning to pace all about the library as Spike stared at her from the second floor. “But what if he did steal something dangerous? What if Equestria really is in danger?”
“Pffft. You’re worrying too much. Besides, there’s probably nothing we can do about it. Leave it to those Cherchen guys. They probably got their jobs for a reason, you know.”
Twilight shook her head side-to-side, kicking the thoughts from the forefront of her mind to its back. “You know what, Spike? You’re right. Just think of where I’d be if I had let every little thing get to me – and please don’t bring up the times when I did let it happen.” She flashed Spike an oversized grin.
Somewhere in the back of her mind, where she had pushed her dark thoughts, a voice rang forth, uttering a strident reminder. In a loud voice, it called out, “And if you hadn’t followed your instincts, just think of where your brother and sister-in-law would be.” Twilight did her best to ignore the itch of paranoia clawing from within her skull.
It refused to leave her alone. Despite her most supreme of efforts, the thought remained a constant, buzzing reminder of the grim reality of what happened when she ignored her honed instincts. The paranoia just simmered there, itching, scratching, burning, and clawing at the back of her mind to the point where Twilight physically scratched the back of her head.
“Now with that settled,” Twilight chirped, “let’s start the day!” She pulled a large, fat scroll seemingly out of the aether. “Step one: wake up – check!”
*****
“Zo, the report waz right,” Azure sighed, cantering through the busy streets of Ponyville alongside the giant Power Pill. “But what doez he need information on the Elementz of Harmony for? Thatz what I want to know.”
“A good question, but let’s not get distracted from the point. It was him, that’s a fact now,” the Doc offered, a hint of a drawl dancing through his words.
“Well, it doeznt zurprize me!” she snapped. “He’z alwayz been obzezzed with thoze damnable gemz!”
Doc glanced at the Ponyville town hall before looking back to his companion. “And it seems like Narcissus has gone with him.”
“What do you mean?” Azure inquired, pursing her lips to the side.
He sighed. “Think about it. Who help in the whole of Equestria would have not only the gall but the knowhow on how mix such a brew, eh?
Azure gritted her teeth. “You know what? That makez zense.” She stomped a hoof on the dirt. “Narcizzuz, you sneaky b-”
“Indeed,” Power interjected. “Narcissus was the only one to really converse with Cauterium.” He frowned. “Well, except you that is.” He shook his head. “ Furthermore, Narcissus is the only one who ever showed Cau any sympathy... kinda.”
“You’re preaching to the converted,” Azure remarked, casually dodging out of the way of a particularly clumsy carriage puller.
Doc sighed. “You know as well as I do that those were geniuses. I haven’t the foggiest as to what they’re doing, but I can guarantee that it won’t be pretty.”
Azure shifted her eyes towards the heavens. “What are we going to do now, Doctor? I’m open to any suggestions.”
Power Pill gritted his teeth and shrugged. “Nothing pertinent. All we can do is follow the breadcrumbs and hope that pa abandons our wicked stepmother at the end, so to speak. Knowing our luck, we’ll probably get eaten by the witch. I can say this, though: we must find and apprehend him, no matter the cost. He has shard of firstborn darkness. Celestia only knows what he’s going to do with it... And not even our princess dearest knows.”
I shall remake cover soon.
Sorrow, Greed, Infidelity, Falsehood and Spite. Hmm, I think I have an issue with these. I think the opposite of Laughter would be Gloom, not Sorrow, because one can still laugh when one is sad. Falsehood would not be the opposite of Honesty, because Falsehood just means "a lie." You want something like Falsity or Deception. Infidelity is not really a good opposite for Loyalty, because Infidelity almost always means unfaithfulness in a romantic relationship. The better choices would be Faithlessness or Disloyalty. Spite is fine for the opposite of Kindness. I might have gone with Cruelty or Malice, because Spite is often associated with pettiness, whereas the other words connote something stronger, in my opinion. The biggest problem is Greed, because Greed is most assuredly NOT the opposite of Generosity. In fact, one can be greedy and generous (example - I might really like to acquire stuff, money, and fame, but then I give away most of what I take in, or I might make a huge meal and greedily stuff my face, but also generously feed my friends as well). The actual opposite of Generosity is Parsimony, or better Penury (which both mean close-fistedness, or lack of generosity).
323175
Thank you for your thoughts! I really has been cut out of time, so i just typed in google "Antonym to Generosity", "Antonym to Kindness" ect. I am not very good at english, so i googled it all in russian.... And ran trough google translate .
I am going to change it right away! Thanks you for telling me that!
323251
Heh, i get used to translit like this. HORDES of russain schoolkids are constantly assaulting multiplayer games.
Anyway, your russian is good! Too bad that i had to learn english from scratch (videogames), because i studied french in school
323261
Spasibo bolshoe. Mon Français est encore pire que ma Russe, c'est vrai. I'll just stick to English, I think!
323273
Heh, mon français est pire que mon anglais, afin de mieux vous vraiment coller à la langue du capitalisme
Btw i trying to give a french accent to one of my Oc's, Narcissus. Is it correct?
323290
Well, you definitely went the extreme route in how you transcribed it. I guess the only thing I might change is where you left the beginning "h" on words like "habit," which no French person would pronounce. Also, I usually see just "ze" or "zat" instead of "dze" or "dzat," English speakers might now know how to pronounce "dz."
323313
Thank you! I'll keep that in mind.
Well, ask for a review, and you shall receive!
Reading into the first chapter, I'll admit the general tense of the story somewhat threw me off. I'll admit, it was hard to follow at first with how it was worded in a very unique way, almost present tense. However, I quickly got used to it, and I now love the way it's written. It honestly allows for some interesting details.
As for the plot, it's quite imaginative! I like how it's perfectly balanced in what we're aware of and not aware of. I've seen many a fic come out, try to be mysterious, and fall flat. I've also seen fics where everything is revealed in 10 seconds of the story, and the rest is basically predictable and uninteresting. However, your balance of the known and unknown is IMPECCABLE. I love it! The OCs are also fun, and seem to have plenty of character and mystery to them. Can't wait to see how they're developed as you move through!
As for the ponies (And dragon...) we all know and love, you capture them in a way where they're in-character, but have little bits of oddity to them....WHICH MAKES SENSE. After all, the way Microscope is described, his presence gives off a very odd and enchanted feeling to the mares. This being the case, it likely mires them to a point where they feel...changed, or rather spell-bound. It works well. Incredibly well, in fact!
Finally, for grammar, there are certainly some grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. However, for the fact you don't speak English as a main language, it's an INCREDIBLE job of writing in a different language. I've seen plenty of cases where crossing languages will hurt the effect of the story, but the story stays quite intact in its message and plot! Have to admire that, frankly.
In general, I'm VERY interested! I'll consider tracking, but for now, I have plenty of work to do on fics and little time to read them. However, I'll keep an eye out for yours. It's certainly unfolding very nicely...
Good luck, and I'll be awaiting your promised reviews...
327763
Thank you very much! I shall defenetely return a favor. You can find Stalinview example in the stoy "Long Distance" (adventure). Hope you like it, cuz i gonna make something similliar
Hai there, Stalin. here's my two bits, as promissed:
A sterile white room is filled with faint light, emerging from a strange-looking sphere, which is hovering near the ceiling. The windows closed with black soft curtains. The room cluttered with black furniture, forming a sharp contrast to white walls, floors, and ceilings. In the center of the room stands a table, black like coal. On it, a strange mechanism consisting of several odd-shaped gemstones, wired together and connected by tubes with a big gray box. Pale light reflected on the grains of precious stones, forming a bizarre play of colors. A stallion in a white robe is thoughtfully walking around the room, occasionally glancing at the curb, piled with a mountain of papers. In his mind a thousand thoughts revolve, all of which, however, was always reduced to one. "When?"
"When will my new invention be ready?" asked the stallion to the sterile silence around him. According to his calculations, the activation time of his masterpiece was to occur as much as several years ago. The stallion did not understand why it has not arrived yet. All the processes are stable. All calculations are correct. They cannot be incorrect, he has spent half his life in this experiment. He will not tolerate failure. And he can’t wait any longer. Time to take some decisive action.
The horn of the stallion lit in green. Newspaper on the table rose into the air and flew to him, wrapped in an emerald glow. He opens to a page with a huge picture showing six mares, five of which have shining gold necklaces on their necks, and the sixth, a lavender one, has a crown with a star-like jewel on top. "Discord, the threat to the order of the whole Equestria, is defeated by the Elements of Harmony. Order is restored!" read the article title.
"Ponyville, huh..." read the stallion thoughtfully. "It's time to visit some small town".
Old scientist with a dark, macabre experiment that could cause unforeseen consequences and major disasters? My kind of thing! “That’s a nice noosphere you’ve got there, Celestia…”
"Don’t you remember the last time? When we then had to help ponies repair their roofs afterwards?" The lavender mare teleported to the roof, picked up a piece of paper, and put it in a saddlebag.
Beats me why she simply didn’t use her TK to float it down, risking that the roof might crack under her hooves…
"Just kidding, Spike. Just two heads are better than one," said Twilight. "Try to look for yourself. It’s not difficult."
By that reasoning, hydras would have PhDs, silly Twilight
Spike looked around thoughtfully. The little dragon noticed something creamy-white in a rose bush nearby.
"Aha! I found it!" Spike grabbed something white through the bush. That something turned out to be a leg of a young mare with burgundy mane.
“EEK!” cried Rose. “What do you think you’re doing?!”
“Nothin’, sorry!” Spike quickly released mare’s leg and dashed away, accompanied by a suspicious gaze. Twilight laughed.
Really laughed at the chain of events there... good job.
The stallion is middle-aged. His coat is light brown, and the mane have colors of straw. Black-rimmed glasses are sitting on his nose, through which look gentle, smiling eyes, color of a gold. On his chin is hanging a thin stylish beard. From the stallion breathes kindness, understanding. Twilight noted that he mysteriously attracts her, but she cannot understand why. The stallion approached her and gently bowed.
Hello, hello…
“It that so? Can I help you then?” asked Twilight.
That’s how every problem begins, miss Sparkle… by others taking advantage of the mane six good nature
“Exactly, my little purple friend,” said the stallion softly. “Five elements: loyalty, laughter, generosity, kindness and honesty when mixed together form a friendship. More specifically, the concept of the Ideal friendship. What do we mean by ordinary friendship? A combination of several elements, but the Ideal friendship consists of all five. Combines the five elements of a mysterious sixth. Friendship is Magic, huh ... " The stallion is deep in thought, and the last few sentences are his thoughts aloud.
The elements of harmony as a single entity are bigger than the sum of its parts, basically. This approach pleases me
“He will make a perfect husband!”
Come on Twilight…. He has enough age to be your gramps… I know that he drugged you somehow, but to this level? heh
“Do not worry, dear Twilight. You gave me enough information to continue the investigation,” answered Microscope softly.
“I did?”
Information is a powerful thing... and yet, he acquired it from you by hearing pure abstractions that only held meaning on your own mind, Twilight...
Suddenly, Twilight noticed three familiar figures, lively discussing something under a streetlight. Twilight approached them being undetected.
“Hi girls. What’cha talking about?”
Three mares turned their heads to Twilight. “Howdy, Twilight!” welcomed the mare with light brilliant gamboge coat and pale, light grayish olive mane.
“We are just talking about some awesome guy we all meet today!” said a mare with pale pink coat and dark pink mane.
Twilight being able to sneak up on Pinkie? Sorry, I just can’t buy it…
Twilights shake her head. “Spike, cologne itself isn’t making that stallion lovely... If it isnt enchanted in some way... But i never have heard of that kind of magic, so that one definitely had some charm in him!”
Yes Twilight, disprove ANY magic you’ve never heard of… the outcome will be pretty much the same from “feeling pinkie keen”
The stallion named Cauterium looks at the Ponyville beneath the hill with enigmatic look on his face.
“No one said that we couldn’t help it choose…” said he absent-mindedly.
Ended on an enigmatic portrayal of “Dze bad guyse” and our little skeptical doctor that came with a one-liner at the final… so far, so good.
“No, it’s my vending machine. Of course it is genius! What else could it be?” The stallion replied with irritation.
Beau/Microscope/Cauterium just got 20% more respect from me, hilarious.
“Yes, the abeeleety to absorb any information, and take eet’s characteristics. Truly, a natural wonder, n'est-il pas?” Narcissus said thoughtfully.
“And, now, it is filled with information on the elements of harmony. And now we must find their wielders.”
Informational device? Equestrian noahsphere? heh
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” – said brown stallion with grin on his face.
“No, beau…” The green stallion is shocked. “Eet ees… Eet ees firstborn darkness! Eet ees horrible!” He found himself shaking. The stallion in the black-rimmed glasses looked at him with an ironic expression on his face.
“You are smarter than you look, Narcissus. This IS a part of firstborn darkness.”
“But where deed you get this?”
“I borrowed it from the Garden of the Truth, along with Gems of Clarity.” He said with an evil smile.
“The Truth Brigade has DZAT dangerous thing in the Garden?” The green stallion’s voice sounds like it is coming from the distant past.
The brown stallion just grins before he speaks. “You’re surprised? Those freaks get anything, no matter how dangerous it might be, for their research.”
“But what are YOU goeeng to do with dzees, beau?” Narcissus asked cautiously.
“Just watch.”
hmm… shady artefacts, shady equestrian organizations… things look dark. hehehe.
“Thank you. Now listen to me, Miss Twilight. This stallion is a genius, and a scientist, from the town of Upper Fields, but he went missing at the same time the gems of Clarity disappeared from Garden of Truth. We, the Truth Brigade, suspect him of stealing them. If you see him again, please contact us.” As he finished he looked at Azure. “Azure, dear, would you?”
They might be lax with securing the gems, but at least they can sum two and two to find the suspects…
Twilight throws open a window, allowing the warm morning light to fill every corner of the library. The fluffy white clouds continued their slow march across the sky.
“You see, Spike, the Garden of Truth is the most well-guarded place in all of Equestria.
Perhaps it would be so if weren’t for all those books and ponies that hold extensive knowledge about it…
Azure raised her head and looked at the sky.
“What are we going to do now, Doctor?”
The unicorn shrugs.
“Time will tell. For now, we must continue our search. I hope we shall hit the right track soon.”
Well, you’ve got my interest. I’d like to see where is this going to. The characterization of Cauterium especially pleases me, I must see more from the other OCs before I can judge them, though
What I’ve noticed were some awkward phrasings and some verbs written wrongly, when they should be used in the past (past participle, past perfect… I don’t know the strict rules, but it just doesn’t fit well) I’d advise you to read out loud your story (in english)to check if it does sound well. On the plus side, the narrative is good and fluid… keep on writing, pal.
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Wow, that was a hell good of review! I am eternaly pleased, thank you! I shall made a free Stalinview on your Stalker story!
You've done the cover art all by yourself? That's mighty good...
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It is not, i made a huge mistake by cutting it like that. I am currently remaking cover.
I REALLY cannot explain how surprised I was with reading this. The summary is interesting but then I read it and BAM, I'm thrown back by a clever set up and, well, it's hard to pick out things I dislike and things I like. Just sort of a general "Damn bro, I want to read it" I apologize I can't give more, but I really don't have much to work with so, after future updates, I shall be able to leave a muuuch bigger review.
Hope for more, Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
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Thanks! Same goes for your story! Too bad that it came up in bad time (night in america) so it gets a little of views. You really should submit it in Equestria Daily!
Btw, chapter 3 is almost ready. It shall be done by sunday or so
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I actually have submitted it because I really do believe that this is a fic worthy of the front page. Still just pipe-dreams, but a man can dream.
Can't wait for the next chapter, can't wait for next chapter. can't wait for the next chapter.
OH STALLIONGRAD!
Can't wait for next chapter, can't wait for the next chapter, can't wait for next chapter!
OH STALLIONGRAD!
Oh Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad! Your doing well on your story!
Oh Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad, The Timefather is happy!
Oh Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad, you deserve more views!
Because Stalliongrad, oh Stalliongrad, your story may be still new but, it's still awesome and COOL!!
Nice Chapter!
The premise is original, but maybe a but hard to believe... I mean- anti-elements... that's kind of a thin ice you're skating on.
You tend to mix the past sentences with present sentences.
The pacing is fine; nothing too rushed, but not slow either! Good job.
I didn't like the fact of "Heart's Voice" and "Conscience Voice" inside Twilight... it felt a bit awkward.
This story has some sort of duality on the descriptions. In some instances, they are plentiful and well done. In others, they lack a lot.
PS: Most of chapter 2 is a wall of text, you could try to use the return key a few more times. It's a pain to the eyes, y'know?
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Umm there is no purpouse for MAIN VILLIAN OF THE STORY to fall in love with Twilight. If yo'll read chapter 2, you shall understand
You're slightly misunderstood all of this.
Also i have no OC's here who is not evil in any way here (including ones from Truth Brigade), and Narcissus is not a minor character.
As for errors, first chapter isnt spellchecked copletely yet, so don't pay attention on it yet :)
331187
I'll fix that
330862
Thanks!
Overall, thank you all for your help! Chapter one kis still unedited, chapter 2 is edited better, but a wall of text. I'll make a chapter 3 soon (with new cover), after that i shall do anything to make 3 chapters perfect and then send it on fimfiction
Also, i am aware that i am mixing present and past tences. And i can do nothing about that -_-
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Well, perhaps "falling in love" was the wrong choice of words. I basically meant "becoming infatuated by because of the magical perfume". Basically what I'm saying is that it's important that you do as much you can to get the reader to suspect that there's something off about the guy and to suspect that Twilight is acting and thinking under the influence of some magic of his. You have done so to some degree, but I think you could do a good deal more to reinforce it.
Really good and interesting, keep it up!
OK, digging into chapter two: I am not going to mention grammar or punctuation issues. Frankly your command of English is commendable since it is apparently your third language and I know you intend to get it edited by an English speaking native. So we'll dispense with that. You are moving your story along, I am beginning to see your plot taking shape and its an interesting one. Your Twilight depiction... still needs work, she comes across as a characterization versus a character. If she was a side character simply interacting with your OC's on a peripheral basis I would not worry, but you seem to be leading up to a confrontation of your bearers of anti-harmony. You'll need to work on them all. Still, you have again captured my attention, both despite and because of the flaws. See you on the next chapter.
“Is dzat your precious device, beau?” – He asked.
“No, it’s my vending machine. Of course it is genius! What else could it be?” The stallion replied with irritation.
This line
Overall feel of chapter...Spike why you so dumb
Location of powerful magical artifacts is broken into, your response 'don't worry about it' to infinity
Okay, you've piqued my interest. I have an idea of where you are going with this, and I like it. Again, the mistakes are fairly easy to see, but I think that is due in part to your knowledge of English, so in that respect it is very good. I am now tracking this. I like it so far.
I am impressed with your ability to weild the English language, especially if you truely are not a native speaker.
I like the villians, they're easy to imagine visually and in intelligence.
The name to the top secret location seemed a bit cheesy to me. Garden's usually imply open areas with pleasing scents and/or sights. Truth seems like it would go better with the HQ to the Secret Agents of Equestria.
I would think it would have a more Greek, or Scientific sounding name since it holds all the most supposed/actually dangerous scientific breakthroughs.
That darkness is giving me the creeps just thinking about.
Wow. The Garden of the Truth really should start doing background checks on the ponies they hire.
I am guessing the 'shard of firstborn darkness' had a hand in Luna's transformation. Iwould point out that stealing such powerful objects from a place ment to guard them would be incredibly difficult, even for employee's but the Twilight episode "It's about time" definatly shows that security in Equestria is kind of lax.
I don't entirely know what to think of the Truth Brigade to be honest. I'm not even sure what nationality Azure Knowledge is supposed to represent. Is she German or Russian? There were a lot more zeds in her speak than any of the other characters.
Things are heating up, though, so now it's onto chapter 3.
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
...Year 300 as the eternal emperor of Poland. The Vietnamese are rising up against my glorious nation and the Russians are threatening succession from my glorious union. It shall be a bloodbath that determines the fate of my Eurasian dominion.
No wait, wrong story... Let me restart
First grief (and one we all share) is how this chapter is conjugated in the present tense. Why? Either re-conjugate it in the past tense or re-conjugate the first chapter in present tense. I'm not sure what you're going for, but I don't recommend it. The only way to get away with present tense in a past tense story is either dialogue, or when modifying something (IE: ... he said, holding the candle to his left eyes and allowing the flame to lick his retina).
.... – He asked. - the "-" is entirely unnecessary.
“No, it’s my vending machine. Of course it is genius! What else could it be?” The stallion replied with irritation. - why did you capitalize the word "The"? It's entirely unneeded as it is modifying the sentence. Unless "The stallion' is utterly unrelated to the dialogue before it, don't capitalize the word 'The".
thoughtfully. - you use that word a lot, and that's a pet peeve of mine. I hate word repetition unless for poetic means. I get how you didn't spam it, but later you have the Truth Brigadiers say something "thoughtfully" twice within a few lines of each other. I can think of several synonyms that convey the same meaning without being repetitious. Furthermore, you do something similar when references Narcissus and Cau. Pronouns: get some. They help. I know who these ponies are, by extension you're just confusing me.
"...penetrate it’s transparent walls." - "It's" is a contraction of "It is". The word "Its" is possessive, thus "Its" is the word you want to use here. Don't ask, I'm sure you know just how weird English is.
“Just watch. I’ll going to change these elements of “goodness” for, heh, good.” - quotes within quotes should use the single quote - ' - otherwise it implies the word is not part of the sentence. Conversely, in British English, they use the ' instead of ", in that case the reverse is true of what I just said - double quotes go on inside, single quotes on outside. I'm assuming you're versed in the American form of English so what I just said doesn't really matter, but the more you know, eh?
-Helpful side notes so far- Show, Don't tell is still an issue here. Let me offer some advice. No condescension meant, I just get really irked with tell. It's the single greatest flaw in many, many fanfics in this fandom. I'm not saying you have an issue with it per se, but it's enough to where I notice it. It's a nice way to add length to your story without useless padding. As a rule, avoid adverbs when you can in favor of larger description.
“One more thing,” Spike interjects. Twilight looks at him with surprise on her face. The giant stallion turns to look at the baby dragon with a curious expression on his face. - This is what we call a "dangling modifier". The thing is that the reader generally knows what you meant, but the grammar implies an entirely different meaning. "Curious expression" is modifying "baby dragon" whereas it's intended to modify "giant stallion". The correct phrasing would be "With a curious expression, the giant stallion looked turned to look down at the baby dragon."
“Of courze!” Azure opened her saddlebag and levitated a strange, cube shaped, object made out of bronze, and a big silver key over to Twilight. - there are a few issues here. First being commas abuse, it actually changes the meaning here. When you say "Strange [Comma] cube shaped..." you are implying that cubes are strange to Twilight Sparkle. Hear ye, hear ye: Twilight l'Sparkle is unfamiliar with a cube! Tell me, please(!), why Twilight is unfamiliar with a goddamn cube! I guess the cube is a 3D object, and Twilight, living in a 2D world, is unfamiliar with 3D geometry. Remove all of the commas from this sentence as they are all extraneous. No offense meant, of course.
“Now, we shall be on our way”. The stallion said - STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! You've violated the law, pay the court a fine or serve your sentence. You're stolen commas are now forfeit! You have period outside the quotes, it should be both a comma and inside the quote. Also, the word "The" should not be capitalized.
Roy Powerpill sighs. - Remind again just who this guy is? You didn't mention his name before and, at first glance, is gave the impression that three ponies were talking during this scene. It took me a few seconds to figure out who was who, but you don't want to have your reader figuring out trivial things like names. Still, the tense issue is still bugging me.
"...No matter what. He has shard of firstborn darkness, and only god knows what he’s going to do with it” - Two thing. One, that sentence needs to end with a period. Two, the name/word "God" is used, this is a clear violation of pony canon. Because "god" is not capitalized, I assume you don't mean the christian deity because that's on of his/its names. This means you references a generic deity by a pronoun without a capital. Why? Ponies say "Celestia" rather than "God", but I'm assuming not even she knows. This is okay, just say "... and only a god knows..."
Hope this helped, I got distracted by painting and keeping those Ruskies in their place - namely, not at my throat. Now onto your final chapter before I offer my harsh judgment. Again, I meant no disrespect.
"And only god knows what he’s going to do with it”
Shouldn't that be Celestia? This looks interesting, I'll be keeping an eye on this. I'll have to read the third chapter tomorrow, right now I have to get some sleep.
One minor nitpick here, Azure's dialogue sounds a little forced and obvious. Otherwise, loving the story. Pacing is perfect and I particularly like the dialogue between the big bad and Narcissus
Well, now we have our villains in action and the opposing party revealed. Lets see where this goes next.
Story is still pretty solid and definatly interesting to read.
Pretty interesting and I'm enjoying it so far. I've gotten a little confused at some points, but it is an overall good story.
It holds wonders beyond the imagination, Spoke.
Shouldn't 'Spoke' be Spike?
Number 1...The larch...the larch.
And now....
Number 1...The larch...The larch.
And now...
*Me* Greetings. It's good to see you again.
Anyways, on to the chapter.
Finally, Cau seems the least bit threatening. (To me, he still seems like a pompous oaf, who thinks he can wield some great power, that he really can't...Idiot.) And he's also (tiny bit) interesting. As well as his comrade.
And then we get these two ponies looking for him...Why do I get the feeling that I'm really, really going to like these two? They have a lot of potential and I"m so invested. Characters like this are ones to treasure.
(I noticed the fact that Twilight didn't want to tell them about the perfume. The little look to Spike and such. I don't get that. Is she emberrassed or something. Anyways, I really do hope Spike bites Cau some time later.)
Here we go!
First with the finicky stream of consniousess stuff:
Three paragraphs in, and I'm already liking "Cau" better than last chapter.
"'Will YOU JUST SHUT UP?'"
Holy crap, he's so much like my OC it's not even funny.
"No, it’s my vending machine. I use it to serve all the snazziest soda in all of Equestria. Would you like a Diet Rocky Dew?'”
While I found this line funny, I don't think it matches what we've seen of Cau so far. He seems to be the type that doesn't wisecrack. Ever. Maybe I'm wrong in this, I'll just see where it goes.
"As the gems floated in air, bobbing up and down as they defined Sir Isaac Newton, Narcissus found himself staring at them."
I feel like you could have come up with a clever pony-equivalent name for Newton rather than reference a human being, even in narration.
"'They're like changelings, no?"
Oh, you, you must of crammed that little tidbit in recently, didn't you?
"'Miss Twilight,' he stated, his done lacking any inflection."
His tone
What is Azure's accent? I'm reading it like it's french, but nothing like Narcissus', where he sounds like Pepe Le Peu, she has a sort of "Northern Canadian" quality.
"In the span of a few minutes Twilight recounted her brief experience with the stallion from yesterday, conveniently leaving out the parts where she had really weird feeling towards him."
The encounter itself didn't even take a few minutes (in real time, anyway). Perhaps an even more vague time descriptor?
"'By the way, my name is Roy Powerpill. It was a pleasure to meet a legend like you, Miss Twilight.'"
Twilight Sparkle would be Miss Sparkle
"Garden of whatchamacallit,'"
Not a problem with this story in particular, but why is it that on tv and in stories, characters always forget the simplest part of a long name?
you didn't end the quotations after and the rest is history to you.
"'Um... I plead the fifth'"
...not sure Equestrian law even has amendments... I'd let this slide just because it's the kind of unexplained logic the show follows, even if most fanfiction doesn't
"It holds wonders beyond the imagination, Spoke."
Spike
"that’s a act now,'"
that's a fact now.
"Who help in the whole of Equestria"
Who else (?) in the whole of Equestria
Overall:
It has noticeably gotten better as the story goes on, this chapter was significantly better than the first. Your OCs have been much more well characterized, which is good seeing as they form the majority of the story. Spike is driving me up the wall with his ignorance, but that's just Spike. I also don't think these Truth Brigade characters are as suspicious as you intended. Obviously some readers picked up on their less-than-pure intentions, but I still feel they're a little forthcoming.
Still, good chapter! Can't wait to read the next!
323194 Betrayal is a good opposite for Loyalty.
Here we go! Chapter 2! I'm dying to learn more about these two mystery Ponies, so let's see if Chapter 2 might give me some insight!
"To Cau, only death, despair, and enslavement of his countrymen awaited him should he fail or falter."
Oh mai, this character's got a bit of back story he's got goin' on. Heavy stuff. Banished from his own country? EESH! What did he do, destroy a Tri-state area? Burn the country side? Rape Women? Create Frankenstein? ...okay, I need to stop that.
Ahhh...the Gems of Clarity! Completely different from the Elements! Ooooh, they're like Changeling gems, and they--uh oh.
Firstborn Darkness...Not liking where THIS is going.
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Oh lordy! Twi! Why you gotta try an' kill da bird!
Hmm, Azure and Dr. Power Pill are definitely interesting. Dr. Power Pill has the BEST name.
Ah, so they're trying to catch him. Okay, Now I know Cops of the sort are involved.
Good explanation there, Twilight, Science and Magic are two different arts, no matter what the similarities are.
So that explains the Garden of truth. Man, sound like Area 51.
Spike has all reason to behave like he is right now: These guys are evil, and who knows if the Cherchen guys will be able to stop him in time?
And now that they're on their trail, can they actually find him in time?
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BOTTOM LINE OF CHAPTER 2: So far, this keeps getting deeper and deeper. Nice description for the Garden of Truths, and good explanation on the Darkness thing. SO far, the characters all seem mysterious. I seriously would like to know who each character are, and how they all know each other. Maybe I'll get my wish If I read more...
My internet doesn't like me very much...
Only in his home, his gilded and self-imposed cage, are his thoughts truly one; only there do the monsters go away; only there does his mind unfurl itself and sun, bringing with it all of Cau’s genius.
The sentence runs on a little to long and uses too many semicolons. Break it up, if you can.
For it was Cauterium ‘Cau’ who had been sentenced to death. He had often asked himself...
For it was Cauterium who could pass his sentence onto his foe. He could buy his life by taking...
Just a little issue. Bother these sentences start with 'for it was' are are one paragraph after another.
He made no illusions: he was a dead stallion walking.
'Illusions' is an odd word to use here. Perhaps 'he had no delusions' would make more sense.
It was him home,
'His' home
with the utmost less-than grace.
You might want to find a less awkward way to say 'without grace.'
No wonder dzat you have your glasses always on! You should-“
That quotation mark at the end needs to be fixed.
His particular selection was a crimson and heart-shaped ruby, simultaneously disconnecting the associated wires, as he picked it up.
Just remove the second comma, nothing major.
as they defied Sir Isaac Newton,
EQD doesn't like direct references or names like this unless they are ponified. If you can't think of a pony name, be indirect.
“And now,” Cau chuckled,” now it is filled with information –
Quotation marks need fixing.
Within its confines swirled a black, smoke, sedimentary
Make that 'smoke' 'smokey' so that it's an adjective.
A bird, a mockingbird, sang his song outside a Ponyville window - a window on a building that ostensibly was a tree. Within the tree, however, was a library.
The part mentioning it was a library is revealing to much. The tree is fine, since it explains why the bird happens to be in it.
yelling curses in its bird language to Twilight who, unfortunately for the mockingbird, did not speak bird.
The mention of a bird language is redundant here. Just say yelling curses at Twilight who, unfortunately for the mockingbird, did not speak bird.
as she crossed her arms and used them as an impromptu pillow.
Ponies don't have arms, silly.
“Morning, Spike. We seem to have guests.”
There's no mention of the other unicorn before this, so it's a little confusing.
“Doctor Power Pill,” Azure asked, “pleaze show them.”
“Of course,” ‘Doc’ replied,
Since Doc isn't mentioned to be a nickname for Power Pill before this by the characters, the narrative shouldn't be declaring it his nickname. This and every use after until a character mentions it needs to be fixed.
“It that’s all?”
I think you mean “Is that all?”
“The Garden of Truth is essentially the scientific think tank of Equestria, Celestia’s best and brightest train and study there,”
Another sentence that goes on too long. Just replace that comma with a period and it's fine.
How’d you explain it to me were that the cast –
That 'cast' should be 'case'
Some even say it holds technology that Equestria isn’t ready –
Place a 'for' after 'ready' and this flow better.
“But what if he did steal something dangerous? What if Equestria really is in danger?”
Too much danger too close together. Replace either danger of dangerous with a similar word.
Who help in the whole of Equestria would have not only the gall but the knowhow on how mix such a brew, eh?
The word 'help' is misplaced in this sentence. Also, this sentence needs a quotation mark at the end.
“You know as well as I do that those were geniuses.
That 'those' would work better as 'they.'
He has shard of firstborn darkness.
A conjunction, 'a,' before 'shard' would make this easier to read.
That's the technical errors I found. Now, this chapter is doing a little too much showing instead of telling in some instances. It's not terrible, but enough to be a little jarring since the rest of the story is showing me quite well. Here they are:
A mare stepped forwards through the wooden portal. The god-rays reflected off the glasses on her nose as she bowed her head. Her coat was a mix of azure and faint white stains; her mane was a keen grayish-blue hue, topped off with multiple braids. Her cutie mark depicted two crossed scrolls. The only other notable feature of this mare was a silver chain and clock hanging around the mare’s neck.
An information dump that isn't necessary. Be a little lenient on your descriptions of OCs and new characters.
Azure turned her head to incredibly bulky unicorn, her sole companion. His coat was faint lavender, while his mane was dark lavender. The stallion gestured to his cutie mark, a large red-top and white-bottom pill. The way his almost buggy eyes lazily looked about gave Twilight the impression he was dead-tired, a thought contradicted by most everything else about him.
Same deal as Azure's description, tone it down a little.
And that's it for stuff that needs to be fixed. What's good:
Unlike Shattered Reflections, the pace is slower. Thankfully, it's not too slow. You've given just the right amount of information to keep things going at the right pace. Speaking of information, I am thoroughly captivated. The way you've presented the issue and the tantalizing amount you've given us is making me desire what's going on very much. You've definitely made it so your readers will want to keep reading.
I like that Narcissus and Azure have the same accent, but have different degrees for how deep it goes. It's easy to tell which of them is which. It's plain to see you were careful in how severe each of their accents were.
Same things I've said before apply to this. The characters are great, even and especially the OCs. Twilight and Spike's interactions are fun to read. You've obviously worked yourself hard making this a really good story, and it's a really good story. If my internet wasn't failing on me, I'd go read more now.
Sincerely,
The Conflicted Writer