White. Everything was white. It was not the white of a clean floor, nor was it the white of a fluffy cloud. No. This was the kind of white that makes one think of death. It was the kind of antiseptic, unusually clean white that possessed some horrific semblance to a hospice ward, a place where only the dying go for their final hours. And it was all lit by a white light in the ceiling.
The windows were closed out by a heavy black curtain, the sunlight utterly rejected from the room. In stark contrast to the color of the room were the furnishings, all an onyx black. At the center of the room was a table, a large, horrid thing the color of richest coal. Resting upon the table as though it had found the perfect spot in the world on which to sleep was a strange mechanism.
The mechanism consisted of six gemstones, each representing something, each representing the Elements of Harmony. These gems were hooked together via a wire that linked them with a gray box off to the side. The almost sickly light reflected into the crystalline gems, creating a spectrum of shifting colors just beneath their polished surfaces.
Cauterium sighed as he paced around the room, threatening to put a groove into the floor as his lab coat swayed in his own idle haste, occasionally taking furtive glances at the mountains of paperwork he had metaphorically walled himself in with. The lab coat jostled his light brown fur as he adjusted his black rimmed glasses, the ones hanging over his golden eyes – eyes that rendered him half-blind, but to him it was a bearable price for the cause of science.
His mind was a swirling vortex, his thoughts raged like a hurricane, but there was one thought that stood clear. It was a single word that summed up all his questions in a single piece of poetry: when?
“When will it be ready?” he mumbled to his lonesome, trying his best not to grind his teeth. He continued pacing in aimless circles around the table. “Why isn’t it ready? All the processes are stable. All the calculations are correct. They could not be incorrect, he couldn't afford them to be – he had spent half of his life, for what that was worth, on this experiment.
A bead of cold sweat rolled down his forehead as he contemplated the reality of failure being a possibility. His heart rate only continued to alternate between beating in his stomach and throat as he continued to pace, his speed getting ever faster with each passing, agonizing minute. Cauterium bit his lip, steeling himself for possible action.
Cauterium’s horn lit up, glowing a sharp emerald green. A newspaper, now surrounded by the same aura, rose up from a nearby table and floated to his eyes. With a ridiculous amount of care, his pulse elevating as he did so, he turned to a very, very specific page. The page began with an article – the article displayed six mares.
“Discord, threat to Equestria, defeated by Elements of Harmony. Order restored!” read the article's title.
“And you, my dears, live in Ponville,” he murmured as if keeping his own words a secret from himself. His lips curled into a nigh sadistic grin. “You time, ladies, is nigh over. You don’t have what it takes to save this nation. Though I think it's high time to take a vacation to the countryside.”
He made a move towards the small back table in one corner of the room, setting the paper aside. Upon the table was a small pink vial, its contents shimmering with an ethereal light. He picked the vial up, holding it before his eyes, examining it as though he were a jeweler and it a diamond.
“Well, Narcissus,” he mumbled to the liquid, “it's time to see your little ‘gift’ in action.”
*****
"Remind me again why we’re doing this, Twilight?" Spike groaned, running a purple hand through his green frills.
"Because Derpy asked us to help her collect the letters she lost, Spike," a mare replied. Her mane was a moderate sapphire blue, twin streaks of moderate violet and brilliant rose ran down the center of it, splitting in half along her horn. Horn glowing, she picked up another lost letter.
Twilight cast her eyes onto the dragon. “Over there, Spike.” She pointed to a nearby building, on its roof was a letter. A very lonely and hard-to-reach letter.
“And why isn’t Derpy helping us?” Spike groused, scurrying his way up the drainpipe. Something cracked. Without warning, Spike found the ground rushing to greet him with open arms, nevermind that he was still clutched to the pipe. “Ow...”
“Don’t you remember the last time she helped us?” She shook her head. “I don't want to have to repair the town’s roofs again, Spike.” Twilight sighed, plucking the envelope from its lofty perch with her magic. “I probably should have done that from the get go,” she mumbled to the letter, stashing it in a saddlebag.
Spike made a face. “I still don’t get how she could be so clumsy,” he griped, rolling his eyes. “This is her special talent?” He got up, dusting his scales of loose dust particles.
“Spike, don’t be so critical. Everypony has their flaws.” Her horn set itself alight with magical energy. "Spike, over there!” She pointed to a flagpole, a letter stuck to its pommel.
“And I’m going to reach that how?” he deadpanned.
Twilight blinked. “Right, right, sorry,” she chuckled, levitating the letter from up high into her bag.
“Twilight, why do you even need me here if you can fetch all these letters with magic?” he pointed out, his expression also a deadpan.
“Well, I certainly can’t get them all by myself.”
“Of course you can – you’re the best magician ever!” Spike's gave his friend a large, desperate smile.
Twilight’s expression became downright nefarious. “What’s wrong, ‘number one assistant’? Want me to call Owloysius to get that letter from under the bench?”
His eyes bulged as he quickly ‘complied’ with her. “That’s cheating and you know it,” he mumbled, handing her the letter.
“Just kidding, Spike,” she chuckled. “Two heads are better than one, you know. Try looking for some yourself. It’s not difficult.”
“And by that logic, the hydra is the wisest of all,” Spike pointed out under his breath. Glancing about, he noticed a creamy-white, vaguely manila thing in a nearby bush. “Ello, ello, what ‘ave we ‘ere. Oi, methinks me sees a clues, that's wot I thinks me sees, eh, Trotson? Let’s go catch Jaque the Cottawn-Canday Eatah, eh?” Twilight rolled her eyes at Spike’s sudden urge to be a certain famous detective, no matter that he butchered the accent. He stuck a claw into the thicket.
“EEK!” yelped a mare. “What do you think you’re doing?!”
“Nothin’, sorry, Rose! I didn’t-uh, sorry!” Spike let the mare free of his claws. She backed away from him, a suspicious look on her muzzle. Twilight laughed.
“Excuse me, Miss,” said a male voice to Twilight’s right. He was middle-aged, his coat a light brown, and his mane the color of straw. On his nose sat black-rimmed glasses, through which gentle, smiling, golden eyes watched. A thin, stylish beard hung from his chin. “Might you be Twilight Sparkle, young lady?" he asked, pausing his walk within a few feet of Twilight.
"Yes, that's-” She paused, her nose twitching as she inhaled something. Without warning a warm feeling crept its way down her breast and into her stomach, hatching into butterflies. “Me,” she replied, her voice shaking with the tendrils of timid excitement.
Spike cocked a brow at her sudden change in demeanor. She took a deep breath as she tried to wrest control of herself, only to worsen the effect. The stallion smiled gently as he waited for her to collect herself. But he only had so much patience. “And hi. I’m Spike, a dragon.”
The stallion nodded to Spike before refocusing on Twilight. “Please forgive me if I'm wasting your time. My name is Microscope.” He demonstrated his cutie mark, which bore vague semblance to his namesake device. “I’m a... I’m a scientist from a little place called ‘Upper Fields’. As you can probably tell,” he chuckled, “I’m new here, though just I’m staying for a brief sojourn.” He took a step towards her. “I was actually, well, I don’t mean to jump the crossbow or anything, but I was looking for you specifically.
“H-how do you know me?” Twilight, her legs threatening to abandon her to fend for herself.
There was something off about the stranger, at least that’s how Spike saw it. Though he couldn’t put exact reason to it, just being near Microscope that made Spike want to bite him, something he would never ever do. Despite the stranger’s pleasant disposition, he made the skin beneath Spike’s scales crawl.
Microscope smiled a warm, charming grin. “How could I not know who you are, Twilight Sparkle? You and your friends have saved Equestria twice. I would have thought that anonymity would’ve been in short supply for you, madam.”
At his words, she felt her cheeks flush, a stupid smirk on her face. And breathing in only made it worse. Twilight couldn’t shake off the feeling that this stallion was dangerous, yet her thought seemed unwilling to contemplate that possibility. In fact, her thoughts were a disarrayed mess unto themselves – something Twilight would never let stand, though she was struggling to stand as it was.
“I-is that so? Can I help you th-then?” Twilight stammered.
“You see, dear Twilight, we – or more accurately, I – have been studying the Elements of Harmony, and I’d like to seek your assistance.” Microscope added a subdued wink to his final syllable.
“Elements of Harmony? And what exactly do you want to know about them? I’d be happy to-to tell you whatever you’re after,” Twilight replied, shifting hoof to hoof, only to be vaguely startled by her own sense of forthcoming.
“All I want to know is how you connect to your Element, Miss Twilight. How is it that you can wield a force such as the Sixth Element? The more details the better.”
Spike sniffed at the air, detecting an acrid yet faint aroma from the stallion. He took a furtive glance at Twilight and, with alarm, noticed she was blushing, her expression a stupid, girlish smile. Moreover, it seemed like with each passing second the smell became stronger. As Spike tasted the scent he began to find Microscope both more and less tolerable.
“I wish I had that cologne,” he mumbled under his breath.
“Connection...” Twilight strained, trying to recall events through the pink haze of obscure thoughts. A pregnant pause. “It's just when I realized how everypony received their Elements – that is, when I truly, truly understood the value of friendship – there was a.. a...” Twilight gritted her teeth. “There’s nothing more to say, really. The feelings is nigh indescribable. I don’t think language can even begin to do it justice.” Twilight offered him a sheepish smile.
There was something about his tone, honest and curious though it was, that made her skin crawl – her mind flat out refused to dwell upon the subject, as if it were under some external effect. Yet something about his eyes and body language gave the impression that he wasn’t learning anything.
“Your Element.” He paused for effect. “Is the hardest to understand, Miss Twilight: Magic. It cannot appear without the other five. Yet it is by far the most important; without which neither could function, and yet they need to be united to activate the Sixth. A very, very curious procedure.”
“Your tone make it sound like love poetry,” Spike opined, opening his mouth and gesturing a finger down it.
The stallion chuckled. “I’m passionate about my work. Just think about it: five Elements – Loyalty, Laughter, Generosity, Kindness and Honesty – when mixed together via friendship allow the manifestation of Magic. But more specifically, the concept of the ideal friendship. What do we mean by ordinary friendship? A combination of several Elements, but the ideal friendship consists of all five, thus combining the five Elements into a mysterious sixth. Friendship is, quite literally, Magic, huh?”
“I'm sorry I couldn’t help you, Mister Microscope,” Twilight replied, looking down as she fidgeted her forehooves.
“Do not worry, dear Twilight. You have given me enough information to continue my investigation,” answered Microscope softly.
“I did?”
“Yes, my dear. And now do allow me to leave.” He bowed his head. “I appreciate your help. I’ll continue my investigation here in Ponyville.” With his piece said he walked off.
Spike gave Twilight a very dry expression, though inwardly he was smiling that the stallion had left, his cologne going with him. “What’s gotten into you, Twilight? What was with that whole staring at him like a kitten in love, huh?”
“I don’t know, Spike.. He’s just so... There was just something nice about him..”
“Was not.”
Twilight's eyes narrowed in a jocular way. “Are you jealous, Spike?”
“No,” he groaned. “Oh, hey, look. A letter. A real one this time,” he continued, his tone so dry it made Twilight thirsty. “Let’s get on with it – we’ve already wasted too much time. We’re making Derpy and the ‘consignees’ wait, and that is such a shame. Woe unto us for that. Woe is me.”
Twilight’s nose involuntary crinkled, forcing large gulps of air down her throat. The mental image of Microscope suddenly got a lot less dreamy and a lot more creepy.
*****
The world of the nocturnal awoke for another night as Twilight and Spike ambled through the empty streets of Ponyville. Or perhaps it was not so empty.
“Hi girls. What are you talking about?” Twilight inquired, cantering up next to a small selection of her closest friends as they stood under a streetlight, conversing amongst themselves as they were.
The three mares turned their heads to Twilight. “Howdy, Twilight!” welcomed Applejack, an orange mare with a blonde mane. She tipped her Stetson to accentuate the greeting.
“We are just talking about some guy we all meet today!” chirped a bubbly mare with pale pink coat and a dark pink mane – Pinkie Pie
“Y-yes, a-a stallion,” added Fluttershy, her long light pink mane half-hiding her face as she spoke.
Twilight shot them each a puzzled expression “Did he just so happen to have a light brown mane and black-rimmed glasses?”
They all blinked. “Oh, have you met him too?” Pinkie tweeted. “He’s awesome, isn’t he?”
“I still don’t get what’s so ‘awesome’ about him, Pinkie. He seemed like an ordinary stallion to me,” said Applejack. “To be honest, he was more than just a lil’ creepy.”
“There certainly was something off about him, Pinkie,” Twilight picked up.
“Oh, come on! It’s his cologne that makes you all crazy about him,” Spike groaned, throwing his hands into the air.
Everyone accosted Spike with the same curious expression “What cologne?” asked Twilight.
Spike rolled his eyes, dryly sighing, “What? Don’t tell me you didn’t notice that scent. It nearly drove me mad. Gave me the strangest craving for his kneecaps.”
Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “I don’t remember any cologne.”
Applejack glanced at her hooves. “I think I remember some sweet swell in the air,” she said. “I think it smelt like… a Narcissus Flower’s scent, maybe?” Spike nodded, his expression a tacit concurrence with her.
“Wait a minute, how do you know what narcissus flower smells like?” Twilight asked, arching a brow at Applejack. “I thought you weren't into flowers, AJ.”
“Well, you see...,” Applejack mumbled, scratching back of her head. “I was helping Rose and Lily with their garden yesterday, a-and I... Look, that kinda flower ain’t just something you can forget. Now can we just leave it at that?”
Twilight closed her eyes, exhaling a large breath as she tried to best her to remember. “You know, I was about to say that magical charming colognes don't exist, but” – she looked at Pinkie Pie – “I’ve learned enough not to disbelieve something simply because it doesn’t have a base in facts – at least not yet.” Spike rolled his eyes.
“So, you agree that he’s awesome?” Pinkie inquired, a devious smirk plastered across her muzzle.
“You’re missin’ a point here, sugar cube,” Applejack intoned.
Fluttershy took a step forward. “I… I had, um, the same reaction; the same feeling,” she said in at a volume barely above a whisper, blushing. “But then I saw reaction of my animals.” She licked her lips. “They were… afraid. Then I realized something… his eyes” – a slight shiver shook her knees – “for a second his pupils narrowed and-” She opened her mouth by a hair’s breadth, shuffling her bottom jaw side-to-side before saying anything further. “They became like, well, like a cat’s.”
Nopony spoke for what felt like a minute. The silence was ear-splitting.
“Sugar cube, now you’re just imagining things,” Applejack replied, her tone vaguely dry.
“No, I didn’t. When his pupils became like that-” Fluttershy took a deep breath. “He turned tail and galloped off – he didn’t even say a goodbye.”
The long silence was broken by Pinkie Pie. “I wish I could do that with my eyes! It’d be AWESOME!” The others shook their heads at her little outburst.
“Anyway,” said Twilight, “I think we all are worrying about trifles. Though I am curious, what did he ask you about?”
“The Elements of Harmony,” the three mares answered simultaneously.
“He asked us all how we got our Elements!” Pinkie chittered.
“You too?” Twilight muttered. “Well, I guess he did tell me he was going to ‘continue his investigation’, so that would make sense. Did he ask you anything in particular?”
“Just about the Elements, nothin’ other than that. He hardly pursued any line of questions after that,” Applejack replied.
“I see.”
“Hey, Twilight? Can we please go. I’m sure it was nothing and I’m tired,” Spike whined.
Twilight sighed. “Spike’s got a point. We’ve been working all day long. Look, we can talk about this later, deal?”
“Deal,” they all replied.
*****
The moon stood guard over the world below; her dance music the singing of cicadas, the chirps of bats, and the croak of frogs. A lonesome hill stood watch over the hamlet of Ponyville, and on this hill stood a stallion.
His coat the color of newborn grass; his tightly worn mane a shade of dark green, decorated with a respectably sized and pink narcissus flower. His equally pink eyes positively glistened as they bathed in the pale moonlight.
The standing stallion turned around, his ears perking to the approaching sound of another. This newcomer was a slender stallion with glasses. His expression was less-than a smile.
“How eez it all came through, beau?” singsonged the standing stallion.
“Better than I expected,” remarked Cauterium, walking up next to the one who had been standing. “But my worst fears may well have been confirmed.” His voice changed, becoming sharp, his words marred by a tinge of double-meaning. “By the way, Narcissus, your perfume worked well.”
Narcissus chuckled, his tone wry. “Of course eet eez, godiche! Mon perfumes always works! Dzis is my specialty, after all!”
Cauterium smiled. “Too good, to be exact. Some of those stupid girls couldn’t even mumble a word to me. You need to develop better doses.”
“My dozes are perfect, godiche!” Narcissus exclaimed, wrinkling his nose for effect. “Eet eez just your natural charm, beau, that caught dzeir attencion!”
“’Natural Charm’ my flank! I was hardly holding myself back from insulting those bumbling – literally! – morons. Plus, I almost – no, actually – revealed my true eyes, no doubt scaring the Element of Kindness.”
“Heh, good ol’ Cauterium. You are always able to hold dzat mask of yours, n'est-il pas? But looks like you learned something interesting from dzis pegasus? Your true eyes showing only in anger and excitement, do they not?”
Cauterium gritted his teeth as he glared at Narcissus. “How many times do I have to tell you to not call me by that name, Narcissus?”
“Oh, beau, don’t get angry over trifles. Old habits are difficult to eradicate,” Narcissus cooed. “So, you said dzat your worst fears been confirmed, beau? What do you mean by dzat?”
Cauterium glanced at the virgin moon. “That the you-know-what cannot activate unless we find suitable hosts for the Elements we have. Even my tech’s no good unless we get that little matter settled. Moreover, the Elements themselves must choose their wielders.”
Narcissus slumped his head to the ground, holding a hoof over his eyes as his head shook. “That ees, we must find dze five wielders to coax dze last Element to appear? And dze Elements must choose wielders themselves?”
Cauterium licked his lips as he leered at the town below, his mouth soon curling into a devious smirk. “No one said we couldn’t help them choose. So why don’t we?”
I'm interested. A few grammatical and structure errors are scattered about, but it's nothing big. I'd love to see where this story goes.
Also, if you need an editor/proofreader I'd be willing to do it
img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/da81036d0154eb89d6aa15e6d61941ea/http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e4/fiend83/mother-god-meme.jpg
it's you the Stalin of Stalingrad. With a badass chapter to a badass story.
Tracking
316318>>316335
Heh, thanks for feedback! Thing sad, two of three proofreaders Stalin hired had mysteriously diasppeared, si Stalin will be happy to recieve some poofreading help.
Moreover, i shall try to submit story to Training Grounds and ED whence at least 3 chapters shall be readt
It's an interesting basis for a story. Other than some mistakes with spelling, and grammar, it has a good flow to it. I'd also be willing to edit for you, if you like.
319342
Thank you! Somepony is already on it, but i'll tell you if i need help
323194
Nyet problem. Mne nravitsya pomogat' russkiie druzya. (Bil student russkovo yzika mnogo let nazad, Izvinite dlya oshibok). Anyway, ne puha, ne pera s tvoiei istorii.
Bozhe moi! This looks so bad typed with the Latin alphabet!
Hey there! It took me a little while, but I finally got some time to read this. Seeing as you're doing your thing for my story, I figure I'll do mine for yours...
Opening notes
Greetings! I'm Ezn, writer of ponyfic and occasional reviewer on /fic/. Here's my reviewer statement, full of links to previous reviews and the guide I wrote on writing (which I will be linking to sections of in this review).
I'm all about style and language usage, but I also try to give what feedback on characterisation and plot I'm able to. I'm going to go easy on the technicalities of your language usage because you're not a native speaker and you're having someone edit for you, but I will point out things you might want to change that aren't technical English mistakes.
Chapter 1
Line editing/Running commentary
*Atypical.
Seeing some tense changes here, but I'll assume that's just a language thing and your intention is to write this story in past tense.
That's some very unfortunate wording.
This is fanfiction. We know what the characters look like. I'd recommend just using their names because there really is no need to describe them.
If spellcheck tells you to do this, ignore it. Spellcheck thinks you're talking about Hercules's winged horse rather than a species.
That said, some like to capitalise race names (usually in fantasy - Dwarves, Elves, etc). I personally don't, but what's important is consistency. Either use Pegasus, Unicorn and Earth Pony or use pegasus, unicorn and earth pony.
*Owloysius (according to the MLP wiki)
Be careful with mane cast/OC shipping (if you're going to go down that road). If you don't get it perfect, it will make people hate your story.
...
I'm going to reserve judgement for now, but my Mary Sue senses are tingling.
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (click for what my guide has to say about it). Be careful of substituting descriptors for names/pronouns to often: it gets distracting for the reader. I believe that you should endeavour to always refer to named characters by their names, or by relevant pronouns, unless you're specifically using descriptors for a specific and deliberate narrative effect.
You've used an action tag to attribute this dialogue, so it should be punctuated like so:
>"Please forgive me if I'm taking up your time. My name is Microscope." He demonstrated his cutie mark, depicting a device slightly resembling the source of his name. “I am a scientist from a town called Upper Fields. I arrived in Ponyville looking for you.”
If the verb of the sentence isn't "said" or some equivalent, punctuate as above. Otherwise your dialogue punctuation looks fine, which is sadly unusual in fanfiction.
What wedding? I don't remember seeing any mention of a wedding.
There will never be a good reason to use multiple exclamation marks in a row. Rather than increasing the urgency of Twi's dialogue, they make the story look silly. Such punctuation abuse is best left to trollfics and zany comedies.
It's a good idea to always go with "he said". It's how we usually write it.
If you've put thoughts in italics, you really don't need quotes as well. It's overkill.
Well I learnt a new word today. That said, I'd recommend going with "mustard" instead.
Again, no need to describe characters the reader will already know. That is the benefit of writing fanfiction - you can just start using their names and people will totally be cool with it.
Using single quotes when you need to use quotes inside quotes.
>'awesome'
I do enjoy some silly accent shenanigans with minor characters, but if this guy's going to not be a minor character, you may want to tone it down to avoid annoying people.
He has a name. Using all these different descriptors is a great way to confuse your reader.
That dash has no purpose.
Overall thoughts
Well this is certainly an interesting case. You start by introducing an OC who's described with all sorts of positive words and makes Twilight start falling in love with him, which set off my Mary Sue alarms. Then you go on to have Pinkie talk about how awesome he is, which set off more of my Mary Sue alarms. Then you revealed that he was using some kind of magical perfume to make himself seem charming (a reveal that you foreshadowed properly, very nice) and I didn't really know what to think.
I guess the best thing to do would be to use more description and go more overboard with how you show Twilight falling in love with him. It would also be an idea to make him do and say a good deal more. Have him do some action, and have Twilight be amazed at how well he's doing it (in her warped perspective). Play up how the magical perfume affects her gradually by slowly ramping up her infatuation with this guy, and really ham it up and make it funny, because if you don't, people will think you're writing one of those stories where you have a self-insert OC who one of the mane six falls in love with for no reason.
This is dangerous territory, and there are going to be people who are going to click "Dislike" and close the tab when they see you making Twilight fall in love with some stallion she's just met. It's imperative that you make it clear that you're not actually doing something as unrealistic as that, because a lot of bad writers do that sort of thing a lot.
I don't really have much else to say. On a technical level, this needs major amounts of editing (preferably by a native English-speaker), which you've told me you have someone seeing to, so yay to that!
I'll get to your second chapter as soon as I can. Good day, sir!
Hmmm, well its interesting, someone actually studying the elements. Granted for nefarious reasons but its a good premise. You seem to have created a Mary Stu perfume. Dangerous thought there. More to the point I am not certain its a necessary element to your story. You have a few grammatical errors here and there. "When we then had to help ponies repair their roofs afterwards." You'll need a good editor to fix it up, not for your OC's necessarily; they can be expected to speak in a nonstandard manner since they come from another region, but the Ponyville residents' dialog will need work. Granted this is only chapter one, but so far I am seeing little characterization, other than your descriptions and names I would not know these are the Mane Six talking. Finally, the one pony you featured most in your chapter, Twilight, this depiction of her getting hot and bothered is a bit off. Twilight would only be confused by these thoughts, she barely understands friendship much less lust. Still, you clearly have a story to tell here. I'll continue to the next chapter.
This chapter is...ominous.
PREPARE THY SELVES FOR NEFARIOUS SHENANIGANS
I like the idea you're developing here. It is original, has compelling characters besides the mane six, and so far has kept me wanting to read. I've seen quite a few errors, whether they be missing words or grammar, but I was able to get around it and enjoy the story. I will be reading the other chapters you have up so far now to see what else I have to say. So far, so good.
The story seems to have an interesting plot developing, the whole cat eyes thing seems a bit creepy. I thought at first Fluttershy just meant his eyes looked cat-like like as in devious.
Loved the cologne of manipulation, or rather, bumbling.
I always love stories giving Pinkie funny lines early on, her desire for cat eyes cracked me up.
Was Pinkie oblivious to the cologne?
A think a good beggining chapter should be able to engage readers and set up the mysteries/characters/setting/etc for a story.
I think yours nails both aspects. You set up the villians, created mysteries on their goals and orgins, and set up major players. My really like the cologne/perfume idea, such an ingenius tool. Canterium so far is a great villian.
Phew. Finally got around to reading this so that I can review it. I've had it open in a tab in Google Chrome for days but I've just never gotten around to reading it or the other eight fics that are also in tabs up there.
So, I'm incredibly sorry for the delay, but here we go. I'll probably also comment on the other chapters as well.
There were some grammatical issues that I noticed while reading, but they have already been pointed out and it is to be somewhat expected when switching languages that have different grammar rules. The calling of Applejack's coat gamboge and her mane a pale lightish-grey olive threw me for a loop. I'd never heard Applejack being described as gamboge before, and you must be looking at a different mane, because I see a straw-blonde mane on Applejack and that does not look like any variation of an olive colouring.
All that aside, I find it very intriguing. The French pony I find pretty funny, although the use of 'dz' in place of a 'z' when coming up with the French accent in English is a little jarring. Neither the English or French employ use of 'dz' very much at all, so to some people the sound may be a little hard to imagine because of the extra 'duh' sound they would place before the 'z-uh'. I didn't find a problem with producing the sound, because I knew what you were going for, but just using a z would have worked just as well.
Like I said, intriguing. I like how the ponies were somewhat oblivious while Spike and the animals are the only ones to pick up on his cologne and inherent creepiness.
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
My days are filled with too much Stalin, but I found you and now I'm here. The adventures of "Stalin! Shepard" with have to wait.
Ezn essentially wrote out my thoughts before I even read his comment proper, but perhaps I could offer auxiliary assistance.
I am not a professional review, just a very sarcastic Traveler from the future. I might be a little mean here, but please don't take any offense; I wish to help all authors.
Initial impressions:
“When it shall be ready?” - wat. This phrasing is rather awkward. The way it's written, I almost though it was another pony speaking. I know what he was referring to, but it took me a little longer than I would've like to comprehend it. It would be better as, "When will it be ready?" or "When shall it be ready?"
The stallion’s horn lit up in green. - Curious use of language here. I understand it, but again, it's a little awkward. It'd be better as, "The Stallion's horn found itself enraptured in an emerald glow."
...a lavender mare with three-colored mane responded - Oh Gott von auben, nein. As Ezn mentioned, please avoid using "Lavander mare" more than (My personal favorite is "[the] magician girl'). Moreover, "...three-colored" made be think of the French Tri-color, and thus of France. Twilight's mane is described very well in here, just below the picture of her on the right. Use that wiki whenever you want to describe a anypony's particular colors.
Suddenly, Twilight noticed a slim unicorn stallion approaching. There was something strange about him… But what...? ... Kindness and understanding seemed to breath from him. ... Twilight noted that he mysteriously attracted her, but she could not understand why. - a glorious example of "Show, Don't Tell", with a preference towards the unfortunate latter. Don't just tell me, the reader, these facts - explain them, dammit! Don't tell me that Twilight was attracted to him, mentioned her heart making an odd beat at his sight. Have her be unusually forthcoming to him, only for her to stop herself and question why she's being so forthcoming. Don't tell me that "Kindness and understanding seemed to breath from him", go into elaborate detail about his actions and how they make him seem like a A-Okay guy. This is a tremendous flaw with new writers, but don't be daunted! We readers are pretty smart, imply these things instead of giving us the straight up facts!
The "Show, Don't Tell" is arguable your biggest flaw, but it is a common flaw. Being able to properly show will make your tale much more enjoyable to read.
Now then, I'm off to offer my critique on your next chapters. Tally Ho!
Alright, first chapter down.
Well put together aside from the occasional error, but nothing flow breaking. There was this, ". Stallion took this vial in disgust and looked at his warped reflection on its grains." I believe there should be a 'The' at the beginning of that sentence.
The chapter managed to feel mysterious, and moody. Another example of how a lack of outright exposition can do better things to a story.
The opening paragraph felt a bit repetitive, every sentence mostly having the same structure, but that's just me nitpicking.
All in all, good. I'm interested enough to read the next chapters, and if I wasn't on such a tight schedule today, I'd read some more.
Tracked
I just identified a few mistakes:
Why I so attracted to him? It doesn’t make any sense!
Do you mean "Why am I so attracted to him?"
Stallion took this vial in disgust and looked at his warped reflection on its grains
I think you meant "The stallion" at the beginning.
"Remind me, Twilight, why are we doing it?"
Maybe more description needed in that question, some people tend to think things the wrong way...
Spike rushed toward trash can faster than he should have.
You mean "rushed towards the trash can faster than he should."
“I wish I could make my eyes like a cat’s! It would’ve been so AWESOME!”
I thought only RD says the word "awesome", but you're the author, I'm just pointing that out.
Overall I'd say this is an excellent story with a really good plot; but sometimes there are grammatical errors and such. The ones I listed above are the only ones I have found in this chapter, I will look forward to more, tracked, faved and already thumbed up.
This is actually pretty interesting! I'll have to read the rest later today!
Okay, great hook for the first chapter, definitely tracking. I really don't have anything negative to point out that hasn't been mentioned already and/or fixed. That said, you should probably take my opinions with a grain of salt, judging by the shit I write. On a semi-related note, funny-accent pony (too lazy to reread for name) is gay, calling it.
That's definatly an interesting start for a fanfic. Though, makes me wonder if he only met those 4 girls or he actually gone through all of them.
Ah? You made afew errors here and there, but they are barely noticeable. As for the story, you actually know how to give away details in the specific manner they are needed. It's a great start for a story!
(Don't listen to him! He actually thinks it sucks!)
Don't listen to my brain. He's been losing it since we went to the world of Illogic.
(It's true!)
*starts strangling brain*.
493015 ...The logical post. So, I was serious when I said that you seemed to have done a few mistakes here and there but that they were nearly unnoticeable. And you really do know how to give out the details in the proper manner.All in all, this is a good beginning for a story. Also, allow me to run over Microscope with my flamethrower tank. It's just purrrrrrrrring in excitement. MMMhahaha! You cannot control THE CRAZY!
*I sit down and clear my head. I lift a pair of glasses and place them on my face* Now then, let us start.
*looks at the ficThe chapter starts off with some stallion reading a newspaper and then decides to pay them a visit.
*looks up* While this is good and all, I just don't get anything from him. This villain, Cauterium, doesn't really have much of a character. Now, usually, when I try to write a character in, I try and lay out their personality and stuf like that. Maybe stating the motive, or at least, hinting at it. With him...All I'm getting is 'I'm the villain'. And when he does get to the town, he just upfront asks every single one of the Elements of Harmony the same questions, the same day, right after each other.
Some stallions in a rush.
And I get the feeling he's trying to be a gentlestallion. That maybe his character, but I don't get that. He doesn't come across as such. He even needs some fancy perfume to help him. The more and more I look at him, the more I think 'classi bumbling goon'. You know, the type of villain that thinks he knows what he's doing, but just messes up his own plans. Which Cauterium does, since he's alerted the Elements of Harmony that he isn't exactly trust worthy. *I shake my head* If he's the head of this orginazation then I'm surprised Celestia hasn't found him out.
But of course, this is the first chapter. He may redeem himself, or at least be interesting later on.
Moving on, The part with Twilight and Spike was nice. Actually, it was really nice. I felt the connection between the two, you know, like siblings. They played off each other, and I loved the fact that Twilight knew what buttons to push to get him to do what she wanted. (Also, the fact that Spike hates the perfume. That may or not be useful. Like to repel other creatures, or attract carnivores so they can attack your enemies...That would be so awesome. )
Also, I hate Cauterium already. He got angry at Fluttershy and scared her...CLEARLY HE IS THE BIGGEST DOUCHE OF THEM ALL!
Narcissus, now he's more fun to read. He's the interesting villain, and he just appeared at the very end of this chapter. I really didn't care for the villains motives at first, but when he showed up, you got my interest. I don't know why. His unique way of talking and the fact that he's a potion maker and such, intrigue me.
Now, going on to the chapter in a whole...It feels rushed. Not in the manner that it didn't fit, but, if this was me, I probably would have extended it a bit, maybe show a encounter or two more, or have Cauterium USE A BRAINCELL!....I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.
I decided to review this chapter first, since there was so much that went through my head. Now, don't get me wrong. THat's a good thing. You're supposed to get your viewers to feel passionate about your story. And I am.
*Fav*
Quite enjoyable, I do believe that I will continue to read this. I really like the anonymity of the introduction, if not the entire chapter. It's these types of things that really do hook a reader in. You're possibilities with this are endless, which is why I'm intrigued to see how it turns out. However, while I believe this is definitely a story worth reading there are a few area's of concern. Aside from the occasional grammatical and structural error (like not indenting each new paragraph, however that is more stylistic than structural), you have a handful of habits which could cause issues in the future. So let's begin shall we?
While your descriptions and prose are quite poetic, you have tendencies to make them too poetic, to the point that they become purple. You start off quite strong, as if trying to strangle the reader into the story with mature diction and elevated vocabulary. Once you get past the initial phase, it becomes tolerable, and eventually reaches the point of perfection. A balance of lucid descriptions and beautifully simple diction. I'll admit, I am a perpetrator of this crime too. Purple prose may seem genius as you write it, but read over it more and more. It also helps to have someone else just read over and give you feed back in general. Usually this is mixed up with an editor, however they are quite different. A pre-reader analyzes the chapter/segment/story as a whole, and provides insightful feed back regarding stylistic tweaks. In fact, feel free to drop me a line when you write something, and I'll gladly look it over and critique it. Certain lines such as The windows, such that they were, were blocked out by a heavy black curtain, the sunlight utterly rejected from the room. In stark contrast to the hospice-white of the room, all the furnishing therein was a midnight black, giving the room an almost surreal feel. are really beautifully written, however there are multiple ways you can rewrite then to be less violently lucid, and more subtly brilliant. You have a tendency to over use adjectives to. Remember that sometimes the most effective sentance, is the most simple sentance.
Along with purple prose, you also suffer from a very common writing plague called LUS (lavender unicorn syndrome). There are segments where you only describe the physical and characteristic traits of a pony, instead of just saying their name. Now this is fine some times, however repetition is what butchers the scene. For example, in the scene where Twilight meets with her friends, you don't label them as Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, you only describe them with very vivid explanations. While this might seem like an amazing writing technique which pulls in the reader, it is quite the opposite. The general reaction to something like LUS is to be pushed away. The reader often thinks well why didn't you just say they were "such and such" in the first place. Once again the theme of simplicity is always nice. You can still describe them, but give the reader breaks in which they can rest their minds and let the story do the work.
Moving on to the theme of repetition. This is really more of a nitpick of mine, but I find it very un-attractive when authors use the same noun/adjective/verb more than once in a sentance. While there are a few situations where it is inescapable, the english language has a plethora of synonyms which can add contrast to sentences and at the same time not turn it into purple prose. This also goes for descriptions. In the beginning you explicated how black the curtains were and how white the room was to the point of redundancy. It was beautiful imagery, but by the end of the first paragraph I was suffocating in white rooms and black curtains. Think of descriptions as a one time thing only. Once you have described an object/pony/place/feeling it will remain that way until you describe it otherwise, so there is no need to remind us of how "sterile" the white room is.
Finally I'm going to touch on the characters speech, specifically Fluttershy and Narcissus. First let me give you some general tips. When writing you want to keep your characters actions to a minimum while they are speaking. I did this a lot too, however it really distracts the reader from the story. You do not need to explain how a character says everything. Some time's it's good to just let the dialogue run and leave out descriptions. Here's an example.
Bad
"But granny said I could have a cookie" she said expeditiously
"Yeah," replied Tracy, "well granny isn't here."
Kate walked up to Tracy and stared her down, "don't make me hurt you."
Good
"Kyle's going to the movies tomorrow with Chris"
"Again? but they just went yesterday!"
"I know man, she's really sucking the life out of him."
The only time you should do the first one is if there is drastic changes in a characters disposition or actions, so that the reader can understand why she is saying something. (sarcasm and the body movements that go along with it is a very good example.)
Moving on to Fluttershy. Her dialogue, while timid, is not to the point of disability. She stutters from time to time, however you need to remember that she is not so much of an introvert when around friends. She has confidence, its just the mane 6 are the only ones who can get her to explicate that. You have a tendency to make her stutter too much, and it really breaks up the flow.
Narcissus. I really like the idea of having foreign accents, but much like with Applejack in other fics, sometimes this takes over their speech. It sometimes gets to the point that the reader is spending more time trying to decipher what the character said instead of attributing it to the story. While I understood what he said, you have certain instances where it borderlines with illegible. Tone it down a tad and you should be fine.
That's pretty much everything that really jumped out at me. You are an exceptionally good writer, and I look forward to reading more of this story. Keep my suggestions in mind, and send me a message when you plan on writing more and need someone to look over it. I would be happy to help.
Cordially
Mr.Dependable
You wanted a Review, so here we go! Much like your own Stalinviews, I'm going to start this "stream of consciousness" style and see where it goes.
Chapter 1:
First of all, I have no idea what color "gamboge" is. I'm guessing it's a shade of orange, and I understand you want to introduce the characters through colorful descriptions, but at least mention AJ's hat when she's introduced.
"'Wait a minute, how do you know what a narcissus flower smells like?' Twilight said, arching a brow at the Applejack"
the Applejack. just pointing it out.
"enough to disbelieve something just because it doesn't have a base n facts,'"
I'm guessing you meant a base in facts.
"'How eez all came through, beau?'"
....what?
"you need to develop a better doses.'"
Now for the less nit-picky stuff:
Overall, a good start, this story actually reminds me a lot of my own. As said by some others already, Cauterium is a little under-developed, but his personality rings a lot like my own OC's, so I know that kind of character well. Some other reviewers seem to dislike him, but he's a dedicated villain, so I say just roll with it. I know you may be in too deep to change him at the time of writing, but I would like to see him actually interact with the world more, right now he's just kind of an observer. In fact, give him a good, tragic back-story, and make all those people who hate him right now feel bad about it later (that's where I'm going with my character! )
Everypony is in character, but I do have to say, like some others before me, that presenting the mane 6 by appearance is a little confusing (at first I thought they were the flower sisters!), but i understand how describing a character we already know can still improve a story. I suggest including other descriptive factors; Fluttershy and Pinkie's voice, AJ's hat, etc.
Narcissus seems interesting, though I suggest laying off the accent a little. I know he's supposed to have a heavy french accent, but I had to read some of his dialogue thrice to understand what he was talking about!
Also, I know it's been said before, but the "magical perfume" is thin ice if I ever saw it. I'm a little guilty of trying to make my OC's alluring as well, but it needs to take a little longer for this stuff to take effect, or once the effects wear off, they should be gone. On the other hand, if you're trying to make it feel somewhat uncomfortable for the reader (which is an option a lot of writers ignore, after all this is the villain Twilight's attracted to), than it works like a charm.
It's a little early to tell, but I think this story certainly has potential, keep it up!
Hmm...this is very interesting so far. Two suspicious ponies plotting to do something vile to the elements. I'm interested. I'm not one for reviews, but I guess I'll share what I think about it all. Story looked flawless to me, If Equestria Daily didn't sponsor this, they are CRAZY! And I'm already on the verge of sanity. Anyways, I shall continue reading.
Okay, I've read through the first chapter and discovered several things.
Your imagery and descriptions. Sure they are alright, but to me they are fairly inconsistent as that sometimes I believe you over-do certain areas whilst for other areas I believe you could have used a little more.
Other things I noticed. each passing – each agonizing – minute. These dashes to me are unnecessary, I believe it would be better off without it.
Some areas contain irregular spacing, though it doesn't really affect the story, it would be more pleasing to the reader's eye.
Also "“’Natural Charm’ my flank." I think there should be an exclamation there.
Other than that, So far It's been a good read and I love the pictures you have inserted. I will continue reviewing your awesome story tomorrow!
I'm interested. You established the conflict of the story, established the villain as the main character, which ALWAYS makes a story more interesting (at least so far, I've only read the first chapter. I'm not sure if Cauterium is the main character or not yet, but it looks that way), and you did a great job using the first chapter as an attention getter.
Now to nitpick.
There's no real need to give a detailed description of canon characters. Were this a novel and every character was an original creation, then a detailed description of each main character would be quite critical, but in a fanfiction it takes a little away from the story. Also, when describing a character, try to make it flow with the story. I know you want to set an image of what a character looks like, but it reads easier when descriptions aren't necessarily separate from the rest of the story. Your best bet is to write character descriptions in tandem with scenery descriptions. For example:
“Hi girls. Whatcha talkin about?” Twilight inquired, cantering up next to a small selection of her closest friends as they stood under a streetlight, conversing amongst themselves as they were..
The three mares turned their heads to Twilight. “Howdy, Twilight!” welcomed Applejack, an orange mare with a blonde mane. She was, as always, wearing her iconic Stetson.
That would read easier if it were something like:
"Hi girls! Whatcha talking about?" Twilight asked as she cantered up to a small selection of her closet friends. The three mares turned and smiled.
"Howdy, Twilight!" Applejack welcomed, her orange coat and blonde mane shining under the light of the streetlamp. As always, her iconic Stetson rested on her head.
It's not a huge thing, but it does allow the story to read a little easier and more smoothly than separating the descriptions does. Well, I hope I was helpful! Onward to the next chapter!
After a couple episodes of Avatar, of course!
Corny
Here are my thought on the Chapters, As I end each chapter, I will make a different response!
So Chapter 1! Here we go! The description got me interested, so let's see what we've got here.
So we begin with a scientist with THE CHAOS EMERA-- I mean gems in a machine. Holy crud, Half his life went by on this thing? I wonder what he's trying to do here? Gotta keep reading, This guy's gotten interesting. (Just joking at the Chaos Emerald Part, no need to judge. XD)
Narcissus huh? Hmm...I wonder what he means by the gift?
--------------------
Ah nice! We go to my Favorite Pony trying to help Ditzy/Derpy! It's nice that you give visual description here. Not alot do that.
Yeah, Spike Shut it! You leave Ditzy alone! Anyway...
Hmm...Microscope Eh? What's this? Does Twilight have a case of First sight of love? Uh oh. I'd be scared too if a random stranger came up and said "are YOU Geon?"
Twilight, Dont do it! Stranger Danger, Mare, STRANGER DANGER! Dont tell him! Oh good, you didnt. PHEW!
Hmmm...investigation...I wonder what He could possibly want with information like that?
--------------------
Here we go! The mares meet up and they all saw the same pony! Applejack's the only one who thought him as Creepy? Right Idea, Applejack! You're Honesty knows no bounds!
Ahhh...So NOW I know what she was smelling in the air, A flower! And Narcissus, now I understand what he meant by "Time to try your gift".
A cat's eye? hoo boy, this Pony keeps getting creepier and creepier, his motives are still unclear, giving me a sense of Mystery as to why he wants the information. Good job there!
Cauterium...Now there's a name for a pony. And that Nar. (Brief name) He's got quite the accent. XD
Hmm...Yeah, Natural Charm my Flank. This thing sounds alot more in depth than that, mein freund.
BOTTOM LINE OF CHAPTER 1: So far, the characters keep me interested, and aching for more of their motives, and possible backstory. I've got no beef with any small error, because they're not that noticeable, leaving me to keep reading. To see only Applejack and Fluttershy see something off, is definitely a good chuck in the right direction. So far, You've got me hooked, and I'll need to read more of this. For now, onto chapter 2!
Gee, I feel so bad pointing out the errors in the chapter. But it is my job as a reviewer to do so.
Once more, you've come out and just stated that Spike is a dragon. Since it's the first chapter and they're main character's, it's fine to hand out their names. You shouldn't hand out their species or details. Same deal as before; show me through their actions and words what they are and how they act. He can introduce himself as 'Spike the Dragon,' or the narrative can bring it up if it's relevant to what's happening. Otherwise, the narrative shouldn't say a thing.
“Twilight, why do you even need me here if you can fetch all these letters with magic?” he pointed out, his expression utterly neutral.
'Utterly neutral' implies that he doesn't care or is really calm. I'm pretty sure he's neither of those.
Twilight’s expression went downright nefarius.
Change 'went' to 'become' so it'll flow better. Also, 'nefarious' is misspelled.
he noticed a creamy-white, vaguely mannila thing
'Manila' only has one n. Unless it's a 'colored vs. coloured' kind of thing that I don't know about.
Out of the corner of her eyes, something caught her attention. It was a rather slender stallion.
This is unneeded. It's a cop-out to have a character's attention mysteriously drawn to another character. Since he's looking for her and instigates their conversation, just have her notice him when he say 'excuse me, miss' or something to that effect.
– something Twilight would never let stands,
'stand'
There was something off about the stranger, at least that’s how Spike saw it. There was something
'There was something' is used a little too often here.
As Spike tasted the scent he began to find the Stranger both more and less tolerable.
Since he's already been introduced as Microscope, stranger doesn't need to be capitalized. It shouldn't really be capitalized at all unless it's used as a name, though.
There was something about his kind, caring expression that made her skin crawl, only to vanish if she stared long enough at him. Yet something about his eyes gave the impression that he wasn’t learning anything; it was as though he already knew everything he needed to know beforehand.
The paragraph is worded a little awkwardly. His is expression is kind and caring; that shouldn't make Twilight feel fear, especially since she's under the influence of something. There should be a flash or a brief moment where his expression indescribably changes to cause this. Also, it was as though he already knew everything he needed to know beforehand is too much information.
Twilight's eyes narrowed. “Are you jealous, Spike?”
“No,” he sighed.
It'd be better if Twilight were joking, instead of her eyes narrowing. If you change that, make Spike's 'sigh' something more powerful in response, like a groan or something.
Twilight’s nose involuntary crinkled in the air, forcing large gulps of air down her throat.
Too much air. Just remove 'in the air' and it's fine. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't crinkled a sound more than a series of folds?
The world of the nocturnal awoke for another day
'Another night' might be better.
“Hi girls. Whatcha talkin about?” Twilight inquired,
I'm sorry, that 'whatcha' really grated on me. That doesn't feel like something Twilight would say.
When you introduce Twilight's friends, you're letting the narrative just out and out tell us what they look. You need to be at least a little subtle and at the same time let the descriptions flow. A simple 'adjusted her stetson' or 'wiped her rainbow colored main from her eyes' or 'her long, pale pink mane covering her face' is fine and can even be used to demonstrate their personalities at the same time, if used properly, as long as it doesn't shake the context of the situation too much. This is difficult with their fur color, as aren't many ways in which it's natural to bring it up. But since they are main character for the story (I assume), you can be a less subtle about that. I know that sounds odd considering the green stallion you introduce later is described just fine and you mention his fur color, but that's because we're not in the point of view of a character who doesn't know him, so it can slide.
You also should write out Applejack's accent, since you do it with Narcissus later.
“I think I remember some sweet scent in the air,” she said. “I think it smelt like… a Narcissus Flower’s scent, maybe?”
Too much scent. Maybe a smell?
Nopony spoke for a solid minute.
That's a long time not to talk, though it's only sixty seconds. A shorter amount of time would sound better.
respectably-sized
Don't need that dash there.
The standing stallion turned around, his ears perked to the approaching sound of another.
'Perked' should be 'perking.' I can't remember why, I'm just really sure it should be.
Narcissus chuckled, his tone wry and almost sultry. “Of course eet eez, godiche! Mon perfumes always works! Dzis is my specialty, after all!”
If his tone is sultry, he shouldn't be using so many exclamation marks.
“’Natural Charm’ my flank.
There's a mini-quotation mark after the normal one that should be formatted properly. It's hard because of how most word processor's auto correct this, but you need to find a way to get past the stupid machine.
Plus, I almost – no, actually – revealed my true eyes, no doubt scaring the Elements of Kindness.”
The first part should say, "Plus, I almost – no, actually – I did reveal my true eyes." Also, I know for a fact that there is only one Element of Kindness.
The newcomer, Cauterium, gritted his teeth as he glared at Narcissus.
'Newcomer' isn't needed here and just slows the brain down.
Old habits are difficult to eradicate!” Narcissus cooed.
If he's cooing, there shouldn't be an exclamation mark.
Even my tech’s no use unless we get that little matter settled Moreover, the Elements themselves must choose their wielders.”
Need a period after 'settled.'
Finally, this story is mislabeled. A comedy story revolves around the 'funny' aspect of the story. You're obviously trying to get me to take this seriously, so the comedy label doesn't work. The 'adventure' tag fits, in my opinion, but not by EQD's basic standards. Right from their site, adventures are Stories that involve the ponies traveling great distances and seeing new locations. Unless they go traveling, it isn't technically an adventure. They might let this fact slide because nothing else works, but you may want to ask them about it.
There we go, that's all the issues. Here's what's good.
I chuckled at the title of this chapter. What a great play-on-words that I'm surprised I haven't seen before. Well done.
I can see, from looking at the comments, that you've edited this story from hell and back in an attempt to get this just right. You've listened and taken what your reviewers have said seriously. The things that I said were wrong, other than Applejack's accent, the lackluster introduction of Twilight's friends, and the labels for the story, are actually nitpicks more than anything else. This feels like a story I would read on EQD, it's that good.This is mechanically and structurally easy to read. You've taken this idea for a plot, the backbone of the story, and added great characters and intriguing suspense. I desperately want to find out where this is going, what those two stallions are up to, and how our heroes will deal with this. I feel like the characters are real and I can relate to them in some form or another, not to mention they talk to each other well and realistically.
And, of course, those are some awesome pictures you've made. This is so close to being perfect that I hate saying anything bad about it. Good job, Stalin. You're on your way.
Sincerely,
The Conflicted Writer
Dark clouds are on the horrizion, I see.
I know this is an old story, but I'm revisiting it. It's been a while since I've read it anyways. And I think this needs a review!
Here are the positive aspects:
You have made a great hook for the reader within three paragraphs! I mean, why would somebody possess the Elements of Harmony, or at least representations of them? Hook, line, and cheddar, set!
The pictures are something to be admired, Stalin. You yourself take the time to make them, and it gives great representation.
Twilight and Spike were accurately in character! Spike even showed the side of him where as a child, imagination and creativity linger about throughout everyday actions. And his laziness, one of his best known traits, is shown as well. Twilight shows in character traits as well.
Twilight's response to Canterum is explained logically, and connects with the rest of the elements. This foreshadows Narcissus as well.
Here are the problems:
Cauterium sighed This was in the fourth paragraph. Nobody knows what to picture Cauterium as until a few sentences later. Yea, this is a stupid problem, but in the eyes of a new reader, this might be confusing. As with my compliment about the picture, unfortunately I think that is the best way to introduce Cauterium. A great author is able to give an idea of his characters through the text. Of course, this may have changed for the later chapters, I don't remember. Anyways, back to the review.
I would think that the Elements of Harmony are smart enough to write to the princess about Cauterium. A strange stallion who scared one of them and had some sort of magical perfume is definitely suspicious.
Narcissus is a very interesting character, but I'm afraid that illiterate readers or simpletons (not sure if that is the word I'm looking for) might have extreme difficulty understanding him.
Overall, I still enjoyed this chapter. I look forward to the next ones, however, as I remember that the Elements of...Disharmony, if I remember correctly, had entertaining introductions that made me love this story. This first chapter is indeed a great hook, but the bait is dead and stopped bleeding. In layman's terms, you did great, but it could be better. I hope you enjoyed my review, and I apologize if it seems a bit rushed. I'm typing with two braces on due to possibility of carpal tunnel. I hate this issue of mine. Anyways, enjoy the rest of your day/night, and I appreciate whatever thanks is received. I may need to practice reviewing, though. All in all, when my brain isn't fazed and I'm feeling better, my reviews should be better as well!