The_Vernster
Joined 9th Dec, 2013 ·
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All I can say is, the prose needs some work...
3615905 Yeah I am open to suggestions, this is my first one after all.
3615929
I ain't much if a just for smut writer, but definitely have a better prose than just pranking. Maybe make each prank reveal something about each character? And I knew I smelled Cupcakes once I read past the "Knockout" part. Maybe change that, I dunno.
Huh. Where to begin? Well, first of all, the use of a wing inside Pinkie was unusual, but I'd consider it more akin to fisting than a penis. Hurricane Fluttershy practically proved that analogy, plus wings are much bigger and more delicate in the same manner, and would need to be introduced similarly into the vagina or anus, so as not to injure either partner.
I think my biggest problem is that you have a lot of ideas here, and none of them really gets the attention that they deserve. You have to understand that BDSM alone is a major topic, and consent is one of those things that isn't exactly gloss-over worthy. Although, I guess it depends on how it's presented. If you were doing a longer piece, depending on how realistic your aim is, addressing the angle of consent could be very important. If you keep it short, you could ignore it more, but only if you want to keep the present qualities in tact.
This reads as a very direct fantasy translation, which is fine. I'm cool with those. Problem is, you didn't focus on any particular kink, nor did you have the feelings down pat. Strictly fantasy stories can get away with being as surreal and sparse as dreams, but they also require way more focus on what matters, if that makes any sense. They must emphasize the desire that they're driving at. I'm sorry if I'm not explaining it very well. As an example, take a father-daughter incest fantasy. It needs to focus on what makes that fantasy click for the people with that fetish. This, as it currently is, isn't fetish fuel. It's just kind of a lack-luster dream sequence.
My recommendation would be to reassess what you were going for. You could elaborate on it, give it a lot more build-up by showing the pranks, and then have Pinkie Pie spring some hot bondage on Rainbow Dash, with more visual and emotional descriptions of the sex between them. Or, you could keep it short, revise what is really making this tick for you, and then elaborate on that. Being short and sweet is fine, but this is kind of all over the place right now. Does that make sense?
Also, I would highly recommend creating more paragraph divisions. Too much is lumped in together. Here's an example of some adjustments I might make.
You also have a lot of random tense changes, between present and past, as well as several run-on sentences. I'd recommend getting a proof-reader and editor. Also, this is a very helpful link for writing overall.
As far as the blur between pleasure and pain goes... I think you need to really try visualizing some of this better in your mind. In the above, Pinkie would have to be squeezing insanely hard for that to hurt, unless the edges of her hooves were starting to pinch into the flesh. I think just spanking her would be more effective, and much more in line with the basic premise that Pinkie is 'punishing' Dash here.
Honestly, I think the general idea is okay. It's just the execution that is lacking. When ever you're pondering how something would work out, try to consider the little details that are going into what is happening. You may want to consider a bit of research as well. That can go a long way, especially where porn is concerned.
I like it!!! He he he he
