Pinkie Pie finds out. Goes to Dash and puts her love to the test. Something happens that she isn't suspecting. But, when it does happen... Who's heart is gonna get broken first?
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 15th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen Jan 15th, 2017
ShimmerShine
Hello bronies of the world, I'm Shimmer Shine and welcome to my stuff!!! I like all things Cartoon Network, drawing and of course, ponies!!! I hope you like my stories and have a derpy day!!! BYE!!!!!
ShimmerShine
Joined 15th Jul, 2013 ·
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and then cheese got pissed then killed them both with his party tank THE END!
This could do with being edited to comb out spelling and punctuation errors. Things like "in live with you", "pushe" and "toutch", as well as fragments (unfinished sentences that just cut off, usually missing something that they need to actually make sense, like "wrapping her wing around the earth pony") all tend to distract the reader from the story and distance them, making it difficult to connect with characters and enjoy the story. And, well, you have quite a few of them scattered around.
Your story was enjoyable enough, but it is let down a little by those mistakes and also a general lack of characterisation. Whilst reading it, I didn't really feel like the characters were individuals with their own habits, mannerisms and way of speech - particularly Pinkie, who is a very distinctive character. I'd recommend very carefully considering each line of dialogue (and thought) and seeing what little, tiny ways of rephrasing them make them sound more like something you'd hear from the characters in the show - or deliberately make them sound different, to demonstrate how a particular aspect of a situation is affecting the character. For example, Pinkie's dialogue is surprisingly tangent-free and to the point, which is not very common for Pinkie - we often get the feeling that Pinkie can't really control her outbursts most of the time. If you wanted to use this to show how much Pinkie is affected by the situation, I would advise either including a segment before the situation arose in which Pinkie behaves and speaks in her normal way so that the contrast is clear, or explicitly mention the contrast in a statement that shows someone (maybe even Pinkie herself
) is aware of the change in Pinkie's behaviour.
Overall, not a bad start, but this has got quite a long way to go. Your story is well-paced and flows smoothly, although I would suggesting slowing it down a little in the middle by having Rainbow put up a little resistance to Pinkie's questioning (it'd be a little more in character, not to mention varying pace works wonders in writing).
This was not a bad story. However, all the issues here have already been pointed out by Quill Scratch, in terms of continuity and especially grammar.
All in all, I enjoyed your story, which I can tell that you put effort into it. And I also liked that it didn't drag. For future stories, and maybe even this one, might I suggest finding an editor to help with grammar and continuity issues.
It could of been set up better gramatically and plot-wise, but a decent story.
I like the premise. The idea of Rainbow Dash and Cheese Sandwich both vying for Pinkie's love is definitely interesting. I'm not really a big fan of any Mane Six pairings, because it alters the friendship dynamic, but I have nothing against them.
That said, I thought this could use a lot of revision. As everyone else has mentioned, the grammar needs a lot of work and there are some major typos. It also felt kind of forced, garbled, and a bit too short in general.
The turnaround for Pinkie's feelings are really fast too. Did Pinkie feel any affection for Cheese at all or was she simply settling for whatever came her way? I'm cool with either, but it would be nice to know. Admittedly it makes Pinkie look rather cruel if she was just leading him on, but love is messy and confusing at times. Plus, Pinkie has certainly made some cruel, thoughtless mistakes in the show, so I can accept that, though I don't personally prefer it.
Also, the logic sort of confounds me, even though from a technical aspect it helps reduce repetition. Just telling Pinkie that he was leaving while she looks like she's about to cry, with no other explanation, is weird. Why wouldn't Cheese ask Pinkie first and then talk to Rainbow Dash? Or at least try to help her cheer up Dash, since they're both Party Ponies? And I can see Cheese being worried about getting kicked, don't get me wrong, but I have to imagine that he'd be more persistent than this at trying to soothe both Pinkie and Dash, even if he didn't end up with better results. He's just as stubborn as they are, more or less.
I can see this being done well as a short story with tight pacing, but this wasn't quite the way to do it, in my opinion. To be truthful, I felt it was unnecessarily over-dramatic. I also would have preferred a more thoughtful approach where Pinkie muddles through her thoughts a little more before committing to anything. Not necessarily during the kiss. I mean earlier on, at the beginning. It would give her change of heart more impact, I think.
Of course I also feel bad for Cheese. I really like him and he's getting the short end of the stick here. It would have been nice to at least give him some enjoyable scenes with Pinkie Pie before all the crap hits the fan.
Calm down everypony!!! There is gonna be a sequel talking about what Cheese did after Pinkie told him. Yes she felt a feeling for him but, realized her heart was with Dashie
4065511
I am calm.
Only one person wasn't calm and they might have been joking.
That's nice, and a good idea, but that doesn't address the constructive criticism in the comments. Just in case you thought it did.
To be honest, I would say that works better as a second chapter than a whole other story, for that matter. At least in my opinion. I think it serves as a better resolution than the one the story has currently ended on, if only because we need more time for Pinkie to wrap up and move onto the changes in her life.
Then add some stronger hints of that to the story, where it should be in the first place. It wouldn't require much; maybe just a sentence or two. Whatever feels appropriate.
U should make a sequel where it's like a love triangle and Pinks has to choose inbetween Cheese or Dash (as u can tell I've read Twilight and Hunger Games so I love love tringles)
I was so happy to see another story added to CheesePie club and then I started to read and saw PinkieDash hint...
Sorry but after that I quit! 
Yes yes. You people are crazy!! Ok you pick. Next chapter or other Story??
Why do you keep saying Cheese Sand instead of Cheese Sandwich?
4070458 Pfft, hey guys, he/she called us crazy. Isn't that just the cutest little thing? Oh shimmerShine, you made me giggle. Well done. *pats on the head*
4196604
Ok... That's a bit of an odd comment and I will have you know I am a SHE. Thanks for reading!
4201579 She, he, they're all the same thing, right? Anyway, you're welcome. I shall now stalk you until I get bored. ^.^ Catch ya later.
4209248
Ok?
4209520 Wow, way to make a guy feel creepy just by using one word, sheesh.
4062202 LOL!
WHY WASN`T IT CHEESE?!? UGHHHH!!!
I'M STILL MAD! UGHHHHH!!!
4257480
It wasn't cheese because, I don't ship Pinkiesandwhich
Sorry jack
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PINKIE U DUNDIDALY F***** UP NOW CHEESE IS DEPRESED AND MAY COMIT SUICID WHY PINKIE WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY
no one cares if u don't ship cheesepie if it is NOT cheesepie no one likes it just look at your dislikes compared to your likes
and F/F stories are just so wrong on so many levels no offence to others this is just my perspective
4528224 well. You people need to calm down. I don't ship Pinkiesandwhich and I don't care if you do. It his is a story Idea I had based on my friend 'Dash' so all you need to calm down. If you don't like it, don't go nuts on the writer. Dislike and be done. Thanks
- Shimmer Shine
wow am I in a cactus field because I see a lot of pricks right now yah fucking assholes
4596922
Thanks.
Well I just have to protect my pinks now don't I!
4596945
Thanks, Dashie. Don't know what I'd do without you.
Love triangle aspect: Failed
and The hunger games series used it doesn't mean you should too because a proper one takes a good sized story to develope properly) but you chose all the worst aspects of it and plopped them on paper and branded Mlp on the back. I will not support use of f/f but also will not prejudice you for it.
Proper character representation: Failed
Grammatical errors: Extreme
Pacing: Pretty bad
Dialogue: Moderate to below average
Set up: Random
Stereotypical climax and ending: Definitely so.
Extra chapter: Unneeded and unfunny
If your going to write something put effort into making it good, us internet people base our judgments of your intelligence and character on your stories or comments so think before you post a story half-assed as this.
No I don't 'like' the paring but that doesn't affect my judgment I would have liked if you made a respectable use of the extremely overused love triangle (Just because Twilight
In the end it just seems like you took your favorite characters threw them in a mixer with some book shreddings and baked that into a fruitcake that people have been passing around for years.
No I have not and never will read Twilight
, but I have read The Hunger Games series and it is one of my favorites.
4528260 I'm sure people will take complete offence. I hate those people who vent because they don't like something when its SO easy to avoid before mentioned thing. Also, I just so happen to like PinkieDash but not CheesePie.
4528224
Dude Calm Down Pinkie Has The Right To Choose
4729714
Dude Don't Be A.... Something? Whatever But Don't Openly Expocite Your Problems With A Fanfic
Just If You Don't Like It Then Just Don't Read It Okay?