Chapter 2
The lost of magic and a secret
The next morning I woke up to a sick, sleeping Night. He had a small fever and was tossing all in his sleep. He slowly awoke and he stopped, something wasn't right.
“Night what is it, you look hurt,” I whispered to him as he laid back down.
“I... all my magic its gone. Urm,” Night replied to me.
I had one little problem, my mom was coming home today. I don't know what to do should I tell her or find a way to hide him. Poor Night, without his father he couldn't pull that much magic. Without Discord to give power he can't do anything today.
“Night we got a problem. My mom is coming home and you can't hide!” I yelled as Night covered his ears.
“You've got to be joking me.” Night said back, even though he was sick and tired.
“NOPE.avi.” Told you I was big PC gamer.
Night looked confused, but I would explain that later. Right now I...
SHRECHHH
“Fuck!” Night yelled, he stole the word right out of my mouth.
I could hear the truck come to a stop. The gate opened and I could hear the lock become unlocked. Right about that time Night tried hiding in my backroom, but it wouldn't work. He was to big too fit.
“Caelan are you awake and what was that noise?” Night knocked over a ball and it was flat so when it dropped, it dropped hard, man why must I have hardwood floor.
“Wolf bring her up here,” Night advised as he got back up on the bed.
“But what if...” I was stopped.
“Caelan?!” My mom called.
“OK! Fine I'll go get her but if she faints you are carrying her,” I called back as I walked to go get my mom.
“Oh, there you are. I have” I stopped her.
“Mom I've got someone I want you to meet,” I said shaking in pure fear.
My mother opened the door she turn to her right. Standing there was the one pony I wanted her to see. Night was still feeling sick, but he was able to get down and walk to my mother.
“Mrs. Smith was it, yes Wolf here talks about you all the time,” Ok first off why is Night talking like that and my mother almost fainted.
“Caelan y-y-you have some talking to do.” I was dead, as the words left my mother's mouth. I dropped, dead.
As we walked into the dining room, Night followed close behind me. My mom kept turning back to look at Night. I could tell she though she was dreaming. Night kept looking up at her and when he would she would turn her head back. We sat down at the table and Night hoped on one of the chairs, I was shocked mom didn't tell him to get down.
“Ok..Caelan start from the beginning,” My mom called to me as I patted Night.
“Mom I don't get it why are so confused, yes an all powerful being is here.” I stopped, Night opened his mouth.
“Yes Mrs. Smith, why are you frighten of me,” Night replied.
“Caelan how long as he been here and is he 'Good',” My mother asked as she looked back at him.
She tilted her head, I think she finally saw his wings and horn. Remember in our world this was the thing that the government would come after.
“Yes I am good. My father is the god of chaos, Discord. Sadly my mother is dead. When my father took over we killed the two who stood before us. The one named Nightmare Moon was my mother in a different form, Luna,” Night looked over and I nodded my head.
“So wait your” I stopped her.
I whispered in her ear. “Don't say that he might freak and trust me you don't want him to freak,”
She nodded and I sat back down.
“Night, yea Night you're different from which Caelan was talking about. Oh Caelan what with this 'Wolf' crap.” My mother said with that, You are so dead look.
“Oh remember how most people on steam call me that, well he calls me that,” I commented.
“I still don't believe this. Caelan is this one of your jokes,” My mom said as she stood up.
“So you don't believe me, I'll show you,” With that Night picked up a fork with what magic he had at the time.
“WHAT! You are real,” My mom screamed.
“Mom calm down, he won't hurt us he will protect us. Right Night?” I turn and he nodded yes.
We went on, my mom would ask a question I would answer or Night would.
“Sadly all my magic is gone right now, so I can't do anything magic wise,” Night said and with that she sent me and Night to bed.
“Wait come back here,” Me and Night stopped in our tracks. My mom gave me something.
It was the phone. Oh hell I said to myself, dad. That phone call lasted about two hours and he would come home tomorrow and for me to stay home.
My dad was home and like yesterday we went through the whole thing again. My dad keep bringing up the point that the government might come after Night.
“Mr. Smith I don't think that your government will come after me,” Night replied to every time he brought that up.
My dad keep talking about how Night was going to kill us all, HA. Me and Night both keep laughing at that and like my mom he didn't believe Night was real. The one thing Night show him was he could fly, so my father just went to bed and left me and Night there at the table.
“Your parent think I'm not believable. Hun, only kids could believe,” Night said as we laid down.
The next morning my parents were waiting for me and Night to come down. My dad took a good long look at Night. His horn and wings, fur color, and eye color. I went to get something for Night to eat and when I was gone my parents kept asking Night to do things to show he wasn't fake. I came back to a flying Night.
“Wow, Night I see you're feeling better,” I said as I ducked my head as he flew overhead.
School was canceled do to a freak snow storm. It was near that time where I live to start getting snow. I think my mom believed Night more then my father, knowing the fact that she already knew him a bit from the story. My dad keep asking Night to let him feel his fur, I think my dad kept thinking he was dreaming.
“Dad, I assure you aren't dreaming,” I called as I laid the hay down for Night.
As Night was eating I was explaining thing for him, his past, family, magic, flight, and other things. I think my dad finally understood that Night was here to protect me and he can't get back home.
“Night do you want your own room,” I looked back, it was my dad that said it. Night and I just stood there smiling.
My dad went to one of the closets and cleaned it out. We then took an old mattress and laid it in there. I took an old cover and pillow and laid it on it, I also got an old lamp and put in there so he could read. The closet was near my room so if Night need something he could call me.
The next morning school was back in and my parents were a little scared about Night coming with me. When he teleported me to school he landed hard, I think he used most of his magic, at least he could go invisible. I was so cold frost began to form on my noise. After a bit Night snickered to himself.
You know for an alicorn Night is no where near Oped as people say he is. After a long talk, about 30 minutes I left to go home, but I was stopped. So close to the garage there stood the school's bullies. The smell of gasoline made me hack up a bit. The boys walk over as Night flew high, landing on a roof top looking down at me
“Well well well,” The voice came from behind as I turned I bumped into something larger then me. I looked up and there was the school bully and his little buds.
“I heard you had a new friend, but I don't see him,” He commented. Looking around trying to find my new 'friend'.
“He around here you just can't see him,” By this time I was shaking, I hoped Night had some magic in him. Hopefully something would happen, maybe he would have a magic surge of energy. I knew that if he did he would fall, due to no energy.
I turned and looked up on a building and I could see him waiting for the right moment. His wing flared up ready to fly in and save the day and maybe not pass out.
“Well if no one is around I guess it time for a nice punch,” As the words left his mouth I could hear Night jump down. His eyes looked like the one when he face Shining back in chapter four of the Fic.
“What do you think you are doing!” Night yelled. His horn started glowing. My heart stopped, if the boys could see him I would be dead.
The group looked all around trying to find where the voice came from. One of then even started walking away.
“W-w-who's there!” One of them screamed.
“Oh lets just say the son of chaos,” Night replied back. Night smiled, that smile he has always done before fighting anyone or pony.
The boys still came closer, one almost hit me with a punch. I fell back, it didn't hit me, but I knew if I stood they would hurt me. Night jump right into action he blasted one of them with all his magic that he had at the time, the boy went flying. The others scrambled after that. Night was so tired that I had to carry him home, but you think I could carry Night. I pick up his head and he was knocked OUT. I called my mom to come get me. As I laid Night in the truck she asked me what happen and what is he.
“Well first that freaking group of bullies caught me and Night off guard. They jumped me and Night saved me. He's not bad he's good,” I whispered trying not to wake the poor alicorn.
“And for what he is, he's an alicorn,” I commented as the car turned out of the lot.
I say the look on her face, it was so funny.
“An alicorn is” I was stopped, I turned back and Night was sitting up.
“An alicorn is a cross between a pegasus and an unicorn,” Night finished as he laid back down.
We got home and my dad was gone to town. I laid Night in his bed with a glass of water and some hay. I had to keep him really up bet. I know how hard it must be to have no power and to have no mother. Around 8:30 Night woke up and he came into my room when I was listening to some Daddy Discord by dBPony. He ask to listen to it and I let him, he seemed to like it.
When my dad got back he came in with some old baby monitor. I had a feeling he would put one in my room and the other in Night, so if he need me he could just call me. As we went to bed Night was wondering what happen to his bag that he had.
I just said. “Maybe it's somewhere else,”
Me and Night would look for it in the morning, but right now Night and I were so tired when we laid down we both didn't even tell each other good Night. Maybe now my parents will like Night, he can be really helpful.
The next day we went on a hunt for Night's bag, but to no avail.
“What was in that bag?” I asked.
“Oh just a book on magic that's all, I'm sure I can find it,” Night replied as we came home. Nothing really happen today, beside trying to find that book.
As I laid down Night came into my room.
“Night what is it?” I asked as I stood up.
“Can't I come in here where its warm?” Night asked jokingly. I looked at him, it was like 12 degrees out.
The room was lit, but barely. Night had to light his horn just to see where he was going. I was sitting there looking at some old photos of my dogs and an old friend that left me for dust over the Summer. The T.V was unplugged, I haven't turned it on in about three years, I have watched mostly Youtube Videos.
“Uh..sure, I guess,” I replied to him.
“Wolf, why did those boys come after you like that?” Night looked so confused as the words left his mouth. I could tell Night was worried about me. I think Night is thinking of me as Videyo, someone poor and helpless. Now I could fight, but I would loss fast.
"I don't know." I said trying to walk around the question, but sadly Night could pick up on my voice and tell I was lying. He looked at me with that 'I'm not dumb' look.
"Wolf, tell me I'm not dumb you know," Night said as he hopped up on the bed.
“Night, I'm bullied everyday,” I started crying. Night looked at me with a small smile forming.
Night look at me and crawled over. I could feel his hooves wrap around me, the warmth of his fur, and his wings wrap around me. I looked up and saw his green eyes, I think I saw a tear fall. Behind Night I could see my mother looking in, I think she began to cry.
“Caelan, I will always protect you, if you protect me,” The words left Night's mouth. I could feel a new power in Night.
“Night, thank you,” Me and Night turned, my father and mother were standing there, crying.
I didn't say anything, both of my parents came and we all hugged. That was the first time I've seen my father cry. Both of my parents knew that Night is my new 'pet', about a year back all three of my dogs died.
After my parents left Night laid down and I covered him up and he keep looking back, seeing if I was ok. I kept thinking, will Night really be my new friend and will he cause some chaos, cause I would love to see that. Night started crying.
“Night, is this about your mother?” I asked.
“No, its about how your life is so hard, I'm really sorry,” Night commented, looking back at me.
“Well Night no ponies life is perfect, not even yours right,” I replied as Night turned back.
“You're right, me and my father have fought two times now. My life isn't perfect, Night called back.
I hugged him, his crying slowed and we laid back down. Maybe one day Night and his father will get together and cause more chaos, I don't know if that will happen. I'm just waiting for Night to start cause chaos here.
3592760 good or bad
Sweet a knew chapter
3624763 WHY
3624899 Because you deleted my comment.
3625867 Well when I looked on your page I saw you hated Alicorn OCs
3626516 Perceptive, I like that.
3626664 well just know this not all Alicorn OC are OP
3626668
>has the ability to fly
>has the ability to use magic
>lives for long time because alicorn
>somebody's OC
I'm sorry, but that seems quite overpowered to me.
3626688 Just like everyone else, Night can't do any magic without Discord, yes he can fly, but come on at lest I made it without Discord he can't do any magic. he maybe the son of chaos, but that doesn't make him OP. GIVE ME F**KING CREDIT!
3626719 Well, I can give you some credit. There's not an ounce of red or yellow in your OC that would make him as bad as some of the OCs on this site. Still, alicorns do terribly on this site, btw.
3626726 I know that yes, just people see one and think he's OP. I made Night like that so he won't be OP, people need to read before Disliking.
3626731 How about this, I'll give you some more credit. Your spelling/formatting/grammar/ability to write is very, very good. I'm very impressed with your abilities to maintain a good looking text. And just for that, I'll redact my downvote into an upvote.
3626742 Thank you and I may not be a clop fan, but dang your writing is good.
3626745 Ďakujem mnohokrát.
3626742 And remember I'm co-writing with another author, go check him and read my other story
3626753 Gotcha
3626759 And plz do fav. fun backstory, When I came to FImfiction I couldn't write a story to save my life, I never did like reading/writing. Now I'm in a writing club at school, they have helped me get better and most of my friends brony or not.
3579172 There's your problem; that backstory is
INCREDIBLY
generic. Try making something a little more unique, bro.
is also
INCREDIBLY
generic. Don't forget to separate "may" and "be".
Also:
Yeah, that will totally convince us that he's not some retarded copy-paste OC with nothing unique about him. Totally.
3626973 ARE YOU DUMB, TRY READING, well at least people like my OC
So, I do like the idea of the story, as well as the premise of a non-OP Alicorn. Your spelling is great; very few to no mistakes. There also seems to be a decently thought-out storyline; props for that! There are however, many things that could be improved on.
Firstly, your sentence structure and a few grammar points could use some work. Some of your sentences feel like run-ons. Example:
That could perhaps be split into two, such as: "Mother opened the door and turned to her right. Standing there was the one pony I wanted her to see." There's also this, though I'm just being nitpicky:
Just trade that bolded 'to' for 'too' and you're golden! Just remember to keep things like that in mind. There are points in the story where you forget the 'ed' on a word. Perhaps the greatest mistake though is your use of periods in speech. Example (one of many):
To properly write periods into speech like that, you're supposed to use a comma, like so: " “Oh just a book on magic that's all, I'm sure I can find it,” Night replied as we came home." So far these have been critiques to help with readability. That said, I'm going to dive into a little constructive criticism now (because everyone hates being told bad things about their work without being told why).
I have a few gripes about the story pacing. Though there are well-paced parts, there are some parts that just feel rushed and therefore poorly done. Two examples that really caught my attention:
In the first one, there was no build, no emotional attachment, nothing. They went from joking to crying in a couple of sentences, with the crying just tacked on at the end, almost as an afterthought. I don't want to come off as rude, however you have to see what I'm talking about here! This happened at a scene change, where 'nothing interesting happened that day' and now we're in his room. If it's supposed to be a sad/emotional scene, make Wolf act down. Start by describing the room a little, maybe using things like 'lonely' 'quiet' 'a single dim lamp lit the room'. Make Wolf answer Night in a emotionless tone, such as to indirectly hint at a problem to start the ball rolling. Then maybe instead of flat out telling Night what's on his mind, have Wolf dodge it a little, with Night insisting to know till Wolf tells him.
For the second example, the bully cliche is a little too much. The bully says like two whole sentences and then goes to punch the kid! Details man, details! Add something that describes Wolf being blockaded into a corner of the building, with seemingly no escape. Describe Wolf's internal thoughts and emotions, and no blatant descriptions either; add some imagery. Blatant example: "I was so scared at that point." A little more descriptive: "The adrenaline that coursed through my veins caused my hands to shake and my knees to weaken. It was a 'Fight-or-Flight' situation, and I could do neither."
Other than those two, the story wasn't all that badly paced, and was decently written. Adding details will improve your writing; readers will be more immersed in your story. Outside? Describe the view, the sounds, the smells. In a cafeteria? The same applies. I don't want it to seem like I'm bashing your story, I really do see some potential, but you have to bring it out. I withhold my vote for now, but I will be watching this.
Cheers and Good Luck!
~Electrician~
P.S. I see the biggest complaint you seem to be receiving is 'your OC is OP hurrrr ' and nothing further. If I may suggest something, maybe sometime in the next few chapters, have a part that really shows Night's handicap (have him fail to do something important because he can't use magic, etc). Show them that the flaws you gave your character seriously hurt him in some aspects.
3640002 Oh you are a god, thank you. First person I have seen read the story and say Night isn't OP and I'm still looking at it trying to find problem. The next chapter will shock you more then anything. Thanks for telling me problems and a few ideas that I will use in the future.
PS:Read the other story that Night is in.