Pinkie Pie had no idea what to do. She just sat in her bed with Dash snoring. "Aww she's so cute when she sleeps," Pinkie thought. "I'm so glad that she had finally come out and said she loved me," Pinkie blushed. Pinkie started to think that she loved Dashie more than her parties. She giggled at the thought. "Of course I do, I love her with all my heart," she said. That's a lot of love Pinkie thought.
"Dashie," Pinkie said softly, "Dashie? Wake up," she said.
Rainbow opened one eye and smiled. Pinkie smiled back and began to kiss her. Rainbow had no time to react due to her sleepiness. Before she knew it Pinkie was invading her mouth with her tongue. Rainbow tried to fight back with hers but Pinkie didn't give up so easily. Finally they stopped for a breath. Rainbow Dash was so confused about Pinkie's sudden nature.
Rainbow got a look of her surroundings. She realized she was still in Pinkie's bed and it was still dark out.
"P-Pinkie how long was I asleep for?" Rainbow asked.
"An hour," Pinkie replied.
Rainbow was confused again. She didn't understand how she only slept for an hour when she felt like she was asleep for days. She did have to admit that it was the best sleep she ever got. Pinkie was still looking at her blushing. Rainbow realized she still had her outfit on.
"Pinkie I can take this off," Rainbow said.
"No Dashie you look cute in it," Pinkie said blushing.
Rainbow was very confused about why she didn't want her to take off her silly outfit. Then it hit her like a 500 pound boulder. Rainbow began to blush when she realized why she didn't want her to take it off. "Pinkie has been staring at my rump a lot," Rainbow thought, "now I know why."
"Dashie looks so... different," Pinkie thought, "but that's not a bad thing." As she said that she smiled, making her red cheeks slowly return to pink. Maybe if I had some advice on how to make a pegasi happy then this would be a lot less uncomfortable.
"Pinkie what are you thinking about?" Rainbow asked. Hoping that she wasn't thinking of going to bed.
"I-I was thinking about you of course," Pinkie said with a smile. She needed to get advice from Fluttershy, fast.
"Oh ok, what about me if I may ask?" Rainbow asked with a grin.
"Nothing naughty!" Pinkie blurted. Then she became very embarrassed. Realizing what she said, she closed her eyes waiting for Rainbow to say something. When nothing came she opened one eye carefully. She saw that Rainbow Dash was blushing and laughing at the same time. Pinkie's red cheeks returned.
"Aww Pinkie I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," Rainbow said sadly. She had not realized that both of them were very new to being with each other. She scolded herself for laughing but saw that Pinkie was not sad or mad. "She actually looked wait... shy?" Rainbow asked herself.
"Dashie I have no way to make you happy," Pinkie said sadly. Hoping Dash wouldn't break up with her or worse.
"Lets see you try," Rainbow said with a devious grin.
3562626 I agree.
This story is really fast paced and needs to slow the heck down! Explain a lot more! I would also suggest having more then 1,000 words per chapter. This is usually a huge turn off for readers and makes less people want to read the story (or even read it at all). Off to a good start, but there is still some improvements to make. Best of luck!
~ Michael
3565510
Yes I do realize I am in a shortage of words. I do realize now that if I do explain more then I wouldn't have this problem. Thank you very much for the comment.
3565673 There is room for improvement. But I still like the story, I'm just pointing out where I think can be improved.
~ Michael
3565691
Thank you for the tips as well as the correction sheet. I just never realized I was that bad.
3565784 Not bad, just lacking experience. You will get better with time. To be honest, you are doing really good for a first time writer.
~ Michael
3565893
Thank you. You have been a great help. I will take all your tips to heart as much as possible.
3565999 Welcome! It's always fun to help out. I'll point out more stuff as time goes on.
~ Michael
I will put out there that your writing in these more recent chapters is better than the first so you are showing quick improvement and perhaps not coincidentally your ratings seem to coincide with it (though remember that ratings don't tell the whole story I know great stories that lack a lot of thumbs up).
Keep on writing and you will get even better. One more food for thought though...
In many stories it isn't about the end location but the journey that is interesting. That is why we want you to slow down. We all know what sort of things that this story can end with (an dmake no mistake most of us want to see those endings even if they are used a lot) so what makes the story interesting is how you get there. Think about how to show the journey of their relationship and what they think, feel, and experience while on this trip.
It is like when you go on a road trip. Often the end place can be summed up in a few words but if the trip was fun you can go on and on about the conversations, sights, and just plain fun (singing Bohemian Rhapsody complete with head banging was CLASSIC for example) you can have can take hours.
I see that you trimmed down the dialogue from where it was in the previous chapters which I think is helpful I think.
3567871
I am currently writing chapter 5 at 1394 words. I took your advice I really honestly trimmed down the dialogue. Hope you enjoy!
I noticed that the unrated version is not on your profile, and there aren't any links. Willing to fix this?