- Member Since 30th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 20th, 2022
Grape Crush
I hear marshmellows don't grow on trees, how sad.
Grape Crush
Joined 30th Nov, 2013 ·
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May I ask (to the people who disliked) why you did not like it? I could try to fix it if you told me the problem. You must understand I am new to this.
Likely because there is a little too much dialogue (or monologue in some cases) for one. When almost an entire chapter is composed of one sentence verbalizations then it is likely you have too much in most cases.
Also I think this is going too fast and we are not getting into the heads of the characters which I think is related to the first problem. Dialogue tends to move the story along but often if you want to get into a character's thoughts something more introspective would help.
You need to slow down the story and really figure out what the conflicts are and how they will influence the characters. Some of the characters are a little bit off as well. I think Pinkie is a little too sad for just having a party washed out by rain (unless it was a really important party in which case it needs to be shown better why it is so important).
I love PinkieDash so the concept I like but it is still in the basic building blocks and I think you will find people want a little bit more than that. Granted if it is your first story then these are the things you can learn from writing this story.
3562626
I really appreciate your comment. Chapter 3 (I am writing this second) has much more thinking and not as much dialogue. I hope that I can bring you a great PinkieDash story if not then, I'm sorry.
3562653
If it is great wonderful. If not well you dust yourself off learn from it and write some more. Writing like most activities gets better with practice.
I also hope you realize that I am not saying eliminate dialogue just don't rely on it to carry the story full time.
What can be really difficult is getting into that character's head and figuring out what they would do rather than what you always want them to do or what you would do. Once you figure that out then many things will start to come together as well but it is easier said than done.
Good luck.
3562626 I agree.
This story is really fast paced and needs to slow the heck down! Explain a lot more! I would also suggest having more then 1,000 words per chapter. This is usually a huge turn off for readers and makes less people want to read the story (or even read it at all). Off to a good start, but there is still some improvements to make. Best of luck!
~ Michael
3565510
Yes I do realize I am in a shortage of words. I do realize now that if I do explain more then I wouldn't have this problem. Thank you very much for the comment.
3565673 There is room for improvement. But I still like the story, I'm just pointing out where I think can be improved.
~ Michael
3565691
Thank you for the tips as well as the correction sheet. I just never realized I was that bad.
3565784 Not bad, just lacking experience. You will get better with time. To be honest, you are doing really good for a first time writer.
~ Michael
3565893
Thank you. You have been a great help. I will take all your tips to heart as much as possible.
3565999 Welcome! It's always fun to help out. I'll point out more stuff as time goes on.
~ Michael
I will put out there that your writing in these more recent chapters is better than the first so you are showing quick improvement and perhaps not coincidentally your ratings seem to coincide with it (though remember that ratings don't tell the whole story I know great stories that lack a lot of thumbs up).
Keep on writing and you will get even better. One more food for thought though...
In many stories it isn't about the end location but the journey that is interesting. That is why we want you to slow down. We all know what sort of things that this story can end with (an dmake no mistake most of us want to see those endings even if they are used a lot) so what makes the story interesting is how you get there. Think about how to show the journey of their relationship and what they think, feel, and experience while on this trip.
It is like when you go on a road trip. Often the end place can be summed up in a few words but if the trip was fun you can go on and on about the conversations, sights, and just plain fun (singing Bohemian Rhapsody complete with head banging was CLASSIC for example) you can have can take hours.
I see that you trimmed down the dialogue from where it was in the previous chapters which I think is helpful I think.
3567871
I am currently writing chapter 5 at 1394 words. I took your advice I really honestly trimmed down the dialogue. Hope you enjoy!
Do continue please
I enjoyed
3782885
Maybe in a little while. I'm kinda busy with other stories.
Well at least at some point
3783524
Will do!
Well I trust you
Take all the time you need
Hey if you want in am never going to make a story of my own so if you want I have a title in my head and you can have it just mention me in the description the title is "a rainbow for you" all yours
3783783
Hmm, right now I'm trying to get my stories done. Maybe if I start a new one I'll use it. Thanks though!
3785366 well thanks
Thanks
3785415
Your welcome!
3785366 hey I might actually use me ok sorry
I inspired myself
3786826 the name
3786829
Great! I'll read it when you publish it!
3787125 cool might be awhile
3787280
!
No problem, i'll be on this website for a few years
3787343 well I will let you pre read it to know if it is good
Whenever that happens
3787354
Ok, cool!
I noticed that the unrated version is not on your profile, and there aren't any links. Willing to fix this?
4558444
Do you have "Mature" Settings turned on?
Gah its perfect!
I am the great and powerful Chett
I have spoken
Like the story
It Was All A Dream Cliche?
I'm Cool With That
Yay