This is a story where the Achievement Hunters are teleported into equetria. This is my first story please go easy it on it and please tell me what I can do to improve my writing. Twilight will not be a princess in this because, to be honest, I do not like the idea of Twilight being a princess. Also coltcuddling is in this story. For those who do not like coltcuddling, a warning will be placed before it in the part of the story that will contain it.
Page generated in 0.133 seconds
Total duration
888 users online
423,689 hits today, 1,960,719 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Well this will be interesting
3529220 I am modeling my story after this story http://www.fimfiction.net/story/44880/achievement-hunter-in-equestria if you would like to read something in the mean time while I write the next chapter
Okay, let's start with the basics first:
1)This story is REALLLY rushed. So much has happened in a single chapter, it makes me face-palm...... Please try to figure out what happens before publishing.
2) You need some serious paragraphs here. I would suggest getting a Proof-reader, or at the very least, go over your story/chapter before publishing it; as if polishing.
3) Dialogue can need some polishing.
I was wondering if you read the guide that was provided on the Story Creation page. It would help you out so much. It's very easy to get a piece of paper, and write down notes to make everything in the story pretty darn good. The story idea overall I guess is Mmkay. It has been done over and over again.
I'm neutral right now. I'll wait til further chapters.
Adding to Read Later List.
3529249 I had to rush it because I am going to my moms and I do not have a computer over there that works, so I wanted to publish this so I can get some advice on the story before I leave. Plus I've only seen one of these so far and It wasn't even finished and I wanted more so I'm making more.
3529412 There's the problem right there. And that's the reason why the story is negative to the public right now...
An author never, under any circumstances, rushes his story. It would have been better to wait until you came back, but whatever you think. I don't run your author-life. Just some tips 'n such. Hopefully you'll learn something next time you write a story.
This will be interesting I am look forward to more.
This is funny, so I would be happy to see more, but a few pieces of advice.
Next time don't rush it, even if you're going to your moms (random sidequest moms as in place or multiple?). Upload it, when you're back from it. It gives you more time to think about it and maybe even make some improvements.
This chapter is a mess,
so clean it up a bit and then put it up again. Especially the part, when it switches from Human to Pony... you forgot something to separate that. So a proofreader or a prereader might be a good idea. Clicky for group
I also have to agree with airin6ixxx, your dialogues need a little improvement, but that will come with time and pratice. So just continue writing and it will improve.
The last thing is don't let yourself be "too" inspirited by someone else's work. I haven't read that story, so I can't say how similar they are.
I hope this helps you in a way. If you need help, feel free to send my a pm.
3531361 I have to go to my moms every other week and my computer doesn't work nor the internet is friendly to my computer. I am not good with dialogue, I making this story to help me with my dialogue and to get advice on how to improve.
3533235
I can say from personal experience, being not the oldest, but also not the newest writer, that this is just the part, where practice is the only real way of improving. Most authors have a different style of this and it's not wise to adapt a style as a beginner (in my opinion).
3533520 One of the things I've learned from writing this is never ever have a goal of getting a certain amount done. Just let it come as it does and let the heart write.
Still needs some work but getting better
its good so far only suffering from minor grammer mistakes and short chapters
3549804 sorry for short chapters.
Loving the story. Please tell me you're still keeping this going.
3613065 yes I'm having to create the characters, plot, personalities of characters, and some other stuff. I'm going to try to write the new chapter next week.
I think the only person the ponies need to be concerned about is Ryan
3637464 maybe, depends on what happens this week and next week.
3637479 Yeah i do have something special in store for Ryan.
3637537
and maybe Michael. i think they don't take swearing very well. Or Geoff, who [probably] doesn't like ponies
3642301 trust me i have something special for all of them.
Team Same Voice, up to no good!
3647646 dont for get about team go fuck yourself
This is possibly the best idea for a story ever...of all time.
3656883 why thank you
3656930 Seriously this is good a little gramatical errors here and there but easily overlooked, this is gonna be great, can't wait for the mane six to show and meet the AH guys. Ohhhhh the pure unadulterated INSANITY that will occur
3656939 I'm sorry to say but chapter 5 will not be complete till after Christmas
3656958 Hey thats cool thats what? A week? I can wait. Go spend time with ya family get presents eat food and all that jazz, enjoy yourself. The internets will be here when ya get back.
3656961 well thank you and is your profile pic a ghost.
3656967 Your welcome
, And no it's Corvo Attano from Dishonored.
A sorta Bioshock-y stealth game.
3656974 I played Dishonored but i had to trade it in to get GTA 5. He looked like a ghost with his mask.
3656983 Yeah he does doesn't he
, I just found that pic on deviant art and it was just like speaking to my soul!
It was all like " Yo Kaleb I am an awesome picture you should make me your avatar for everything ever!" And I was all like "OK!
"
3656991 haha
3657011 So many ponies laughing in one comment
It's just like... Theres so many, they are impossible to hold So many rainbow dashes....
3657037 So do you want anything specific to happen in the story
3657064 Oh god the possibilities!
Hmm Micoo teaches Fluttershy how to be assertive with the POWER OF RAGE QUIT!
Geoff and Applejack drinking contest!
Rarity being smitten with Gavin's accent and Gavin as a result making her speak like him( including his made up words!)
Ray and pinkie sing and have a party or something( Perhaps during which they Blaze too hard?
)
And Jack hangs comes across Rarity who tries to tame his Beard( Ha that beard? It cant possibly be tamed!)
And finally Twilight and Ryan do....Smart people things or something
3657093 well I could do that in another story. That would be fun, but I have something very special in store for the six, for there bounds are broken.
3657161Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So mysterious
Al most as mysterious as whats inside a Mystery flavored Dum Dum Lollipop!
What is Inside!? Nobody knows
3657181 Trust me everpony will love what is instore.
3657195 I patiently Await
3657202 Hey what would you say if pewdiepie was teleported into equestria.
3657213 Oh God I could literally give you a stories worth of ideas!
3657221 Well that will be my 3rd story.
3657224 YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
3529249 I have now released more chapters and I would like to know if I am doing better and what you think so far.
Why is this in The Coltcuddlers/M/M Shipping groups?
3738270 Because Scooty and Rage are a gay couple. Both are male and they do love each other.
Hey there! Timber, here. Don't mind the username/avatar change, its more than likely temporary. If not, I'll still be fairly easy to find.
In any case, on to the revisions:
The first half should all be one sentence, the majority of the periods are unnecessary. There are only a handful of grammar and vocabulary errors, though. Try replacing the passage with this:
The phrasing here is somewhat awkward. There's also the matter of referring to Rage as "the bright green pony." This is something known here on this site as "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome." I can understand why you decided to do it, but it's unnecessary fluff that only serves to briefly disconnect the readers from your story. We only need to be told that he's bright green during introductory description. Beyond that, try to call him by his name as often as possible.
Once again, awkward phrasing. I know you're trying to be dramatic, but this is kind of overdoing it.
Again, awkward phrasing. No drastic changes this time, though.
You seem to be using "pegasus" as a plural here. "Pegasus," however, is singular. "Pegasi" would be the proper plural form of the term.
This sentence needs commas. Aside from that, you briefly shifted from writing in the past tense, to writing in the present tense. Either is fine, but you have to be consistent. When you shift between tenses in that manner, it's incredibly jarring for your readers. Try to watch out for that in the future.
I can see that this is a work in progress, so I'll stop here. Consider the errors above when you continue writing, and feel free to contact me once you've finished the chapter.
why is Celestia such a bitch? and when is the next chapter coming
Yo, just to say, Geoff's stated he doesn't want his daughter involved in fan fictions. It's not too well known, but it has been stated. Maybe you could at least edit her name out?