Scared and unable to think straight, she woke up Spike from his slumber.
"What... mommy?" he said, half-asleep but after seeing Twilight, his eyes opened wide. "You're not mommy." He rolled to the side of his bed and covered himself in the blanket again.
"Spike, I need you help!" said Twilight, in an effort to get him out of his bed.
"My help?" he asked, apparently still angry after yesterday. "When were you when I needed yours?"
"Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, but you know me and my books." she replied, trying to calm him down. "I just don't know where to stop. That's why I have you." Spike pretended he didn't hear her but eventually got out of bed and they shared a hug.
"But I won't be your assistant forever, I-" he said, but was cut off by Twilight.
"have a crush on Rarity?" she said with a smile. "Oh come on, Spike. I already know that." Spike blushed and smiled.
"So.. what do you need help with?" he asked. Something akin to an explosion happened inside Twilight's head and she immediately remember why she woke him up. It drove her completely crazy and speechless, so instead of telling him what happened, she grabbed him using her magic and ran downstairs. Spike immediately noticed what was wrong but only after a small piece of wood fell on his head he noticed that there's a fiery hole in the ceiling.
"Ow... what... what happened?" he asked, unable to comprehend what he saw. "Twilight, what did you do?"
"I... I did something I wasn't supposed to!" she said, running amok. "She lied to me, SHE LIED TO ME!!!" Spike waited a couple of minutes before instantly calming her down with another hug.
"Calm down." he said. "Now, tell me what happened. Slowly." One does not simple get "fixed" after a mental breakdown and Twilight was the perfect example of someone trying and failing.
"I had a dream. A mare in the dream convinced me that she's trapped in the book and I agreed to help her." she said, somehow calmed down. "I did as she told me, used the spells to summon her but..."
"What happened after that?" asked Spike, worried that Twilight did something very wrong. "Hmm?"
"She lied to me... She wasn't an innocent trapped in the book." said Twilight. "She was a demon. The book was her prison and I sent her free..." Spike's heart stopped after she made the last sentance.
"What now, WHAT NOW WHAT NOW WHAT NOW?!" shouted Twilight, once again losing her mind. Spike kept his presence of mind and begun writing a letter to Celestia herself and soon after sending it, the Princess herself flew down into the library through the hole the demon had created.
"Twilight, is this-?" she asked. Twilight, who was running around like a scared chicken stopped and didn't say a word. "Did this really happen?"
"Y-yes..." stuttered Twilight and lowered her head in shame. A concerned look appeared on Celestia's face, as she was worried about her student.
"Spike sent a letter to me that said how it happened," said the Princess, softly lifting Twilight's head with her hoove. "but I want to hear it from you."
"A mare appeared in my dream and convinced me to free her." said Twilight, tears rolling down her cheeks since she knew would be punished. "I did as I was told but the mare was a demon in disguise. She tricked me."
"A demon?" asked the Princess. "In a book?" She looked around and saw the very book Twilight used. She recognised it and the book did too, since she had no problem handling it with her magic.
"My old spellbook..." she said. "I though it was long lost."
"You... you used a spellbook?" asked Twilight, curious as to why someone as gifted in magic would neen one.
"It was a backup plan in case the Elements of Harmony would fail against Discord." she lectured her and turned the pages of the book once again to the summoning spell. "This demon, the same one you released, cannot be stopped by conventional means. That is why I though it would work agaings the draconequus."
"How can it be banished or defeated then?" asked Twilight.
"A bond with a demon can be broken, but the chains on both the caster and the summoned remain." said the Princess, pointing to Twilight's left front hoove. "In other words, they can be rejuvenated and that is the only way a demon can be banished. However, a special object is required for this procedure and acquiring it is almost impossible."
"I'll do it." Twilight responded, knowing that she was the one who was responsible for the whole situation.
"Have you lost your mind?!" said Spike, not believing she volunteered on something that sounded like a one-way trip.
"I'll be fine Spike, I promise." replied Twilight and smiled at him.
"Very well." said the Princess. "I can take you there right away, but there's no guarantee you'll get back. Not even I can safely travel through that place. Be careful, Twilight."
"I have to do it. If I won't, who will?" said Twilight and the Princess started casting a spell that lifted her off the ground.
"Of all the promises, please keep this one. Please..." Spike said worryingly and she disappeared.
One review as requested.
Grammar score: 6.5 out of 10
Smaller errors:11
Larger mistakes:0
You had some misused words, missing commas, and improperly capitalized words.
Altogether, mostly readable.
Plot:
I like it.
Pacing:
Here's where we get into the main problem of the story. The pacing. This story is rushed. You need to basically, take your story and add about a thousand words of details and dialogue to it. As well as a chapter before the first chapter that shows her finding the book. Maybe even a chapter that shows the failed spell with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash (I want to see that). As it is, it feels like I'm starting a chapter in to the story with only a few sentences to go on. Also, Twilight's decision making process is really... bad (for a lack of a better word). She is a logical pony, but how you wrote her deciding is very non-logical.
Overall: 6 out of 10
You have improved with the details. I approve. This story is much better than the last one (in my opinion anyway).
Note: Don't say "I drew the cover art myself" in the short story description. It sounds silly. And in the long description, put it in quotes and call it an Author's Note like so:
It looks better.
3573400 Thanks for the review. Like always, let me point out a few things.
1. The prequel chapter is actually a separate story called Tria Carmina Inverta which Living Flame (originally called Inferno) was based on. The reason I didn't include it? Gender-swap, panic and singing. Certainly not something worth reading (or at least in my opinion.)
2. The rushed feel... Hmm. Well, i'll be honest by saying that this is just a heavily trimmed version of an unsuccesful story. I'll improve it
As for the previous story you reviewed, I managed to make it quite better.
3573417
Gender swap? Panic?
Singing?Why wouldn't you add that? If done right it could add just what is needed. And show Twilight finding the book in a secret part of the library or something. That would really fill out the beginning and lead us up into the first chapter.3573436 Very well. It shall be done. I'll start right away Also expect Hell