Lucky424
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From the description, I'm thinking Gentleman for Mares.
3512477 Similar, yeah, but different as well. I knew that connection would be made, which is why I made sure to clarify it in both descriptions.
3512495 Give me ten minutes so I can work on the Brewing Storm, then I'll come tear this to bits for you.
3512503 Have fun!
Wait, what just happened?
3512567 An 'adult' party. Or was it something else?
Damn, you're just jumping right in, ain't ya?
Never begin a sentence with "and". Motherfucker.
I had no idea the anus was sensitive enough to determine material through touch.
Multiple errors here: the beginning should be "If she minded, she didn't say anything" and it should say "She and Rarity began to work faster" to avoid confusion.
You started another sentence with and. Also, human penises don't really flare, so much as the glans expands slightly when the pelvic floor muscles contract in orgasm (Or, you know, when you contract them while erect to see what happens), but enough about the evolutionary function of the human penis. Unless, of course, the main character because an anthro pony... again.
Something about this irks me, and I have no idea why.
3512637 Yes I am just jumping right in.
I was taught that you never start a paragraph with 'and', but a sentence is allowed.
Most of them are made from a form of rubber or silicone, and it is more than likely they only have rubber to use, so that is what she has.
Hmm, I'll change those bits when I've had some sleep. And no, he's going to stay human this time. And he didn't stay anthro, making the transformation to full pony just before the epilogue.
That last bit... sorry, can't help you there.
You misused ellipses.
"an orgasm"
Another self-insert?
Right, more of a nit-picking thing than anything else, but when Stephen King pulled something like this, I threw the book across the room. Odds are the common reader doesn't care about the workings of an airsoft grenade, so telling them how many pellets it fires isn't appealing, and in some cases, downright off-putting.
Do you mean to tell me that ponies don't understand the concept of ranged weaponry? Because it seems like something any civilization figures out at some point or another, usually after building a granary, if Civ V is anything to go by.
Cadence didn't restrain his weapon? Shining Armor took a hit to a sensitive part of the body without swearing?
This line made me consider suicide as a viable career choice, if only because of how overdone the concept is. It opens up a lot of overdone conversations, maybe an existential crisis or two, then gets swept under the rug like everyone is fine with it. Personally, if I found out I was in some Truman Show style program, I would flip my shit.
That shit gets peoples' heads cut off.
I couldnt read the first sentence without having to look at a mirror to question my life as to how I got here.
3512736 Okay, let's begin. 1)
Even though it may seem like it, I just used that scenario to get him there. I never explicitly said it was a self insert, so it's up to the readers to make up their minds.
2), 3) & 4)
At that range, it hurts like a bitch with one shot, so telling you how many went off shows how much that will hurt. Yes, they know of ranged weaponry, but not like this. not this time around. Hence why the guards are armed with spears and swords. Cadence had never seen anything like him, so wouldn't know that it's not a 'part' of him.
5) That line... that's just him being sarcastic/cheeky.
6)
Maybe on our world, but not in their's.
3514212 I wish I could tell you. I'm guessing that's a no to this story from you then?
Not perfect... work in progress...
It has potential. We`ll see.
3512477 3512495
I must respectfully disagree.
3514407 I know, that was just for mares. This isn't, but I knew someone would make that connection.
3514415
That's not the only difference. I know it's a bit unfair to compare you to this, since you've just started out, but Gentlemen for Mares has a such a wealth of worldbuilding and story that makes it so much more than simply "men who are contracted to sleep with ponies". In fact, that aspect is only a relatively small part of that world.
3514421 Got you. Well, this is six months after he arrived. We will be seeing his interactions with the ponies in a series of flashbacks, the main six being the first few chapters. Like he said when talking to Tasnim, he did have another job, so we will be seeing that as well.
Very good. *nods* I like this.
3515476 Then my job here is... well, it's not done yet... but it works so far!
Next chapter (hopefully) in a few hours.
3515478 Good. I'm squirming just waiting to see who our nameless hero ends up with next......
3515481 You won't even see it coming as to who! But his chat (not with the main six
) comes first.
3515520 *nods* I wanna see him with Chrysalis
3515526 Maybe at some point... think she is one of the recurring characters throughout my stories that I haven't written a clop scene with... yet.
3515537 Yes...... *nods* You must write a Chrysalis clop scene...... the Queen demands it!
3515580 Well... plenty of holes to chose from!
3515588 *snickers* Yes, yes there is.....
. . .
3518391 What?
3518492
... . . .
That's a heck of a pony if you ask me...
~Unseen
No you didn't just..... WANT MORE. It just got very interesting (not that it wasn't already but the ending.... ooooooo)
This may be assault.
"I hope you are are not"? It should be "I hope you ain't".
This contraction does not seem intentional, and unnatural. I cannot envision someone saying this.
Congrats, you've found a word that stumped me! Shandy, noun, beer mixed with a nonalcoholic drink, most typically lemonade. Also this seems strange; I get that limiting their intake will prevent any unpleasant side-effects the next morning, but I was raised under the rule that if one drinks, one drinks as much as one wishes, and faces the consequences if they are underage. Over 21 but still living at home? Stay home. Underage and in school? Guess who's going to class. The system encourages moderation and self-discipline, because teachers around here look for hungover kids to torment.
I think you dropped a "with" there.
Bag, unless this guys eats books.
Should be a semicolon after the miss.
If I'm reading this correctly, there should be ellipses after the miss to indicate he held the word in an attempt to get her to reveal her name.
Fluff? Unless this guy is twelve or something, scruff seems a bit better, or he has the thinnest facial hair I have ever seen on a man.
Pussy.
Fur on the inside of the hand? That seems like it'd get messy very quickly.
The only time my brother and I mention sex around one another is when I'm trying to embarrass him, so this seems very strange, because I don't think either of us want to here about who the other happens to be fucking.
What is this supposed to be?
We talking evasion or misrepresentation here?
I'm not sure if he means he himself would keep Durex in business, or the whole of Equestria, because even as hyperbole, this seems like an enormous stretch. Do you have any idea how much money Durex makes a week? How about in a day?
So she bit, albeit gently, into his penis, which had a condom wrapped around it. A light bite won't damage a penis, but that latex barrier is more fragile than most people believe.
Ignoring that "millennium" has two n's, that is amazingly recent on an evolutionary timeline, and what's more, it's a change that can be definitely measured. I have no idea if you're aware of this, but a sapient species recording a change in their species is fucking incredible, and there's no other word I can think of that describes it. You know what changed about humans in the past 1500 years? We got taller and developed the ability to read silently, and ponies got a more efficient reproductive cycle.
Chryssy?
3521826 They know who he is, and what he does. This is why they were staring at him.
Fixed.
They're not living at home, and are in a bar. Plus they're only sixteen, so not legally allowed to drink full alcohol, whereas shandy is normally accepted over here.
I based it on the rate at which my own hair grows, which isn't that fast.
The [he] is supposed to be a
. No idea what kind of tax swindling, just knew he got arrested. I know they are, but her teeth were at his base when she did that. Not so much as recorded the specific change, but noted that things with the mares started getting different. And that Durex bit was just a joke.
3521323 Who?
3521519 Yes. Yes I did.
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/9400_54be.gif?1322354054
3522428 ...maybe.
3521826 Oh, and I've never used a cutthroat razor, and would probably kill myself if I tired to.
Also, it does specifically state that she felt his chin with the back of her hand, not her palm.
Also
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/11/22/478605__safe_queen+chrysalis_drink_wine_artist-colon-datponypl_it+begins.png
3522841
Little Miss Rarity.
I wish I had those looks...
~Unseen
Tis a tale so wonderful
Tis a tale so wonderful
At least it didn't jump straight into the sex, until about 3 - 10 Minutes of reading, but good
3535365 The next few chapters follow that theme, being him meeting the mane six and the sex coming afterwards.
Only one pony had sex with him the first time... and she might be after this one.
the within 10 seconds of reading, porn REALLY RUSTLES MY JIMMIES #Jimmies
3545391 Well, it is a clop fic. What else did you seriuosly expect?
This is going to get even more interesting...
~Unseen
&
~Mender
3546210 My editor has buggered off to a concert tonight, so I should have two chapters up tomorrow.
So... last thee of the mane six....
...which one should be last? I have an idea for all, so it won't be too long between chapters.
3546242
Maybe RD should be last, because she seems to be the type to go for multiple rounds, but that is just our opinion.With Pinkie you can be very creative with what you choose to make of her chapter. If you were to choose Aj you could find an interesting setting for it to all go down, like: The barn loft or the CMC Treehouse.
Other than that you can do what you want.
~Unseen
&
~Mender
3546263 AJ will be in the barn, yes.
And a slight teaser, the title for Rainbow's chapter? A Dash Of Cleaning
3546270
Sounds like a good title to me... So many thoughts.
~Unseen
&
~Mender
PS: Stay out of ma' shed..
{Get the reference?}
I think I'd have rather seen him do Twilight in her librarian outfit.
Also, why not do the Crusaders? He's weird.
3564165 Just wait... he has some fun with them!! And who says he hasn't?
The bar scenes are a good few months after the others.
3564172
Good to know. And I do enjoy the story. Can't wait to see what happens next.
But...the Kinky Shy link isn't loading.