Yo, the name's Wind. I'm just someone looking for a place in the world. I also write stories about adventures I've heard or been on from time to time.
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We all know the story of how Sunset Shimmer left Equestria and went to the human world. But what if that didn't happen? What if the mirror that Sunset took didn't lead to the Equestria Girls universe, but the world of Remnant? How would Sunset's life take a different turn? Well, just read and find out.
(Rewrite of the original Sunset Huntress)
(Crossover between this Story, The Beacon's Tempest, and Kamen Rider Arms)
(12/29/2016) This story got featured! Thank you all!
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A Kamen Rider Ghost, RWBY and MLP crossover and I am loving it
Interesting reboot. Now for the constructive criticism.
Pretty good overall with the new direction. There are a couple grammar mistakes here and there (but what story doesn't have a few of those), and you could probably do with expanding a few areas, especially after they leave Ozpin (That section comes across as a bit "Chatty" and I ended up skimming over most of it). As they say: Show, don't Tell, and while you aren't really "telling" you could probably do with a little more "showing" overall.
I have to say the old version was better and more believable. If one of the other comments are true and you are adding Kamen Rider Ghost to the mix I guess that would explain the Eyecons and Gauntlet, but IDK why you would need another crossover world.
Sadly I will not be reading this one anymore, but best of luck all the same.
6769598 Sony about the rewrite, I just wanted the story to be more in my comfort zone. In case your wondering, I could not think of anything else to write for the original.
Wow this went a completely different direction, but Ill stay to see how this goes, good luck.
Well the rewriteIs certainly look better than the previously. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Very nice intro, good work.
Can we get a Saitama Eyecon? Or Gurren Lagann? Either would be cool (though perhaps a little OP).
I'm kind of mixed on this. On the one hand, it kind of stands on its own, but my mind keeps going back to what the story was before. I haven't given it a readthrough in a while, so nostalgia glasses may be clouding my vision a bit. With that, let's get started.
The opening wasn't too bad. Sunset leaves, ends up in Remnant, etc.
I rather enjoyed seeing Sunset develop over the course of the story before, so it's a bit weird to see a large timeskip. Those that read the old story could assume similar events happened, but actually seeing her go from a top student in one world to a struggling Huntress and persecuted Faunus in another let us see her change and develop.
The timeline for when this takes place is interesting. Right before Volume 2 I take it? It leaves me a bit curious who Sunset has connections with in Vale. Considering her former position, she should be familiar with Blake. Speaking of which, can't wait to see the cat-girl's reaction when a former White Fang commander starts attending classes alongside her.
I really like the name Flare, so I'm kind of disappointed Sunset dropped the name as soon as she was in the school. If nothing else, it could've been used in a team name if you needed an F instead of an S.
Considering Beacon is supposed to be a prestigious, hard to get in, school, it really has unconventional recruiting methods. I mean, in a single class, there's a former White Fang member, someone who forged his entrance papers, and a weapons expert who got in two years early without an application. On the other hand, Ozpin probably sees something in Sunset. Either unusual potential or something he'd rather have a close eye on. Probably the later.
Storm could be an interesting character.
As for teams, I'm assuming this is just before second semester starts. Now most schools start in the Fall and end in the Summer. How about Beacon has an entrance exam every term for new students? That way, Ozpin wouldn't need to make a lame excuse why a couple new students are joining mid year.
Storm having a house feels a little unnecessary, considering Beacon has dorms. Ozpin could have just set her up with a room. On the other hand, students from other schools are about to arrive for the Vytal festival, so the guest dorms could be booked I guess. Or perhaps Ozpin simply wants to isolate the unknown variable until he knows what to do with her. Anyways, I wonder if the fact it was gifted specifically to her means anything? Her family could've just had a summer home, or she's staying with a friend, Hopefully it's not just a throwaway excuse for the location.
Lastly, I'm a bit mixed on Sunset's weapon. I didn't get the reference, but apparently it's another crossover detail. Hopefully, it's something that'll be natural in Remnant, but I'll reserve judgement for now.
Overall, I was skeptical the first time I read this, but I warmed up to it a bit when I skimmed it for the purpose of this review. Keep up the good work.
6774079 I thank you for your criticism and I hope to improve the story. Speaking of which, there are a few things in your review I would like to address.
1. I'm not going to drop the name Flare. After all, don't you think commanders have code names they would use?
2. Ozpin accepted Sunset both to keep a close eye on her and because he sees a part of his past in her. If your wondering what I mean by that, authors secret.
3. While Beacon does have dorms, remember that Storm and Sunset are joining in the middle of the school year, so they don't have a dorm assigned to them. Not only that, but there may be a reason that I had the go to Storm's house.
4. Storm is actually a bit of a nod to my other RWBY OC. The house is something the have similar in their backstories.
5. Sunset does have a preferred melee and ranged weapon, but I plan on having her weapon be something that fits in with Remnant, yet is something unique to her.
That's all I have to comment on, later.
Yaaaay it's back
So Demon Sunset is inside her head and wants out...
Nice chapter, good work.
Hm curious.
Interesting. Those "Eyecons" have the cutie marks of the four princesses and Sunset. Pacing seems a little rushed to me, but I'll keep reading. I love RWBY, and this interests me.
7236293 Hey, it was the first chapter.
7236162 About what?
7236941 sorry I meant interesting (dunno why I wrote curious) but I'm talking about this group of people that are folowing sunset, especially with what they were talking about before when they were spying on sunset about her having some special entity within her.
7237208 Oh, in that case, I won't say much, except for these three things.
1. The entity inside Sunset may seem like a bad thing, but it relates to her past and the power Storm felt.
2. One of the groups watching Sunset, Jenifer's group, are students in Beacon. (And may have some special powers that come from another universe)
3. There are two groups watching Sunset, Jenifer's group and the hooded figure's group. (I won't say what each group's intentions are, I'll leave that up to you to speculate)
An interesting story. However, I am interested to see how the interactions between Blake and Sunset go seeing as they were both in the White Fang and might know each other.
7237450 Oh, I have plans for that already.
I saw quite a few instances of Jennifer's name being spelled with only a single N. Fix?
7238094 Thanks for the heads up. I actually didn't notice that myself.
7238097 You're welcome. I'm looking forward to seeing where you'll take them in your story.
It's Jennifer, not Jenifer. You're missing the second N again. Or you are getting the second N and you're forgetting the first one.
7329113 I'm working on it right now. Edit: Fixed
While a nice chapter and a decent opener there are a lot of problems. Glynda blindingly trusting the word of a child and an absolute stranger and letting her attend Beacon on the spot is not really that believable. Sunset's story is flimsy at best and the notion of her suddenly having a peaceful side kicking in for no reason is completely unbelievable, maybe add that she had seen the more gruesome side of things and that was something she didn't sign up for. Plus I don't know why but the writing seems stilted and doesn't flow real well. It was fun to read though and I like where your taking this but it needs at worst some alterations to some scenes and additions to conversations, and some polishing on the flow of the dialogue. Other than that it's awesome.
Why are you rewriting the story?
And to think all it took to make her want friends was being stranded in a extremely dangerous world filled with monsters...
7380808 Remember, they do like each other.
7380837
You got a point.
So, correction: And to think all it took to make her want friends was being stranded in a extremely dangerous world filled with monsters...
and have a crush.
I have a sneaking suspicion or two about that group of four. Also, a point on punctuation: if a character is speaking and has multiple consecutive paragraphs of speech, only the last one has the closing quote. Sunset's story of her time in the White Fang needs the closing quotes on the first four paragraphs removed.
Aside from that, the chapter was kind of filler, but it wasn't bad either.
7434099 I didn't know that, thanks for letting me know.
An excellent setup chapter for events in another chapter. I await the next installment.
This is a crossover of RVBW, right?
I know there's no romance tag, but will there be any?
7700761 Probably
7700838 That squirtles my jiggypuffs
Why haven't you responded to any of my comments? Did I make you mad somehow? Whatever I did, I'm sorry!
7736944 No, I just like to see what people are saying. I usually don't respond unless it's criticism.
I find the lack of comments disturbing. I must promote this fic a bit.
7739222 I would appreciate it
Great chapter. I look forward to when Sunset and Blake have their reunion.
And during the food fight, HNSN just sat at their table, casually catching and deflecting the flying food and talking about stuff like it was just another Tuesday.
I must write this idea out. TO THE GDOCS!
7594687 Yes it is.
It's alive! And no details on the Zyuoh Final that stunned and damged that rabid ursa twice? For shame.
8124728 There is actually a reason for that, and it will be in the next chapter.
8124733 I am pleased by that bit of info. I am also pleased to have comment #47 on this fic for no particular reason.
Back from ze dead! Huzzah! My necromancy has worked on something that was never really alive in the first place.
And the Ho-oh Damashii will have a secret to its power: the Gigant form. Dual swords, solar panel wings, rocket feet, oh it's awesome.
Who is Shade, and where did Storm go?