Ok so this IS my first story EVER. So please I understand its not the best, but we all have to start somewhere. Chapter 2 "A Night To Remember" will be posted soon.
As Applejack ran down the dusty trail in Whitetail Woods she knew Rainbow Dash wasn't to far behind her. She was really tired on the inside and was panting heavily but had no intentions of slowing down. She was fully determined to win this race!
"Your gonna have to do better than that sugarcube if you wanna stand a chance against me!", Applejack shouted behind her.
"Oh please! I'm going to crush you! When we get to the end, I'm going to go all out why your all tired and totally beat you! I mean it worked with Twilight in the running of the leaves so who knows? Maybe that egghead does have some skill!", Dash shouted from behind.
Rainbow quickly caught up to Applejack. The two ponies were officially neck and neck closing in on the finish line that they had established was a special looking tree at the end of the path. It was close but then-!
"WOOAAHH!!", Applejack shouted as she crashed to the ground. "Hey Rainbow! You tripped me!"
"Yeah well, you never said we had to play fair this time.", the Pegasus said. "And besides, its not like this is an official race. Its all in good fun right?". Rainbow walked over and patted Applejack on the head. "Perhaps next time you'll take home the gold." She put out her hoof to help her friend up.
Applejack just smacked her hoof out of the way and got up herself. "Now listen here Rainbow!", she exclaimed. "I've had just about enough of this here cheatin thing you've been doin lately! Its got to stop or I'm not gonna do anything with you anymore!". Applejack was extremely frustrated with her Pegasus friend.
"Look, Applejack, please don't be mad ok? I'm really sorry about this and...I honestly feel really bad about it. Look I would love to make it up to you by taking you to dinner. Huh, whaddya say?", she said doing her 'i'm so innocent look'.
"Dinner. Seriously? Rainbow that sounds a little funny..."
"Oh come ON Applejack! I'm trying to be nice here!"
"Well Rainbow...alright then. Thank you kindly for your hospitality I guess..."
"Oh well have a great time, I Pinkie promise! Can we go now? I've worked up quite the appetite after that big race and all."
"Well now that I'm thinkin about it...I plum tuckered out and might hungry too. What place did you have in mind?"
"How about the cafe? Twilight told me they have the best daisy sandwiches there!"
"Well alright then Rainbow. Lets go."
The two friends walked off together back to Ponyville. Not realizing what they were getting themselves into.
Gather 'round, everypony. It's time for an Inky Lecture™!
The first thing I need to point out is that you have committed the Original Sin of Fic Posting. "THIS IS MY FIRST U GUYZ, LOL" is a big No-No (and also the easiest way to get Inky'd on). And after reading your writing and coming to the conclusion that you, unlike so many foals on here, are ACTUALLY capable of good writing and intelligence and not just shitting a fic onto the site, I have to relate my feelings with the following picture:
images.t-nation.com/forum_images/7/c/7c375_ORIG-goofy_son_i_am_disappoint.jpg
It pains me to see good people do stupid things, you see... which is why the committing of the Secondary Sin of Fic Posting irks me so. You do not, do not, do not post ANYTHING under 1,000 words. Never, never, never waste someone's time like that - it's like having one track of "Happy Birthday" on a cd when everyone else is making full-length albums.
Finally, the writing itself: lacking. You have potential, dude - I can see it. But more training and research is required to understand how writing properly works. I want you to haul ass off of this site and pick up some actual published novels. Observe how they begin, how things are phrased, how scenes are set. Take note of the lengths of sentences.
If you can't grab a physical novel right now or cannot quell your pony boner, then at least find some of the fics we have in the Celestia Tier - the ones that have kicked all the flanks and scored all the faves.
Imma start off with... What's the background? There is no mention on WHY they are running? Also if they are in a race (albeit a for fun one) you would think that they would finish it! Also... I feel no sense of direction... I mean, trust me, you can write a damn good story without knowing where you go. But you still need to transition it. Smooth and steady. No one likes Lag, just derails the story. Just might wanna start off with something else... you know "As Applejack..." Uh.... howzabout wording it better... like.:
""Her breath was sharp and straining for air with each step she took. The wind kept her mane swept back as she ran ever Harder to keep ahead of her friend, whom she knew was right behind her. Feeling herself break free, Applejack risked a jab towards Rainbow Dash.
"C'mon sugar! Ya know that in order to win, you have to first catch up to me!" Applejack boomed back towards Rainbow. So confident in her stamina that she never thought twice that the pegasus pony was rapidly gaining, shouting back.""
I mean, something like that? To me, what you wrote sounds like a 13 year old kid wrote this. Even though this is just a Fanfiction... It is a story. And stories are held to a higher light than most other medias... because you have no special effects to help you out.
Please don't take my criticisms the wrong way. You have potential, that much is assured. Just keep practicing. Try writing different things... I myself can't really do the happy romantic stuff... at least, I don't think I am good at that. I know that I am good at writing really disturbing/war/sad/stories of loss. Just easier to find that emotion for me, and to transfer it to paper.
Remember. People need to connect with the characters. KEEP TRYING!!!