Reason Number Five
Sweetie Belle's eyes were getting more closed by the second, though the rest of the world had been going in slow motion. She decided to think about good things about herself.
I'm good at singing. I have the third best grade in Miss Cheerilee's class; right after Twist and Silver Spoon. I have never been mean to Silver Spoon even though she was mean to me. Mommy and Daddy and Rarity all love me a lot. I care about Scootaloo and Apple Bloom more than myself. I am going to die to save their lives. Then she realized what she had just thought to herself. I am going to die to save their lives. Then she remembered...
...
"Let. Us. Go!" Scootaloo screamed angrily as she tried to buck the creature. He had tied them up and the three crusaders were now against a wall.
"Eenie, meanie, miney, moe. Who will stay and who will go?" The creature grumbled. "One must give her life for the rest. Just one, but she must be the best."
"Wh- What do you mean?" asked Sweetie Belle as she quivered with fear.
"Two of you I will release, but the other one must be deceased." His voice was as foul as the words he spoke. It was deep and scratchy, and it sounded more like a deep growl.
"So, if one of us stays, you will let the others go?" Apple Bloom asked as she looked up at the towering being.
"You are correct my little pony, dear. Are you the one who will stay here?"
...
Sweetie Belle couldn't remember the rest. She didn't even know how they got to be tied up. She didn't have much longer to figure it out, though. Her eyelids were getting heavier.
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cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDIvMjQvMjNfNDBfMzhfNzc4XzI1NDQzNV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfZ2xhc3Nlc18zMF9taW51dGVfYXJ0X2NoYWxsZW5nZV90d2lzdC5wbmcucG5nIl0sWyJwIiwidGh1bWIiLCIyNTB4MjUwIl1d/254435__safe_glasses_30-minute-art-challenge_twist_best-pony.png.png
Time for a plot twist.
3479076
lol!
3479076
nope
nothing can compete to this
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/11/11/470411__safe_solo_animated_sweetie+belle_diasweetes_the+show+stoppers.gif
or evil belle
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/11/11/470517__safe_solo_sweetie+belle_color+edit.jpeg
Your chapters are barely a paragraph or two. Why did you possibly think that was acceptable for a story? It barely qualifies as a 'thought' at that length.
Sorry to be mean, but I cannot actually critique this because there is nothing there.
-Lumino
3479111
that's fine. it's just your opinion. also, that was kind of the point.
3479115
Except ALL of your stories have the same problem. And if this is the first time someone has drawn attention to it, I consider it the fault of the fandom for failing you. It takes time for a reader to get absorbed into a chapter. If your chapters are routinely less the at least one or two thousand words, you are not going to hold attention.
If you wish to improve as a writer, I would advise you to seek some help on how to expand and flesh out you work.
Mean? Perhaps. But I am not going to continue the trend of letting someone who is in desperate need of advice go along thinking everything is fine.
-Lumino
3479132
how about this. the next story i publish will have at least one thousand words per chapter.
3479162
You miss the point. The object here wasn't for you to change your stories to appease me. I am calling attention to a deficiency, changing it or not is your call. If you are happy with what you produce, then write as you wish.
If you want to improve, you should always seek critical reviews. For it is through mistakes that we grow. Anyway, I have said my part. Good day.
-Lumino
3479276
good day. thanks for the feedback
3480686
they're supposed to be.
Don't curse in the comments, please.
3479111 keep talking i dare you, if you think your good enough to say something like that then your wrong, your nothing but scum....dont even think about trying to cover that up with "dont mean to be mean"!
3489091 your story is great i almost cried, like seriously a small tear came out and i was like,"get back in their tear!" and it went away
3494595
It is called critique, my friend. It is the art of noting the failings of a piece so that an author can grow from them. Unfortunately, in such a piece the size limits the ability of me to provide useful feedback, because it is a very small sample of what the writer is really capable of.
The fact that you responded with insults as a first recourse already tells me that I should know what to expect out of a response, but I figured the least I could do was respond to you. If you have further issues with me, please feel free to PM me. This author's comment section is not a place to carry out a personal grudge match.
-Lumino
3494666 oh but you see, that's where your wrong, you see, im not just a person i know this author, and she does not deserve your negative response. Now i understand your a critique but that does not mean you have to be a total jerk about so how about you say things a little differently like, oh say, " hey, did you mean to write your story like this, if not i think you should make your chapters bigger to grab the readers attention, anyway, just trying to help"- that would have been acceptable but no, you had to make that mistake.
3494666>>3494710
I agree about my comment section, but also, she is not just a person who knows me. She knows me better than any living person in the universe. Anywho, I did mean to write my story like this; I was trying something that was new to me. I checked a book out of the library about how to improve as an author and it told me to try new things, so I did. Apparently, this did not work out, so, I'm going back to my style.
P.S. LuminoZero, because of the way you responded to my story makes me know that you are a very good writer. You have a lot to teach. I am sorry for the way I acted before but I was going through a lot at the time.
3583785
We all have a lot to teach. What many of us forget is that as much as you have to teach, there is still plenty to learn. Being inexperienced isn't a problem, we were all there once.
Being good is the problem, because that is when people stop trying to improve. Be happy with what you create, but always strive to correct the deficiencies in it and do better the next time.
-Lumino
3583785 agreed, did you mean to write like a diary al- i mean CMC?
3591691
lol and yes i did ry- I mean rd73.
3602276 i knew it! and iiii think its awesome